Monday challenge

If you lead anything you’re probably feeling substantial stress. Until now almost all stressful circumstances have arisen from known sources, or were self-perpetuated, or have been in-house predicaments. As difficult as past issues have been you could get your head around the problem and make a plan. 

With COVID19 it’s the vast unknowns, its potential to be so intimately dangerous, that is stressful. COVID19 is challenging our common understanding about leadership and has demanded shifts in how we have traditionally led and exposing the power of unintended consequences for everything from families to governments. 

As a leader you may think you’re crossing over into an unscripted remake and unfinished sequel of Lord of the Flies.

• Give yourself room to think, permission to be wrong, time for open discussions and reassessments. Anger, authoritarianism, certainty, will not deliver you from this pandemic.

• Remain, communicative with those whom you love. Don’t let the prevalent cultural and political anxieties divide you. People you love are not the problem.

• Go quietly. There is already enough noise. Don’t add to it. Learn things about yourself only difficult authentic circumstances can teach. Remember, you can’t learn what you think you already know or if you think everyone else is an idiot. 

You may have noticed with a sigh of relief or an edge of frustration you are one of a kind. 

There is no one quite like you, not even close. 

Oh your profile may reveal familial similarities, a relative may mistake you for your brother or sister, there may be a striking resemblance to your grandparent when she or he was your age; but you are unique and you know it.

You draw connections, see parallels in ways you know are a little crazy. 

Words, music, aromas, one-liners, associate across decades and you resort to momentary introspective giggles because sharing whatever you just thought or saw or felt would take too long to explain and it would be meaningless to anyone else breathing. 

On top of that your head is full of what ifs, not regrets, but possibilities, hopes, aspirations; most of them not for yourself but for people you love. Periodically you think you’re going to burst with ideas, love, passion, when you sneak a glimpse of how beautiful the people in your life really are and how much talent and life they ferry around everyday.  

There are creeping regrets. You have to fight them off like an invasive species ‘cause they keep trying to ruin the moment.

But, truth is, they earned their place but some, not all, have overstayed their welcome. 

Fall on your knees in thanksgiving.

There is only one of you. 

Miracles are everywhere. 

If you have the eyes and ears for them they come at you from all directions. 

Look across the room at that person with whom you have shared life for decades – and you are still friends – most of the time. 

That’s a miracle. When people get along, well almost, for many years is truly a miracle. 

You know how difficult people can be. 

That friend you have had since your earliest years in school and have still kept in contact? That’s a miracle. 

Look at the pictures of your children when they were babies and look at them now. Do you need more evidence that miracles happen?  

A miracle is when we have truly important and valuable accomplishments and experiences because we have invested for a long time: a fine education, long-term friendships, relationships with people who have taught you about love, responsibility, and forgiveness. 

The best miracles are when we have been an integral part of its unfolding or emerging. 

True miracles do this. They engage us in the process. They involve us in the work. They don’t happen to us. They happen with us.

How much fun would it be if you woke up one day and your flower garden was perfect without your help and hard work? It’s a nice idea, perhaps!  

The miracle is in your involvement.

In formal and informal settings I have listened to people talk about their lives all of my professional life. If there are frequently-recurring thematic areas of primal longings, they would be:

• The desire for recognition from family and peers. Many times people have told me they feel, or might as well be, invisible.

• The desire for a meaningful work – to accomplish something that counts, to be involved in work that makes a positive difference to others.

• The desire to be understood – for another to take the time to hear and see life through their lens. 

• The desire to be appreciated and for that appreciation to be expressed.

• The desire to be surrounded by beautiful things – not expensive or opulent, just beautiful. 

• The desire to be forgiven for indiscretions large and small, benign or damaging, many of which have been harbored in a tortured memory for decades. 

• The ache for the affirmation of a father or a father figure. I have heard boys and girls and men and women repeatedly express a craving for someone who could be fully trusted, who was a non-anxious and listening presence, who offered necessary and appropriate protection and freedom, all at the same time.

Stand up men, boys and girls, there’s a Woman approaching:

Deep within her person, soul, bosom is the power to nurture, inspire, dream, and bring beautiful and magnificent dreams and plans to fruition. Listen to her voice. Listen and hear what she’s saying and what she is not saying. She has intuition – hindsight, insight, foresight. If you embrace and respect her intuition and allow it to shape and challenge your thinking, you will be wiser for it. You will save yourself considerable conflict, anguish, error, and money. 

Stand up men there’s a Woman approaching:

If you have the guts, backbone, wisdom to offer her unstrained equality, undiluted mutuality, pure respect – all of which God already affords every woman – it is you who will be enriched. It is you who will benefit. It is you who will find yourself more complete. And, when you develop the necessary fortitude to respect all women everywhere, you will find a place of growth and understanding that courageous, insightful men have always known, have always found safety and retreat. 

Stand up men and children, there’s a Woman approaching:

Get out of her way and remove your petty prejudices harbored so long and she will shape a nation, nurture leaders, turn a profit, feed a community, and, if you are available for it, she will teach you to love.

How we treat one another on this planet is of vital importance. 

While we are indeed powerless over much, we are at least somewhat powerful when it comes to our own behavior. 

Improving the quality of human exchange begins with each of us. 

How we regard and respect others exposes (declares) who we are, not who “they” are. 

Our behavior, vocabulary, small-talk, laughter, rage, about whatever issues we face with others are reflections on who we are. Our responses to others reveals our character, our spirituality. It reveals nothing whatsoever about others and everything about us, no matter how we may try to frame it. 

It’s a responsibility we cannot hand off to another.   

You and I may not occupy some high and powerful office but it is clear – if you give it a close look – those who do occupy high and powerful offices don’t seem to treat others very well. It’s a rare political leader who uses his or her power for good, although, thankfully, there have been some.

Acceptance, respect, friendliness, clarity, and the willingness to listen, coming naturally from each of us are powerful agents of positive change in all of our human encounters. They do help to make the world into a better place. 

More importantly, they make us into better people. 

You think yourself into a new way of feeling. It is not the other way around.The head leads; feelings follow. But, I concede, when it comes to people, there are always exceptions to the rule. We are not machines. Nothing is simple when it comes to humanity.

We teach people how to treat us. What we accept, what we reject, how we compromise; how we stand firm or how we give in or turn a blind eye, sets in motion how others see and respect or do not respect us. I encourage you to play your part in modifying how others treat you. I suggest the pain this may involve is worth it.

In the same manner we can only love others to the degree we love ourselves, we also reject or inflict pain on others to the degree we do it to ourselves. Hurt people do indeed hurt people. Rejected people do indeed reject people. Self analysis is a powerful tool for change in the hands of people who are motivated. “Other-analysis” and blame and finger-pointing are the tools of the immature. “What’s my role in this?” and “How did I get myself into this?” are the questions a mature person asks.

You (we) are powerful over much. 

You (we) are powerless over much more. 

Knowing when, where, and how you are powerful, and when, where, and how you are powerless will save you a lot of energy, money, grief, and perhaps even add years to your life.  

You have power over:

• How much you allow others to influence you.
• The depths of forgiveness to operate as currency in your life – for others and self. 
• Who you trust and mistrust despite what others may do with your trust. 
• How much risk and adventure you are willing to embrace, how much you say “yes” and “let’s” or “no” and “let’s not.”
• The quality and effectiveness of your personal boundaries.

You are powerless over: 

• The choices other adults make even if you have been permitted to express your opinions over their choices.
• Anyone’s addiction to drugs, money, sex, gambling, work, pornography, whatever.
• The integrity of another to keep them faithful or honest or kind. 
• Relationships of which you are not a part – your child and his/her other parent, your spouse and his/her parents, your child and his/her partner.

The challenge of facing hard times is not to make the  times harder for others. A skillful person is careful not to contaminate others with his or her difficulties. It’s probably possible to lighten another’s load despite the difficulties you are facing. 

The challenge of facing hard times is to learn new things about yourself in the midst of your challenges. Hurdles and roadblocks expose our weaknesses and our strengths. Focusing on weaknesses is a waste of energy. Highlighting your strengths will bring you hope. 

The challenge of facing hard times is to do what you can to acquire new skills to empower yourself for when things become easier. It is possible to emerge from the difficult times more empowered to face the future.

The challenge of facing hard times is to not allow the difficulties to drag you into memories and the anxieties of former tough times. This leads to deeper despair. Such thinking can spiral a person into a place of almost impossible hopelessness.

The challenge of facing hard times is to remember what you’re really good at and to be reminded that none of that has changed. You’re still good at these things and these skills and qualities will carry you into the future when things ease up.

Unless you are in a coma or have a diagnosed psychiatric condition, as an adult you are always responsible for:

• What comes out of your mouth –  your words, curses, blaming, expressions of anger, spreading joy, and the beautiful acts of encouraging others.

• What goes into your mouth: food (healthy, unhealthy), alcohol, drugs (legal, illegal) and whatever you may choose to smoke. 

• What you do with your heart – who you give it to and from whom you withhold it.

• What you do with your hands – how hard you work (or not) and what you give and take (legally,  illegally). 

• Your personal boundaries, personal space – who you let in or keep out, much you will or will not reveal about yourself. 

• What you do with your head, your mind, your thinking – if you live in eternal regret or if you look ahead and plan a greater future than your past.

• Where you aim your spirit and soul – for some it is money, prestige, influence and for some it is to serve others. The occasional person can do both. 

• What you do with your money – if you are rich or if you are in a financial struggle, until you take necessary power over your finances it will have power over you.