• Being caught in the endless crossfire between warring parents.
• Switching sides and armies every few days as you switch territories.
• Being super-over-protected in the name of love and concern when the hyper-vigilance is really a means to get back at the other parent or to suggest the other parent is negligent or not as committed or as loving.
• Hearing constant threats of court hearings and custody hearings and fights over money.
• Not knowing what you can talk about and who you can say you love depending on where you are and who you are with.
• Having your childhood freedoms curbed and stunted because the adults in your life refuse to grow up and so they use you as a trophy in their unresolved stuff that happened years before you were born.
• Having to keep secrets and face weird punishments if you leak information you didn’t know was a secret.
• Hearing both parents say they never speak badly about the other and you know both are lying.
• Loving your mother’s or father’s new man or woman but not being free to say it or show it.

“I am dating a woman who is a little older. She has a son (5) and an ex-husband who is very involved with her (even though they are divorced) and his son. I feel like I am in the middle or in the way. I know it’s over between them but they are still very close in some ways. Please help.”

You feel like you are in the middle because you are. Here are some thoughts and suggestions. Accept or reject at will:

You have entered a family dynamic that began without you. Being the outsider will be your default feeling and position. Make sure you are mature enough to understand and accept this from the outset.

No matter how much the child loves you or treats you as if you were his dad – you are not. Don’t get more invested with the child than you are with the mother.

Even if you are invited, do not discipline the child or make judgments on the child’s father or mother. Both actions will come back to bite you. You have to learn the art of loving a woman while leaving the parenting of her child up to the child’s father.