“I am in my late twenties. My wife is a few years older than I am. She feels that it is time she has children. I feel unready and unstable to have child. I know that biologically she should have children now. I worry that life could become even more tricky. I very much want to please her but I want to be true to myself. I just can’t stand to see her sad. I also have reservations about bringing children up in the modern world/city and would rather do it in a rural setting. I don’t want life to spiral out of control.” (Minimal edits)

You will never be ready if you wait. Babies make you ready for children and you can’t get ready without one. Increase your tolerance for your wife’s sadness. The presence of another person in your family will pull you both through the full spectrum of emotions and some sadness will be inevitable. Also, you are apparently forgetting that your unborn child may become a crucial key to a better world. As a parent of two adopted boys I’d have no hesitation whatsoever doing it all again. My children have blessed the world far more than it has managed to scare or damage them.

“My husband of 7 years suddenly wanted a divorce and so I moved out since the house was his when we met. Now he keeps inviting me over to watch movies and have sex. I go sometimes because I still love him but I don’t want to be used either. What do you think his intentions are? We have been separated for over a year. The divorce is not yet final. Any input would be helpful. Thanks.”

His intentions are to watch movies and to have sex. That’s it!

I regret to tell you that you are being used and will continue to be used while you comply.

The man has not grown up. He wants a sexual relationship with no commitment or responsibility and he’s found a perfect match, at least while you are cooperative, in you.

“My in-laws are a pain. They want the children (9 and 7) whenever they click their fingers and think we must drop everything because they phone and want to do something fun. My husband jumps to their every wish and I am sick of it. He’s like a little boy around his mother. The children love them because it is all about fun while I am left with the hard work of parenting.” (Edited)

Spend time alone with your in-laws. Tell them about your frustrations. Fun people are often happy people. Happy people are usually able to understand multiple sides to situations. Speak up about what you see and what you need. You might find your husband and your in-laws are more than able to accommodate and even alleviate some of the sources of some of your frustrations.

But, you are correct – parenting is hard work. Your letter suggests that you too can be quite hard work. You might want to try and enjoy your in-laws as much as your children do. If you join the fun you will be as much a part of your children’s good memories as your husband’s parents will already be.

Get your part of the fun real-estate in your children’s memories. Having your children reflect forever on how much fun they had with their grandparents certainly won’t be too much fun for you as time rolls by.

“My husband is a controlling, jealous, alcoholic. He has me so scared. I love my husband but I can’t stand living like this. His drinking is bad. His controlling is causing us to fight all the time. I tell him to relax but he just keeps it up. I hate to come home from work. I want out but yet I know that he can be a good man. He is a loving man when he wants to be but can change in a second. Can someone help me?” (Edited)

You can help you. If you have had the courage to negotiate the past years with a difficult and ill-mannered man, I know you possess the tenacity to build yourself a great future.

While you compromise yourself to live with a man who is occasionally good and sometimes loving he will control every day of what is left of your life.

Here’s a five-step formula:

1. Find your inner resolve to stay out of control.

2. Join Al-Anon who will help and encourage you.

3. Gather around you a small group of supportive women (this may take months).

4. Hatch a plan among you – a plan for you, not for him.

5. Take yourself by surprise and move out and move on.