December 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
My boyfriend is very jealous. I cannot make phone calls, read email or go out for lunch without him becoming enraged. He says this is natural and it will change after we are married.
He is wrong on both counts: it is not “natural.” It will not change when you marry. It will become worse. So, if you want your “wings” trimmed go ahead and marry him. At least you know what you are getting into and you can prepare for a life of conflict over your natural desire to know and relate to other people (including males). It is natural to want friends of both genders, to widen your interests and to sometimes want to explore the world with people other than your spouse. There are sufficient “red flags” that I’d suggest you run a mile from this guy until he grows up, gets some confidence about himself, sees that his jealousy will destroy the relationship he says he values. Do not change your behavior that he says is making him jealous. His jealousy has nothing to do with your behavior. He has the feeling – he has the problem. Do not try to solve his problem. You might as well try and “swing from a star.”
Added 4/11/09: There are many other later columns about jealousy on this website. Please do a search for them.
Reader, in the event you wish to talk, send me an Email and I will make time for you.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Communication, Triggers, Trust |
6 Comments »
November 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My father cut out your article about dating a divorced person. I have been divorced for a little over a year and have met a ‘soon-to-be-divorced’ man. To be honest I have to admit many of the points struck home. I already have a bump on my head from my first marriage. I don’t have any space on my forehead for new bumps!”
A fulfilling relationship must be based on integrity. He is a married man, legally bound to another woman. Your presence in his life, no matter the condition of his marriage, will hinder that family as they try to save their marriage or get it amicably dissolved.
I’d suggest you terminate your affair until he has his legal affairs in order and then had a year being single. While he is yet married, and willing to see you, neither of you is serving your long-term wellness, well.
Innocent love, in itself, will give you bumps on the forehead. Knowingly entering an illicit affair makes you a willing target.
After you’ve let Mr-Soon-To-Be-Divorced know exactly where he stands, take your caring father to lunch. There are few better ways to ease the wounds on an aching forehead than to have lunch with a caring dad.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Love |
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October 30, 2006
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
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The former marriage has been amicably settled, and at least a full year has passed after the divorce has been final.
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He/she takes appropriate responsibility for the breakdown of the former marriage.
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He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before he/she wants to become sexually involved with any one person.
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He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives, and is paying his/her share of child support.
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He/she places a very high priority on rearing his/her own children, while at the same time is respectful of your children and your relationship with your children.
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He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
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He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, and the opposite sex, despite the breakdown of a previous marriage.
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He/she is not threatened by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
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He/she has deep regard for the process involved in establishing relationships, and is willing to take time to allow intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Divorce, Re-marriage |
3 Comments »
October 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My wife is a very difficult person who wants everything her way or she punishes the family in harsh and secretive ways. She gives the impression that she is selfless and giving but in reality it is all about her. I am a very faithful man but I do understand why men have affairs. There is no warmth in our home (from her) so you can only imagine how cold our bedroom is! I stay for my children’s sake and also because I committed to be married “until death us do part.” I can honestly say I have tried to salvage this marriage and all I get back are the vibes of disapproval from an angry woman. She says she doesn’t want to be married but she also doesn’t want to get divorced. (Letter paraphrased)
I hope both of you consider what this marriage is teaching the children about love and life. Stand up to your wife and expose her passive-aggressive ways! You sound like one who is victimized and intimidated by his wife and his circumstances. I challenge you to want much more from your marriage than you are apparently getting. What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Children, Communication, Domination, Marriage, Spousal abuse, Victims |
23 Comments »
October 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “My 24 year-old daughter has been dating a 37 year-old man for the past two years. The age difference is not the concern, it is the fact the man is married and has two sons. The man and his wife moved to our area a few years ago to open a ‘swingers’ service. Through an unrelated business relationship they met my daughter and, over time, apparently convinced her she could make more money ‘dancing’ jist as his wife does. Theirs is a so-called ‘open’ relationship, and I feel my daughter is being controlled by this man and his wife. She thinks she loves him but I think he is ‘pimping’ her and his wife by having them ‘dance.’ When he is around, my daughter hardly says anything and when she does she looks to him for approval or permission. How do I get her to realize the situation she is in?”
Rod Responds: You might be powerless until your daughter sees the light. Any attempt to force her – while she is under his spell – will fall on deaf ears and only cause her to cut you off completely. Gentle questions like “how is this working for you?” and “are you as fulfilled as you can possibly be?” might get her thinking some sane thoughts.
Posted in Affairs |
2 Comments »
October 5, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: “I don’t believe my spouse had a sexual affair, but he definitely was too involved with a female coworker. I just found out that they have been talking on the phone for the past 16 months (January 05 to May 06) behind my back. They talked every morning and two and three times every night, and then on weekends. He says they are just friends and they talked about ‘work and general stuff.’ I know everyone he works with, and all his friends. I even know this woman, yet I never heard one conversation they had in those 16 months. He says I need to put it in perspective and move on. He has ended their communications and has apologized for his ‘transgression.’ So yes, I consider myself ‘cheated on.’ If she is such a friend, why isn’t this friendship shared with me and his family like every other friendship we’ve had?”
Rod Responds: Your reasoning is superb, and your question utterly valid. I hope your husband values the treasure he has in you, his wife. Any friendship consuming the time and energy you have described is most certainly not a healthy liaison. That it ever had to be secret is the largest and most glaring red flag.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Space, Spousal abuse, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
September 26, 2006
by Rod Smith
READER: I am 22 and have been chasing the same woman for about three of four months and she seems less interested in me now than when we first met. At first she was friendly but then when I wanted to ask her out she began to ignore me. Her parents are very traditional in their ways. I think she is scared to be associated with me for fear of what her parents will do because I am from a different language group and we have different customs. Can you offer me any advice? (Letter edited)
ROD’S RESPONSE: Customs, language and parents aside, if you pursue someone who has demonstrated no interest in you, and who is “moving away” from you, your efforts will merely serve to push them further away. If there is no natural attraction, friendliness, warmth, evident from her toward you, I’d suggest you widen your lenses, and look beyond this person in pursuit of a mutual, respectful relationship.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction |
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September 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
If one spouse forgives the other for cheating, why does it (always) get brought up in conversations long after the cheating has ended and after the forgiveness has been granted? (Question asked “online”)
Here are four, of many, reasons:
1. Sexual infidelity severely wounds people (all people involved) and relationships on many levels. Its power to shake life ought never be underestimated. Betrayal cuts a deep wound and often dislodges the capacity for future trust. (This is for the victims and the perpetrators!)
2. Because of the intense intimacy that can accompany the sex act, the betrayed spouse might go on a quest to know if the “stolen sex” led his or her partner into deeper levels of intimacy than were achieved within the marriage.
3. The forgiver will probably interpret silence (or anger, or even “over” focus) as an indication the affair did not really cease, or that it has been re-ignited.
4. Talking can connect people, and it can (but does not always) offer hurt people a sense of legitimate control and order. People who have been betrayed often want to talk about their experience (hurt, pain) as an attempt to stop their lives from (the feeling of) running totally out of control.
Men and women who have participated in infidelity, and who yet have a forgiving spouse who is willing to work on the marriage, are encouraged to talk openly about anything the forgiving spouse may want talk about. There are some necessary limits to this which I will go into in another posting.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Communication, Divorce, Forgiveness, Listening, Marriage, Voice |
9 Comments »
September 18, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader: My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. At first I was the one who messed around with my ex-girlfriend. I was young and couldn’t let go. However, she stood strong and gave me another chance. Since that day something inside me changed. It was almost as she re-instilled my morals. I go out and go home to her. No cheating in any way. No flirting. She’s the only woman I want to be. For reasons to do with her education she’s moved away and I only see her every second weekend. We hardly talk because she is either busy or with friends who are mostly guys I have never met. I have had an uneasy feeling for a few weeks. What do you think? (Edited for space)
ROD’S REPLY: I trust your change, with or without her, is enduring. If this relationship is to last, you are going to have to learn to trust your girlfriend and resist allowing the distance to so unsettle you. Uneasiness within you will make your occasional conversations and visits feel controlling (for her). Talking with you will feel like a burden, and burdening her with your uneasiness, while she is enjoying herself, will only create a larger distance between you, and she might decide a long-distance “heavy” relationship is not worth the effort.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Attraction, Long distance relationships |
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September 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader: “My boyfriend says that I don’t trust him. When I am not around he gives his cell-phone number to women without telling me that he has made a new friend. I find this out when I see messages on his phone. It upsets me when he can’t talk to me but can do so with a stranger and flirt with them. We are about to start our own home and family. I think he is afraid to commit to me. When he was an infant his parents gave him to relatives to raise and they kept their other two kids. He did not find out about this until he was older. He has resentment towards his mother. Maybe he feels that if his own parents can give him up, that I may do the same to him? I love him, so very much and I want to help him. Please help.” (Letter edited)
Rod: Analyzing his adolescent behavior will send you on a never-ending wild-goose chase that will have you justifying your pain, and excusing his irresponsibility, for many years. Don’t do it. Take a break. Give yourself time to see the gravity of what you want to enter, with a man, who is yet behaving as a young boy.
Posted in Affairs, Family |
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