I am riding my bike on the gravel entrance to E. W. G. Smith, General Dealer, my dad’s grocery shop as I have done for years.
A car eases alongside me and the driver leans his head out of the open window and asks me directions to Parkhill Soccer Club.
I know where it is but …. but… but everything I know sticks in my head.
Words fail.
Arms twitch.
My neck stretches.
Nothing.
Not a sound will come out of me but for gasps and whelps.
Then, I am choking on words.
Monosyllabic squeaks and squawks shot-gun out of me and I can’t stop.
I turn my bike to look elsewhere and point down the road.
The driver mimics my sounds, movements, and laughs and points. He fake-chokes. He spits, jerks his head, playing to his audience, a car full of adults. They all begin to move their arms, spit, copy my rapid repetitions until at last the driver shifts his gears and the car tires rip the gravel and the merciless mockers are gone.
I retreated into the house and into myself.
Closed all doors.
I am debilitated.
For days I want to hide in shame and resist venturing into daylight.
Yes, I’m 11 and I enter days of dark silence, moodiness, and humiliation.
I can’t shake this stutter. I can’t shake the shame.
The memory of trying to give directions to a place I knew so well plays repeatedly in my head and humiliation washes over me everytime i think of it and even when I don’t.
If you fall in love (or are friends) with a man or a woman who reveals having had a very difficult childhood there are a few things of which you may want to be aware.
Keep in mind that I am only one voice in a vastly explored arena. It is usually a good idea to get lots of insights from several sources.
Sad thing is that if you have already fallen in love you probably won’t be looking for help.
If you are, it’s because you’ve already begun to see how tough it is to love tough-historied people. (I rather like my euphemism).
“Troubled” or “unsettled” are pejorative terms.
Avoid them.
People from tough backgrounds can be very exciting, motivated and “world-changing” people.
If you are going to be partners you have to learn and understand what kind of music is playing in their heads and hearts and how they dance to it or turn it up or turn it down or turn it off (if they ever can).
They will often be way ahead of most people in terms of being street wise. They have had to be. They have been watching, negotiating, recruiting, debating and have had to have an eye for undercurrents for so long such behaviors are a way of life for them.
They will usually be cunningly intelligent but also possess zero desire to bring harm to you or others.
More about this sometime….
Artist: Trevor Beach – google him or find him on Facebook and buy his art. The above and another hangs in my office. I enjoy the idea that an artist named Beach seems only to paint Ocean Scenes.
I have met a few people who demonstrate what I call “quiet rage.”
They are usually very controlled, accomplished people who are often known for their ability cope with stress and difficult circumstances.
In truth, deep inside, they are often seething.
The controlled demeanor serves to bury agitation.
The façade serves a dual purpose: it gives others the sense that things are fine, it gives the perpetrator the idea that things really are under control.
This condition is filled with schisms and chasms within and among people. It creates separation both among others and within the self.
While quiet rage might not impact casual relationships in a meaningful manner (and of course it might), quite rage can be damaging for the host and all who love those who harbor it.
If this observation “rings a bell” for you I’d like to suggest quiet rage is deeply rooted in a few sources: disappointment, the desire to control the often uncontrollable, and in the painful discovery that each of us struggles to live up to our own expectations, never mind the expectations of others.
Quite rage will only be quiet and cooperate for a season.
Then, it grows. It wants out. It manifest in overt anger and illnesses.
Why is it so hard to get obvious alcoholics to see or to admit they are addicts?
Here are the three indications (only one is needed) of an addiction whether the addict is willing to recognize them or not:
Physical craving
Loss of job or status
Loss or threat of loss of a significant relationship
For the typical alcoholic the label “alcoholic” often suggests someone who is more desperate, more out of control, than he or she perceives him or herself to be.
Many alcoholics are well-controlled men and women who have perfected the art of charade. They hold important roles in our communities and appear successful.
To admit there is a problem with alcohol (or drugs, sex, or gambling) is costly. Denial is at least perceived as the better option than exposure, than seeking help. The closet is safe, it’s routine, and there are usually family members well trained in the art of enabling.
“Rock bottom” is a frequently used term suggesting that an addict will usually resist the label or resist getting help until he or she reaches rock bottom. It’s a sad place to reach for the addict and for all who love the addict and for all who are caught up in the addict’s web of denial and survival.
If you are desperate, perhaps wondering if life is worth living or even contemplating ending yours, there are a few things I would like you to know:
You are more loved and treasured than you probably realize.
Your voice is your most powerful weapon. Let someone know about your experience.
You have abilities and talents you are yet to discover.
Your life is a novel worth writing.
If you are still breathing you have the capacity to love.
Even if you have encountered rejection and faced failure for most of your life you still have the capacity to forgive and to love. Both capacities come with the human package.
There are people who will listen if you let them know you want to talk.
You have probably already faced more demanding challenges so you do have the resources to face this one.
You are correct if you respond with, “He doesn’t know me” or “he’s thousands of miles away.” Being far removed does not mean that I do not care. And, I am not the only one who cares. Please, let these simple thoughts seep into your being and perhaps become stepping-stones for you to find hope.
Extended or immediate family discontent, even family rage, is more easily solved, healed, or negotiated sooner rather than later. Wait too long and it may go on for generations.
The longer schisms linger, the deeper they become and the more entrenched and “default” the reactive behaviors become. Bitterness, cynicism set in. Cut-offs become a way of life. Walls get higher and stronger.
The stories about who did what to who expand, often beyond recognition, in the heads of those who harbor and perpetuate the conflict.
To find healing or reconciliation, the “bigger” person, or the stronger member of the family, or the one who has the highest levels of “differentiation of self,” the one who wants the healing, initiates a conversation. That conversation must be devoid of all blame and all finger pointing. He or she does the necessary preparation and decides exactly what is wanted and what healing in a particular family may look like. Such an initiative demands humility, flexibility, and a deep desire for reconciliation.
Some families have been at war with each other for so long those who started it are long buried and those on the front lines do not even know anymore why they are fighting.
Please, don’t let that be true for you and for your family.
The consequences are too extreme, especially for innocent children who are inevitably caught in the crossfire.
If you’re toying with the idea of an extramarital affair or with the idea of cheating on your partner, may I caution you? Affairs are seductive. They are seductive, not because they woo you into false intimacy, but because affairs lure you away from your crucible of authentic growth, your committed relationship. This is where maturity and fulfillment are available.
An illicit relationship won’t teach you anything worth learning. It will reveal you as one who lacks integrity. It’s a character issue. It’s not about getting the sex you need or the companionship you crave.
If your marriage is not working an affair won’t enduringly help.
The one who is toying with the idea of an extramarital affair is unlikely to even read, let alone heed these words. Attraction is powerful. It’ blinds. The victims of infidelity can seem propelled on a course of self-destruction. The heat of the chase, the heat of the moment, the rush of the deceit and the intricacies of the cover-up can feel like amazing love. It’s not.
Go home. Make right with your spouse, or do whatever you need to do.
An affair won’t heal a lonely heart or help your troubled marriage. It’ll further damage both.
Love leads to listening, freedom, warmth, care, and mutual support. It’s sharing dreams; it’s facing challenges together. It’s pooling resources for mutual benefit. It’s providing a safe place for each other and for any children with whom you share your life.
Love is not love when:
Coercion is threatened or used
There are attempts to seclude or cut off from family and friends
Betrayal is threatened or used
Love is used to trap, manipulate, or possess
Confinement is threatened or used – car keys hidden, doors locked, plans cancelled without consultation or knowledge
Privacy is denied (rooms, cupboards, purses, phone, computer, email, conversations)
Traps are set to test fidelity
Stalking, watching, tracking of any manner is threatened or used
Attempt at important talk repeatedly escalate to shouting matches
Violence of any kind (physical, sexual, emotional, psychological) of any degree of severity is used
Warmth, kindness expressed to others (old friends, family, former colleagues) is given as the reason for jealousy and conflict
When the use of alcohol or legal or illegal substances deplete mutual resources and lead to aberrant behavior or conflict
Your body is more important than your brain therefore focus on your body, not your brain. Your body will get you further than your brain. Your body is bait. Use it well for a fine catch (riches, status – things you can’t get alone). Other people are more important than you. You are on Earth to serve, particularly all males.
Once a husband finds you, your greatest calling is to be a mother. If you have other ambitions you will compromise your mothering. Your only worthwhile ideas pertain to cooking, cleaning, and childcare; leave thinking about sciences, technology, and mathematics to males.
Once you are in love you will give up yourself for your husband and your children. This is what love is. You are a half. When you meet a man and marry you will become whole. If you suffer in silence and allow others to use you God will reward you.
Having addressed female audiences in the USA, Southern Africa, and in three Asian countries, I perceive these covert and overt messages to girls remain consistent. Perhaps saddest is that when girls find faith, they often expect God to be the ultimate male, issuing similar messages, demands, and expectations.
When referring to my brother’s generosity I wrote that I believe generosity is among several of the most powerful human abilities. I’ve seen it time and again do its fabulous work.
Here are more of what I believe to be innate human capacities.
Exercised, they make us “more human.” Neglected or ignored, I believe they render us rather cold, even inhuman:
The capacity to forgive even the most grievous offenses – yes, of course it’s hard, but NOT doing so may be even harder.
The capacity for empathy – to see and understand, but of course, not necessarily agree with, the perspective of another, even that of an enemy.
The capacity to influence for good (and, to influence for ill is bundled within the same set of human strengths). We have the power to influence – let’s hope it is used for good.
The capacity to learn from mistakes and errors, and to learn that it is possible to not repeat them.
The capacity to move up the brain and therefore allow ones self to think more objectively, engage in better long-term planning, and form the habit of responding rather than reacting.
The capacity to listen more than to speak. If we listen we may actually learn something – when we speak we are usually repeating what we think we already know.
The capacity to calm the ego rush – or the ability to see and understand that being right or recognized or winning doesn’t come close to the joy of learning to be loving.
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