“My husband told me four weeks ago that he does not love me anymore and he has felt like this for the last seven years. We have three small children and have been married ten years. He has found someone through the Internet and he loves her and he is waiting until after Christmas to see if he will move out. I still love him so much even though he has broken my heart. I don’t know how I am going to carry on. Please help.” (Edited grammar)
Don't hide his actions.....
“My daughter (15) and I had to permanently swap cell phones. We let all our friends know. Next thing, I started getting really horrible text messages from a young man we know well and whose parents are close friends of mine. After the first message I replied reminding him we had changed phones but I don’t think he read it. Now I have had about 6 more messages that are sexually suggestive, drug related, and full of really bad language. I know the boy (16) will be very embarrassed to know I have been receiving these messages that are not intended for my daughter since he sends them to another name. There is obviously a mix up in his phone book but it is sad I now know what this sweet young man is really like. Do I confront him myself or tell his parents?” (Situation reconstructed from “live” issue)
Save all the messages. Meet with his parents. Enlighten them regarding the son’s activities. You owe it to your adult friends to be as forthright as possible, as soon as possible. Fallout you might experience from the family (people are often quite irrational when it comes to their children) will be worth it if your actions result in the parents lovingly addressing their son.
“Once again my wife is accusing me of having affairs. This happens almost every year around this time of the year as I am more social with work activities than she prefers. I have NEVER had an affair and as far as I can predict I don’t think I ever will. I am not very happily married but I know an affair would not any good. Her late dad was repeatedly unfaithful and it caused lots of problems for the family. My wife really is seeing her father’s problems and projecting them onto me. I am not looking for advice. I just want to show you that some things are passed down as I have often read in your column.” (Edited)
Where is this stuff coming from? Many years back....
My challenge to you, although you are seeking no advice, would be to find a way to become more fully who you are, in order that your marriage might be better positioned to deliver you from your current state of being unhappily married.
Desires for Autonomy and Intimacy live within the deepest recess of self, where soul, spirit, body, intellect collide, connect, and have their enduring party
Within each person is a holy place called The Self. It is here, in the deepest recesses of who each of us is, that the human spirit, and soul, and intellect meld and form the powerhouse for who each of us is. And the subtle art of self-care (“subtle” because there is a delicate difference between being self-caring, selfish, and self-serving) is fundamental to good mental, emotional, and therefore also relational health.
Appropriate self-care is not selfishness or self-indulgence. It is not self-centered-ness. It is not self-serving. It is self-awareness. It is self-monitoring with the firm understanding that each person is responsible for the condition of his or her self. Each of us is responsible for how we relate to all others (to neither dominate or be dominated). Each of us is responsible, when it comes to ALL other adults, for maintaining relationships that exemplify mutuality, respect, and equality.
Part of self-care is the enduring understanding that each person has a voice to be respected, a role to be fulfilled, and a calling to be pursued. Every person (every Self) requires room to grow, space apart from others, while at the same time requiring intimacy and connection. The healthy Self is both connected and separate all at the same time, underscoring again the subtlety required in the art of self-care.
Open Hand can help you help yourself out of your addiction
And there is hope. There is hope for the man or woman who wants out from under the heavy rule of illegal substances or alcohol. There is hope for the adult who wants to live without drinking, that wants to be present and sober for his or her children while the children are growing. I’ve seen it many times: a man or a woman has been shocked into the realization that his or her lifestyle is no longer productive and drinking and drunkenness has all but consumed the person while also killing the marriage.
Let me have your story by Email that I may assist you in finding the hope you need and the help you might think you need in overcoming your addiction.
“How do I get back into a cordial relationship with an adult son who has cut off from me because HE is abusive and angry. When we have had time it blows up in my face and he calls me the worst terms I have ever heard. He is single and lives alone. I am remarried after the death of my first wife, the mother of my only son.”
Call him. Arrange to meet for limited time periods (15 to 30 minutes) at a well-patronized restaurant. Tell him when you are making the arrangements, that you are missing him, and would like to see him but are unwilling to be subject to his negative behavior. Tell him why you are choosing a public venue. If he refuses to meet, you will know he is not yet ready to meet you face-to-face and abide with your terms. Give it a month or two and repeat the offer. As tough as it is not to see you son, while you allow yourself to be his victim, your relationship will not shift and improve for either of you.
“We indulged our daughters. One moved back to our home with her husband to be closer to university. Although we had an agreement that they would buy groceries we did not want any rent. They began having some problems in their marriage and we did not want to get involved. This turned ugly because she spoke to us very disrespectful way and I then told her that we would not tolerate her behavior in our house. Within a short time they found a new place to live and moved out without a goodbye or thank you. We are aware that we as parents are partly or completely responsible for this situation but how do we fix this?”
Get out of the middle...
I LOVE being an American....
Here are few things for which I am grateful:
America works. Yes. Despite all you can find that doesn’t, let me tell you, America works. I still think I am on candid camera when I enter a post office and people are nice, you know, pleasant, reasonable, cooperative, helpful, and patient. I grew up with quite to opposite. Their efficiency is one of my all-time favorites about this delightful country.
“My” mail carrier, Rodney, (in America it feels as if you get your own!) knows my name. He knows my kids by name. He watches out for us. This is still REFRESHING even though it is 20 years since I set up home within the 465. This might be small potatoes to you, but Rodney once even PAID, out of his own pocket, the extra postage due on a letter I’d received! This singular kindness puts us (the whole nation) miles ahead of the international pack of nations and almost deifies all mail carriers in my book.
I still find it outlandishly crazy that when I got to the USA and ordered phone service. The woman apologized, said there’d be a delay of 4 hours before the service would be turned on. Four whole hours. “A delay!” I told the woman, “is 8 to 12 months!” I’d waited a year for my phone despite growing up in a first-world neighborhood of South Africa.
I am still amused when I recall my first visit to the men’s restroom in O’Hare where above the faucet at the wash hand basin was a sign that declared, and in caps: “TWO SECOND DELAY”. What a great country. Two seconds to “wait” for running water and, here’s the kicker, it’s considered a delay!
America is fabulously efficient. I call the gas company, the water company, and people are nice, they say hello. They know what number I am calling from, and they credit my payment, made over the phone, to the correct account. Unheard of where I come from. You are blessed if anyone answers the phone (emergency numbers included).
Did I tell you I LOVE America and that America WORKS?
I know I ought to write about matters of thunderous gravity like freedom of speech and freedom of religion, and while I don’t take any of these lofty matters for granted, I am really thankful for the “little” things: a mayor’s office that is responsive, a governor who is efficient and human, a church that goes out of its way to serve the poor, and a community, at least where I live, that is sit-com-ideal-neighborhood perfect.
Happy Thanksgiving
Be your size, no bigger, no smaller....
I have seen children pitch a fit, stamp and storm – when a parent makes a legitimate request of the child, or has to alter a minor plan, or must pursue a detour, which the child perceives as hindering his or her freedom, creativity, rights, or friendships.
Such toxic parent/child binds, where the strong emotions of a child brings fear to the parent, can drain all the enjoyment out of family life.
When a mother or a father sees the light (acknowledges his or her indulgence of the child, can see the child is unpleasant to be around) and tries to bring the child down to an appropriate size, the child will understandably resist. Resistance can become ugly. “Un-spoiling” a child is no easy task: it is better not to worship children in the first place.
Bringing children “down to size” sounds harsh, even cruel. It sounds like something that should be against the law. On the contrary, allowing, or grooming children to be too big (dominant, controlling, demanding) is where the harshness and cruelty really lies. If you have discerned that your son or daughter is too big, and that you are too small, it is probably not a good idea to attempt the imposition of all manner of restrictions and changes to “bring him down to size.”
I would suggest that ALL the adults (biological, step parents, grandparents who foster the super-sizing of the child or cooperate with it) have an extended face-to-face conversation about your mutual issue. Depending on the magnitude of the problem this might take several hours, in which case I’d suggest you spread your meetings over several weeks so people have a chance to think things through. Talking openly about these matters is often half the battle – and as you have probably guessed, it is quite a battle.
Implementation of the strong, caring principles that result from your conversations (and the success of what you decide to implement) will pivot on the age of the child, upon how “late” the parents “catch” it, and upon the adults’ unified ability to stay the course. It is my experience that one or two adults will not possess the ability to follow through with the best made approaches – their threshold of pain for the child is too low. But, as I said, it is not easy to un-spoil a child; the fact that children get too big in the first place is riddled with meaning.
Dads and moms (not only children!) can be super-sized too, but it usually only one per family unit. A super-sized dad (demanding, dominant, controlling) usually requires a wife to be super-small (submissive, voiceless, fearful). The really deceptive nature of this kind of family is that a “small” mother and a “big” father are often praised as the “biblical” order for the family – something I have even heard preached as if it is something for which to strive!
A super-sized dad (I’ll consider mothers later) is quite easily identified: he usually gets his own way, he sulks and stamps and steams if his authority is resisted, and he plays the “hurt puppy” when not duly honored. He will pull out the “big guns” on a regular basis (threatening, withholding, colluding, and “The Bible says”) if his will is threatened. Occasionally I’ve seen a super-sized dad humble himself. But, if it is tough to un-spoil a child, you can only imagine how difficult it is to get a self-centered parent to discover authentic humility.
A way out of this hurtful and debilitating trap is for individual family members to work on getting a voice (this is a way to increase in size) and resist placating the persistently controlling, demanding parent.
Many mothers are too small, and too busy. They have so yielded to the demands of mothering, of being a wife; of trying to balance an imbalanced world on two frail shoulders, it has caused mother-shrinkage. They have shrunk, not from a natural process of aging, but from the pressures of trying to be perfect, of trying to make their world work perfectly, of keeping children in line, their husbands sober, responsible, or happy.
I have discovered there is no stopping a woman who is hell-bent on disappearing into a life of “sacrifice” and “service.” The best approach is to get out of her way until they sees the light or, sadly, she collapses in sheer exhaustion. When a woman equates some twisted belief about humility and self-imposed punishment with selflessness, there is no reasoning, no convincing, that will successfully deliver her from herself.
Anxiety drives people and everyone “benefits” when mother becomes the High Priest of Perpetual Service and Motion – until it all falls apart. Then, if she doesn’t get wise, caring help, she will probably bury herself in a boatload of guilt.
When family members are all the appropriate size there is mutuality among the adults and cooperation among the adults and the children. The give and take of daily life becomes more and more joyful as each person fills his own shoes, stays out of the way of the growth and health others, and lives out his or her part of the family bargain. You will notice that:
1. Who is “in charge” or who is “the boss” or who is “the spiritual leader” becomes irrelevant.
2. Love and cooperation trump all.
3. Individual family members assume a high degree of appropriate personal responsibility.
4. Over-functioning (doing things to help others avoid responsibility) and under-functioning (expecting others to save you from yourself) are avoided.
5. People are afforded a wide berth for learning and growth.
6. Forgiveness and grace are easily given and readily received when things go awry.
7. Individuals stand up for themselves without hurting others.
8. Spontaneity is highly valued.
9. Humor is ever-present, even in the toughest of circumstances.
10. Dialogue and insight, shared among family members, is embraced rather than avoided.
Small steps to greater health and awareness
Growing in Autonomy and Intimacy all at the same time…
