January 13, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I am so thankful for your articles on spiritual abuse and finding a voice. I married at a vulnerable moment of my life and saw abusive signs prior to saying ‘I do.’ I ignored them because I wanted a Godly man. I thought nothing that his family was extremely distant from him. I even tried for the sake of peace and obedience to go against my moral convictions and perform my devout allegiance and loyalty to every word he commanded. He would say…’God said!’ I had n voice over my own thoughts or contributions to our marriage. I’m the third wife of a seemingly godly person. People think I am the cause of our troubles. I have moved out, but am still married. I am unfortunately preparing for divorce – because he shows no signs of accountability or turning away from the behavior. I have gone to counseling, but there is so much damage already done. I wish churches would teach women it is okay to have a voice and to stand up to abusive husbands.” (Edited)
Thank you for your encouraging letter. I trust you will find wholeness. Once you are recovered you will have a platform to reach women in tough circumstances. Address your legitimate anger soon. Nothing eats at life like unresolved anger.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
January 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
Second marriages are not “fresh beginnings” as many couples would like to believe. A failed first marriage, no matter what the reasons for its disintegration, will cast some shadows over the second marriage.
Wise couples acknowledge this, accommodate the learning and talk about it – and thus diminish its power.
Naïve couples blissfully ignore the past until it blindsides them a little while after the honeymoon – if they are lucky enough for it to wait that long.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
January 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
This is a challenge to all of us
I am flummoxed by the number of high-powered men and women who can lead multi-national corporations (or schools, hospitals, government agencies, or churches) and yet who cannot seem to apply the wisdom and skill that has made them successful to their personal lives.
While loving a family and running a business are dissimilar in many ways, you’d think a man who has to regularly face conflict, negotiate with employees, and address unhappy customers may be able to address issues with his immediate family without becoming totally unglued!
I have regularly challenged men and women to consider using their business skills at home, to treat a wife or a daughter like a valued customer, to go above and beyond for a son in the manner that he or she might do for a valued employee.
And, of course, I have to rise to the challenge myself.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
January 11, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend has a 6-year-old daughter who is a wonderful little girl. She likes me and we get along well. However, my boyfriend has a horrible relationship with his daughter’s mother and I’ve witnessed horrible battles while he was on the phone with her. He says he never gives her any money and instead, buys his daughter things she needs because he felt the money wasn’t going to the child. His daughter lives with her mother and older siblings in a ‘bad neighborhood’ and my boyfriend has mentioned gaining custody of his daughter. I don’t want to seem like a terrible person but I’m not ready to be mommy to a 6-year-old. I’m pregnant with my first baby, which would be his second. I’m just not ready for her to move in. We’re considering marriage in the next two years. Any suggestions?”
Your power over your domestic circumstances is restricted by pre-existing relationships in the life of the man whom you are marrying. He is a dad. That he has a daughter, and that he will want to do what it best for his daughter will probably be non-negotiable. This will not be an easy journey for you or your unborn child given the acrimony already in the system.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
January 10, 2011
by Rod Smith
Pietermaritzburg Educational Psychologist, David Weekes, contacted me. At my request he modified yesterday’s column: Thanks, David:
The parent who ENABLES …
1. Overprotects, makes excuses for or covers up his/her child’s misbehaviour and, thereby, undermines the authority of the other parent and teachers.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded by responsibility for his/her child (ensuring rules are followed, doing things for the child he/she is capable of doing for him/herself).
3. Feels like he/she is living more than one life as if the child’s choices and actions are entirely the parent’s responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – worries needlessly about how his/her child will turn out, perform in school, cope with bullies.
5. Seems unable to distinguish between “self” and “parent” and, in seeking to be a “good” parent, reinforcing an unhealthy co-dependence.
The parent who EMPOWERS …
1. Learns to stop overprotecting (“I will not lie for you and write an excuse note when you are not ill.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible for his/her child’s wellbeing and assuming responsibility when it is the child who is accountable.
3. Learns to allow many choices (within limits) made by his/her child to run their course so the child can learn from the consequences of his/her actions.
4. Learns to distinguish between useful anxiety and what is and is not a legitimate cause for worry.
5. Works at promoting a healthy, necessary separation to foster a sense of independence in that child.
David can be contacted at davidsw@telkomsa.net
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
1 Comment »
January 8, 2011
by Rod Smith
Dear Mr Smith,
What a wonderful moment and validation for me to receive your phone call on Christmas day. Thank you so much.
Today’s column on being “in love” and the “idea” thereof was most helpful. It explained a puzzling issue for me and, I am sure, for many others.
I know you get many emails and I am conscious of not wanting to impose so I will simply write to you periodically and do not expect any reply or response but please take comfort in our daily reading of your column and I hope you continue to share your wisdom with all of us – your readers.
Kind regards,
Greg
(South Africa)
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
January 7, 2011
by Rod Smith
He or she who enables
1. Lies, covers-up, runs interference, for the enabled.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded with responsibility for the enabled.
3. Feels like he or she is living more than one life each day; as if the choices (good and bad) of the enabled are his or her responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – bears anxiety about choices made by the enabled.
5. Seems unable to see the “self” as disconnected to the self of the enabled, and will often see this connection as “oneness” or love, or a soul-tie, or the “oneness of marriage” making the enabling somehow inescapable.
He or she who empowers
1. Learns to allow others to speak for themselves (“I will not lie for you. If you have to call in as sick when you really are hung-over you will have to make that call yourself.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible to others and for others.
3. Learns to allow most choices (not all) of those he or she loves and their consequences to run their course.
4. Learns to distinguish between helpful pain, useful anxiety, and what is and is not legitimate cause for concern.
5. Works at healthy, necessary separation, even while being married, in love, or having soul-ties.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Responsive people, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
Leave a Comment »
January 6, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I am single male 30, educated, professional. My parents’ background is Pakistani. I have never been married and never had any children. A woman I know is 31 and from Germany where she lives with two boys ages 3 and 2. I have known her for nine years. We met and she moved to Germany. She always rejected me when we were young and she was single. She now wants to divorce her husband and spend the rest of her life with me. My family will never accept her and her family will never accept me. Please guide me.” (Edited)
You potential relationship sounds fully loaded with problems. First off, she is married. If she divorces, and is single, for at least two years, and then wants to be with you that it another matter.
It seems you are an escape route for her right now.
You are going to need and want family (your family) and so I’d respectfully submit to you that the scenario you are placing before me is not a good platform for a healthy life together.
Of course I can be wrong, but I suggest your single life will be far more attractive to you than the complications you will invoke if you head in her direction.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
January 6, 2011
by Rod Smith
New day – and an opportunity to value adventure over safety, challenge over empathy, and to develop the stamina to face natural systemic resistance (sabotage) that comes with being alive.
(Rabbi Ed. Friedman’s books are a must!)
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
January 5, 2011
by Rod Smith
Please could you tips on how to tell the difference between being “in love” with someone and being “in love with the idea of being in love.”
Being in love with the idea of being in love is essential to genuine, lasting love. Without desire the real thing has no entryway.
Genuine love, while quite able to be caught up in romantic fantasy resists losing self, self-insight, the urge for self-preservation, and the urge to self-govern. True love sacrifices, is humble, serves, can desire to move heaven and earth for another, yet it never abdicates personal responsibility or enables others to do so. It has long-haul vision. It seeks little or nothing in return, yet it is also first self-preserving. Somewhat ironically, it is able to care for itself (love itself) just a little more than it cares for a significant other.
Loving the idea of being in love tends to make us responsive to anyone who reaches out. We become somewhat ill defined and demonstrate acts of romantic desperation. We idealize the candidate whom we deem will help us fulfill that fantasy and remain committed even when faced with urgent symptoms (warnings of friends and family) suggesting the relationship is ill fated. Reality doesn’t seem to matter. It’s “I’ll-make-this-work-even-if-it-kills-me” attitude and, sadly, it often does.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Love, Trust, Young Love |
Leave a Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 