Archive for April 24th, 2017

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April 24, 2017

Is a long-term relationship possible?

by Rod Smith

Is it possible to enjoy a long-term and committed relationship with an adult child of an alcoholic? Is it possible to have a committed and long-term intimate relationship if you are an adult child of an alcoholic?

Of course it is possible. Being the son or the daughter of an alcoholic is not a life-sentence of some variety although at some points in a person’s life it may seem like it.

Here are keys to such a relationship and they may be helpful to all relationships:

  • Conflicts are not the end or even the beginning of the end or a sign that things will end.
  • Regard conflict as healthy and a necessary component of love.
  • Healthy people work things out, talk things through, find resolutions to issues, they don’t move on in the face of conflict.
  • Healthy people move towards conflict and not away from it.
  • It’s possible to accommodate (change, adjust) without losing.
  • It is possible for both parties to grow through learning to accommodate.
  • Being loving is more important than being right.
  • Fragile people in fragile circumstances say things to partners who may be equally fragile that are hard to undo – caution and love and patience are essential with people who have grown up in families that endured regular conflict.

Posted in Addictions, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

April 24, 2017

My observations of Adult Children of Alcoholics

by Rod Smith
  • They (we) tend to mistrust relationships – from casual to intimate.
  • Relationships are about winning or losing, about using or being used.
  • Mistrust trust – they (we) are suspicious of you if you trust them and suspicious of you if you don’t.
  • They (we) are experts in the “double bind” meaning that no matter which option you choose, it is the “wrong” option.
  • They (we) are constantly on duty and have little or no conception of what it means to let go, to relax, and to live with some abandon.
  • They (we) assume there’s always a hidden agenda.
  • They (we) misread authentic innocence and regard it as a cover designed to pull them in.

To succeed in a casual or intimate relationship with an adult child of an alcoholic persistence and patience are essential. They are likely to test the validity of the relationship time and time again. They are going to put roadblocks in the way and will sabotage any meaningful connection to test if it is real.

In the extreme adult children of alcoholics replicate the chaos of their childhoods in order to replicate the discomfort and the mistrust that was their normal.

Please use this column wisely – it is not intended as a means of judging or hurting anyone.

Posted in Addictions, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce | Leave a Comment »

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