How to know you’re growing: Old hurts, painful memories, become less powerful in their capacity to shape your life. Some members of your family say you are meddling, others call you selfish, when all you want is to occupy the driver’s seat of your life. As you have assumed appropriate responsibility for yourself you’ve experienced deeper connection with others but now it’s by choice, not obligation or guilt. You have new insights into what you can and cannot control, can and cannot change. To your surprise you have stopped thinking, feeling, speaking on behalf of other adults, all of whom do not need your help to accomplish these fundamental adult human callings. You resist the urge to tell others what they need, should or must do, think or believe. You are learning to stop asking questions of others, even of God, that you have not diligently first tried to answer. The difference between “I” and “we” and the appropriate use of each is getting clearer and clearer. You are undergoing a renaissance and you are almost fearful at the prospect of discovering the truth of what it means to be wonderfully made. Insights into who you are created to be fill you with feelings of wonder and humility.

I can tell from my mail that it’s time to go back to fundamentals

• Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship. It’s one or the other. Choose.
• Forgiveness is not for the other, the offender, the one who has done the hurting. It is for the one who is forgiving. Resentment and bitterness hurt the person offering them hospitality.
• All behavior has meaning. Hurt people hurt people. There are reasons people are unkind. This does not mean you have to put up with it. It does mean that you can have some understanding and appreciate that the person who goes about hurting others is probably in greater pain than he or she is able to inflict.
• Listening to others, hearing their stories, is usually a good idea. This is especially so if you regard others as having something valuable to teach you.
• Important or necessary conversations between (and among) people only “take” or “work” if all parties are ready for the conversation. People are really good at looking like they are listening, even agreeing. Don’t be fooled into thinking you are being heard. Physical presence is no assurance that someone is listening.
• If a relationship is void of respect, equality and mutuality, it is not worth pursuing. Not now, not ever.

“With him, life was routine: without him life was unbearable,” says preteen Jean Louise Finch or “Scout” in Harper Lee’s novel “To kill a Mockingbird.” Scout is describing her crush on Dill, a boy around her own age. Dill visits for summers and over several summers they form a beautiful, unusual friendship that is severely tested by unfolding events involving the Finch family.

I love Scout’s simple description of love and friendship. I share my life with several people with whom life is routine. There’s no performance required. There’s no list of unmet expectations. There’s no need to be on duty, to walk on proverbial egg-shells.

With such people I can just go about my business with them by my side, or not. Day-to-day routines gather meaning, gather greater meaning, because they are done for and often with someone who appreciates them no matter how routine the acts may be. “Friend,” I believe, is the greatest title we can offer another and the greatest role we can occupy for another. When we’re somebody’s friend we’re offering the highest privilege we can offer with our lives. May your life be filled with people with whom life is “routine.”

Monday was Memorial Day, a USA public holiday to recognize men and women who have lost their lives in any of many wars. There are small-town patriotic parades and, in our part of the world, it’s when the Indianapolis 500 is held.

Memorial weekend is a family weekend marking the onset of summer. Public swimming pools open for the first time in at least 6 months and there’s a general air of relaxed, patriotic celebration.

My sons and I did not have a good Memorial Day.  

To get the family together Nate (19) and I drove the hour into Indianapolis to take my other son (23) out for lunch.

I was already in a poor mood and when “the boys” began to somewhat playfully harass each other I lashed out.

Things rapidly deteriorated. Nate buried himself in his phone and shut us out. The older son went into rescue mode, trying hard to drag his family into a good time.

I immediately felt full of parent failure, and, after a period of retreating, went into verbal attack mode.

Things settled quickly once Nate and I got home. The older son has called several times.

He’s back to his old self,

I do wish I had handled myself better on Monday at lunch.

How was your weekend?

When is a relationship not a relationship?

When it feels like a game of chess and you have to constantly think ahead to outsmart your opponent or be outsmarted.

When it’s conditional and the conditions include a list of who you may or may not phone, text, or meet.

When what you choose to wear becomes a source of friction.

When it involves dominance or control and your natural resistance to it results in conflict and your commitment and love is questioned.

When your whereabouts and activities are monitored and you are expected to account for the use of your time, money, and mileage.

When you have to lie about visiting your family or friends or have to deny your desire to spend time with others on the “outside” of the “relationship.”

When he or she just happens to show up – and your degree of joy and surprise is evaluated, but what is actually happening is your ability to be trusted is being assessed. 

When you have to anticipate your partner’s needs, read his or her mind, anticipate his or her moods, and respond in a manner that makes him or her happy or feel loved. 

When no matter how much you try to love, forgive, have fun, be serious, be carefree, be intimate, be unconditional in your love – it is NEVER enough.

You will hear “money can’t buy happiness” and other tired clichés. It’s usually from people who have neither money nor happiness. I am not suggesting money makes people happy but it is a lot nicer to be rich if you are set on being unhappy. Money won’t make an unhappy person happy, but poverty sure doesn’t help anyone feel better.

Happy people are happy, rich or poor. There’s not enough money on Earth to make unhappy people happy. Happiness is not about the money.

Become an expert in how money works. If you are good with money you could put into motion something so powerful that people generations from now could benefit.

Look around your city and see how many buildings are named after people. These people were (usually) good with money. 

Or, you could be ruled by money, spend the rest of your life paying off credit cards and make people you will never know even richer.

They will go on lavish vacations on the interest you are paying and buy holiday homes at your expense. Happy about that?

My son/daughter is probably as willful as I ever was and am. Like I was and am he/she is fully capable of greatness and disaster. The sooner he/she sees this the better.

My son/daughter is an autonomous being over whom I have very little, if any, control. The more I try, the less likely my efforts will prove effective.

My son/daughter is as prone to human mistakes, pitfalls, dangers as the next person. No one is immune to things that pull humans down.

My son’s/daughter’s success (and mine) will almost entirely pivot on the acceptance of personal responsibility. The sooner he/she (and I) accepts this the better. While there is blame, finger pointing, victim living, victim thinking, no matter how legitimate, there will be no helpful, lasting growth.

As much as self-help books usually tout, not everything is about parenting. Some things infiltrate and hurt the best of families and the wisest of parents. There are people who have been very poorly parented, or hardly parented at all, who have changed the world for good.

There are three beautifully intertwined gifts we can give each other. Authenticity is crucial. No one can export what he or she does not have although people try it all the time. It falls flat because it is fake. We prepare these gifts first for ourselves, then for those we love, but, once they are growing within, everyone benefits.

The powerful trio of assets are Backbone, Voice, and Imagination (capitals intended). 

Your Imagination (seeing, casting vision, planning) is crucial to all relationships. You may have noticed everything begins with an idea, a “let’s,” a “what if we?”, a “why don’t we?” Nurture your wild, kind imagination. The world needs it.

Voice your thoughts, aspirations, desires. Say clearly what it is you want your life to say. This will give you added definition, a very attractive quality to other well-defined people and an antidote to those with dark and hidden agendas. Find, use your Voice. The world needs it.

Couple Voice and Imagination with Backbone (courage, determination, grit) and you have a formidable and winning combination and you will be able to take on the world offering kindness and grace and the world will (usually) return the favor.

Filleting is for fish not people

A backbone is one of those “use it or lose it” things. Find it, use it, love it. Some people have been filleted. This can be done swiftly, or painstakingly slowly by life, “love,” family, or even church. If you were filleted a time ago it may be hard for you to locate your backbone. But, complete filleting is possible with fish, not humans. It’s in there. You just have to want to find it and resurrect it.

You have to acknowledge its necessity and see its purpose, its role in propelling you to face yourself then the world. Then, practice.

You have to show up, stand up, and speak up, even if it is in small ways. Start with non threatening situations, where you have formerly been a pushover. Once you begin to trust your backbone you will like it and begin to use it in important situations like your intimate relationships, work, with your parents, children, or even, if you are a pastor, with your congregation.