February 2, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My girlfriend says she loves me and would never cheat on me. The problem is she has had a lot of casual intimate relationships in the past but says she has changed and wants to be with only me for the rest of her life. I would like to know what she does when I am not around. I can’t be around her all the time and when I am not I feel as if she is going back to her old ways. I ask her to call me and to text me every hour or so when we are not together just to be certain she is ok but she doesn’t want to do this. I want her to stay at home with her family when she is not with me just to be safe. Whenever I confront her about this stuff she starts crying. She says I don’t trust her but there is so much that has happened in the past that I think she should do what I ask so she can regain my trust.”
While her past torments you and while you monitor her behavior you will not find a mutual, trusting, and respectful relationship. It is you that has the trust issue.
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February 1, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My in-laws are the most fantastic people who’d give my husband and me the shirts off their backs and they’d do anything for our children. When I read about families who are cut off from grandparents or from in-laws it makes me so sad. We would live together if it were convenient – but we try to get together as often as possible. I thank God for my husband’s parents who have taken me as a daughter and have given me what I could not get from my own due to sad circumstances that I will not go into here.”
“My wife’s father is really one of my best friends.”
“I call my mother and my step-mother ‘mom’ since they both do the same things.” (Peter, 11)
“My husband is the kindest man I have ever met.”
“The best gift my father gave me was the appreciation of hard work. He played hard because he worked hard and I find myself wanting to do the same.”
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January 31, 2011
by Rod Smith
Dear Rod Smith
I want to write this letter anonymously to protect the identify of my son.
I read your column of 26 January 2011 in The Mercury with great interest and really wish to comment.
It really is a myth that women are the only ones who can serve as a ‘primary’ caregiver to a child. Its ‘first prize’ if both parents are available and share the parenting responsibilities (even though they themselves might not be joined in a romantic or marital relationship). I am, in the same way as you, living testimony that men are totally able to provide for all the caring needs of an infant child. I reconciled with my son’s mother two days after he was born. He is not my biological son (although none of the family is aware of this) and since we took him home from the hospital, I have provided for virtually all his needs (material, emotional, developmental). His mother struggled to bond with him after his birth and with my support we worked through this period and I did my best to ensure that its effects on him are minimal. During this time, and even to now, I play the most significant parenting role in his life (and this does not mean his mom does not have a wonderful and loving relationship with him).
I believe that the myth that men are not capable or competent to nurture young children is institutionalised by views such as those expressed by the writer of the letter to you and this is as a child which leads to men being denied the opportunity to build strong and meaningful relationships with both their children and the mothers of their children. On the other hand I do feel that race can have its own dynamics, but need not necessarily be an impediment to good parenting.
Durban Dad
Posted in Children, Parenting/Children, Single parenting |
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January 31, 2011
by Rod Smith
Hi Rod,
You probably won’t remember, but in the past you have very kindly printed some of my letters to you in The Mercury here in South Africa, and you have even E-mailed me directly on a couple of occasions. Much appreciated!
Just a touch of news, I was so inspired by your column, I set out and wrote a book on the subject of Divorce, and the shambolic events which take place when one doesn’t quite know what to do, the procedures and all the other elements which make up this sad happening. The title is, “Divorce, a beginners guide!” Much to my great surprise, the book was immediately accepted for publication! Talk about beginners luck!
I would consider it a great honour to send you a copy once the printing is complete, if you would like a copy, please let me have your postal address.
Once again, thanks for everything!
Regards,
Spike Farrell.
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January 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
Who shows the most health and freedom?
interest in the Science of Family Therapy. Here are a few key words to guide any reading to stimulate further interest in at least one of many approaches:
Murray Bowen – is considered one of the pioneers;
Genogram – a diagram of a family usually starting with immediate family or “family of origin”;
Space – the distance between and among people;
Under- and over-functioning – playing more than your own role or doing less than your role deserves or requires; Anxiety and chronic anxiety;
The human need for autonomy;
The human need for intimacy;
Differentiation of self;
Cut-offs, fusion;
Mutuality; respect;
Invisible loyalties – the often irrational and rational loyalty among family members;
Low- and high-functioning individuals; low- and high-functioning families.
Keys to change in a family (if change is indeed possible):
Change in a family often comes from first identifying the most self-differentiated person in the family. This person is challenged by the therapist to move his/her life toward greater levels of health and integrity, despite the cost and the sabotage that will naturally result. Family resistance to change is to be expected. When some seek greater health there will be “push back” from those who benefit from the status quo.
Posted in Anxiety, Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Leadership, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Voice |
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January 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I have been having anxiety attacks for the past 6 years. I had my first one on the freeway. I thought I can’t drive the freeway for awhile. I started getting them in short places. It is really bad for me. I own a taxi and drive for a living. In the past I have had two bad car crashes when I used to drink and drive a lot. I was in a bad crash while I was working one night. A bus pulled right out in front of me and it was bad. It took about 5 months then my attacks got worse! I didn’t drive for about a year and a half but in that time I was getting attacks in the car with other people when I wasn’t even driving. I’m back to work but still get them very, very bad to where I got to stop and have someone who works for me come get me. I have tried programs and nothing is working. Please help.” (Edited spelling only)
If driving is causing you this much anxiety you might want to consider another form of employment other than driving a taxi. While this does not conquer the problem there is something to be said for removing oneself from the immediate contexts where the stresses occur.
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January 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for 20 years. My soon to be ex-husband is 18 years older than me. We had children from previous marriages and one child together. After about ten years of marriage I started going out to bars and staying out late. When I look back I am not sure why I did this. He threatened divorce and I never did it again. He now wants a divorce because he says I have not truly treated him as an equal partner and that I gave up caring. I love him with all my heart. He will not consider counseling because he says he loves me and cares about me but hasn’t been in love with me for the last 10 years and so there isn’t anything to work on. I can’t imagine my life without him and it is so hard because he won’t see me to talk face to face because he says he has too much anger towards me. I know I need to find myself. I just want another chance.”
The client’s presented issue is seldom the issue. This is not about bars or staying out late ten years ago. Take up your life, woman – he doesn’t want to be married. Don’t waste your future on him.
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January 26, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My daughter is living with her fiancé. He has a nine-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. The girl has no respect for my daughter. My daughter and her fiancé argue about caring for his child. Now his daughter wants to live with her dad because her mom who does not work yells at her all the time. She is already living with them 3-4 nights a week. My daughter and her fiancé have a 1 year old and another ‘on the way.’ He expects my daughter to take his daughter to and from school and to all of her activities while also taking care of two babies. She cannot do this. He has told my daughter that he will always put his daughter first over her. Is my daughter legally responsible for doing this?”
This must be faced.....
owe all of the children (including the one “on the way”) an honest discussion about marriage, child-care, the involvement of the former wife in the life of her daughter, and much else. I’d suggest you do not rescue your daughter or the children by functioning over and above the call of any sane, loving mother and grandmother. Attempts to “save” your daughter will prolong the couple’s avoidance of issues that ultimately must be faced.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Triangles, Voice |
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January 25, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I married a man I knew had a drinking problem. We had two children and his behavior never changed. He has stayed the same, drinking and going out, but now there has been an affair. Even the affair wasn’t the breaking point for me. He kept going back to the woman so I finally filed for a divorce. The divorce goes through soon and he has since moved onto a second woman who drinks with him. Why am I taking this so hard even knowing that he wasn’t right for me and that I wouldn’t choose him again?”
Please, go to Al Anon
of your children, you are accustomed to his ways; the stress of living with him has fed some emptiness within you and allowed you to feel needed. There are many ways to attempt to explain the reasons you are finding this termination difficult.
I believe you have accommodated his life, his problems, and his illnesses more than you have loved and treasured your own life – which is a sure-fire formula for you to become as addicted to him and his difficulties as he is to alcohol.
Please, seek out our nearest Al Anon group as soon as possible – even though the divorce is almost final.
Posted in Affairs, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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January 24, 2011
by Rod Smith
New romantic interest? Here are a few simple questions to answer to see if you are on a healthy track:
1. Are you more you (more alive, more inspired to be fully who you are) or less you (walking on egg-shells, hiding your wants, desires, ambitions) as a result of your newfound love interest? Of course the former is what would suggest health.
2. Have you maintained most of your former friendships or become isolated from your community of family and friends as a result of this new relationship? Of course the latter would be an indication that all is not well.
3. Are you diminishing (abdicating personal responsibility for your life, vacating all or part of your brain and expecting him or her to think for you) as you get closer to each other, or are you able to hold your own (speak your mind, hold firm opinions) in the face of strong attraction? The former may feel like loving sacrifice but it is no indication of healthy love.
4. Are you driving everything about the relationship and have the sense that if you didn’t things would grind to a halt? If you are doing all the work now you’d better gear up for doing it all in the future.
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