Archive for ‘Differentiation’

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March 8, 2011

I have been insensitive and inattentive

by Rod Smith

“My husband is a marriage and family therapist. We have been married almost 18 years. He told me this weekend that he had been miserable for the last 10-12 years of our marriage. I’ve been a nag, and I own that. When he calls home he talks to an angry wife/mother who never asked him about himself. I own that, too. He has always been faithful to our marriage vows, but he hasn’t forgiven me for my past mistakes. He says our marriage is 95% over. I asked him for a second chance to make things right, and he held my hand tenderly and said, ‘it’s not going to be easy. I can’t go through that again.’ Instead of saying, ‘I wouldn’t want to go through that again either,’ I said, ‘you won’t have to.’ Wrong answer! He moved to a new place without us. Emotions have been wrecked. I have been insensitive and inattentive to him and his needs, and I want to make amends. How do I start?”

As always – get your focus off him, off the marriage, and onto retrieving your life. This means building a life worth living as if you were single. You might never get back your marriage, but you will find a future worthy of living.

Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory | Leave a Comment »

March 2, 2011

Dozens of men swarmed around me….

by Rod Smith

“I divorced my control-freak husband. Then I fell in love with a single guy who broke up with me. I used a gym membership to come out of depression. After six months I started looking quite attractive and single and married men started hitting on me. Married men hitting on me disgusted me. I vowed I would never break a relationship. Dozens of men swarmed around me. I went to a party and met this very interesting guy. He was showing interest and I felt great. He told me he is married. The next day he emailed me and I could not control myself and replied. He was forced to marry at 23. I was very attracted after being celibate for 9 months. We agreed that there is no future. He will never divorce. We decided to keep it on an emotional level as friends.” (Edited)

Attraction is only enduringly poss

Get a life BEFORE you get a man

You appear tethered to the idea that your entire value is found in being attractive and having a man. You will therefore attract men who are equally plagued by the idea that meaning is only found in “having” a woman. Until you discover an internally sustained, unique, and personal calling, the moving targets (the men who swarm around you) and authentic fulfillment will constantly elude you.

Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

February 28, 2011

For speakers, pastors…..one thing you cannot fake is authenticity

by Rod Smith

It's not about words, it's about creating a anxiety- free environment

Five, no six, things to remember when you have an important message to deliver

Your anxiety will speak louder than your words (written or spoken) – so do whatever it takes to reduce your anxiety. The message of your perfect speech or letter will be drowned by your anxious emotional presence. Anxiety is contagious – your audience will catch it from you. If your audience is already anxious, it is your task to be a “step-down” transformer and assist your audience to relax, to manage their anxiety, so that you may effectively deliver your message.

If an audience (of 1 or a million) is already closed down to you, your words (written or spoken) will only serve to push your audience further away from you – keep in mind that he or she who is doing the most work (over-functioning) is placing the “other” (of 1 or a million) in a position of power.

What you are heard to say (written or spoken) is much more important than what you intend to say or do say – when the stakes are high, people hear what they want to hear and anxiety makes people selectively deaf, blind, and mute. Filters, on both sides (speaker and the hearer) become erratic when there is much to gain or lose.

Resist saying to many people (the whole congregation, company, hospital staff, faculty) what you really want to say to one specific person.

Others (1 or a million) will resist listening to you if you are condescending, patronizing, or uninterested in their day-to-day lives and concerns. No matter who you are or how powerful is your platform or position, you cannot fake authenticity.

Who and what you are will be communicated to your audience whether you like it or not, if your message is well prepared or not, if your sentences are perfectly rehearsed or not. Your PRESENCE will be ultimately be the real content of your message.

Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Voice | Leave a Comment »

February 18, 2011

When ADHD comes home……

by Rod Smith

I am grieving. No. No one’s dead. I’ve not been deserted or fired.

My second son (8) has been diagnosed with ADHD. It’s official.

At least it is as official as a prescription and an accompanying list of side effects enough to make me want to dump the little white dispenser of the daily dosage in the trash.

Here’s how the diagnosis went: I make a phone call. I tell the nurse (not the doctor) what I see. Based solely on my description the boy’s called in for a physical and, pronto, the words are uttered. A (pre)script(ion) is written.

But wait. I am accustomed to his ways. Constant movement is his signature.

It’s his trademark.

I am comfortable knowing he sometimes practices his spelling while he’s whizzing through the kitchen on a skateboard.

I love him just as he is.

I don’t want the boy silenced, quieted down, tamed. I know he’s tough to handle. I know he doesn’t play by the rules – but does he have to be drugged into order?

Or, wait. Will it do wonders for his self-esteem and his school grades?

Will the day soon dawn when I thank God such help exists for this, my beloved, affectionate, funny, talented, and caring son?

Posted in Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory | 3 Comments »

February 10, 2011

Day 5 of 5: Your family is your crucible for growth….

by Rod Smith

You don't have to agree, but you'll grow from listening

Insight # 5: Your closest relationships are your most accurate barometer of your emotional, spiritual, and psychological health. It is your spouse, children, siblings, your parents, and in-laws, (the persons who are able to push your buttons, get under your skin) who provide you with the greatest opportunity for growth. It is irrelevant if the cashier at the grocery store thinks you are Mr. Sunshine, if at the same time you are Mr. Doom and Gloom with your immediate or extended family. It is the difficult, committed relationships, the persons in your family of origin, those with whom you have “invisible loyalties” who uniquely provide you with a crucible for growth and strength.

Action / Challenge: Determine to remain “connected” in the face of tension and conflict. Face without fleeing. Listen, even if you don’t agree, rather than explain or justify. Attempt to see the world through the eyes of those with whom you have tension. Humbly ask to be enlightened. Request guidance about what you can do more, less, differently. Inquire about what you can modify to facilitate deeper, more meaningful relationships than you are currently enjoying. Become a learner. Allow those whom you love and those with whom you have familial connection to be your teachers.

Posted in Anxiety, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory, Therapeutic Process | Leave a Comment »

February 8, 2011

Day 4 of 5: Insight is wasted if it is not followed by action…

by Rod Smith

Blaming others or blaming anything (the economy, your cadre of angry teachers, Apartheid, the order of your birth, your dad’s gambling, your mother’s alcoholism, your adoption) for your circumstances might be justified. The litany of why you are the way you are might be convincing and feel good (or painful) to visit – but it is, nonetheless, wasted energy if you want grow into a more mature person.

If your preference is to remain stuck, stunted, or angry, or if you get some kick out of being a victim, then blaming others is useful and blaming will serve your needs and little will change except that you will find more and more woes to add to your sad song.

Action / Challenge: If you want to grow as a person begin to take full responsibility for your life. Face life head on with statements like, “I only get one shot at life. I may have been poorly treated (insert details of your particular difficult circumstances) but I am not going to allow what ruined my past (my childhood, my marriage) to ruin my future.”

Realigning your inner-culture will bring significant shifts to your day-to-day experiences. It will change how you see yourself and how you are regarded by others. It will shift your life more than you may currently think is possible.

Victims are like sitting ducks; often appearing to attract victimizers. While I am certainly not wishing to blame victims for their circumstances, there is much to be gained from a shift in thinking and the manner in which an orbital shift can help a person escape the culture of blame and finger-pointing.

Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory | 1 Comment »

February 7, 2011

Day 3 of 5: Insight without action is useless – if it is growth you want…

by Rod Smith

Too close.....

You (we) are designed to love and be loved, to be intimate with a few people, to be known, and to know a few people deeply and well for an enduring amount of time. This is the profound desire you (we) have for intimacy.

You (we) are also designed, at the same time as you desire intimacy, to be unique and separate from others, (even from loved ones), and to be distinct from all other people. You have an independent streak, a lone-ranger urge. This desire for autonomy is a human gift.

If you lose your self to intimacy you will also lose your uniqueness and become less yourself, less unique. We have all met men and women who have lost themselves in a relationship.

Running is not an act of autonomy

If you only feed you independent streak and lose contact with others then you will find yourself isolated and craving intimacy. We have all met men and women who are trying to be islands.

The wise person simultaneously desires intimacy and autonomy. He or she favors neither over the other but serves both.

Action / Challenge: Increase your independence (follow your solo dreams, personal interests, private ambitions) and, at the same time, intensify your intimate relationships by intentionally becoming more open, equal, more transparent with your closest friends.

Posted in Differentiation, Family Systems Theory | 3 Comments »

February 6, 2011

Day 1 of 5: Insights and challenges

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly poss

This is #1 of 5

Insight into your life and relationships is a prerequisite to growth or desired change.

Many people are very insightful yet appear to short-change themselves by refusing to act upon it.

Insight alone can be pleasurable (as if “understanding myself” is enough) or painful (if it leads to feelings of pessimism) but insight without appropriate action is useless if change or growth is desired.

This week I will offer you five core insights (from family systems theory) and challenge you (and challenge myself) to action based upon the insight.

Here’s the first:

When anxiety runs high, persons tend is to fight (become combative), flee (escape, or change the topic), or freeze (become immobile or useless). When faced with increased levels of anxiety, a primal protection mechanism engages and we can become inhumane (reactive, aggressive, diseased).

Thinking takes time.... reacting doesn't

Action / Challenge: Stand up to the primitive urge to fight, flee, or freeze, by deliberately engaging your “human” brain (your thinking, creative, brain) as opposed to obeying your reptilian brain (the reactive, non-thinking part of your brain) or by having a pity-party (allowing your emotions to over-rule).

Identify what’s occurring. Speak about it. Establish necessary distance. Get perspective before you react to the anxious internal or external environment and inflict unnecessary relational damage.

Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory | Leave a Comment »

January 30, 2011

Key terms for at least one approach to Family Therapy….

by Rod Smith

Who shows the most health and freedom?

Readers often express interest in the Science of Family Therapy. Here are a few key words to guide any reading to stimulate further interest in at least one of many approaches:

Murray Bowen – is considered one of the pioneers;
Genogram – a diagram of a family usually starting with immediate family or “family of origin”;
Space – the distance between and among people;
Under- and over-functioning – playing more than your own role or doing less than your role deserves or requires; Anxiety and chronic anxiety;
The human need for autonomy;
The human need for intimacy;
Differentiation of self;
Cut-offs, fusion;
Mutuality; respect;
Invisible loyalties – the often irrational and rational loyalty among family members;
Low- and high-functioning individuals; low- and high-functioning families.

Keys to change in a family (if change is indeed possible):

Change in a family often comes from first identifying the most self-differentiated person in the family. This person is challenged by the therapist to move his/her life toward greater levels of health and integrity, despite the cost and the sabotage that will naturally result. Family resistance to change is to be expected. When some seek greater health there will be “push back” from those who benefit from the status quo.

Posted in Anxiety, Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Leadership, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Voice | Leave a Comment »

January 23, 2011

Living with an Open Hand…..

by Rod Smith

Hospiality, grace, radical freedom

Open your hand using all your strength. Stretch your fingers. Allow the lines on your palm to feel as though they might tear apart. Study the contours, colors, ridges and valleys, joints, dents and spaces. Push, pull, and rub. Move your fingers through their paces: together, apart, back, forward, curved, strained and relaxed, cooperative yet unique. Feel the texture and every curve. Touch the crevices. Spread your hand further, turn it at the wrist, examine and compare patterns from every angle. Here are pieces of yourself you might never have studied.

Your hands are your constant companions. They have met the needs of others, pioneered romantic moments and worn rings of commitment. They are the way your heart leaves fingerprints, the eyes at the end of your arms. Hands reflect a person’s being and are the front line agents of your life. If eyes are said to be the windows of a soul, hands express the soul.

Hold other people with your hand thoroughly open. Allow them to know the warmth and welcome of your hand, investigate its curves and benefit from its scars. Invite others to follow the lines into the fabric of your life and see the risks you have taken and the adventures that are yours. Allow them to wrestle and rest, search, see and speak. Let them stay; let them go, but let them find your hand always open.

The Open Hand of friendship, at its widest span, is most rewarding, most challenging and most painful, for it enduringly acknowledges the freedom others have while choosing not to close upon, turn on, coerce, or manipulate others. In such friendships, expectations and disappointments become minimal and the reward is freedom. As others determine a unique pace within your open hand, they will see freedom and possibly embrace their own with excitement and pleasure.

Openhanded people do not attempt to “fix” others, change, or control others even for their own good. Rather, each person is given freedom to learn about life in his own way. Openhanded people, instead, express kindly and truthfully what they think and feel, when asked, knowing even in the asking, others might not be interested or willing to learn.

The Open Hand is not naive. It is willing to trust, while understanding and accepting that no person is all good or all bad, and that all behavior has meaning. The Open Hand is convinced it cannot change others; it cannot see or think or feel or believe or love or see for others, but trusts people to know what is good themselves. It will not strong-arm, pursue or even attempt to convince others because it has little investment in being right, winning or competing. Here is offered a core-freedom of the deepest and most profound nature: allowing others to live without guilt, shame and expectation.

Further, the Open Hand offers oneself freedom that extends to one’s memories, ambitions, failures and successes. This allows for growth of enduring intimacy, greater personal responsibility, authentic autonomy, and the possibility of meaningful relationships with others.

In the discovery of a closed hand, even at the end of your own arm, do not try to pry it open. Be gentle. Allow it to test the risky waters of freedom. As it is accustomed to being closed and fist-like, it will not be easily or forcefully opened. So let the closed-handed do their own releasing and trusting, little by little, and in their own time and manner.

When openhanded people meet, lives connect in trust, freedom and communion. Community is set in motion. Creativity is encouraged. Mutual support is freely given. Risks are shared. Lives are wrapped in the safety of shared adventure and individual endeavor all at the same time.

Rod Smith, July 1997 / Copyright

Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Voice | 2 Comments »

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