I will write this column from Seoul, South Korea, next week. I have the privilege of being the speaker at a conference about families, growth, healing, and recovery, at Onnurri Church in that great city. If you pray, please keep me in mind.

Nothing, no DVD series, no expert on Dr. Phil, or guest on Oprah, nor anything you read on the Internet, nor anything I write in this daily column, will have as greater impact on your family, on your relationships, your emotional health as will a face-to-face, honest conversation with whomever you are in conflict.

The only occasion when this is justifiably avoided, and ought not occur, is when violence (physical, sexual, emotional) of any nature has already occurred within the relationship. In these sad instances, professional help, to assist in navigating a difficult future, is recommended.

“My wife (55) wants to go back to university now that our children are all grown up. I have not been too kind about this as I think it is a waste of our time. We have been very successful even without degrees. I am worried about her safety going back and forth every day to the campus. This has become quite an issue for us as we have always been united on everything.” (Edited)

It doesn’t take too much “reading between the lines” to see you are probably somewhat threatened by your wife’s natural desire for knowledge, freedom, and adventure. The “we” sounds very strong. Viewing your wife’s attendance at university as “a waste of our time” is a rather strong clue to the lockstep nature of the relationship. I’d suggest you get out of your wife’s way as soon as possible and become her greatest fan as she strives after her goals.

You are correct. You, and many others are “very successful even without degrees.” Just imagine what you might have done with one!

“My wife (55) wants to go back to university now that our children are all grown up. I have not been too kind about this as I think it is a waste of our time. We have been very successful even without degrees. I am worried about her safety going back and forth every day to the campus. This has become quite an issue for us as we have always been united on everything.” (Edited)

It doesn’t take too much “reading between the lines” to see you are probably somewhat threatened by your wife’s natural desire for knowledge, freedom, and adventure. The “we” sounds very strong. Viewing your wife’s attendance at university as “a waste of our time” is a rather strong clue to the lockstep nature of the relationship. I’d suggest you get out of your wife’s way as soon as possible and become her greatest fan as she strives after her goals.

You are correct. You, and many others are “very successful even without degrees.” Just imagine what you might have done with one!

“I read your 9 November 2008 column and was struck that enquirer made the point that he lost his parent when he was six and needed space. Your reply fell short of constructive advice for his future relationships.

“It sounds as though the pain of his loss resulted in a barrier against further pain, so he avoids getting too close to people. This makes long-distance relationships ‘safe.’ Surely he needs to deal with the root of this to build a healthy, interactive relationship?

“As he is would not bode well for marriage a man and woman ‘cleave’ and become one flesh, where interaction, communication, commitment, and trust are key ingredients. No one can force him to face and deal with the root of his problem, but a healthy marital relationship, will require two emotionally and psychologically well individuals.

“I acknowledge his girlfriend might be too demanding, in which case she would also need to learn to establish healthy boundaries. I agree it may be best for the relationship to be ended, but the problems will still remain in future relationships if not addressed. We tend to drag baggage from our childhoods into adult relationships, often to our own detriment.”

“What do I do if I live a long way away from my husband and when the time goes on I phone him and he does answer the phone. Then, as the time goes by, if I phone him he will never pick up the phone. What does this symbolize to a married woman who has husband like this?”

A lack of conversation (meaningful or otherwise), having limited time together, and experiencing avoidance from your husband is, I am sure, most painful for you. Living as a victim is surely worse.

Go to your husband. Have a face-to-face conversation. Assess the condition of your marriage. Many couples survive intentional, temporary separations, for matters of work, travel or study – and come out better off for it. Passive acceptance of your husband’s silence will get you and your marriage nowhere.