May 16, 2006
by Rod Smith
Loving my children will be a, and not the, central priority of my life. Parenting, and loving my children will not consume me. I will not allow it to.
If loving my children has an all-consuming effect upon me, the parent, it will certainly also consume my children!
Undiluted, laser-like love, and focused attention, directed at any child will bother him, will unsettle him, more than empower him. Rather than helping him feel loved and secure he will feel unduly responsible for my emotional well-being, and that will feel like a mountain too high to climb.
Children deserve freedom from the intense, even loving gaze, of a parent.
Oh, of course, children want their parent’s undistracted focus, and of course they want the parent’s loving interest, but when a parent has too much love, and too much interest in their children (to the exclusion of other interests) then this becomes a burden for the children.
Children want our love, not the sacrifice of our lives on their behalf. Children do not need parents to be martyrs. Children want parents to be parents.
Posted in Children, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Victims |
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May 16, 2006
by Rod Smith
REQUEST FOR ADVICE: I am divorced. My son (15) and I live with my partner who is a wonderful man. Every second weekend our home is miserable because his son (9) comes to stay. I find my partner’s son very manipulative. My partner cannot see anything wrong and I am told I continuously pick on his son. I have rules in my home with which my son must abide and when his son comes to visit the same rules apply. Because I am blamed constantly and told that I don’t like his son, it is becoming a reality. I would greatly appreciate some advice. (Letter edited)
ROD’S REPLY: If your partner is so wonderful marry him. This will give you a legal platform for a relationship with his child and then you can legitimately refer to his house – your letter suggests you are living with him – as your home.
In the meantime I’d suggest you (and your son) find alternative accommodation every second weekend while you research what it is about you that a nine-year-old child can wield has so much power over you.
Adult behavior is very important in setting the framework for a child’s behavior. Neither adult is presently offering this boy a stable, trustworthy context and of course he is going to learn to manipulate!
Posted in Children, Family, Manipulation, Re-marriage, Step parenting |
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May 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
- He/she has excessive unaccounted for mileage on the car and chunks of time and money for which he/she will not account.
- He/she hides bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements.
- He/she uses lower or different tones on his/her phone when you are around.
- He/she is present in body alone because his/her head seems to prefer living or being elsewhere.
- You are checking the mileage on the car, clockwatching to know where your he/she is, and counting his/her money to know where every cent goes.
- You are rummaging through bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements in an effort to retrace his/her steps.
- You are trying to listen to every conversation he/she has with anyone.
- You are present in body alone because you spend your waking moments trying to get into his/her head to see what he/she is thinking, feeling, planning, and wishing.
- Details for business trips (who, when, why) are obscure or hard to pin down.
- Compliments feel like efforts to manipulate; apologies feel like warnings; looking in each other’s eyes feels very unsettling.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Voice |
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May 14, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Letter: “I am divorced but live with a wonderful man and have a very stable and loving home environment for my son (13). My ex-husband and his new wife have boys aged 17 and 13. All three boys get on very well. My son arrived home from the weekend with his dad and showed me a black bruise on his arm. When I asked him how he got the bruise I was told that his dad had made a new rule: if the boys don’t brush their teeth by 9.30am, don’t pick up clothes, or use bad language, the boys are allowed to punch each other as punishment. So my son was punched in the arm by the seventeen-year-old for not brushing his teeth. I contacted my ex-husband about this and he told me to keep my nose out of his affairs how he runs his home. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.”
Everything pertaining to your son is always your business – keep your nose in it. Meet with your son’s stepmother, who will surely share your concern, and request this barbaric approach to cleaner teeth, rooms and mouths, stops! Such behavior among three boys can do none any possible good. But be wise; the children do get along. Be unrelenting in seeking your son’s absolute safety. “Running his home” is about who vacuums the house, who takes out the trash – abusing your son does not quite fit into that category!
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Children, Divorce, Family, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother |
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May 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
“Hello,” a smile, and “thank you” would make my shopping (banking, dining) experience very rewarding. I know I’ll find myself recommending you to others because good, friendly service gets etched into my brain (which, by the way, is hotwired to the hand that holds my wallet) and I do tend to want to share good news.
Positive experiences get my loyalty juices flowing and I’ll find myself returning because you’re polite and you try hard on my behalf. I know I’ll return if you seem to understand that I want your full, focused attention.
It is when you are surly, abrupt, and I feel unwelcome, that I find myself looking elsewhere for the services and products you provide. Little things like ignoring me, avoiding eye contact, talking to co-workers, answering a phone while you are tending to me, are powerful enough to drive me away – forever.
Oh, I know I am not perfect! I can be rude, demanding, even unkind – but I am the customer. I’m lured before you by very expensive advertising campaigns, but friendliness, honesty, efficiency and a friendly “hello” are all it might take to turn me into a very loyal customer. Try it. I know we’ll both like it.
Posted in Uncategorized |
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May 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I do not want to hurt my ‘partner’ to get what I would like so I have given him – we have been in an affair since 1985 — an ultimatum. I am moving on with my life. I really want to move on but I am deeply in love with him. He always told me that he was not having an intimate relationship with his wife but I could never believe that and never will. All I am seeking is a closure on this fairy tale story. He is an excellent gentleman and I do not like to hurt him. I am getting hurt all the time. He is finding it difficult to accept my decision and he can’t come up with a decision.” (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: This is no fairy tale. It is a nightmare! You will not live with this man without being married to him – but you will see him behind his wife’s back? What nonsense. He is NOT an EXCELLENT man.
Excellent men do not treat their wives (or women) this way. You need professional help to rid yourself of all these ridiculous double standards and the deep-seated deceit in which you have engaged for so very long.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, High maintenance relationships |
11 Comments »
May 9, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Letter and Question:
“I am in a relationship with a married man since 1983. My family was totally against this. When the relationship started I was informed that my partner was going through a rough time and he had only married his wife because she was pregnant and he was responsible to take care of the children. As my relationship developed, when I questioned him about my future he advised that his children were still young and he grew up without a father and did not want the same to happen to his children. I have been waiting since then for him to make up his mind and make a decision but to date he has not. The relationship was ‘on and off’ as he was always insecure about me because of my openness with people and my previous relationships. He has not learnt to forgive me. He keeps telling me that he loves me and things are going to work out but all this time have past and I am now in my early forties and am getting lonely.”
Response:
You have been thoroughly duped by a very selfish man. He HAS made his decision and it is to use you for his own ends for as long as you will allow it.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Domination, Victims, Violence |
7 Comments »
May 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: My husband does not like my parents very much but puts up with them when they visit us about once every two weeks. He is civil to them and will even chat with both my parents about all sorts of things – all when it suits him. I want more – I want them to really bond like I have bonded with his parents. I think this will be good for our children to see a warm loving relationship between their father and all their grandparents. What can I do?
A: Stay out of this! Don’t interfere in relationships that do not include you. Your husband’s relationships with your parents might impact you, but they don’t include you. Leave your husband and your parents to “bond’ in any way they feel comfortable (or uncomfortable).
Your anxiety about the affairs of others is likely to be more damaging to your family than your husband’s cordial relationship with your parents.
Want for yourself and for matters that directly involve you. Wanting for others will make you feel superior, and make you feel important, but it is a waste of your energy. Don’t waste your wanting!
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Family, In-laws |
33 Comments »
May 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
You might become more seductive, pretend you are wealthier or more educated than you are, change you hair, nose, breasts, accent, interests and lose weight – but none of it will work in helpful ways. Trying to be something you are not, is most unattractive, and nothing you re-create of yourself will be real, convincing, enduring, or – ironically – attractive.
The energy you spend will exhaust you and distort the natural beauty afforded all people. Who you are cannot be successfully hidden for long and hiding behind some fabrication is deceitful and unkind.
If it were possible to do something to make a person become attracted to you, your efforts would have to be more than doubled to maintain that person’s interests.
If you want to increase the possibility of being noticed by healthy people (the unhealthy, who are worth avoiding, are willingly fooled by pretense) master appropriate social skills, personal hygiene; dress well, work hard, be honest, read widely; avoid gossiping and gossips; pursue your faith, loves, skills and interests. Apart from these things, do nothing. Remember: if you think of yourself as bait you might just get eaten!
Posted in Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Long distance relationships, Sex matters, Space, Victims, Voice |
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May 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
When you first meet someone and decide to have a first date don’t:
1. Get too close too quickly.
2. Get physical.
3. Give or lend money.
4. Tell everything.
5. Allow the person to move in with you.
6. Let them use your credit cards.
7. Let them use your car.
8. Let them sign or use your name on anything.
9. Let them use your address.
10. Let them baby-sit your children.
11. Modify your values or your morals to impress him/her.
12. Go against the advice of people who have loved you for a long time.
There is no love at first sight! Exercise cautious wisdom in all new relationships. While thinking readers might find this list absurdly unnecessary, I have had bright, thinking clients who have done one (or a few) of these things on a first date. Their errors have been very costly to some clients.
Posted in Love, Manipulation, Sex matters, Sexual abuse |
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