December 26, 2017
by Rod Smith
I call these few days between Christmas and New Year the doldrums. They’re a breather: a time to drift between calendar high points. I get nostalgic. I experience strong elements of necessary regret as I wait for the promise of the new calendar year to kick in.
I am always reminded:
- Integrity, honesty, kindness, forgiveness, and reconciliation – all captured by the word holiness, is local. By “local” I mean immediate and with the people with whom I share every day life.
- If it (idea, principle, program) doesn’t work right here, now and with this family member, neighbor, colleague, it’s worthless.
- All worthwhile positive change is first internal – the outward follows the inward. It may be convenient to switch this – thinking the inward follows the outward – but doing so is a waste of time.
- It is possible for people to regard each other with deep, authentic respect but it is impossible without commitment to profound listening. All love begins and is demonstrated with listening and listening takes commitment and time.
- Things are not fair or reasonable or kind while one party is gaining or advancing at the expense of another.
Please, let me know the things you think about as you prepare for your year ahead. I know we can learn from each other – it just takes a commitment to listening.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Meditation, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Womanhood |
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December 21, 2017
by Rod Smith
Here are a few of the miracles I have encountered face-to-face this week:
- I see a young boy and his mother walking their dog. An observer wouldn’t know the woman spent almost three years alone in a central African country negotiating with shady officials to get the boy adopted and then home. She decided she’d do this when she was on a mission trip the toddler was found abandoned and close to death in a dumpster. Her husband and three daughters got behind their mother and the seemingly endless journey of love to bring the boy to the USA began.
- That man behind the newspaper at the coffee shop whom you may hardly give a second glance: he’s a living miracle. Unless you were told you’d never know that he disappears for weeks at a time to a central American country to perform hundred of surgeries pro-bono.
- That guy over there with his family at breakfast: you’d never know that he also started a non-for-profit corporation that has “planted” and oversees over 65 schools in three central African countries.
- That elderly woman crossing the street has not touched a drink in 45 years.
Look around – ask questions. Miracles abound. They are as near to you as they are to me.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Faith, Grace |
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December 19, 2017
by Rod Smith
“I wanted to let to know how touched I was reading your column on Monday. Clearly the young man needs to re-connect with his father and is looking for a way to do this. I come from a long line of bitter and interfering mothers, no-speak divorces, and long family feuds. It takes courage and firmness but with your guidance I believe this young man will find the strength. I have managed to settle many family estrangements in the family. It has taken patience and now it is all worth the while. Years later everything is easy. Thank you for many pieces of good advice. I ready your column daily. It is the first thing I turn to in the newspaper.”
It is understandable when things do not go well with a spouse or a child to think that it is that relationship that needs the focus. The man or woman who does mind his or her business with his or her parents (even if the parents are uncooperative or even deceased) will find freedom in the most unexpected ways. As this husband to be reconnects with his dad and realigns his connection with his mother (on his terms) he will find courage and love within him for his wife-to-be that he never knew existed within him.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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December 17, 2017
by Rod Smith
“I’m 28. I will marry a wonderful woman in August. My mother brainwashed me with venom about my father for 24 years. He lives nearby. I hardly know him. I think I want him at my wedding. She is threatening to boycott if he is invited or there.”
It’s your wedding. Except for your mother’s friends whom you want included, the invitation list (under these toxic conditions) is none of her business. Allow your mother hostage power now means you can expect her to try to wield similar threatening power over other matters in your married life.
The good news is you have several months to complete important work with both parents.
Contact dad. Invite him into the slow, deliberate process of deeper, appropriate, father-son intimacy. (Use your own words). Suggest a bi-weekly breakfast and tell him there will be no talk whatsoever about your mother. After a few breakfasts include the “wonderful woman.”
Stand up to your mother. Tell her you want her at the wedding but it is an invitation she may always decline. Include her on other plans – the challenge is to not alienate your mother but to clearly define your response to her controlling ways.
Defining yourself to both your parents will do more for your long-term fulfillment than anything else you do.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Sabotage, Trust |
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December 16, 2017
by Rod Smith
Ten ways I can tell clients are becoming stronger, healthier – some of the following begins to occur:
• They get spunky; they question authority, play with the rules, and break (benign) codes of behavior.
• They ignore the negative comments from others, comments that would formerly have impacted them.
• They (increasingly) reject the role of a victim – even if they have been one.
• They (begin to) see the bigger picture of their lives and they begin to strategize for what they really want.
• They (begin to) pay the price of wholeness – this means forgiving others, making things right wherever possible, and being clear where the lack of clarity lead to problems in the past.
• They (begin to) initiate their own fun instead of waiting for it to come to them.
• They grow in the ability to take full responsibility for their lives and blame no one anywhere for anything.
• They are aware of “sideways” frustration and anger and therefore careful not to visit unresolved issues on the “wrong” people – like taking out work frustrations on people at home.
• They (begin to) serve others in ways they’d never before though possible.
• When facing choices they take the choices with the most risk and ambiguity.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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December 14, 2017
by Rod Smith
Of course families all over the world deal with the pain of separation. Perhaps South Africans deal with it a little more than others.
This letter moved me very deeply:
“I have just read your column about family. My eldest daughter and her husband and two children emigrated on the weekend. This all happened very quickly, as a result of a good job offer. When we first heard about the possibility I was supportive on the outside but hurting terribly on the inside. On waving goodbye to them at the airport I was swamped by a sense of utter loss. It’s difficult to get a grip on it, and deal with it. My wife is also battling but she holds it all in. Perhaps its because where they have moved seems almost a parallel universe, but very far away. There is knowledge that its unlikely we will see them again for some years. The grandkids are very young and the thought of missing out on their growing years is hurting. I guess I am very saddened but thankful too that they will have an opportunity to grow up in a safe environment. I trust this hurt will subside. The feeling of emptiness will fade. I’m angry too, if I’m honest. Family is everything to me.” (Published with permission)
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Long distance relationships |
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December 13, 2017
by Rod Smith
When my first born was a few days old a woman whom I had known for a few years, and was really well-meaning, arrived at my house and suggested I give the baby to a real family.
Her understanding of the context and reason my son’s birth mother choose me to be his (solo) parent was very limited. While the immediate (minimal) shock and pain of that encounter has long worn off (and healed), the exchange – which happened to be the first of many strange or unexpected encounters – did give me what I believe to be a greater acuteness or awareness of what it is that makes a group of people family.
I’d really like to hear your views. Here are a few of mine. A family:
- Is a place where people are most often related by marriage or blood but often they are not.
- Is a place where people, who usually share space (but not always), are enduringly committed to each others highest good even if and when the highest good is painful and costly.
- Is a platform where people can express their differences without being alienated or made to feel bad or wrong for expressing or embodying differences.
- Is a place where members feel safe (mostly) and when they don’t (feel safe) they can say so and someone in the family will listen and hear and try to understand.
- It’s a place where, if someone doesn’t feel safe and says so, the person who listens and hears will be able to help discern if feeling unsafe or unsure is appropriate. The process of growing and learning can be very unsettling and feeling unsettled can lead to increasing feelings of vulnerability.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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December 10, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury – Friday / What people really want….. readers, please add your added insights…..
What people want as far as I can discern:
1. Significant, intimate connection with a select few people – this has nothing at all to do with sexual activity. The word intimate has sadly become somewhat synonymous with sex.
2. Regular inclusion in the activities of a small group of close friends – most people can handle occasional exclusion but when it is repeated it can be very painful.
3. A voice (to offer suggestions, voice opinions, express thoughts) that is (usually) heard and always respected – talking ought not be confused with having a voice. I know a lot of talkers who have no voice.
4. A platform, a context to express uniqueness – a place to shine on occasion is good for the soul.
5. Validation, a sense of belonging – this does not necessarily mean agreement or endorsement.
6. Some say and power in planning the future – no one has ALL say over the future.
7. Credit for work well done even when it is a group or community effort – a good and authentic thank you can be remembered for years.
8. Useful and helpful guidance and criticism – usually when requested.
9. Involvement in the lives of immediate and extended family – being excluded from a family can be the most painful cut of all.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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December 8, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Tomorrow
Parents, please teach your children as I try to teach mine….
• There is no substitute for hard work. If you cut corners, avoid doing things well, you will probably have to pay for it in the future.
• “Please” and “thank you” are beautiful words and they should be used as often as possible.
• Don’t interrupt adults who are having a conversation – and saying “excuse me” as you interrupt doesn’t make the interruption acceptable.
• Wear clean clothes, use deodorant, and brush your teeth – do all this without having to be reminded.
• Stand up for adults when they enter a room; offer your seat to adults if all seats are taken, open doors for adults. Stand back.
• Ask politely for what you need; don’t demand what you need.
• Listen when people talk to you. Checking your phone in the middle of a face-to-face conversation is downright rude.
• Although you may not think it is so, your elders have a lot to teach you and you have a lot to learn.
• When you are more aware of your rights than you are aware of your responsibilities the imbalance will ultimately lead you into trouble.
• Earn more money than you spend – it’s as simple as that – or you will land yourself in trouble.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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December 7, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Friday 12/8/2017
Knowing when to step in, when to step up, and when to step out, and understanding that in some odd dance you may have to do all three all at the same time.
- Accurately sensing when to ask for more information and when to mind your own business. Understanding that not everything pertaining to your child is your business. There are things he or she will really have to face and deal with without you and in his or her own way.
- Learning to accept that some of the things you will hear and some of the things you will see are to remain hidden in your heart forever. This includes discerning when to tell stories about your children and when to keep things private. Some things you think are cute and funny your child may prefer be kept out of your volume of told and retold stories.
- Developing the skill to know what to regard as important and what to ignore.
- Facilitating independence and its possibility and its inevitability from day one. Yes, day one.
- Being able to listen to what is said and to what is not said and resisting the urge to hear what you’d prefer to hear in both.
- Developing your own healthy boundaries even if it feels that you love your children so much that you don’t need them.
- Resisting the use of guilt as a motivator.
- Learning to sufficiently love your own life, pursue your own goals, embrace your own dreams, so that your children are loved and encouraged with your divided attention.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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