1. Send an enemy (a boss you didn’t like, a crabby neighbor, the self-righteous prig who works along the hallway) a greeting card.
2. Express forgiveness before it is requested and even if it is not deserved or requested – remember forgiveness is about you, not the person who has hurt or offended you.
3. Approach people whom you’d prefer to avoid – avoiding people gives them power over your life that you probably do not want to give. Why would you allow anyone to dictate your path or your actions?
4. Dance, don’t walk, on eggshells; address the topics that need to be addressed rather than “walk” lightly around them.
5. Clearly use your voice to declare who you are and what you want. If you are silent others will put words into your mouth and meaning into your actions that are far removed from representing you.
6. Boldness does not necessitate brashness or arrogance. Standing up for yourself is a wise. If you don’t, it is unlikely anyone will.
7. Be kind when you meet unkindness, do not return evil for evil, and you will become unusually attractive, even to your enemies.

The following points are generally true. Of course there are circumstances where they are not:

1. Your parents know more than you know about important matters. I concede that you probably know infinitely more than your parents do about computers, the Internet, and cellular phones; but they do know more about life than you do. Regarding your parents as foolish will not be very good for you even if it offers the illusion of being sophisticated.
2. Your parents want the very best for you even if you do not agree with them about what is best for you. Loving parents want you to go beyond their life’s achievements and so place pressure on you to study and do well in school and to be wise about your relationships.
3. Your parents will tend to look at long-term ramifications of almost everything. You probably focus on the here and now.
4. Your parents want you to have a wonderful future more than you have the capacity to even imagine. This weekend is not considered “the future.”
5. Your parent’s instincts about people are probably wiser than yours. Trust them.
6. Your parents probably want very little from you. Taking time to discover what it is they want will do you much good.

“I am a Muslim girl in a 8-year relationship with a Christian boy. We both are 23. Religion is the only problem. He does not agree with becoming a Muslim – he believes I should follow his faith from the day we are married. Our families have not tried to break us up but my family insists on him becoming Muslim. His family insists I become Christian. We are extremely committed to each and I know he feels the same. The major problem is his meddling Christian sister who keeps bringing it up. Wherever we go people are amazed that he’s got a Muslim girlfriend and demand to know what his Muslim name is going to be and if he doesn’t change his name, religion, and get circumcised, that my family will kill him. How ridiculous. Strangers’ words affect him and I don’t know what to do. Breaking up is not an option!”

External pressure will intensify your love. Never under-estimate the power of invisible loyalties that each of you has with each extended family. These pressures will unify you before marriage but will work against you once you are. There is no easy answer. In all circumstances (especially to parents) speak only for yourself, and let him do likewise.

Whenever I write, “get a life” or “victim-hood is unattractive” or “move on” or “blaming your parents has an expiration date”, I usually get mail declaring I am uncaring, cold, arrogant, that I do not understand, that I was having a bad day – or, all of the above.

I concede: I am fully capable arrogance, coldness, of failing to understand, and of having a bad day.

When I suggest someone take up his or her life in the midst of a bad break-up or in the wake of a betrayal, I am doing so out of a deep sense of both understanding and caring, and hopefully, in a spirit of humility.

I know it sounds cold to suggest someone participate in his or her own resurrection from within the rubble of brokenness. But the journey of rebuilding has to start – and there is no better day than today and no better moment than the immediate!

These are the golden expressions of a person who will get well: I will get through this; I can do without a person who swears at me; I will learn about boundaries; I will not be poorly treated by anyone; there’s life after a breakup.

A person who begins speaking this way has begun to “get a life”.

“My husband does not love me anymore. I am a really jealous person and I have accused him of affairs and he always denies it. Last night he told me that we needed to be fair and that I needed to leave. It scares the living lights out me when I imagine my life without him. He has been gone for most of the day. I don’t want to call. I know that will probably make him angrier and more distant. I noticed also he is not wearing his wedding ring. It really hurts to be told that you are not loved when you still love the other person. I am in no shape, way, or form a perfect person. I have a temper just like he does. I would love to seek therapy but he thinks that kind of thing is silly. I really think I’ve lost him forever. We have been married for 8 years. I guess I am really feeling hopeless right now.”

Victim-hood is most unattractive – get yourself out of it. To assist you, please read This Is Not the Story You Think It Is by Laura Munson. I’d suggest it is essential reading for anyone (male or female) living in a threatened relationship.

I imagine, Mary, that it was more than a difficult birth. All those miles journeyed so late in a pregnancy did not make things easier. Of course there’s nowhere for you to stay, the man you are with is not your husband. You say the child is not his. What else are people to do but hold the door firmly closed, and send you on your way?

Here he is, Mary, the baby God promised. In your joy and pain there is no relief as guests who have traveled long distances stand in line to pay homage to the baby as if to a king. I should imagine Mary, that there is a little resentment toward you from some quarters, all this attention for a woman of questionable morals.

I am sure that it was a difficult childhood, Jesus. Being young and studious can be a tiring combination. Feeling called, appointed, anointed, intimate with God and so at home in the temple could infuriate men in search of the God you claim to know. The tongues surely wagged declaring you illegitimate. “Who’s your father,” I bet they taunted, “We know our father is Abraham, but who is your father.” It must have gotten a little old Jesus, even when you were so very young.

I know it was a difficult career. You faced extremes at every turn. Ostracism here; worship there. I cannot imagine the pressure you endured from religious quarters. Turning water to wine, healing the blind, raising the dead, multiplying food, walking on water, and calming storms I would have thought would increase your popularity but largely it had the opposite effect. How much good can you do before those who pride themselves on knowing God become a little edgy? Demonstrating the power of God through working miracles can get a person in trouble rather quickly. Perhaps you should have known better.

I know friendships were troublesome for you. I’m sure it was a difficult day when you looked into the eyes of a friend, a very close friend, and found yourself looking into the eyes of your betrayer. There he was pointing you out in the garden and then, to rub salt into the wound, doing it with a kiss. Those who had come to seize and accuse you, place you on trial were taken aback at your composure, your presence, your attitude, despite all you knew about what was in store for you. Where did you get the faith, Jesus?

I cannot imagine what it was like to be so widely wanted dead. Religious leaders wanted you out of the way. Political leaders accused you of disturbing the peace. Then, fancy this, they join forces in some weird alliance to get you. Then, the Enemy also wanted you dead. You showed him no tolerance, wouldn’t take his bribe; you wouldn’t join forces or share power. You just wouldn’t demonstrate any flexibility Jesus, not on any front, even for a moment.

Finally, and surely most painfully, God wanted you dead as atonement for sin. It’s no wonder, Jesus, that you perspired blood and pleaded for the removal of the cup that was before you.

After all you went through I cannot imagine what it was like to be brought back to life. Appearing to your beloved friends, your mother, your brothers and sisters and hundreds of people must have brought you all joy enough to party in the streets. The added bonus was that now, death itself, was dead.

I cannot imagine Mary, what it was like to be his mother. As surely as you knew water would become wine you knew the crib would become a cross. You also knew that despite all the pain and drama, the sealed tomb would open and the risen Christ would declare to the world once more, that God is intimately invested in the affairs of humanity and the details of every life.