Archive for ‘Communication’

July 20, 2006

Reader asks: Why don’t men communicate once they get married?

by Rod Smith

Forgive me for the absurd but the long-lost uncle who lives alone in a tree house on the edge of the Amazon, and who never writes to, phones or contacts the family, and who never sends the children birthday cards – is communicating a great deal. One thing he is saying is that he wants little or nothing to do with his family!

Although extreme, the illustration demonstrates an important point: people are constantly communicating. The problem often lies in whether the recipient is willing to hear (read, perceive, appreciate) the essence of the messages.

The married man who might never tell his wife how he feels, what he thinks, or what he wants is communicating a lot. Silence SAYS a lot.

This said, most men and women are likely to become more fulfilled when they learn to define themselves more clearly, and remove as much the guesswork for others as possible, and state more exactly what they want from life, others and the future. While this is very difficult for some people – it is achievable by functioning adults.

So before attacking any man for his failure to communicate, be sure you have understood that which he is already saying. His silence is probably full of meaning.

July 12, 2006

He wants sex to see if we are “sexually compatible” before we can go on…

by Rod Smith

Reader’s Question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?

Rod’s Answer: What an old and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!

First, compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards.

Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how they respect and appreciate their parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.

Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.

July 7, 2006

To improve your most intimate relationship, talk about the following:

by Rod Smith

Give each other several days of notice before you sit down and answer these questions about your relationship.

Make brief notes before you talk. Agree to be completely silent while listening to each person respond to each question.

“Volatile” couples might choose to talk in a crowded restaurant where they are less likely to erupt!

Do not skip questions. Of course, couples without children will ignore the final question:

1. What have you been trying to tell me that I have not been hearing?

2. What am I already doing that you would you like me to do a lot more?

3. What am I doing that you would you like me to do a lot less (or never)?

4. What is important to you, that you might resist telling me, to avoid hurting my feelings? (What have I “trained” you not to talk about?)

5. What can I do to help you use more of your talents and be more fulfilled in life?

6. Is our intimate life (our sex life) all you want it to be?

7. What can I do to improve the quality of our intimate life?

8. In what ways do you think we might hold each other back (keep each other “down”)?

9. How can I be more responsible to you (not responsible “for” you) and responsive to you?

10. How do you think I could be a better parent?

June 29, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept or tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice, you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take your voice from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice, let alone handle the voice of two or three others.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if they say they do. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances (like severe illness), to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world through maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent, and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are, and what you have to say when the authentic voice within you is allowed growth and expression.

Part of owning a voice, and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, marriage or job, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness, even when and if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talents. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully, and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence, and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

June 29, 2006

Long distance romance keeps me at the phone……

by Rod Smith

Q: Regarding long-distance relationships a reader writes: “Does sitting by the phone, waiting for the other person to call, every day, even when they don’t call, mean you are dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship?”

A: Your behavior does not necessarily suggest you are “dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship.” Good friends frequently wait by the phone when they expect a call from someone they love. Wanting information and connection is a deeply human quality and ought not be interpreted in a negative light.

But, continuing to be glued to the phone “to be immobilized” just in case he calls, even when it is not scheduled call, while other tasks, other friendships, other responsibilities are neglected, certainly puts you on the way toward an unhealthy connection.

Does he know you are waiting? If he does, and then still does not call, his behavior is cruel and ought not be tolerated. If a person knows you are waiting, and does not call within reasonable time, I’d suggest you are working harder at the relationship than your counter-part. This, in itself, is a big red flag.

Long-distant relationships are very difficult. Distance (like darkness and disease) amplifies. Issues usually seem more drastic, extreme, urgent, the further apart people are.

June 13, 2006

Wife flirts at parties and I do not like it

by Rod Smith

My wife and I have lots of fights because at parties and family occasions she flirts with all the men. And NEVER flirts with me. She says she is just being friendly. I cannot understand why she carries on doing something she knows I do not like. What should I do?

It sounds like your wife has a lot more fun at parties and family occasions than you do. I'd suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone. There are several reasons she "carries on doing something she knows" you do not like: she likes it; it is innocent; she understands it is not a good idea for you to control how she has fun.

Perhaps, if you took your focus off your wife and relaxed a little, she would want to flirt with you. Jealousy is not very attractive. The sooner you realize that your jealousy is your problem and that it has nothing at all to do with her behavior, the sooner you will be over it.

Two things: 1. He (or she) who has the feeling (in this case jealousy) has the problem. 2. Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship.

June 13, 2006

Entitled, spoilt son (17) — please help: my response / see May 24th, 2006

by Rod Smith

To the father of the entitled teenager (17) who lives rather ungratefully under his parent’s generous roof?

You son is popular with others and therefore he has it within him to have a fulfilling child/parent relationship. At 17 he can enter a meaningful discussion about what’s bothering you. When addressing him, reflect on your experiences as the parent rather than on how unwise or ungrateful you perceive him to be.

It is not too late to refuse to do for him the things he appears to take for granted. Make such a stand understanding he is resourceful enough to get what he needs without you.

Be sure to establish what it is that you want before you try to correct his errant ways. If you really want a meaningful father/son relationship, first establish what that means to you.

“I’d like some time on a weekly basis to talk with you face-to-face,” is reasonable. “You are never home so you can go out once a month,” is probably unreasonable.

Do not fall for the lie that your son’s difficulties are somehow directly related to your failings. Your son is talented and young enough to make his own mistakes. The last thing he needs is a dad who feels responsible for his every error.

June 11, 2006

Timing is (almost) everything

by Rod Smith

All relationships require a developed sense of timing, of knowing when it is the appropriate time to talk about important matters, when to play or when to consider change. People get into hot water with each other because they fail to time their requests, fail to anticipate what the other is thinking and feeling, before they present their agenda.

Timing is as much an issue with married couples as it is with bosses/employees, teachers/students, and children/parents. To choose the right time to engage in conflict, to bring up a sensitive issue, to ask a tough question, is not an act of manipulation, but the attempt to display wisdom.

It is probably not a good time to discuss important matters when the other person is: 1. Rushed or preoccupied with other important matters. 2. Anxious about matters unrelated to you. 3. Has just received unwelcome news. 4. Is feeling pushed or cornered. 5. Is feeling used or unappreciated.

Under these conditions it is better to back off rather than forge ahead with your agenda whether it is your wife and you want to talk about buying a new car, or if it is your boss and you want to discuss higher compensation.

June 8, 2006

Dueling mothers-in-law: she is jealous…

by Rod Smith

Q: My son lives in another country and is married to a lovely woman. They are perfectly matched. His wife’s mother started to be very unkind to me (her daughter’s mother-in-law). I can’t even tell you what she did because it was so snide and insidious. I believe her behavior has to come from jealousy. Since she is the mother-in-law of our precious son I have to make it work. Do you have any pointers for me when we visit them for four days in the near future?

A: I’d suggest you laugh a lot and enjoy the people and places while you are overseas. Do not let the small-mindedness of others ruin your vacation.

You are not required to be friends with your son’s in-laws simply because you are related through marriage – but it would be nice, and so I’d not take her jealousy too seriously.

I’d suggest you adopt four attitudes:

1. What others think of me is none of my business.

2. Your jealousy is about you and it is not about me.

3. You’re the one with the jealous feelings, and therefore you are the one with the issue.

4. I will not give you permission to ruin my day by anything you do or say.

June 5, 2006

Daughter doesn’t want to go back and forth anymore….

by Rod Smith

Since I make it almost essential (occasionally I agree it is inappropriate) for both parents to attend appointments with me (even if the parent are divorced) when the topic is a child, I was faced once again with divorced parents of a young girl. Dad was upset. The daughter, they reported, no longer wants to visit him every second weekend. Dad’s no longer her idol. Mom can’t get her to want her dad. The child misses her friends. Dad’s house is “boring.” All the moving unsettles her.

I suggest the parents consider switching houses every second weekend leaving their child permanently in one home. This way mom and dad would see the daughter as frequently, the child would remain near her friends, and her need to travel back and forth would be eradicated. An added bonus, which is obvious to me, involves the parents getting to know what it is like to live in two places and have to pack up and move every second weekend.

My clients were at first confused, and then furious that I would consider suggesting such disruption to their lives! Of course they had spent very little time considering how much children are “punished” and how significantly children’s lives are disrupted by visiting schedules that appear to be designed solely around the needs of the adults.