Archive for ‘Anger’

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April 6, 2009

To forgive or not to forgive, there is no question….

by Rod Smith

dsc_0642Infidelity is hard to forgive. Not forgiving it is harder. One is a severe punch. The other is a double whammy, its impact potentially outlasting the memory of the betrayal.

Unwillingness to forgive is often the only thing onto which a slighted spouse can hold, the only available ammunition to make a spouse pay. It’s easy to understand. Logical. It’s predictable. But, it ferries undesirable consequences.

Resentment might feel like a good and effective tool to hurt a partner for misdeeds, but it will make you most unattractive. Bitterness might be the most prevalent and obviousthorns emotion to feel, to use, but it will persistently eat you from the inside, leave you feeling even angrier, even more powerless over your life. Then, apart from punishing your spouse, they (resentment and bitterness) will punish you and contaminate all your relationships. In short, they have no boundaries and they are on a mission to deface all that is good and pure.

Who, from any arena of your life, wants to engage a bitter and resentful person in anything meaningful? His or her infidelity might make a spouse untrustworthy, but your resentment and bitterness will ultimately make you most unattractive!

A partner’s infidelity may rob you of trust, rob you of the sacredness of what you had in marriage, but given time, given time to hurt and to express feelings of appropriate anger, I suggest you relinquish your legitimate right to be angry, and forgive.

This is the high road. And your inner beauty will be strengthened, your light will once again begin to shine. And, your unfaithful spouse will no longer be in control of you or your future whether you remain married or not.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Marriage, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery | Leave a Comment »

April 4, 2009

Is there room for righteous anger….?

by Rod Smith

dsc_0642The “anger” column (below) generated much response. Several persons said there is room for righteous anger. Some reminded me that Jesus got angry. Of course there is room for righteous anger. The issue is can you remain righteous while expressing righteous anger? I find it difficult to remain righteous (calm, honest, clear-headed, strong) and express righteous anger.

Here are some circumstances – there are, of course, others – where righteous anger is to be expected:

1. The helpless (children, the poor, the ill) are victimized.
2. Power (financial, political) is abused.
3. Religion (faith, The Bible) is misused.
4. Lies and gossip are perpetuated.
5. Intimidation, manipulation, and domination are considered normal.
6. Waste of money and other resources is ignored.
7. Women are treated or believed to be “lesser” beings or weaker than are men.

I find I am more helpful when confronted with the above circumstances if:

1. I wait to assess what is occurring (rather than jump in and “righteously” attack).
2. I go to the “source” rather than the symptom.
3. I consult with others to discern if the issue is a product of my unresolved conflicts or if it is indeed something others also see.

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March 24, 2009

The lonely road of Anger

by Rod Smith

Anger, like happiness, joy, and fulfillment, is an “individual pursuit.” Its hurtful expression ought not be laid at the door of the victim. People are angry – alone. The “you-make-me-so-angry” line is a cop-out, a fallacy, and ought to be challenged and resisted. “Buying it” helps the angry man or woman remain immature and maintain unhelpful control.

Certainly, my behavior could trigger your anger, but to do so, the anger has to be already resident, lurking, within you. I may be sufficiently powerful to light your fuse but it remains your fuse.

k-is-for-knee-jerkMany people “get” angry in traffic – but it is not the traffic that makes people angry – the traffic is the catalyst for the anger already resident in people. I know men and women who can sit for hours in horrendous traffic and enjoy books on tape or soothing music! Despite their demanding careers (interrupted by heavy traffic) these men and women have correctly recognized that ranting and raving over things over which they have no control is rather pointless and foolish.

The first step dealing with anger is the recognition that it is not someone else’s fault – but is indeed something that needs to be addressed by the person within whom the anger has found a home.

Alas, angry people abound. Some cover it effectively, making careers of it (watch some sports stars!). Others appear to turn it into something productive like very hard work or passionate involvement in causes (watch some politicians). Some, who have failed to deploy it down more helpful avenues, fight with everyone sooner or later.

Anger (in you or others) is beyond reasoning. “Reasoning” with anger or with an angry person, while he or she is feeling the anger, is pointless. Get out of the way. This is the only helpful thing to do. Refuse to be the victim. If you are the one feeling and expressing the anger, remove yourself from possible victims – have you episode alone!

Anger cannot be “dealt with” academically, through willfulness, or resolutions. Ironically, it can only be dealt with when felt. Stopping, answering the question, “What it really going on here?” will help you find a solution. The ability to see what’s going on trumps the importance of its origin. “I am feeling out of control,” or “This situation appears to want to rob me of something,” or “I am not being recognized for my true importance,” will help you to give your feelings a greater context – and possibly defuse the moment into something more productive.

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March 22, 2009

I am married to an emotionally abusive man…

by Rod Smith

k-is-for-knee-jerk“I am in constant coming under emotional abuse. I wished I could get out of this 27-years of unhappy marriage. I stayed for the children. I feel I am living with a manipulative husband who has a negative effect on me. In front of other people he may look as an angel. I think only the a wife that stays with him all hours of a day can know the reality of such personality. Please help.”

dsc_0642Your husband’s success at manipulation and your continued cooperation go hand-in-hand. Once you change things, the marriage might not survive. Manipulative men usually run from real women!

You are crucial to initiating the change you desire.

1. Gather community: start secretly, if you must, to talk to a small group of trusted friends about what is really occurring.
2. Read widely: study books by men and women who have “been there” and learn from what they have done.
3. Make three “small” decisions, like, “I will never again lie for him, have sex I do not want, or make him look good if he is not.”

“Smaller” successes will empower you to stronger steps. He will become more manipulative as he sees he is losing control. You will become bolder and stronger until you are no longer cooperating with his unhealthy ways.

Posted in Anger, Attraction | 2 Comments »

March 3, 2009

He has been acting strangely since December…

by Rod Smith

“My husband has been acting strangely since December. I’ve been trying to pry from him whatever is bothering him, but we these talks have led to nothing. He stopped saying ‘I love you too’ on the phone, which also hurts me. I finally told him we needed a serious talk. He didn’t actually tell me that he didn’t love me, but he won’t respond. He told me he has bottled up so many emotions and problems over the past year that they just festered inside and he’s rotted away with them. He wants help but we cannot afford it right now. I’ve always told him to tell me how he feels or if something I am doing is wrong, but he just keeps everything inside. Now he is a lifeless shell that goes through the same routine every day. I want to tell him I love him but it hurts to hear ‘okay’ in response.” (Edited)

dsc_0642Festering inside! Lifeless shell! Rotting away? I’d suggest your husband cannot afford not to get help. Unless there are entire chapters of your husband’s life that he is not divulging, it appears your husband is battling at least some form of depression. Beg or borrow, do anything ethical to get professional help.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Marriage | Leave a Comment »

February 9, 2009

Ten signs of Spiritual Abuse….

by Rod Smith

Take Up Your Life

Take Up Your Life

Ten signs of the presence of spiritual abuse, manipulation, domination, or intimidation. Spiritual Abuse (which is always expressed in varying degrees) is occurring when a pastor, leader, or even a friend:

1. “Hears” God for you. God apparently “goes through” him/her to speak to you. (This requires a sense of superiority – from him or her and is often framed as being “more mature,” and a sense of being “less” from you.)
2. Alienates (shuns, ignores) you if you do not adhere to his/her guidance, leadership, or authority. (This is usually VERY subtle – so it is easy to deny.)
3. Suggests that rejection of his/her “higher understanding” is done so at your spiritual or even physical peril. (You will hear things like, “Be careful. You will move yourself from the covering and protection of God.”)
4. Rewards your obedience with inclusion, and punishes your questioning or resistance with withdrawal. (Compliance gets stroked, resistance gets struck!)
5. Demands “cathartic” honesty. Unless you spew out every detail of your life you must be hiding or withholding something (and that “something” will, of course, impede your spiritual development).
6. Lavishes you with praise, acceptance, and understanding when you are “good” and “pushes” you away when you are “bad.”
7. Is apparently fixated on the use of titles like reverend, pastor, elder and cannot appear to relax in the company of “ordinary” mortals. The issue is not in the use of legitimate titles (or robes or religious garb) – it is that identity seems impossible without the titles or the trappings.
8. Leaves a trail of cut-off relationships. Usually in the trail are those who refuse to bow, to submit, to stand in awe of, to be thoroughly entranced by, the will of the pastor, the leader or the friend. Always regard with suspicion or caution leaders who are cut off or alienated from members of their family, especially their parents.
9. Lives from a “for me/or against me,” “black/white,” “all/or nothing” platform of “relationships.”
10. Genuinely sees God’s Call so zealously, so fervently that any signs of resistance are seen as the expressions of The Enemy or an enemy – thus, relationships are expedient (disposable) in the light of getting on with God’s work.

The perpetrators of abuse apparently fail to see that reconciliation, and forgiveness, “space,” and room to move, and room to respectfully disagree (boundaries, morality) are all part of the glorious work of the Gospel. Freedom begins with recognition. Recognition must result in action. Stand up to those who misuse their positions of leadership. Spiritual abuse serves the welfare or neither the perpetrator nor the victim – quite apart from the disservice it does to the church.

(This post is written in honor of “J” in Honolulu – I am sorry for all you had to endure.)

Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication | 13 Comments »

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January 27, 2009

Good Boundaries / Good Brakes

by Rod Smith

dsc_0642Many adults (myself, of course, included) struggle with maintaining good and healthy boundaries. It’s part of the human condition. Knowing where I “end” and where you “begin” is not always easy. Knowing what is my responsibility, and what is not my responsibility is often fuzzy and ambiguous. Knowing when and how to draw my “line in the sand” when it comes to loving others and parenting children is certainly not for the faint hearted. Good boundaries – are a life-long challenge.

Another challenge, which seems less frequently addressed, and integral to having good boundaries, is the matter of also having good brakes. It is important to know when to “apply the brakes,” when to slow down, and to know when to stop. Knowing when “enough is enough” would save a lot of heartbreak. Persons with fuzzy boundaries often seem to have no, or at least poor, brakes. They tend to go over-board, to buy too much, to give too much, talk too much, to pursue too much.

Here is the challenge: work as always, on your boundaries. Then, sharpen your awareness of when it is time to apply the brakes. Resist over-giving, over-loving, indulging, chasing, buying, showering with attention — when it comes to those whom you say you love. Sometimes enough really is enough.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries | Leave a Comment »

January 7, 2009

He left because I didn’t cook or clean…

by Rod Smith

“Everything was going well with a man I love. We had a child and were so happy. We were planning to move to another city because of the economy so I packed and went to live with my parents because he said we were going to save. After I left I tried phoning him but he did not want to talk. Finally he said he did not love me anymore. After two months I found there was another person. It was my friend’s sister who I had invited to my son’s birthday party. She was already living in the home I had left. I saw her picture in his wallet were my picture was once. I am hurting and I don’t know what is going to happen next. He tells me he left because I did not cook or clean much. I don’t know if he will ever come back because physically she is better than me. Do you have any comment?”

Order through link on the right

Order through link on the right

This is not about cooking or cleaning. You’ve loved a deceitful, irresponsible man who has moved on to his next victim. As tough as it is, I’d suggest you to take your future into your own hands and do what you can for you and your children.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, High maintenance relationships | 1 Comment »

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January 5, 2009

The women always make the decisions in the end…

by Rod Smith

“I have been in a four-year relationship with a married man. I still believe in his love but also believe he needs a push to do the right thing. I told him he has to own up to the affair and tell the wife himself, or I will tell her. I am not walking away with nothing after giving four years of my life. Then the wife can either have the choice of working things out with him or getting a divorce. It’s the women always make the decisions in the end.”

dsc_0642You might believe in “his love” (for you) but it is hard to believe you have any love for him. You clearly ignored any “push” to do the “right thing” and regard married men as “off limits.” While you are apparently vengeful and determined, you will most certainly find only temporary and limited personal peace.

I hope you will have some dramatic moment of insight, some divine encounter, an event of sorts that transforms you from within, and makes you ready to learn and ready love in ways that are helpful to you and to all persons in your sphere of influence.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication | 2 Comments »

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December 22, 2008

Heeds mother’s advice in a tough situation….

by Rod Smith

“As I write my girlfriend is on holiday with her two daughters and her ex-husband. She planned the trip to be with just the girls and when they went to pick up something from his house he was already packed and asked to leave with them. Not wanting to cause a fight in front of the girls, she said it was fine, and they left together. They are away now. She tells me she has no feelings for him and she wishes I were there instead. She wants to have a good relationship with the ex for the sake of the girls. I will pray to God and let Him guide me as He always has. If she is truthful, then everything is fine. In my gut, I know that boundaries take time to establish themselves. I have been trying to take my mom’s advice, “Get to know her, focus on yourself.” I feel at peace. We are neither married, nor engaged. We can change our minds at anytime. If I find that she has lied, or is untrustworthy in anyway, I will move on, having conducted myself in a kind, and unselfish way.”

I love your mother’s advice. Such thinking will save you a lot of pain and avert a lot of damaging anger.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships | Leave a Comment »

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