Author Archive

March 7, 2006

Wife is short with the children….

by Rod Smith

Q: My wife gets very rigid when she is upset if things are not going smoothly in her life. She becomes quite authoritarian and unreasonable with our children who notice it, and often point it out to me in a humorous way. I want to protect my children without interfering with my wife’s mothering. (Letter radically reduced)

A: Your family, your wife included, seems healthy. Of course your wife behaves differently when she is upset! Mild “retaliation” to the “nearest and dearest” is a most natural reaction to stress. That your children take the brunt of your wife’s moods is sad, but their use of humor suggests they are more resilient than you might think.It is wonderful that your children talk with you about anything they feel or observe. I’d suggest you encourage them to talk directly with their mother regarding what they experience with her.

If your children are subject to your wife’s moods, I will assume you, as a husband, have a similar experience. Address everything with your wife that pertains to you as husband and wife. Similarly, encourage your children to speak up for themselves directly to their mother.

March 6, 2006

Finding your unique voice in ALL your relationships

by Rod Smith

Every person has a voice that is designed, urging, even aching, for complete use and full expression. Some people have allowed their voices to be stolen, silenced or modified and such people might find it necessary to take time to find or re-establish the voice they have chosen to deny or ignore. There is nothing “spiritual” or humble about giving up your voice — not even God demands your silence!

Thankfully, suppressing a voice seldom kills it. It can usually be found even after years of denial and even cruelty. This is as true for individuals as it is of entire populations.

Having a voice means exerting your right to see, evaluate, and express who you are, and what you stand for, without apology. It means speaking up. It means telling the world who you are, and what you want. It involves telling the world who you are not and what you will and will not accept of tolerate. It is allowing your life to speak appropriately and boldly, without explanation or excuse.

When you find your voice you will not allow people to speak for you, decide for you, and prescribe how you feel, think or see the world. Of course, you in turn will not take the voice of another away from them.

It is not very loving to give up your voice, or to allow someone else to take yours away from you. People can hardly handle the power of their own voice let alone handle the voice of two or three other people.

Any person who will not hear what you have to say, or who tries to silence you, does not love you even if he says he does. It is never a loving act, except in very unusual circumstances, to stop someone from expressing who they are. Likewise, it is never a loving act to withhold your contribution to the world by maintaining your silence.

You were not created to be silent and nor were you created to silence others. The world will benefit for hearing who you are and what you have to say. Part of owning a voice and using it well involves the process of discovering how best to package and express your voice in a manner that facilitates others to hear who and what you are and what you have to say.

Please, compromise yourself, your talents and skills for no one. Be silenced or made “smaller,” rendered without a voice for no one. It is never worth it. There is no cause, no relationship, worthy of your silence.

There is no person of any rank, no spouse, boss or spiritual leader deserving of your downplaying who and what you are. It is those with dark motives, who seek for you to be less, minimized, diminished or silenced. Walk away from such small-mindedness even if it is costly to do so.

Loving, good people will celebrate your strength, encourage your freedom and admire your talent. Stick with such people. Stay with those who enlarge your world, not restrict or contain it. Live fully, love fully and speak fully – while embracing all the freedom life offers you.

I am weary of men and women, irrespective of who or what they are, who hold others captive, especially in the name of love; of spiritual “leaders” who are afraid of gifted people; of bosses who silence talented people lest their own inadequacies be revealed.

If you live above, and beyond, the damaging jealousies that surround you, you will stimulate the dreams of everyone in your circle of influence and make your own dreams come true before your very eyes – and the world will hear your voice.

March 6, 2006

How to have good conflict with somene you love

by Rod Smith

“Stop. Look. Listen,” is a well-known maxim used to teach children to safely cross the street. It’s also helpful when employed by loving adults who are in conflict with each other. Flying off the handle, jumping to conclusions, and speaking before listening can result in unnecessarily hurtful exchanges.

Both persons would benefit from agreeing to:

Stop: Remind yourself that your conflict is with a person with whom you have significant history. While stopping is not easy, when you feel attacked or betrayed, slowing yourself down will reduce the damage that can result when words are hastily exchanged.

Look: Look at the person with whom you are in conflict. Look into his or her eyes deeply enough until you can see into their heart. It is unlikely the person before you is purposefully trying to hurt you.

Listen: After you have stopped and looked, listen to the issue at hand. Listen to what is being said, to what is not being said. Listen without interrupting, whether you agree or not.

In stopping, looking and listening you might learn about your blind spots, your potential for denial and the perspective of others — and you might find some resolution without causing unnecessary pain and hurt.

March 1, 2006

Don’t confuse sex and intimacy: sometimes the two never meet!

by Rod Smith

Finding Intimate Relationships

Different people can give words very different meanings. For some, intimacy means physical sex. Intimacy is about much more than sex. It is about much more than what people can do with their bodies.

Here are some points about intimacy for consideration:

1. It is the ability to see another’s worlds as his or her world really is without bringing pressure to change what is seen in that world. It is the ability to accept another person’s reality even if it is not what we want it to be.

2. It is the recognition that physical sex is not automatically intimate. People who are very “far apart” can join their bodies for sex. Physical sexual activity can feel close without being at all intimate. Sex can be very misleading and is often a way to avoid intimacy and love.

3. Intimacy is sharing life and keeping what is shared within the framework of that relationship. It is possible, and not “dangerous,” as I have heard promulgated in some quarters, to have many intimate relationships (nothing to do with sex) at varying levels with different people.

4. In an ideal world, intimacy is first intellectual, then spiritual, then emotional and, when appropriate, sexual. It is easier to perform an impersonal sex act than it is to have an intimate relationship that is also sexually intimate. It is unlikely that a relationship that begins with sexual activity will be able to grow into a truly intimate relationship, sexual or otherwise. (Unlikely: not impossible.)

5. The person, with whom we are sexually intimate, will share with us the deepest intimacies of all. The relationship will penetrate deeper into all facets of our lives than all the other relationships we have. (This might help people understand why breaking up is hard to do).

6. It is so very seldom understood and appreciated that intimacy is an individual pursuit and is not dependent on the cooperation of another. One person can be very intimate with another when that other person might be choosing not to be intimate at all.

7. Casual sex, by definition, cannot be intimate. Casual sex is an act of the avoidance of intimacy.

Copyright 1998, Rod Smith, MSMFT

February 28, 2006

Shaping a child’s future

by Rod Smith

Let your child see he is capable of much good by encouraging him to be generous and kind toward others. If you, the adult, in your own life, place high value on generosity, the child growing up around you will form deep and lasting memories of your generosity and he will be empowered to seek a lifetime of giving.

Let your child see you give. Let him see you assisting in relieving the suffering of the poor, let him see you standing for justice and doing what is right.

Allow your child to see, as early as is possible, that his actions have consequences so that the world will not take him by surprise when it expects much of him. Let him see his moods can affect others, that his attitudes can be his best friends or his ardent enemies. Do this so that he will not be surprised when people expect him to take full responsibility for his life.

You, the parent, are the most powerful means of showing your child how adults behave, how the world works, how to be an effective and loving human being.

You, the parent, can do this from the earliest of days, and all without using guilt or blame.

February 28, 2006

My son heard the dreaded words, “I need space.”

by Rod Smith

“‘I need my space,’ (The Mercury. Friday February 24, 2006) were the few words said to my son upon returning overseas and on the day he was to propose to his girlfriend. He was home for Christmas and for three weeks she called him every day. Now he has been thrown into a state of collapse. Your article was so real for me, and, being a mom so far away I am writing to you to know what advice I should be give. I have gone from being sympathetic to having a hard line attitude. At the same time I don’t want to close our line of communication. He has given her a second chance, which lasted two weeks. He is slightly better but from being a positive bubbly chap to being a heartbroken negative person whom I don’t know.”

I’d suggest you leave it completely up to him. If your son had the courage and strength to find love (or what he thought to be love) in a far off place he probably has what it takes to survive this break up.

Engagements, or plans to marry, are easier to break than a marriage. It is better this couple gets the “space” it needs before a marriage than after it. It is a lot cheaper!

February 27, 2006

Peacekeeping / Peacemaking — there is a difference

by Rod Smith

Call me... 317 694 8669 (USA)

Call me... 317 694 8669 (USA)

There is a big difference between keeping peace (peacekeeping) and making peace (peacemaking). In a troubled emotional environment peacekeeping takes a lot of work, saps energy, and is usually a never-ending task.

Peacemaking lays groundwork for authentic peace to rule.

Peacekeepers work hard to keep the tensions from rising. They work hard at pretending that nothing is wrong and nothing is bothering them.

Jesus was a peacemaker (the cross is one evidence that he did not avoid conflict) and he calls his followers to be peacemakers. (See The Beatitudes, Matthew 5). Peacemakers allow tensions to surface, even encourage tensions to be aired. They might even precipitate conflict.

Peacekeepers avoid conflict at any cost. Their reward is the semblance of peace and tranquility and the slow demise of their integrity.

Peacemakers invite necessary conflict because they know there is no other pathway to increasing of understanding between warring people and groups.

Peacekeepers can endure fake peace for decades while the tensions erode at their well being and it often leads to feelings of being “called” or anointed. Peacekeepers often have high levels of martyrdom. How else would they rationalize the stress that accompanies the effort of trying to hide the proverbial elephant in the room? Peacekeepers are often portrayed a deeply spiritual because they can endure so much without “saying anything.” They often see their suffering, not as an expression of being misguided or of stupidity, but as a product of faithfulness to being “Christian.”

d-is-for-differentiation1Peacemakers value authentic peace more than its distorted parody. The peace that exists between people with the courage to endure conflict, for the sake of lasting peace, is like gold when compared with its counterfeit cousin.

In your family, at your work place, at your place of worship, move toward lasting peace with courage. Assume your legitimate role as a peacemaker rather than avoid conflict in order to keep a semblance of peace that is not worth having.

Call Rod now…..

February 27, 2006

Should I let the school or the parents know?

by Rod Smith

My son (8) came home from school very upset about children who had turned him away from a game they were playing on the school field. He tried to join in and as far as I can tell, the older boys (10 year olds) who happen to live near (our family) sent him away. Should I make the school or their families aware of this and what do you think I should tell my son?

You will be a very busy mother if you involve yourself in everyday childhood skirmishes. Besides, what would you tell the school about the nature of children that the school doesn’t already know? Unfortunately, your son is experiencing every-day life for people of all ages.

The boy, after you have offered him appropriate comfort, has the potential under your guidance, to begin to learn valuable lessons on how life, society, and friendships work.

Rather than blame the school (or the older children) for anything, consider inviting your son to think about how he will behave when the circumstances provide him an opportunity to choose to be hospitable to others even if they are younger (older, fatter, thinner, stronger, weaker) than he is. Teach, comfort and challenge your son, rather than contact the parents of the other children or the school.

February 26, 2006

Questions to stimulate healthy thinking…

by Rod Smith

Questions are frequently more important than answers. Here are some questions to consider at the beginning of the week in the hope that they will inspire you to make courageous choices toward living fuller, more meaningful lives than you are already living:

What do you really want?
Are your daily activities and relationships aligned with what you really want?
Are you free (within the inherent “restrictions” of all your choices)?
Are you free within the choices others have made on your behalf?
Are your relationships as healthy as possible?
Are you experiencing the significance (impact, influence, community) that is particularly yours?
Are you regularly using all your skills?
Are you living the kind of life that is regularly exploiting all your talents and potential?
What are the desires of your heart?
Would you recognize the desires of your heart if they were given to you?
What specific steps are you taking to move nearer to your long-held dreams and goals?

February 23, 2006

The gift that made my month – a painting of my yongest son and me

by Rod Smith

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