I’m amused at how many “special days” there are and how many I miss. I’ve got the very best sister and brother on the planet but “National Siblings Day” comes and goes and I’m usually none the wiser. I missed “National Sons Day” quite recently. “French Bulldog Day” too, comes and goes and I’m yet to post a picture of Maggie dressed to the nines in her French Pink collar.
I’d like to suggest a few new holidays for Hallmark or whoever pushes these special days:
Good Samaritan Day — love someone (send flowers, bake cookies, research what he or she needs and provide it) whom you could legitimately reject or who could legitimately reject you. That, after all, is the essence of the parable. It’s not about dumping “the poor” with stuff you don’t need or want.
Prodigal Day — Dismount your high horse and throw a party of welcome for all the “wrong” and “lost” and rejected people you know whether they’ve “changed” or not. There’s no indication in the parable that the returning son has “repented” and it may well be you or me who really has to.
Woman Caught in Adultery Day — leave your “stones” of judgment at home and walk through the day humbly aware of your own shortcomings. Jesus gives the woman a break and an identity. Let’s do the same for all the “tragic figures” we meet and perhaps someone will have and display similar grace for us, yes, you and me.
Screen-obsession may be rendering face-to-face conversations a dying art.
You may have noticed some people can look deeply into a screen for hours but are uncomfortable, even unsettled, rattled really, with the briefest of human eye-contact.
I acknowledge this idea will not fly in some cultures and contexts and none of which I’ll name.
Adapt the words (adjust, make the idea sound like your own) that follow to avoid sounding ridiculous and contrived, but use the broad ideas in face-to-face conversations.
Be gentle, you may be met with delight or horror!
“I am interested in how you arrived here (this job, predicament, fabulous place). Tell me as much as you’d like me to know.”
“I will give you an hour (ten minutes, two hours, choose your amount of time) of uninterrupted time to tell me as much or as little about anything you choose. I will listen with both ears, both eyes, and all my heart and offer zero advice or judgment.”
“I’d love to hear about what you want from your life and about your plans to achieve what you want with your life.”
“What are the three or four greatest challenges you’ve ever faced? I’m interested in learning. Tell me as much or as little as you’d like me to know.”
Dear Rod: On the whole I think you give very positive advice, although you’re not always right! I estimate that 90% is a good average, so keep it up! I enjoy your column. Kind regards, Glen
I love such responses to my work and have probably received hundreds of similar replies (always from men) over the 22 years this column has appeared daily in The Mercury.
Glen is far above average when it comes to politeness.
Thank you Glen for the 90% grade. I’m quite happy to reach even 75% (of being “right”) given the diversity of readers and thinkers of our beloved newspaper.
I do try to be positive. I do this first for myself and then for my readers given that most of us are more immersed in negative news than is probably good for the soul. I really do approach my life and the blank page (actually a blank screen) with a “yes” or “can-do-it” mindset. Who wants to live with anything less let alone read repeated discouragement in the mornings?
I know I’m not always right. Thank you for reminding me about this.
Life certainly agrees with you and often reminds me, rather loudly, that I’m not.
I like to think of every Friday as a good one, no matter how trying a week may have been. Fridays announce the fire-break, declare the rest-stop, the opportunity for the breather that’s just around the corner.
Fridays are for letting things go, the cumulative stresses of all that’s come at me from Monday. I hope it’ll be the same for you.
Fridays are for a few handwritten notes in the mail, notes of affirmation and thanks, not necessarily for what’s occurred in the past few days but an expression of thanks to those who’ve got me to this point. Consider joining me, it’s amazing how good it feels to write without a screen.
Fridays are for re-envisioning the shape of the future, not only next week and six months ahead, but my role is in creating a great tomorrow for my children’s children’s children. We really do, like it or not, for good and for ill and everything in between, invest in the future.
Fridays are plan-my-weekend reading opportunities and so I rather informally gather the books and articles I’m hoping to start or finish. I confess, this is an ongoing challenge but remains refreshing because it is unfinished.
Fridays are for scheduling one-on-one phone-free, screen-free time over the weekend with our most intimate circle of family and friends.
An exercise for couples and friends…… choose your paragraphs wisely:
Look me in the eye and……
To look into the eyes of another may reveal a primal urge to dominate and, in some cultures, it may be a no-no pivoting on age and status, but for me, it’s a desire for deep connection, validation, underscoring that we are, at least for this time, fully present for each other.
When I look you in the eyes I see the beauty of your soul. Your strength, fueled and tended by a thousand faced challenges, radiates power and beauty from you in equal measure. Looking into your eyes gives me courage for my own life.
Look me in the eyes and know I’m embracing everything about you and hope you will return the embrace and accept (almost) everything about me. Nothing I see within you will cause me to retract from you or reject you and if I do appear to shudder it’s in sheer trepidation that comes with authentic committed human connection.
Look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, or loved me once and no longer do, but indifference, avoiding me, and ignoring that I exist, treating me as if I’m invisible, is very hard for me to deal with.
Cut and paste for your Valentine card or romantic conversation. Please tweak to make it more romantic.
Ten ways to love you. I will:
Not cut you off from your family or friends.
Take care of myself so I am in good shape to love both of us.
Do nothing that can be considered controlling because I know love and control cannot coexist within the same relationship.
Seek acts of intimacy that we both desire and enjoy.
Encourage you to pursue your interests, hobbies, and passions.
Do all I can to listen and hear you and I know the difference between the two.
Fight off any twinges of jealousy I may feel and I will not blame you for any of my feelings – they are mine. I own them.
Support you to get further education.
Not allow forgiven material to resurface between us.
Regularly, for extended periods, several hours at a time, turn off my phone so we can really be together.
I shall be speaking at a Breakfast for Women, 9 am to 10:30 am, on Wednesday, March 11, 2020 at the Butcher Boys Restaurant, Hillcrest. Book now at hello@caitlyndebeer.com. R120, continental breakfast. The venue changed in order to increase capacity. I am humbled that the extra space is selling fast.
• You can “know” some people for years and never have a sense you have really met. They are guarded. There seems to be no gateway, no pass code, to get beyond common pleasantries.
• You can “know” some people for hours and have a sense you have known them forever. They appear open, transparent; common pleasantries are merely a welcome mat to intimate conversations.
• You meet some people and you have the impression that if you give an inch they will take a mile. There appears to be such a hunger for acceptance, for connection, that the slightest indications of welcome will lead to more than you want to handle.
• You meet some people and they have a well-developed shtick, a practiced, often aged routine that everybody gets when they meet someone for the first time. You get the sense that you are just another audience and it’s “here we go again.”
I’d suggest that in the absence of other symptoms you have met “normal.” You have met a cross section of people who can teach you to love and to accept and to understand yourself in new ways.
Listen, learn, take charge of yourself, choose to disclose, choose to remain silent.
You are always in charge of you, no matter how others relate to you.
This is part of what it means to have secure and healthy boundaries.
Greet all people with a smile, even if you’re faking it. It’s not insincerity. It’s being polite. It’s refusing to infect others with your inner discontent. Get rid of your discontent in private, when you’re alone.
Be as clear as possible with plans and expectations so possible hurdles and misunderstandings are minimized. Most people like straightforwardness and honesty more than they like complex surprises that could have easily been avoided. Clarity now usually means fewer confusions later. Try it.
Talk less. Listen more. Ask questions that assist others to talk more. Promote other people’s dreams and desires. Move away from shifting every conversation to focus on you and your interests. Other people are very interesting, perhaps even more interesting than you may be.
Do simple things to lessen the load of others. Open doors, stand back, pick up after yourself, and say “please” and “thank you” a lot. Assume a servant attitude no matter how important you or others may think you are.
Work at being the most generous, forgiving, and kind person you’ve ever encountered and you’ll be amazed at how many generous, forgiving, and kind people you will repeatedly encounter.
When asked to officiate a marriage I ask couples to assess their shared experience and to use these points for discussion:
You find it easy, or it seems natural, to include many of your long-lasting friendships in your shared activities and find no feelings of control, jealously, or possessiveness within you.
You are each more yourself than ever; there are no eggshells to tiptoe around, no topics to avoid, no lies to continually conceal, no facades to perpetuate.
You maintain a distinct life of your own while simultaneously becoming closer to each other.
You enjoy working through issues that arise, even if the journey is painful, because the process brings you closer to each other and you have the sense of accomplishing something that is important for the future.
You enjoy sharing hard earned resources with each other without the thought that you are giving up something or wasting anything.
You have talks about faith, finances, career options, and have discussed the hurdles and complexities that accompany such matters.
You have fun together and are not preoccupied with the state of your relationship.
You speak highly and respectfully about each other always and to all – no exceptions; and you readily affirm each other both privately and in public.
You have met each other’s immediate and extended family and are both doing what.you can to embrace and understand how they view life and live life.
You’re getting used to each other and life feels better as you think about a future together.
You can hardly wait for each new day so that you may embrace the possibilities each new day offers.
You are committed to seeking each other’s highest good, no matter what.
difficultrelationships.com 