June 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
My wife and I have lots of fights because at parties and family occasions she flirts with all the men. And NEVER flirts with me. She says she is just being friendly. I cannot understand why she carries on doing something she knows I do not like. What should I do?
It sounds like your wife has a lot more fun at parties and family occasions than you do. I'd suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone. There are several reasons she "carries on doing something she knows" you do not like: she likes it; it is innocent; she understands it is not a good idea for you to control how she has fun.
Perhaps, if you took your focus off your wife and relaxed a little, she would want to flirt with you. Jealousy is not very attractive. The sooner you realize that your jealousy is your problem and that it has nothing at all to do with her behavior, the sooner you will be over it.
Two things: 1. He (or she) who has the feeling (in this case jealousy) has the problem. 2. Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Love, Manipulation |
102 Comments »
May 25, 2006
by Rod Smith
I am a single woman attracted to a married man. We work for the same company. I can see he is lonely and I want to be his friend. He makes eye contact with me but he is uncomfortable about talking to me. Should I meet him where I know he has lunch? (Question submitted online)
You are a relationship piranha. Find ways to address your own loneliness that are not at the expense of a man, his wife and children. The loneliness you perceive within this person is a projection of your very selfish motives. Even if he is lonely, his emotional well-being is absolutely none of your business. You are employed to do your job, not meet the emotional needs of strangers, and not wreck marriages.
Stay away from this man who is (thankfully) uncomfortable with your deceitful advances. Even if you did run into him for lunch, and even if you did alleviate his apparent loneliness, and even if you did start an on-going relationship with him, it would all be based on lies and deception. Since you have already established that you are a dishonest woman I question whether this would be important to you.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Family, Love, Spousal abuse |
27 Comments »
May 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
- He/she has excessive unaccounted for mileage on the car and chunks of time and money for which he/she will not account.
- He/she hides bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements.
- He/she uses lower or different tones on his/her phone when you are around.
- He/she is present in body alone because his/her head seems to prefer living or being elsewhere.
- You are checking the mileage on the car, clockwatching to know where your he/she is, and counting his/her money to know where every cent goes.
- You are rummaging through bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements in an effort to retrace his/her steps.
- You are trying to listen to every conversation he/she has with anyone.
- You are present in body alone because you spend your waking moments trying to get into his/her head to see what he/she is thinking, feeling, planning, and wishing.
- Details for business trips (who, when, why) are obscure or hard to pin down.
- Compliments feel like efforts to manipulate; apologies feel like warnings; looking in each other’s eyes feels very unsettling.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Voice |
1 Comment »
May 9, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Letter and Question:
“I am in a relationship with a married man since 1983. My family was totally against this. When the relationship started I was informed that my partner was going through a rough time and he had only married his wife because she was pregnant and he was responsible to take care of the children. As my relationship developed, when I questioned him about my future he advised that his children were still young and he grew up without a father and did not want the same to happen to his children. I have been waiting since then for him to make up his mind and make a decision but to date he has not. The relationship was ‘on and off’ as he was always insecure about me because of my openness with people and my previous relationships. He has not learnt to forgive me. He keeps telling me that he loves me and things are going to work out but all this time have past and I am now in my early forties and am getting lonely.”
Response:
You have been thoroughly duped by a very selfish man. He HAS made his decision and it is to use you for his own ends for as long as you will allow it.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Domination, Victims, Violence |
7 Comments »
April 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
“After fifteen years my marriage broke down. I fell ill and my husband’s only interest was I was not sleeping with him. At work I conversed with a male friend. We fell in love. He was also married but we stuck to each other no matter what. Eventually we got caught and it all came into the open. His wife divorced him. We moved in together then he walked out without a reason. After looking I found him back with his wife. We still see each other but when I ask him where are we going he tells me to take it one day at a time. He makes me feel I have a problem. I love him. I would end this relationship if he would be honest and tell he doesn’t want me and I must move on. I’m torn between this guy’s love, loneliness, and not knowing what best for me.” (Letter shortened)
Break this off and consider no relationship for a year or two and you might begin to think clearly. It is not up to this man but up to you. Your affair has offered you no long-term fulfillment. The abdication of responsibility had misled you into a complex web that has blinded you.
Posted in Affairs |
1 Comment »
March 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
Get out of the middle!
Are you a reactive person or a responsive person?
Reactive behavior is characterized by:
1. Rash, knee-jerk decisions; being anger-driven, living with a “short fuse.”
2. Getting other people rallying for a cause, stampeding to get your way.
3. Being highly subjective and self-protective.
4. Running in the other direction.
5. Being easily hurt, insulted, or damaged.
6. Being humorless or seeing humor as a waste of time.
7. Developing a conspiratorial tone with others.
8. Saying, “People are saying…… about you.”
9. Over-functioning (doing things beyond your responsibilities).
10. Under-functioning (avoiding your responsibilities).
11. Giving unsought advice and expecting it to be followed.
12. Doing things for others that they can do for themselves.
13. Remaining surprised and innocent after causing much disruption.
14. Being vindictive.
15. Trying to get people to take sides.
16. Being unable to see beyond survival, feeling threatened at every turn.
17. Feeling overly responsible for others.
18. Feeling no other person, except you, knows what is right or good.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Reactivity |
3 Comments »
March 19, 2006
by Rod Smith
I read your “Jack and Jill” column last week and was pleased to see that I am not alone. I found out that my husband of 14 years had been having an affair for months. He denied the affair and through pure digging he admitted it. When I bring the affair up he gets angry and tells me to get over it otherwise our marriage is never going to work. He says I have to control my emotions and I must believe him when he says it is over. He says I have to stop going through his personal slips, his cell phone bill and that he feels like he has no privacy. He has turned that situation around after begging me to please forgive him and promising to do anything to make our marriage work and believe in him again. (Letter edited)
It is not your lack of control but his that landed you both in this unfortunate place. It is his lies, not your discovery of them that eroded your capacity to trust. A regretful man would invite you to talk about it as much as you want and to “dig” anywhere you please. Don’t permit further abuse – it was not you who broke the marriage bond.
Posted in Affairs, Manipulation |
6 Comments »
March 13, 2006
by Rod Smith
“Jack” and “Jill” have been married for twelve years. “Coincidences” lead Jill to stumble on Jack’s affair. She is “mortified.” He confesses. He wants to “get on with my life and marriage.” Jack is angry because Jill can’t “get over” the affair. She wants to talk about it “all the time.” He cannot understand why she doesn’t trust him or want intimacy. He says she can’t forgive. (Theme from several letters)
Dear Jack: Thank God your wife talks with you at all. Be surprised if she is ever willingly intimate again. Your betrayal challenges the foundation of your lives. Forgiving you, and desiring you, have very little in common. Marriage without fidelity is not a marriage. You are lucky to still have one.
Dear Jill: Trusting Jack is up to you, it is not up to him! I’d suggest “guarded trust” for about two years. Request, if you are up to it, that Jack arrange for you to meet the “other woman” so that, in your presence, he can tell her he really wants his marriage and that he was at fault for deceiving and hurting you. Decide how long you need to refrain from physical intimacy. Challenge yourself not to let it linger indefinitely. Marriage without sexual intimacy is not a marriage – and he is lucky he still has one.
Posted in Affairs, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Victims |
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March 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
I am getting divorced after twenty years of marriage. While discussing financial matters, my soon-to-be ex-husband told me that in his “new life” he has found love that he has never before experienced with me. After all the feelings of betrayal and the on-going tension with the three children, when he said this it still hit me very hard. Was there nothing in 24 years he thought was real love? He has no clue about how hurtful it was to hear such a thing? Should I be angry or sad?
Be both! Each is appropriate. Knowing it is very difficult, I encourage you to shift your focus off him. Divorce is often a cruel form of warfare and he deployed a weapon to inflict unnecessary pain. His words have no benefit to anyone but to underscore that the man you once loved has resorted to unnecessary cruelty. Perhaps he is looking affirmation, some way of telling himself that he has done the right thing; that his move was worth it. Leaving children carries a great price. Somehow blaming you (for not really giving him “real” love) puts some of that payment at your feet. Don’t believe a word of it!
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Divorce, Family |
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February 22, 2006
by Rod Smith
My husband doesn’t know I am talking to a man on the Internet. We have never met face-to-face but he lives about 100K away and so it is not impossible for us to meet. He wants to phone me but I am hesitant to give him my cell phone number because my husband also uses my phone sometimes. This person “listens” and I can “talk” about anything. I want to meet him. He knows I am married. What should I do? (Letter radically condensed)
The Internet offers an illusion of intimacy. You are being suckered in, conned, and trapped. Do not fool yourself into believing he is “listening” or “loving” you. This anonymous no-good is aiding you to be sidetracked from your marriage and offers nothing worth having.
I?d suggest you cut off all contact with this prowler immediately without explanation. Perhaps he is in the distribution area of this newspaper and might read this column and get the message about your wise decision to move on from this stupidity. Loving, caring men do not operate in the manner you have described.
Focus on your marriage. It is the arena you already have in which to establish something authentic and enduring than will ever become of the deception and duplicity you have recently chosen.
Posted in Affairs |
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