Archive for ‘Communication’

March 20, 2023

Respect

by Rod Smith

What does respect look like? 

Respect is placing high value on privacy, even, perhaps especially, between and among people who are very intimate with each other. The deeper and greater the intimacy, the greater the need for individual space, even opportunities for extended solitude.

Respect is listening, it’s having the willingness to focus on what another is saying without correcting, interpreting, or interrupting. It’s developing an eye for what another may need or want and looking for ways to serve one another. It’s having an eye for mood and occasion, the ability to read a moment and to sense when strong emotions may call for deeper understanding.

Respect is having an ear for what is not said. It’s the capacity to read between the lines, to discern what may be uncomfortable to express. It is developing an ear to honour what another finds painful, the ability to understand that loved ones may hide pain, may want pain concealed, from some, but not from all.

Respect is found in the appropriate use of touch, touch to affirm, the kind of that says “You are not alone,” and expresses warmth, declaring the pleasure it is to share life with another.

[Merc 3/20/23]

March 18, 2023

Blending families

by Rod Smith

Blending families, smoothly and successfully, is not easy. 

Each family imports its own set of norms and expectations into the new family configuration and these norms and expectations will inevitably clash. Each person, too, brings expectations into the new family quite apart from what the rest of what his or her original family brings to the party. There will also be remaining scars from the sequence of events that made blending two families possible in the first place. 

Blending families calls for super-maturity from the marrying or newly married adults. 

They are called to lead in such a manner that all the members of the newly constituted family’s voices are heard and opinions are respected, irrespective of age.

The adults will be wise to avoid blaming others like a former spouse or former in-laws for the inevitable difficulties that will arise. 

The adults will be wise to avoid disciplining other people’s children, even if he or she is newly married to the children’s mom or dad. 

The adults will be wise to avoid believing the children – no matter what they may say when wanting to please the parent – want this new family as much as the newly married adults do. 

The adults will be wise to speak well of the parents who are excluded from this new blended family.

[The Mercury—Monday]

March 18, 2023

Something a little longer for Sunday….. 

by Rod Smith

One thing I notice about the parables of Jesus and other favorite New Testament events, even Jesus one-liners, is that just as soon as I think I understand the parable, the event, the one-liner, it does a number on me.

Refuses to be conquered.

Reveals I’m scratching the surface in understanding, let alone application.

I know this to be true as I study Jesus’ desert trials, His relationship with Peter, betrayals, the terrors of Gethsemane, The Transfiguration, The Woman caught in adultery, “love your enemies,” to name a few. 

For 10 years (at least) these events in Jesus’ life and many of His sayings have refused to let me go and keep offering me more and more opportunities for understanding and for application.

Who really knows what Jesus meant when he said “a seed must die to bear fruit” (John 12:24) and I am not talking botany?

Every believer worth his or her salt has a go at “unpacking” (my least favorite verb I hear in Christendom) this but I think most attempts at interpretation fail to grasp the larger application of the metaphor, let alone how the “death” occurs and how it applies to you and to me.

 Let me know if you think you know. 

Parables, if we are willing to resist the thought that we already know all there is to know about any one of them, will unfold meaning for years and go deeper and deeper into the willing heart with revelation.

Thinking I know becomes a blockage. My blockage. Time after time reading them I go back to what I already know, which keeps new understanding waiting in the wings for an opportunity to get a moment on stage.

Another thing I find blocks my learning is when I become an insight addict and seek insight and more insight into Scripture but resist or refuse to put the insights into the daily-life action.

Insight, without accompanying action, is not only useless, it blocks further revelation. Then, if I get any insight, refusing to act on what I see becomes a ditch into which my insight tumbles and I become another of millions upon millions of Christains who are incredibly insightful who are very willing to talk, often endlessly, about what they see in whatever be the Biblical topic. And that’s about it.

My gosh, have I met some insightful and loquacious Christians?

Certainty, too, seals shut possibilities of growth and learning. 

It stops discovery. Certainty block’s revelation. 

I find embracing ambiguity and possibility for behavior change opens the floodgates to new understanding and new ways to be in the world.

Understanding Scripture requires change. Transformation. Understanding Scripture will demand it be more than an academic exercise and will seek to influence who and how we are as men and women in our various roles in our various communities and within our families.   

I have read the “Prodigal Son” many many times and have often thought I have a reasonable take on Jesus’ point. My perspectives change if I read it as if I am the Older Brother when my default has always been to read it as the younger, returning son, the “good” guy. When reading the parable from the Older Brother’s point of view I have no problem understanding why he has an issue with the upstart’s return and why he avoids the party. If I read it from the perspective of the Father it doesn’t take long before I am reduced to tears. I think I know that kind of love, at least as much as I am able. My sons have been trying to teach me about it since they entered the world and broke into my heart.

Shifting my point of view when I read “The Good Samaritan” also allows for new insights. I start from the perspective of the “questioning” lawyer. Then I move on through Jesus’ list of characters and end up reading it as the victim who receives assistance from the Samaritan.

When I read it as The Samaritan, I am reduced to tears.

In contrast to the “trained” and the professionals, the ones who should know, the rejected one is the loving one, the one who was never considered a neighbor, the “other,” is the one who goes the extra mile and loves his enemy and models neighborliness.

Have a fabulous Sunday.

March 15, 2023

Stutter

by Rod Smith

It’s a Saturday morning. 

I’m 11. 

I am riding my bike on the gravel entrance to E. W. G. Smith, General Dealer, my dad’s grocery shop as I have done for years.

A car eases alongside me and the driver leans his head out of the open window and asks me directions to Parkhill Soccer Club. 

I know where it is but …. but… but everything I know sticks in my head. 

Words fail. 

Arms twitch. 

My neck stretches. 

Nothing. 

Not a sound will come out of me but for gasps and whelps. 

Then, I am choking on words. 

Monosyllabic squeaks and squawks shot-gun out of me and I can’t stop. 

I turn my bike to look elsewhere and point down the road. 

The driver mimics my sounds, movements, and laughs and points. He fake-chokes. He spits, jerks his head, playing to his audience, a car full of adults. They all begin to move their arms, spit, copy my rapid repetitions until at last the driver shifts his gears and the car tires rip the gravel and the merciless mockers are gone.

I retreated into the house and into myself. 

Closed all doors. 

I am debilitated. 

For days I want to hide in shame and resist venturing into daylight. 

Yes, I’m 11 and I enter days of dark silence, moodiness, and humiliation. 

I can’t shake this stutter. I can’t shake the shame. 

The memory of trying to give directions to a place I knew so well plays repeatedly in my head and humiliation washes over me everytime i think of it and even when I don’t.

March 14, 2023

Keep it clean

by Rod Smith

Harking back to my early music days – I began to perform publicly at 14 – my dad always told me to keep it clean.

He said that comedians and musicians never needed to be “blue” which meant suggestive or sexual. He said no one ever needed to use swear words or “bad words” or racial slurs in order to be funny.

Dad said that real artists could do it all without resorting to filth, claiming it was the distinguisher between real talent and those who were found lacking.

I know my dad would cringe if he were around today. Browsing an airport bookstore recently I was surprised how many book titles contain the “f” word on the cover. There are clergy who think it is cool or authentic or “vulnerable” to use the “F-word” in common exchanges and in print and from the pulpit.

Keep it clean, really. 

What we say and how we say it exposes our hearts.

It reveals what’s going on within you and me.

It lets others into what’s going on within each of us and I hate it when I am in a place where it feels necessary to use words I know my dad would prefer me to avoid.

Duke keeps it clean…..
March 13, 2023

Suggestion for Hallmark

by Rod Smith

I’m amused at how many “special days” there are and how many I miss. I’ve got the very best sister and brother on the planet but “National Siblings Day” comes and goes and I’m usually none the wiser. I missed “National Sons Day” quite recently. “French Bulldog Day” too, comes and goes and I’m yet to post a picture of Maggie dressed to the nines in her French Pink collar. 

I’d like to suggest a few new holidays for Hallmark or whoever pushes these special days:

Good Samaritan Day — love someone (send flowers, bake cookies, research what he or she needs and provide it) whom you could legitimately reject or who could legitimately reject you. That, after all, is the essence of the parable. It’s not about dumping “the poor” with stuff you don’t need or want.

Prodigal Day — Dismount your high horse and throw a party of welcome for all the “wrong” and “lost” and rejected people you know whether they’ve “changed” or not. There’s no indication in the parable that the returning son has “repented” and it may well be you or me who really has to.

Woman Caught in Adultery Day — leave your “stones” of judgment at home and walk through the day humbly aware of your own shortcomings. Jesus gives the woman a break and an identity. Let’s do the same for all the “tragic figures” we meet and perhaps someone will have and display similar grace for us, yes, you and me.

Meet Maggie
March 11, 2023

Are real conversations a dying art?

by Rod Smith

Screen-obsession may be rendering face-to-face conversations a dying art. 

You may have noticed some people can look deeply into a screen for hours but are uncomfortable, even unsettled, rattled really, with the briefest of human eye-contact. 

I acknowledge this idea will not fly in some cultures and contexts and none of which I’ll name.

Adapt the words (adjust, make the idea sound like your own) that follow to avoid sounding ridiculous and contrived, but use the broad ideas in face-to-face conversations.

Be gentle, you may be met with delight or horror!

“I am interested in how you arrived here (this job, predicament, fabulous place). Tell me as much as you’d like me to know.” 

“I will give you an hour (ten minutes, two hours, choose your amount of time) of uninterrupted time to tell me as much or as little about anything you choose. I will listen with both ears, both eyes, and all my heart and offer zero advice or judgment.”

“I’d love to hear about what you want from your life and about your plans to achieve what you want with your life.”

“What are the three or four greatest challenges you’ve ever faced? I’m interested in learning. Tell me as much or as little as you’d like me to know.”

[web only- not for Merc]

Some time ago – my sons. Pure delight.
March 10, 2023

Does God open and close doors?

by Rod Smith

“Do you think that God opens and closes doors for people?” asks a close friend. 

I’m so glad to hear how well you’re doing.

Now to your question:

Women and men open and close doors for each other in many ways all over the world and it is therefore a convenient metaphor to apply to God.

I’m not so sure that God “operates” on quite the same plane, is quite so transactional, and impersonal. I think the idea is dangerously Anthropomorphic (that’s not the exact word I need but it’ll work for now). The metaphor is hard to escape, given that it’s such a widely held belief, I think it limits our understanding of God’s willing and intimate and vibrant connection with each and all humans, if we recognize it or not.

Doors do close. And open. Sometimes doors slam shut. On occasion a closed door needs a bulldozer while some ought to be forever sealed shut. Wisdom is knowing the difference. Wisdom is appreciating that things change: an open door today may need demolishing next year.

The problem with attributing all this to God can reduce us to anxious lab rats trying to avoid getting doors slammed on our tails or in our faces. God is too loving and kind for life to be an endless quest of chasing opening or closing elevator and other doors.

God is at one time, while building God’s Kingdom, Ultimately Intimate and Dangerously Loving while Equally close and involved in matters historical, political, and geographical.

Nothing, absolutely nothing takes God by surprise except when we, you and I, embrace and live to the best of God’s Empowerment, the Counter-Intuitive Gospel. It takes even God by surprise when we actually Love our enemies and embrace the Stranger and don’t just preach about it. Preaching drones on, and on but actions of Love and Acceptance and the Embodiment of Love in unexpected places gets God’s attention.

You are where you are and are intimate with whom you are intimate in a family as the result of Divine Courage – yours and God’s and mine (I was there if you recall) and the host of friends and family who all rejoiced with you on that beautiful day.

And, what a day it was. 

Doors didn’t open and close, continents tipped and nations conspired to bring you and your Blessed husband together.

I know.

I was there.

Before the beginning of your profound discovery of each other I was there and watched it all unfold and was regularly caught quite off-guard by the sheer beauty of your mutual discovery of each other.

You brought each other to greater life. You resurrected each other to life more beautiful and challenging and annoying than each of you had previously known. And it was nerve wracking and magnificent to witness, and, I’m sure, to experience, and continue to experience.

Open and close doors?

No, I think rather God moves mountain ranges of doubt and fear and replaces them with the quality of courage you both displayed when you said “I do” (less than a meter from me). At that moment a continental shift occurred and made you one and then over time made you many and then made you one and then many and on and on to all be more beautiful now – including your fabulous children of course – than when you said “I do” and you were already beautiful then, too!

Now, your question and visiting these memories has made me cry.

*****************

Unrelated picture —— Nate will be 21 in a few weeks!

March 9, 2023

You’re not always right…..

by Rod Smith

Dear Rod: On the whole I think you give very positive advice, although you’re not always right! I estimate that 90% is a good average, so keep it up! I enjoy your column. Kind regards, Glen

I love such responses to my work and have probably received hundreds of similar replies (always from men) over the 22 years this column has appeared daily in The Mercury.

Glen is far above average when it comes to politeness.

Thank you Glen for the 90% grade. I’m quite happy to reach even 75% (of being “right”) given the diversity of readers and thinkers of our beloved newspaper.

I do try to be positive. I do this first for myself and then for my readers given that most of us are more immersed in negative news than is probably good for the soul. I really do approach my life and the blank page (actually a blank screen) with a “yes” or “can-do-it” mindset. Who wants to live with anything less let alone read repeated discouragement in the mornings?

I know I’m not always right. Thank you for reminding me about this.

Life certainly agrees with you and often reminds me, rather loudly, that I’m not.

My son Thulani – 25 soon!
March 2, 2023

The gift of Fridays

by Rod Smith

I like to think of every Friday as a good one, no matter how trying a week may have been. Fridays announce the fire-break, declare the rest-stop, the opportunity for the breather that’s just around the corner. 

Fridays are for letting things go, the cumulative stresses of all that’s come at me from Monday. I hope it’ll be the same for you.

Fridays are for a few handwritten notes in the mail, notes of affirmation and thanks, not necessarily for what’s occurred in the past few days but an expression of thanks to those who’ve got me to this point. Consider joining me, it’s amazing how good it feels to write without a screen. 

Fridays are for re-envisioning the shape of the future, not only next week and six months ahead, but my role is in creating a great tomorrow for my children’s children’s children. We really do, like it or not, for good and for ill and everything in between, invest in the future.

Fridays are plan-my-weekend reading opportunities and so I rather informally gather the books and articles I’m hoping to start or finish.  I confess, this is an ongoing challenge but remains refreshing because it is unfinished. 

Fridays are for scheduling one-on-one phone-free, screen-free time over the weekend with our most intimate circle of family and friends.

I recommend this fabulous book to you….