November 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Do you have the energy to fight for intimacy?
Running from intimacy – keeping an emotional arm’s length from those who appear want something more, something deeper. This, of course, is not literally running away. People can flee “inside” while appearing to widely embrace others. Often the life and soul of a party, these men and women are frequently attractive and made more so, for some, by their illusiveness.
Fright: Fearing being taken over, or of being “occupied”, this person is constantly on duty, like an armed sentry against a hidden enemy. He or she can scare others almost-involuntarily through expressions of misplaced anger and socially inappropriate behaviors. “He’d edgy. He’s scary. I am not sure why,” you might hear yourself saying.
Fight: Combating sincere attempts at intimacy, this person fights in order to keep people away, even if no one is trying to get closer. Everything becomes about winning or losing; fighting is a way of life, winning is everything. “Just when we get close,” you might find yourself saying, “he/she finds some difficulty with something inextricably me.”
Freeze: Isolating, (“ice-olating”) this person neither runs nor attacks, he or she simply remains emotionally immobilized. This is control through passivity. “The closer I get the more vacant (absent, terrified) he/she appears.” The pursuer will appeal, work, wave, rant, and stamp – to little avail.
Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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November 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
“After a five-year abusive relationship I took two years to reflect and think. Then I met a boyfriend two years ago who was perfect for me. About a month into the relationship he started telling me he had a problem with the way I dress. I had told him all about the abuse in my last relationship. He told me my ex was crazy and that I am beautiful and that he should have been proud to be with me. So the guy who said my ex should have been proud of me is now the guy saying no skirts, no shorts, and no dresses. I’m not allowed to dye my hair black: it makes me look easy. If guys look at me it’s my fault. I feel ashamed because I’m back in the same situation as before and feel super dumb.” (Edited)
A man who has to control a woman does so for many reasons, none of which have anything to do with the woman. Perhaps it’s time to take another sabbatical from men. While you obey things will not improve. He told you HE has a problem with the way you dress after a month – and you are still with him 23 months later!
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation |
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November 18, 2010
by Rod Smith
Let's do it - join me in this venture
I challenge you to
Give Something Away Every Day for the next 30 days and record your act daily. After mid-December (30 days away) we’ll assess what’s next.
Keep a record as an act of self-discipline, not of pride or self-righteousness. Your daily log will alert you to further possible acts of generosity and kindness.
Examples? Give up your seat on a bus. Buy a street person lunch. Give a friend a possession you know he or she admires. Extravagance on your part is unnecessary, but let your acts reflect your means. The recipient must know about the gift but not necessarily that it comes from you. The recipient must know there are no strings attached.
Let me know you are “in” by joining the GSAED group on Facebook or drop me an email. Record your daily actions (if you so choose) on the same Facebook page. Your activity will be an inspiration to others. If you don’t want or have Facebook, send me an email about your daily giving.
Help me spread generosity around the world. We have the resources. Let’s get started and Give Something Away Every Day.
Posted in Differentiation, Friendship, Grace |
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November 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
It's the journey, remember...
A healthy family – and I will remind you that no person or family is healthy all of the time (that’s unhealthy!) – sets itself on broad and healthy goals that include being:
1. Unpredictable, spontaneous, flexible; allowing each person and each generation, to be different from the former generations.
2. Forgiving (reflective, gracious) – allowing little or no time for the gathering of injustices.
3. Funny – often self-deprecating.
4. Hospitable – welcoming of strangers and guests.
5. Generous – eager to share with persons in need.
6. Open – willing and able to embrace difficult issues.
7. Diverse – welcoming of persons of all shades, creeds, and ages.
8. Free – creative, honest, displaying growing integrity.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Young Love |
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November 11, 2010
by Rod Smith
Every now and again a real hold-in-your-hands Mercury newspaper finds its way to Indianapolis and I eagerly turn the pages. I read the news and marvel at the prices you are paying for stuff. As has been always so, I LOVE “The Idler” (it was my first real reading when I was a child) and then I see this column.
Seeing it. Reading it, evokes a few responses I’d like to divulge:
I’m humbled and honored. To occupy this prime position is a great honor, one that I do not take lightly.
I am thrilled to bring my perspective on families, relationships, therapy, and mental health to you.
I am delighted to be repeatedly informed of You and Me sightings on refrigerator doors, school bulletin boards, hospital notice boards, and in Church newsletters. What a delight.
But the real joy surges when a reader writes of how You and Me helped change his life or when a woman writes that she is learning to stand up for herself, speak her mind, declare he boundaries, I am reminded of the real reason I love writing You and Me.
Next week I will be write from two wonderful European cities: Amsterdam and Geneva – where I will be speaking for Youth With A Mission (YWAM).
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Recovery |
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November 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
Friends give you room to be right, wrong, late, or to be early. They allow you the “space” to be forgetful, sad, happy, angry, frustrated, when such space is necessary. In return you are careful with the liberty authentic friendships afford you. You don’t presume upon it. You remain respectful and you do not regard your friendships with a sense of entitlement.
Friends listen. They listen not only to the words you say but also for your soul to speak. They wait for your soul to trust, emerge, share, knowing it might take decades for it to say anything at all. They listen in order to love, not in order to advise, modify, or to assess, judge or condemn – but in order to love. They want to understand, hear, see, value and appreciate. In return you have become a skilled listener.
Friends live fully. While being committed to listening to you, while committed to waiting for your soul to speak, while being invested in building community with you and sharing life with you, they are first and foremost committed to finding and developing their own skills, developing their own dreams, and living their own ambitions. Friends know that among the greatest acts of friendship is the act of living one’s own life completely.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership |
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October 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
Lake Geneva, Switzerland
“Thank you on behalf all my many single mother friends for the article published yesterday. Thank you for acknowledging our bravery and struggles. Thank you understanding the many roles we play and the many difficulties we overcome because of our love for our children. Thank you for noting it is near impossible to have a romantic social life as solo parents. Thank you for listing and understanding what women do not need in a potential partner or in friendly advice. I am 50 and the mother of two sons whose fathers disappeared when the going got tough.
“I have been a single mom for 32 years, and despite the challenges, long hours, and little thanks associated with the job of single mom, I have been blessed to have my sons and love them dearly. I am also proud of having still managed to forge a career, own my home, a car, and travel the world. I have recently studied to become a Life Coach. I just sit with the thought that my children did not chose to be born and hence, are entitled to the best Mom and woman I can be. One thing I know is that my son’s will make wonderful Fathers.”
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Schnarch, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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October 18, 2010
by Rod Smith
Honor courage when you meet it
the bravest people I have ever met. Not only are many fighting financial battles with a former spouse, they are at the same time negotiating with schools, coordinating visits to doctors, ferrying children to and from sports events, strategizing visits for the children with the other parent, and trying to placate a boss and colleagues at work. Simultaneously, many are trying to maintain some form of sanity though attempting to develop the semblance of a social life while having to face a stigma (thankfully it is diminishing in some cultures) about being divorced at all.
What divorced mothers do not need is:
1. Romantic involvement with a needy man – especially one who is in search of a mother but doesn’t know it.
2. Judgment about her parenting, her discipline, or her children’s behavior.
3. Questions about what went wrong in her marriage, or the suggestion (overt or covert) that had she “given” her marriage to God, or been more obedient or submissive, or prayed more, fasted more, tithed more faithfully, her marriage would have survived.
4. To be thought of as an easy target for sex as if it is the one thing she must surely be missing now that her marriage is over.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family |
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October 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
Hold back and listen
for as long as possible. Give time to enjoy and know each other without the children. If each of you cannot do this (let’s say she perceives she is unable to be away from the children and you feel somewhat obligated or compelled to include the children in the dating process) then she is not ready to date, and you are not ready to accommodate a woman and children into your life.
When you do meet the children keep out of her relationships with her children. Withhold your opinions (insights, guidance, discipline) if she is not parenting as you think necessary. No matter how much she asks for your input, or how much the children appear to need or love you, if you get prematurely entangled you will ultimately come out second best.
You are at your most helpful when you support, empower, encourage the woman to tap into her internal resources to be fully the mother she is able to be. She has to do this without you if she is ever to be comfortable sharing this with you.
Withhold your opinions about her ex-husband, visitations, her finances, how he treats her or how he treats his children. This potential minefield predates you and you will be better off as a couple if you regard it as none of your business. A relationship built on trying to correct the injustices of her past will not bode well for your future.
Your distinctness (separatness) is more important than your necessary ability to bond with the woman and her children. When the time comes and bonding with both mother and children is necessary, your distinctness will be a life-saving necessity both in the immediate and in the long-term future.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
2 Comments »
October 9, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Is it an affair if you do everything but have sex? I had a relationship with a married man who told me that if his wife found out he would tell her I was a stalker. I thought he was joking. We had a place we would go see each other. He eventually showed up with his wife without telling me. I never talked to him again. He never called me and I was too afraid to call him. His wife started showing up where I use to see him and gave me dirty looks as if she knew what was going on. The ‘relationship’ between us was on and off for two years. I have guilt about and still have feelings for him. I do not contact him but I want to. I fear his wife and know deep down he is bad for me. I was wrong as well. I felt wild for him. We were physical sexually but never had sex as this to him was the only real proof of cheating. What do you think?”
It’s an affair (or an act of unfaithfulness) if it seduces either person from his or her primary intimate relationship, makes either person have to lie to anyone, and involves any intimate physical contact.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation |
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