Archive for ‘Boundaries’

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December 25, 2023

Getting ready for new year resolutions?

by Rod Smith

It’s time for New Year’s resolutions. 

The louder and bolder mine are, I’ve learned over the years, the less likely they are to last. 

I do tend to follow through a little better on silent, private resolutions. 

Prior to making hopeful decisions about the coming year I also try to elucidate three or so learnings or observations from the last 12 months. 

Repeated questions gave shape to my 2023:

“What kind of person do you want to be?” I asked myself almost daily. Answering it, trying to live according to my answers, I believe saved me some pain and expense. The joy of the question is that it removes others from the equation. It removes all elements of blame and any potential desire for pay-back. It obliterates all traces of victim thinking and victim living.

“How would you like your sons to behave in any parallel circumstances at a similar age?” Trying to live the answer to this question has, I believe, provided me with safe guidance. 

“Seed or stone; bloom or tomb?” Answering this question, posed in a poem by Dennis and Mathhew Linn, has been life-transforming. Seeds grow, feed — represent life; stones are hard and lifeless, can hurt and wound. It’s far easier to stone others than it is to resist the urge and transform whatever it is into life-giving seeds. This metaphor has guided my responses to many challenging circumstances. I like to think I have chosen seeds and have been determined to throw no stones.

Greetings from my sons, from me, and from Duke

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family | Leave a Comment »

December 20, 2023

A note to my sons — shared also with you — about love

by Rod Smith

Love one another is surely among life’s hardest, crucial, most fabulous assignments.

Jesus commanded it. 

He did not suggest it or consider it a good idea. 

If we claim faith in Jesus, His commands leave us no options, no outs, or off ramps.

We are to love those who love us back and those who do not. 

We are to love even those who for whatever reason, have chosen to reject and hate us. Hardest perhaps, we are to love those for whom we are invisible, those who regard us, if they even notice we exist, with indifference. 

We are to love modern day Samaritans (the commonly rejected change from culture to culture, group to group) and Pharisees (today’s know-it-all blowhards who peer down at we lesser mortals) and teachers of the law and hookers and addicts and bankers and Rev. Private Jet pastors and prostitutes. We are to love those who treat us with the contempt shown to New Testament Samaritans. 

Yes. 

Everyone.     

As you, my sons, love others well and as you learn to love even more people – it doesn’t come naturally – from the most distant or platonic of relationships, to the most intimate and sacred love and trust in marriage, you will be guided, sometimes cajoled, driven, even bullied by deep inner impulses. 

Strong tides, forces unseen, forces felt but unknown will rise within you.

These inner pressures are sufficiently powerful that words expressed on any page will not be able to quell the force they will try to exert over you.

Love drills down deep for discovery of the opposite spirit, the counter-intuitive approach, the unexpected, the unanticipated means toward a loving, kind end. 

Love your enemies is not some insurmountable-Jesus-hurdle. 

He did not command it to trick anyone. 

Loving your enemies is the gateway to loving all people, even to love those whom we may consider easy to love.

No one is easy to love. 

Remember, what you can do to anyone you can do to everyone. 

Love is really understanding the parable of the “good” Samaritan and trying to live it out daily.

Love, to imperfectly and briefly quote Paul, the Apostle, doesn’t return evil for evil.

Finally, read Paul’s summary of love in 1 Corinthians 13 and remind yourself over and over again, Paul did not have wedding sermons in mind when he put his heart on paper.

Go into all the world…..

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Trust, Voice, YWAM | 2 Comments »

December 14, 2023

People will tell you who they are…..

by Rod Smith

….. with reasonable and trustworthy accuracy:

“The thing to remember always is that you’re surrounded by idiots. Once you get that right in your own head things start moving in your favor.”

“Everyone has something to teach me. I try to learn from everyone.”

“I never fly economy. Who’d ever do that? It’s like moving cattle. See you later.” 

“It’s such a privilege to see the world. My company policy is everyone flies economy. Even the top brass.”

“I make all the decisions in our home. He leaves it all up to me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

“I just go straight to the top. I don’t mess with the lower rank employees, the paid by the hour sorts of people.” 

“I try to live without blaming others. Yes, bad things have happened to me but I’m an adult now. I’ve got to live with what I’ve got and make the best of everything.”

“Wait for a table? Not me. I get what I want when I want or I don’t go back. I vote with my feet and they know it.”

(Said to me —- or overheard in a variety of settings)

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December 13, 2023

Who and what do you want to be?

by Rod Smith

What kind of person do you want to be? 

May this question help you to plan your day. I confess, it’s constantly in the back of my mind with almost all my daily interactions. 

You’ve seen him demanding to see the boss, insisting on getting his way, banging fists on the counter. He becomes aggressive and threatening when things don’t go his way. You can be this person if you want. It all depends on what kind of person you want to be.

You’ve heard and seen her, raising her voice at a waiter in a fine restaurant because something wasn’t up to her standards. She plays dirty and attempts to humiliate helpers to land a free meal. You can be this way if you want. Everything depends on who you want to be.

You’ve seen him, kind and patient under stress, generous and openhearted, even when facing difficulties. You can be this way if you want. It’s always, and there are no exceptions, up to you. 

You’ve seen her, helping the poor, serving the sick, making meals for neighbors, all-the-while undergoing her own stresses, suffering beneath her own burdens and loads. She serves while she herself deserves to be served. You can be this way if you want. Everything pivots on what kind of person you want to be.

My friend Michael — a finer human (than Michael) I’m yet to meet.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Leadership, Recovery, Responsive people | 1 Comment »

November 16, 2023

Thanksgiving is just around the corner….

by Rod Smith

Next week, aiming particularity for Thursday, millions of people in the United States will travel “home” to a family meal called Thanksgiving. It’s almost a given that, after turkey and mashed potatoes and all the “fixings” and before the football (American “Football” of course) on TV people will go around the table and express their gratitude for everything from the nation as a whole to grandma for fixing her trademark green beans. 

I confess, it is no easy holiday for an immigrant given that it’s my sons and me and no extended family, but we have grown accustomed to it and are always included in Nolan Smith’s (former Beachwood and Durban North person) family for Thanksgiving. 

I have my list ready to go:

I am grateful for my sons and the men they have become. They are honest and very hard working. They know how to conduct themselves in all contexts and I am often moved to tears when others tell me about some of the things they know about my sons.

I am grateful to my readers around the world. I never imagined that The Mercury would become the international platform that it has become for me. 

I am grateful for my extended family around the world who do such an amazing job of keeping in touch. Not a week goes by without a vibrant back and forth involving several continents. 

I am grateful for the speaking opportunities afforded me. It’s a demonstration of Beauty for Ashes and Grace-upon-Grace if ever I knew one.

I am grateful to be an American and to have dual citizenship with South Africa. Really, a man can love two nations. I know it is possible because I do.

My all-time favorite tie

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief | 2 Comments »

October 23, 2023

Ever felt like this before?

by Rod Smith

You are pushing me. 

I feel it. 

When I tell you you are going to tell me it is out of love or concern. 

There are better ways to love me than emotional arm-wrestling. 

You want me to respond to my circumstances as you may respond to pressures you are facing. 

I am not you. 

You are not me. 

We are not the same. 

We each have our own way of handling matters, from matters insignificant to matters of deep consequence. 

This is not a rejection of you or of your love or an insult. It is a tribute to both of us.  

I have no problem with you being unlike me. 

Could you afford me the same freedom and privilege?

Very different life experiences shaped us each and delivered us to our unique challenges. It is only to be expected that our responses will be quite different. 

Even what we perceive as threats are not the same. What seems to be a threat to you lands on me as a challenge. It works the other way around, too.

Let’s agree to love each other so powerfully, that we learn the fine art of leaving each other alone so our friendship may truly flourish.

I am here for you.

We can discuss anything you want and I will do it without exerting any pressure whatsoever. 

Promise.    

Please, return the favor.

Painting in a museum in Vina Del Mar— Chile

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership | 2 Comments »

October 22, 2023

About Mental Health — maybe yours……

by Rod Smith

No one feels healthy, and on top of the world, all the time.

Emotional ebbs and flows are normal.

Good days and bad days come with being human.  

Give yourself a break. 

If you are “down” for days, if you are unwilling to get out of bed, unwilling to engage in the regular and “normal” joys and tasks common to all people: like eating, bathing or showering, wearing clean clothing, getting ready for the day, the routines required of the general population, it may be time to seek help. 

If you are overly tired and unmotivated, despite having had a good deal of sleep and find it tough to identify any joyfulness in any of your surroundings or activities or relationships, it may be time to seek help. If you sometimes feel plagued by dark thoughts, scary ideas you can’t seem to shed or shake – speak up to someone who can assist you to find help.

Emotional ebbs and flows are common but when the ebbs significantly outnumber the flows, it’s probably time to let someone know you are bordering on desperate or are already desperate. 

While you think and feel you’re trapped in an emotional or relational cul-de-sac of desperation, you probably don’t have to remain there.

Reach out.

There are people willing, qualified, waiting to listen.

An afternoon walk in Vina del Mar, Chile

Posted in Addictions, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | Leave a Comment »

September 17, 2023

Maturity — the emotional kind

by Rod Smith

Emotional maturity is not age-determined.

I have seen it in 13-year-olds and missing in adults.

The member of the family who is empowered to grow and foster healthy change within a struggling family (or church or business or not-for-profit) will demonstrate some (not necessarily all) of these abilities.

There are popular tests to measure this quotient.

Here are the abilities I look for when dealing with families or groups in conflict.

  • The capacity to switch lenses, to see the world, at least for a time, from another’s point of view. 
  • The capacity to report what is heard, to be able to accurately report what is said even if the content are points of contention or disagreement.
  • The capacity for objectivity, to be able to remove oneself and one’s interests, at least temporarily, in order to gain a bird’s eye view of what’s going on.
  • The capacity to see the differences among “I” and “you” and “us” and be able to differentiate each person from his or her individual role and as a member of a group and therefore resist the natural urge to plunge into a boundary-less cloud of togetherness where individuality is threatened or lost.
  • The capacity for playfulness and for healthy humor under almost all circumstances as even the most intense of circumstances are usually laced somewhere with elements of irony and humor.
  • The capacity for kindness, even while under threat or attack (I know, I know, this is a tough one).
Our Forest….. a short walk from our home.
Grace-upon-grace is ours.

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory | 1 Comment »

September 1, 2023

Is your dad a helicopter parent?

by Rod Smith

A parent of one of my son’s peers asked my son, then about 11, if I was a “helicopter” parent. 

For the uninitiated, this is a somewhat playful but can be demeaning term teachers may use for the “over-parenting” types teachers must often engage. 

It’s the hyper-vigilant, ever anxious, overly child-focussed parent whose entire life appears to hub around a child or children. It is the parent who is focussed almost solely on the child’s moods, grades, levels of content or discontent. It is the parent who sees parenting as a 24/7/365 forever-calling, and who, with the advent of a child or children, finally has something for which to live. 

“No, he’s more like a submarine,” he replied.

This response entertained me. It revealed an uncanny understanding of how I usually operate. This compliment still enriches me even though my parenting has ended. (I am still their dad but my sons are launched). 

When facing a challenge or an issue, I tend to circle the area, often undetected. I watch. I assess, get counsel. 

Then, I act. 

It may take a while.

What some may perceive as inaction — is not.

The submarine is scouting the territory, testing the tides, weighing options.

The sub is seeking objectivity, assessing an approach, trying to love, and timing the potential, if necessary, of one. or even several, strikes.

Early days

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Grace, Parenting/Children | 1 Comment »

August 31, 2023

Prayer upon rising…..

by Rod Smith

Prayer upon rising

May I…..

be a source of healing, not hurt or injury.

learn to be more patient and loving with the people closest to me.

value people more than things.

apologize sincerely and efficiently when I wrong others.

learn to respect and love myself without being self-indulgent, self-absorbed or self-centered.

be immovable about matters of personal integrity, yet flexible and understanding when others do not do what is right and good.

learn to switch off or ignore my phone when I am face-to-face with anyone.

listen more than I speak.

be generous.

consistently spend less than I earn.

learn to define myself, not others.

learn to hold my tongue when tempted to gossip.

have growing clarity about what is and what is not my business and the power to mind my own business.

keep my word.

learn to promote the strengths of others even if it means stepping aside so others may get ahead.

learn to live in the present and design a great future rather than dwell upon the way things were or could have been.

Let it be…….

A favorite picture of Thulani and me
A favorite photograph of Nate and me
And, well, one of ….. me

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family | 1 Comment »

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