Best things you can do if your husband says he doesn’t love you…. a woman (Ann) writes…!

I thank Ann for this comment...

“Hi Ladies, just a bit of advice, if your husband says he doesn’t want to be married or doesn’t love you anymore, as much as it hurts, the best thing you can do is nothing. Go about your business, act happy, be nice, don’t beg, don’t plead, don’t cry and make him try to feel sorry for you. Listen to me, as hard as this sounds, it works. Work on yourself, be your own person, let him always see you are happy. Men don’t want to pull away from happy women! They want to pull away from a woman who is yelling, and nagging. I am not saying this is your fault by any means.

“Starting today, start taking care of yourself, pamper yourself, love yourself the way you want to be loved, throw your energy into your kids and yourself. Any contact with your husband or boyfriend be nothing but pleasant and nice: no fighting, no blaming. If he brings up divorce, breaking up tell him you don’t want that but YOU’LL SUPPORT HIM IN HIS DECISION. And leave it at that.

“Get your hair done, nails done (if you can afford to do so) give yourself facials, make yourself feel good about yourself and it will shine through.

“Remember, no yelling, no begging him, no freaking out on him, that will only push him further away.

“And don’t keep bringing up the past of hurtful things he has said and did, that just creates more drama.”

Share this:

• Twitter
• Facebook
• Reddit

Like this:

Like Loading...

Posted on January 8, 2008 at 9:45 pm in Affairs, Anger, Listening, Victims, Voice   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL

Tags: affair, debate, discuss, Divorce, Family, husband, no sex marriage, power, sex, talk, wife

114 Responses to “Best things you can do if your husband says he doesn’t love you…. a woman (Ann) writes…!”

1. 
   Lady Jaye
   January 10, 2008 at 10:33 am

   This is a great letter and wonderful advice. I only hope it’s not too late in my current situation. Thank you!

   Reply
2. 
   2amsomewhere
   January 12, 2008 at 10:42 pm

   This post is a good testimonial to the “make yourself happy for a change” and “do a 180” approaches advocated by Weiner-Davis’ book on divorce prevention.

   —
   2amsomewhere

   Reply
3. 
   joleigh
   January 17, 2008 at 12:00 am

   I really wish this would help in my case, however, I was doing all of those things before he came to me and said that basically he wasn’t happy. I’m totally floored. I’ve been soo happy for months even the last few years, probably the happiest I’ve been in our ENTIRE relationship. And apparently, hes getting more and more unhappy. How can that be?

   I am going to try to work more on myself though, hes brought up issues that bother him, which I now understand. However, I’m having a hard time realizing that I have to change things..when I thought everything was PERFECT. apparently I’m blind. 😦

   Reply
4. 
   Just
   January 29, 2008 at 4:58 am

   Wow! I love this one and I am going to try it to solve my problem. Thank you so much for sharing this!

   Reply
5. 
   Milena
   February 1, 2008 at 8:37 pm

   Oh my god!!!! You really made me realize that is what I should really do and you know what it might just really work. Wow.

   Thanks so much Ann.

   Reply
6. 
   Fatima
   March 12, 2008 at 12:20 am

   Does this really work . I feel my boyfirend pulling away from me each day . I do everything for him . The only thing he does is bath and take himself to the loo.

   I make sure that I try and keep myself looking good most of the time, but he doesnt take notice

   Yes every now and again , i bring up my insecurities and the past hurt . I am a woman and thing hurt to much at times to turn a blind eye.

   Reply
7. 
   riley
   March 14, 2008 at 8:45 am

   Great advice and you know what? I think this will work for men too. I’m trying it right now.

   Reply
8. 
   Kmadm
   March 29, 2008 at 10:51 pm

   This is fine. I basically have already been doing this. He has told me at least 2, 3 or 4 times that us getting married was a mistake and he doesn’t love me. I have tried leaving several times but each time it ends in tears and him telling me not to go. Lately we started up again because I found out he is cheating (emotionally) on me with another women from work. I am sorry but I will NOT tolerate that. He told me he doesn’t love me and even though I try to make affectionate advances towards him and backs away all the time and when I call him on it he tells me he doesn’t love me like that anymore. I’ve asked him them why won’t he let me leave then when I try to. Why does he beg me to stay. He feels badly that I have no where to go and to make the kids (4 in all) upset. Today I feel like was the ultimate worse. I asked him to go to a children’s museam with our youngest daughter tomorrow after church and he made an excuse. I accused him of not ever wanting to do anything with us. He brings up past memories about who he’s been to what places with and It gets me angry…. bringing up old girl friends but never thinks about me. I got angry and said you’ll remember all your old memories but you don’t want to make any new ones with me or your daughter. Well this is how it all blew up again today. Him off to work leaving me in tears. Through tears which I couldn’t hold back I told him I want more. I deserve to have someone who loves me. I am a person with feelings and needs. He said he understands but he doesn’t love me. I would love to try the above but I feel like I’ve been doing that for over 2 years. I don’t think it’s ever going to get any better.

   Reply
9. 
   Jennifer
   April 7, 2008 at 11:46 am

   just my opinion but this is garbage. If he says he doesn’t love you, you need to love yourself enough to let him go. After all why is that good enough for you? Don’t you deserve someone who truly loves you? I don’t get that….You should be good to yourself anyway.

   Reply
10. 
    Lyndsey
    June 20, 2008 at 12:35 am

    Go find a sweet guy who listens and makes you laugh and smile they are a few out there left go get him.

    Reply
11. 
    Boon
    July 8, 2008 at 8:59 am

    Hi, i am seeing a married man for almost 9years, he cant make that decision to leave is family, his wife knows about us, she knows everything, we do everything together, she nags him almost everyday about me but he cant leave me, she said she will never give up on him.i really love him, we both really love each other, we been through it all, hard times and good times, and he stood by me through thick and thin no matter what. he loves his kids, he is scared to loose the kids,
    what do i do, do i wait for when he is ready or do i walk away.

    Reply
    • 
      anonymous
      May 11, 2009 at 9:09 pm

      You are trash and what if it’s you on the other side. Put yourself in his wife’s shoes then you’ll realize that you broke this family apart and you are hurting not just the wife but the children.The husband is definitely afraid to leave the wife because his paycheck is not going to be enough to pay child support and alimony. Wake up and smell the coffee..if ever he decides to leave the wife,he will do the same thing to you..once a cheater, always a cheater.

      [I often wonder what it is within people that they will so readily call each other “trash”! I allow this comment not because I endorse such talk. Rod]

      Reply
      • 
        Anonymous
        January 24, 2010 at 12:19 pm

        I think it is scarey world when we do not consider the pain we put others through based on our own needs. I have lived the life of someone who has been cheated on and it truly is about the self-esteem of the cheaters, they lack it. People with adequate self-esteem and self-worth don’t settle for someone else’s partner. Persons who love and respect themselves don’t need to search and solve problems by adding pain to others. I hope for your sake that you can look deeply into your heart and find a good life that fulfills your needs 24/7.
    • 
      Anonymous
      June 5, 2009 at 1:16 pm

      How could you do that? Hurt a family that isn’t yours?

      (I, Rod Smith, edited foul language out of response)

      Reply
    • 
      Melissa
      June 18, 2009 at 7:03 pm

      Let me tell you something about being the other woman…yes I was the other woman once, emotionally not physically. He used to tell me everything about his wife and kids. I even tried to help him and push him to fix his marriage. I was, and am still today, madly in love with him. He left his wife, without my asking, and divorced her. We now 5 years later are married and have 2 children of our own. And guess what, he now has a new girl he is emotionally involved with. She has told me with her own mouth how he tells her everything and she doesn’t care. He has since told me he wanted to separate from me. Once a cheat always a cheat. I am trying my best to be the nice wife and understand he needs time, but it’s hard as h@##. I cried my eyes out and begged in the beginning and that made things worse. Now that I’m being sweetie sweetie nice wife and showing my love for myself and our kids he is slowly talking to me again, but it’s still COLD! So, good luck to you the other woman because it may be all roses now, but one day, years from now, you will be on the other side of this looking at it going WOW deja vu.

      Reply
      • 
        Anonymous
        November 29, 2009 at 12:19 pm

        What goes around will always come around!! I’m so glad u got hurt as u hurt others.

        (To ths responder: I am allowing your comment although I want you to know, I do not find gladness in someone’s pain, whether he or she might have appeared to deserve it or not. Please use “you” and not “u” in the future. It doesn’t take much. — Rod Smith
      • 
        ashleigh
        October 26, 2010 at 4:36 pm

        can you contact me by email so we can talk. im in the same boat
    • 
      Anonymous
      July 6, 2009 at 2:39 pm

      Boon,
      I think you are wrong for messing with a married man. My husband cheated on me with another woman and I till this day have forgiven him but I will not forget what he done to me. To make matters worse, he cheated on me with a younger girl who we both knew. She, as a matter of fact, has been to my house, sat on my couch, ate and drank from my kitchen and did this to me. I can’t say that I hate her nor him for doing what they did, but he has really taken a chunk of my heart away and I really dislike her for what she did. We have three kids together and I feel like it is just so wrong for a woman to destroy a family. It’s more the man’s fault than the other woman but if you know that he is married you should step back and find your own man, one who is single.

      Reply
    • 
      Constance
      July 29, 2009 at 9:51 am

      You need to find your own man and leave that womens husband alone. He is never going to leave his wife for you. Why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free. You need to wake up girlfriend. A man will tell you anything to get what he wants and you are giving him more than what he needs. Believe me if he could talk to his wife about you he would. Never respect a man who sits up and talks about his wife. She represents him so that should tell you something. Think about it you have been with him for nine years and he cant make a decisioin? Honey hes made his choice and its just not you. Sorry but you need to find your own man. Think about it, put yourself in her shoes would want that to happen to you because what goes around comes around.

      Reply
    • 
      Anonymous
      March 31, 2010 at 10:05 am

      boon you are trash and need to grow up and learn to respect a marriage. Until he is divorced you need to back off! 9 years geezz.

      Reply
    • 
      neetu
      May 1, 2010 at 2:34 pm

      You are such a bitch who is breaking someone’s house. If you marry him, he may marry someone else in future. You must not do it. God will never forgive you and keep you happy if you marry a married man. His wife and children will always curse you. Be a good lady and don’t spoil their lives.

      [Inclusion of comment does not mean I endorse its content – Rod Smith]

      Reply
    • 
      Aurora
      June 16, 2010 at 4:54 pm

      I’ll tell you what you should do…….. Leave this MARRIED man and his family alone and go and find yourself a SINGLE man! You are a homewrecker and I don’t have any sympathy for you!!

      Reply
    • 
      Leslie
      February 5, 2011 at 6:51 pm

      You need to leave. Women should NOT be going after a MARRIED man. I have some whore going after my husband right now and it infuriates me that someone can try and break up a relationship and family. He is taken and NOT yours!

      Reply
    • 
      Anonymous
      June 20, 2011 at 6:31 pm

      this is nonsense. you flirt get out from her husband

      Reply
    • 
      Anonymous
      June 20, 2011 at 11:55 pm

      you dirty cheap marriage breaking hall. get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Reply
12. 
    hotairuphere
    July 9, 2008 at 10:42 am

    The loss of love-like feelings doesn’t make a marriage a non-marriage and the presence of those feelings doesn’t make your relationship with a married man legitimate and his relationship with his wife illegitimate. Remember that at one point the passion you share with this man was exactly what he and his wife felt for each other – I doubt very much that either one of them thought they would ever feel less than what they felt at that point.

    When this man falls out of “love” with you and into “love” with a different woman (and he will), I doubt you will cheerfully go away just because he doesn’t want you anymore. Why, then, should his wife vacate her position for you? She is not the one committing wrong – you and he are committing a mortal sin against her, one which will leave her and their children forever scarred and changed. Leave. Go find a man who can love you with real love, not the illusory substitute you’re settling for now.

    Reply
13. 
    Anonymous
    July 11, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    skank

    Reply
14. 
    betty
    July 18, 2008 at 3:42 am

    this reply is for boon i think you should be ashamed of your self. anyone that dates a married man is trash. my husband cheated after 5 years and that is the worst pain i have ever felt in my life it tears families apart. she is the wife and you should respect that. there is a reason that GOD. said thou shault not committ adultery. leave him alone………

    Reply
15. 
    Anonyous
    July 20, 2008 at 2:28 am

    I strongyly disagree with women who sleep with
    married men.These women know what they’re up against before they start dating. Some strong-minded men will leave their wife for these women, but others
    may not because they know that their wife is the only women who will put up with their crap. But for the low down women who are skanks and whores; you will be judged and you will reap what you sow; it’s not a joke God will punish you; same for the men who are cheating.

    Reply
16. 
    sam2can
    July 21, 2008 at 8:34 pm

    Whilst it’s great to look at ways of salvaging one’s marriage….we are forgetting the fact that there must be an equal contribution from both parties. Whilst you maybe out there looking after yourself (why you hadn’t in the first place is beyond me…!) doesn’t necessarily guarantee that the non-nagging wife…..now turned happy-faced wife….will resolve the underlying reasons why there is a loss of love. Monogamy, perhaps isn’t what every person wants after a while….so who knows why men think that they have a right to be so brutal to women…..and we are just supposed to hang back and take it. I say, if fixing yourself up is the starting point so be it…but if that’s what it takes to keep you going…then keep going…out the door to a happier future, free of complexities and the inept emotional courage that some men have to really enjoy life with the one they love!

    Reply
17. 
    fekans
    August 8, 2008 at 7:56 am

    Hello eveybody,

    I was all alone, i was very sad.One night someone from my natal country send me a text number to ring telling me to get in touch with a girls of the same country who’s been here in the UK for as long as i am and told me that they are looking for someone urgent to marry her.

    In those time as no one knew my circumtances and refer to that text message i got the hope and reason for a change.

    First time i rang got her voice mail, left a message.

    she came back , i told her they are looking a man for u and am the one.

    she said i am in love with somebody as he married someone else am not marrying anyone.

    i insisted for month and gave her my date birth and told her that i will never ring her again after that. on my 27th birthday i thought she will never come back but she did, she start saying i have never taken you serious but now she start callin now and then for frienship, i told her from the beginning that i dont need a friend i need a life partner.

    Eventually she understood, but, was alway a very unpolite girl, very rude always talking about her past.

    I was just going with the flow all the time telling her that life will change.

    We both agreed to marry in our homeland. I was very happy but all the time she was putting a stop saying am not marrying you. i was scared as i was doing doing two job just for that wedding. i was living in North of london and she was in the east. I was so scared thinking if go there will she still be there or she was just joking. She started calling me paranoid.

    We went to our homeland and got married. But she never seemed to care about me at all. Shae just treated me as i always will need her and do things all her way.

    We came back to london, i started to feel bad, when she would not care at all and have no respect for my feelings at all.

    whatever i start to do is wrong and all the time she only talks about the past making me feel so bad. After 5 month i just wanted her to relax and start to thing about our relationship but she would rather work all the time and help the relatives financially without considering our future. The financial was not bothering me but not thinking of our relationship and not respecting me was bothering me a lot.

    I start to think why, lots of thing came to my mind, is she still with the ex, did she marry me so that she can do only things she wanted, is that always going to be like this?

    I started to rebuke i started to get angry but all the time she said i should not have married you.

    One night she came home we were having good time together when suddenly while taking her jumper off she said ” do you know you gave me this” “my EX” i thought thats enought as we were not living together at that time, i was renting a room where i was sharing with her brother but recently left london for work in manchester i told my wife to please leave the place immediately and do back to where she was staying at her clent house as a LIVING CARER>

    She left i wnted to break this relationship , that after arguments over arguments on the street i took her back, it was only the a few month wedding.

    After that our relation started to go up and down, since then she stop telling me nothing but will always do her stuff and only telling me what she decided.

    She is always critics and am getting mad, ahe does not care at all.

    With all the friends and familly she would put me last and she make me feel that our relationship has no value at all.

    I have engaged myself in Tenting house given deposit and all but now i start sleep on the sofa and she is having the whole bed.

    what should i do?

    i

    Reply
18. 
    Rae Dawn
    August 23, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Fekans,

    You never should have married this person. You two are strangers. It’s necessary, especially when you are living in a strange country, to get to know the other person really well before getting married. If you are still married, you need to file for divorce. Do not marry anyone else until you have spent time getting to know each other and are sure you have enough in common, such as goals and interests, to make a lasting commitment.

    Reply
19. 
    Judy
    September 10, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    I am like one of the other respondents — I hope I can apply this method timely enough before we are completely not speaking — he’s already living some place else. We talk and there has been all of the negativity you mentioned, but, I’m trying to let go of it. It is getting easier being without him and I may get to the point I might say, “I’m not in love with you anymore either”.

    Reply
20. 
    Anonymous
    September 15, 2008 at 9:28 am

    this reply is for boon:
    why are you letting yourself to love a married man when you already knew that he is married. this is very shameful and wrong. i understand how the wife feels because my husband is having another woman outside. that woman is just like you. why can’t you just let go and find yourself another man. you really cannot live without him? whenever my husband meet that woman, he will tell me he’s going out. and do you know that i am at home feeling very depressed because i know he is outside with her in a hotel having sex. the thought of this is enough to make me super miserable. i often wonder to myself, why is there such a shameless woman exist in this world. will she ever get her retribution for breaking a family. my husband told me he loved the 2 of us and do not want to leave her or me. he just think that this is nothing wrong and he will never change his character. whoever cannot share him will need to leave. i am still holding on because i do not want to lose to that woman. because i am the legal wife and we have made marriage vows. our family are so used to us being together. sometimes i wonder do i still love him or not. i always complain that he spends more time with her than with me. do you know he have sex more often with than with me too. i feel so lonely and unwanted. you are a disgrace to woman. leave that man and cut off all your contact with him. if you keep contact with him, this will never end. go find a single and available man. do not ever have a chance to tackle a married man again.

    Reply
21. 
    Anonymous
    September 15, 2008 at 9:36 am

    this reply is for boon:
    LEAVE THE MAN!

    Reply
22. 
    Sara
    September 24, 2008 at 11:29 am

    Thank you for posting this. It is really helping me. I just read a bunch of flirty stuff on my husband’s yelp page and it upset me so much. I was so ready to call him and scream and then I did a couple of searches on google instead. I got a lot of stuff about “you need to tell him what you want out of your relationship” blah blah blah, but I’ve been down that road and it hasn’t helped. This article did. Using this method is exactly the way to get through to my man. If he sees me doing my own thing, he will like it, just like you said. Even though this has worked in the past, I forgot and it was great to be reminded. I feel so much better and calmer. Thank you Dr. Smith. 🙂

    Reply
23. 
    joining the crowd...
    November 5, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    Ann thats a great post, great advice. I would add to it, however, is that this may or may not bring your spouse back, so dont count on it. Do it for yourself.
    By not begging him to come back to you (which is useless and gives him soo much power) you are saving your dignity and self respect, and will help keep you sane.
    But along with pampering and taking care of yourself, try to develop some outside intersests. Upgrading your education or work skills, joining clubs that interst you, networking with other single parents, lean on your friends and family, attend church, anythign that is going to strengthen your support system will also help you, because you are becoming more and more independent.. you will realize you probably dont need him after all. And if you still do, your with him by choice, not because you feel you need him. Good luck!!

    Reply
    • 
      Anonymous
      July 6, 2011 at 2:13 am

      that is so true!!!! thanks for all these reminders!!!!

      Reply
24. 
    Ouch
    November 30, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    My ex told me countless times he made a mistake when we got married. He used the “somthing is missing” excuse. We stayed together 16 yrs…me fighting for the relationship everytime. 3 emotional affairs later and 3 kids…..the last affair……I cried one day. I begged one day.
    Then I got happy and went on with my life and you know what HE DID NOT COME BACK. He was relieved. He was starting to see another women from his 20 yr class reunion. She should not have been involved with a married man – nice girl -bad morals/character. I worked out at the gym, kept myself up – bombshell. I worked a very good job and let him take exotic trips and buy expensive toys. I never nagged and I never complained. I did all the shopping, cleaning and raising of the children while working and going to school full time. Happy face. I gave him attention and affection. My point is when a man wants to leave….he will leave no matter how “happy” you are appearing to be if he truly wants out.
    Now how come we can’t ask the SAME from the men? Why dont you get happy and get helping. Why would someone need to nag if you have communication and a spouse that is helping??
    I am tired of reading the “newest” articles on men leave for confident women who give them attention becuz their wife does not. Pleez… enough.
    Everyones story is different and I am sure some women withold/withdraw and yes the men leave. Would someone please start asking why they are withdrawing and witholding??? If they are resentful becuz he is not holding up to his bargain and being supportive or helpful – then does the chicken come before the egg???? If so, who is really at fault and does it all really matter?? A real man will stay and try to fix the communication barrier and chose to fall back in love…not run off to search for the “missing” in some other desperate woman trying to fix her past “mistakes”.
    Am I missing something here or are we more informed today with the internet, talk shows, and acceptance of therapy? Yet we opt to give up easily to the next smiling – happy appearing – desperate, confident female in need?
    I feel disillusioned that all men can be “tricked” or misled by happy faces?
    We need to re evaluate the context of the above and have it rewritten to simply say…..
    yelling/screaming/bargaining/begging is NOT communication.
    Simply……dont put on a happy face when you are not happy. That is deceitful and that is where the communication broke down to begin with. Lying about our real feelings and not being able to communicate them openly and honestly without feeling like your unsafe.
    I wish we all could have taken a real communications class in High School instead of some of the classes we will never need or use again. As a nation we are disrepectful to the meaning of marriage and we need to start to address the 50% divorce rate. We spend billions of dollars making the world a better place for our children by putting $$ in green, environment, classes, tests, exams, colleges………yet thousands of children coming from broken homes….and you know those stats.
    Lets get at the root of our societal problems and quit putting on a happy face and pretending this doesnt exist.
    Note: I am divorced. I have children and they are suffering. I left a very abusive relationship. I am refering to relationships that are not abusive in any nature. These are meant to be avoided or left for safety reasons. Shame on me for not seeing the signs and communicating to my ex about them b4 the children. I take full responsiblity and I am part of the problem….trying to help develop better solutions so we dont all end up here.

    Reply
25. 
    Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
    November 30, 2008 at 3:42 pm

    Dear “Ouch”

    Thanks for your contribution to this conversation.

    Rod

    Reply
26. 
    EMR
    December 6, 2008 at 8:53 am

    I have been in a relationship with my husband for ten years and
    married for 4 1/2 years. When we met I was 14 and very thin, with long
    dark hair, athletic, and very goal orientated. His personality is very
    laid back, not much bothers him and he really doesn’t let time become an
    issue. I fell in love with him because he made me laugh and was very
    gentle. We waited several years before we had sex and I only did it
    because he got tried of waiting and basically gave me an ultimatum. But
    I really liked having sex with him, he was gentle and we were bendy. It
    was fun. Over the years I became lazy, and grew accustomed to his laid
    back ways and started arriving late to everything. I became pregnant at
    21 and he broke up with me and told me that he wasn’t ready to be a dad
    and that he never wanted to be one. I ruined his life. He sent me on my
    way to tell my parents alone and to get an abortion (it was in his mind
    the best option). I did not and kept my son who is now 5!
    Before he was born my husband came back to me and begged for
    forgiveness and told me that he was just scared and that he wanted to be
    with me and our son. So he moved in with me and my parents and then he
    moved in with some relatives in another state to find work. He was very
    rude to them and did not find work until months later and then ended up
    getting fired from that job and moved back. He basically did not work
    when I was pregnant with our first. We moved out of my parents and time
    went on and I became pregnant with my second son who is now soon to be
    2. The whole pregnancy he did not work. He blamed on some legal issues
    and by that time I was fed up. He was going out for several days at a
    time and would come home like everything was ok and without a hi or
    explanation. One day he came home with his fathers truck and I was
    getting ready for work and I flat out kicked his ass out and told him he
    better be gone before I got back. Just before I arrived at home he cal
    led and was acting like I was joking. Keep in mind I was 9 months
    pregnant and in no shape to argue at that magnitude, so I just let him
    be. Finally he has managed to get a great paying job and I tell him all
    the time how I appreciate him, etc.. so that he doesn’t loose interest
    in the job. So now I am 27 and weighting in at 190. I am so……
    miserable to say the least. Things have gotten so bad between us that I
    have no words to fight back with. Just last night we were going to his
    work’s x-Xmas party and out sitter canceled. I was so devastated because
    we have not gone out together in about 6 years. To be a good sport I
    told me to go ahead and go and have a nice time with this co-workers.
    He said that he shouldn’t be long and that we could do something
    together later that night. I waited for six hours and then I was called
    into work (with he knew) so I am pissed waiting for him (he wont answer
    his phone) I am late to work and no one to watch the kids. I finally
    get a ride and a sitter. I call him hours later and he tells me that
    some waitress was hitting on him and that she was fat and she and her
    thin friend had stayed after their shift to talk to him. He was made
    because the fat girl was the one hitting on him and he went on this hour
    rant of how he is sick of dealing with fat girls. That he was drunk and
    he knew that was his only chance to come clean to me. That he was sick
    of pretending to like me and that he wanted me thin again. He kept
    saying cant you loose just 30, 40, 50 pounds? And then he would say no
    you cant can you. I feel in love with you because you were hot and now
    you are just fat. I want to be able to put my hands around a waist and
    show up with a hot girl. If I were to cheat on you it would not be with
    another fat girl. And etc.. I told him how could he say such things and
    he said what don’t you know guys are visual you have to know that I am
    looking. I cant walk around with my eyes closed and lord kno ws I try
    to when looking at you. He said that to be honest that if a hot girl
    were to proposition him he would not turn her down. And this is the
    last hurtful thing that I believe I can take from him. I want to leave
    so bad but we have just borrowed 10,000 from one of my aunts and he pays
    her back every 2 weeks. My checks are so small he make at least four
    times as me in 2 weeks. I really don’t know what to feel but I do know
    that I am really hurt and sad and scared. I work 3rd shift to save
    money on sitters and during the day I am with my kids. I have not one
    friend and I long to have an adult conversation with my husband when he
    gets home–but he always just goes to his room and shuts that door,
    takes a shower and eats/watches TV. Please any help would be greatly
    appreciated.”

    Reply
    • 
      Kay
      November 25, 2009 at 9:12 pm

      EMR, I would start with a workout program. The sweetest revenge is success. It will take time to get into a routine and to see results but it is what both of you want. It is for you but, one of two things will happen. You will decide to work it out with him and he will be all about that or, you will be planning to make your exit and this will make it easier. Devise a plan and be patient, just start working toward the life you want, the doors will open. Good luck sweety pie and remember that tomorrow will come whether you are ready for it or not.

      Reply
27. 
    Ouch
    December 9, 2008 at 10:38 pm

    OUCH I would definitely re evaluate your self worth and see if you have any support. I would start with support and get some counseling if available.

    Reply
28. 
    Danielle
    December 12, 2008 at 1:41 am

    I am probably just writing this so I can say it out loud, see it in print, and for once know it is real. I have been doing exactly what this article says for so long. despite finding inappropriate texts from my husband to another woman, I just carried on and tried to let him see the best me. And, every time he sees me happy or smiling (though I have not been happy in a very long time), he sits there and uses me as his sounding board for why marriage is not for him. then I end up heartbroken again. Its a vicious cycle really, that I have come to recognize as severe emotional abuse. Tonight, after spending the day smiling with my kids, he laid in bed with me and told me how if he knew then, what he knows now, he never would have married me but now he is just trapped. Which led me to cry, and realize, my God, its not just me he resents, but our 3 kids too. though he will never admit that. I am so done with him telling me what a mistake I was, how insignificant I am, and making me feel worthless al the time. I was always a very confident, strong person, now I am just a mess. I am a weak, sad person who finds it hard to get through every day and be a good mother the way I feel. And, the odd thing is, I always thought we were happy. I am just so blindsided. We have always had great sex by any mans standards, he truly believes I am the most beautiful woman on the planet, I share his interests and never expect him to share mine (girly things he hates that is), dinner is on the table every night, I work to contribute to the bills, take care of the kids with no help at all, support every fucking breath he takes. God, I am sooo angry. All the best of me, knowing me how he does, and I am just not enough for him. he claims, that after 10 years, he misses his old lifestyle, but yet claims he is not referring to other women. His life has not changed in any other way except for that, because he claims he loves to be a father. I just hate him so much, for not loving me, for not wanting this family, for not valueing the things in life that are most precious. All i want is for him to want me and he just doesn’t. now, i know that he is going to go find another girl and think its so great b/c there won’t be life to get in the way. we have 3 kids, and a tremendous amount of bills, and life has just gotten in the way. but how dumb am i, i still thought we were happy. i am ranting, i know, i am just so sad, and angry, and bitter towards him fro taking away my future. i wanted to sit on the porch and watch our grandkids together. he says i should let him figure this out, but i can’t take the constant abuse anymore. the constant feeling that i have to walk on glass or risk enraging him. tonight, he says he doesn’t love me, and we discuss divorce, and then he claims…oh, look, another great reason to be married, i get stuck talking when i should be sleeping. as if it is a viable option to threaten divorce and then roll over and go to sleep. i hate him so bad for ruining my life, my kids lives. i ahve been so good to him. i am ranting, but i can’t talk to anyone about this until he “decides” what he wants. how dumb am i, to sit here while he decides. (Edited profane language: Rod)

    Reply
29. 
    Ouch
    December 18, 2008 at 7:40 am

    EMR…your post is EXACTLY the same as my life. I could have written it. Except I have a handicapped daug with emotional problems.
    Fast forward 2 years……someone came along more exciting. I was all you were…supportive and attractive and all that.
    I am now divorced and he too was emotionally abusive. I am still healing and sometimes still hating. I nor my children will ever be the same. We were married 13 years….oddly 10yrs when this all began. He just stopped loving me and stopped caring. Did not realize people could just stop. So I was blindsided on that but if you really really look back……as painful as it is………you were not blindsided. You saw the signs, they were there…you chose to ignore them. (like the texts)
    Dont be so hard on yourself either becuz you were doing what was protective for yourself AND trying to work on the marriage. He simply was not in the game.
    My advice to you may sound harsh and probably feel like it is killing you BUT you have to make up your mind to not let him control the people in his life by waivering and take back the old you. I believe this post was meant to say that…but the way it was percieved by me was “act happy when your not to try and change the situation…look on the positive side”
    I am 2 yrs thru now and a liitle better but it has taken a toll on me and has changed (becuz it had too) my whole life and perspective. You are grieving now. You are grieving all your DREAMS, EXPECTATIONS, BELIEFS. Its ok……grieve and grieve deeply.
    I have learned that to move forward and be happy I have to let go of these and I just didnt want too. The longer I tried to white knuckle it and hang on…..the more pain it caused and still does to be honest.
    Reconstructing your whole life and all your dreams, expectations and beliefs is hard especially when you feel you didnt get a say in the matter…like you had no choice and the decision was all his……..
    Dont sit and wait while he decides….you give away your power……you have given it all away already and the little bit you have left? You are giving the last of it by waiting. Hard. Ask yourself if your daug/son came to you with this ….what advice would you give them?
    My heart goes out to you and I cry as I know the unsurmountable pain you are feeling and will be going thru. Get as many supportive people around you as possible immediately. I can tell you not to wait….but you will. You care…you cant help it. So why you are waiting….do something that will help when he makes his decision one way or another. Stay strong for those kids……..BELIEVE IN YOURSELF…YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
    ~Ouch

    Reply
30. 
    Ouch
    December 18, 2008 at 7:45 am

    OOPs LAST POST WAS FOR DANIELLE NOT EMR….

    Reply
31. 
    Brenda
    December 23, 2008 at 12:58 am

    I am not sure how to do this….First time ever on one of these places….I will practice first..I so wanted to comment on what Danielle had wrote…It so made me cry…and again I could of wrote this myself…..same words!!!!!! I will try and post this and I wish I could get in touch with you to pray…..I know exactly your pain your cursing anger and the helpless subdued person you become…You hate him for doing and saying these things,,While you have to hold every emotion inside as much as possible..to be the best wife ever….It so makes me made..and no matter what anyone says you will not leave you do but you really dont cuz you dont want to feel the pain…You just want him to come to his sense and realize what a precious person you are becoming everyday…..But the time in this prison he does not see…..He is selfish…And the only thing I can say is I will pray for you and with you if possible…And anothe r thing..I totally resent others no matter how much I love them I hate for some one to start tellin me why and how I should leave….I will pray for you ..You pray for me….God be with us and help us to make it thru this…..Really bring a miracle to help all the women that go thru this pain….It freaks me out how so many men just think about themselves and us women just keep going and they think “we” are weak ?..God help all the men all those who “might” read this and convict al these men Father….Make them ashamed for not loving their wives and family as you do….In Jesus name..Amen

    Reply
32. 
    Brenda
    December 23, 2008 at 1:17 am

    Oh and yes I thought what you wrote Ann was awesome becuz , I “do” believe it helps….And remember Ladies You “are” precious and God will make a way for you and your husband….What ever you decide to do God will be there for you…Whether you decide to stay or leave…You are never totally alone….Just call his name…You are going to make it thru….It doesnt feel like it..But we will..I am goin thru this at this very moment myself….I pray for for strength in these womens mind, bodie, and spirit ….Bive them rest peace and joy and help all of them including myself to make it thru this season…..We are strong and needed….help the men Lord ..wake them Up Lord….Let them see their wives in your eyes….Do what only you can do Lord..And all those women or men that do not know u help them to call on your name Jesus and ask for you to come into their life and make yourself rea to them…In Jesus name….Amen

    Reply
33. 
    lori
    January 2, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Thank you for the prayer, Brenda…. I really need it.

    Reply
34. 
    lori
    January 2, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    my husband told me he only loves me as the mother of his children. After 22 years, I am devistated. What do I do? Still cook for him? Still sleep in the same bed? Still wash his cloths? I do not know how to redefine my role. He said he would not divorce and do that to our 19 and 15 year old children. I do not want a divorce because of the children. Help Me. I can’t stop crying.

    Reply
    • 
      Kay
      November 25, 2009 at 9:17 pm

      I would still make meals if you are doing that for yourself and the children anyway, I would wash towels but not really his other stuff, sleep in the same bed, why not…but I would be having sex with him. Remember, you are his legal wife, you need to know what you have and what you owe. Be nice enough but don’t go out of your way. He may come around, he may not but you need to be prepared for the may not. Start reading about divorce laws in the event he presents that or you decide to do so. As it stands, you can do whatever you want, he is legally bound to you. Go to school, get plastic surgery, whatever.

      Reply
      • 
        Kay
        November 25, 2009 at 9:18 pm

        oops, NOT be having sex with him.
35. 
    Ouch
    January 5, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    lori…….start looking for support and start communication with your husband about your feelings. Falling in and out of love in relationships happen and it is a choice to love someone. Explain to him you would like him to choose to love you again and ask how you can help. Maybe you can ask him to list his top three most important needs. 1-10
    Maybe discussing with him you want to be a good mother but also want to be a good wife. Ask what could you do to facilitate this. Maybe a little romance or breath of fresh air…like a mini vacation without the kids. Date nights, or reading a book together out loud in bed. I think one of the bookstores sell the books and games for just “touching and holding”
    ….Breathe…..relax and keep your head clear…….it will make a world of difference……than take a bubble bath!!!
    I will keep you in my prayers as well……~ouch

    Reply
36. 
    annonymous
    March 1, 2009 at 8:19 am

    I always thought these things only happened to me…how surprising that it happens to alot of women out there. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 14 yrs we are not married but live together, i have a daughter not his and he has a son not mine, he cheated on me 4 yrs ago and she got pregnant and now he has a daughter that is 3….never had a kid with me cuz he wanted no more kids,he said my daughter and his son were enough, that when they grew he wanted us to travel without having to worry about kids, our kids now are 17 and 18 so we were almost there, I could have gotten pregnant but respected his wishes of not having any, although i did get pregnant in 2002 but unfortunately I miscarried….anyways when he cheated I found out on my own, he ended up leaving but not really taking everything that belonged to him just some clothes, three months later that’s when he told me just was pregnant, but he didn’t want her to have it but she was determined to have it, he stated that if he was going to have a kid it was me and not anyone else..he was gone for almost a year but of coarse was always there called came by the house, states he wasnt with her, she had her kid in September and by january was already living with me again, he smoothly moved back in , we reallly didnt talk about it. We’ve been together since but it hasnt been the greatest whenever we argue I do bring it up, oh ya my family know’s nothing about this child, which makes it hard, he does spend time with her but at his mothers house, his mother loves me and was really hurt with what happened but accepted the kid with open arms, in reality its not the kids fault, and i understand, i have also meet the kid and have actually spent some time around her, he states he wants me to bring it out in the open and let people know what happened , its kinda hard and hurtful to me, I know they will judge and not feel the same way about him thats why i dont do it, sometimes I feel like i’m going to go crazy…Now here’s another thing I think hes cheating on me again not with the daughters mother i know that for a fact because she moved on and has a boyfriend and she knows that hes with me, but with someone else and the funny thing is that he now uses his daughter as an excuse everytime he has to do something he claims he stays at his mothers house because she stays over with him,and if he cant bring her to the house because my daughter knows nothing then where else will he stay with her….BUT its a lie like I said his mother likes me alot and she callls me up every once in a while to see how I’m doing, and she know s that something is wrong, i asked if he stays there with the kid she said , you know that she comes here but “she has never slept here” so where exactly is he staying if not over there, but he will deny it till he’ turns blue in the face that there is no one else, little does he know that i have seen picture and text msgs, but yet again he will deny, even after i told him what his mom told me, what i dont understand is that he doesnt leave me and i”ve asked him if you dont want to be with me why are you still here, he actually said he loves me but is not in love with me, but wants to try to fall in love with, i just dont get him sometimes. I cry so much and just try to figure it out everyday, sometime s I wonder if I could leave him, but I dont think I’m strong enough..I dont want anyone who is reading to this to take it the wrong way I am not ugly nor fat,I’m in my middle 30’s and look as if i were in my 20’s, so I know that’s not the case…he tells me he loves me that I’m beautiful and sexy but wants to fall in love with me….I know I’m going back and forth but he also has said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore that we should be roommates and see if falling in love with will happen, yet he sleeps in the same bed.I want to have a kid, more than anything, but he wont let me. so you see my thing…He loves me,he’s not in love with me,he cheats, fathers a kid, comes back,cheats on me again but doesn’t leave…What the hell does this guy want… one more thing some of you who read this might think why i never told my daughter, i dont want her to think thato its ok for any man to do that to you and it be ok…and I dont want her think any less of me for forgiving what he did, I know why I did it because I loved him and still do, but if it doesn’t happen to you, your not able to judge. I knew people who have gone through this before it happened to me and I judged them and now i take it all back… because now i know better….those who dont know swear we have like the perfect relationship, we both have good jobs, we get paid well, we own a home,we are actually both in school to futher our education, I mean I sit here and wonder why, I think its not to bad but he just wants to have his cake and eat it too…waht he doesn’t realize is just how good he has it with me, and i dont think anyone else will actually put with what i’ve put up with, I love him with all my heart even with all his faults, but i dont know what else to do! another little thing i wanted to add about my grandmother may she rest in peace is that my grandfather did the same thing to her, this was back then, my grandmother had 13 kids and was with him till the day she died, but my grandfather had 4 other kids with another lady that just lived 4 houses down and he said he would never leave my grandmother, they have both passed now but everytime i think of whats happened to me i think of her

    Reply
37. 
    Anonymous
    March 13, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Well if it still doesn’t work out in the end you already have a great start healing from it. You are preparing yourself to be more independent, look better be happier. If he decides to stay, great. Maybe this was his way of trying to express HE doesn’t feel loved anymore. Maybe not though and in that case don’t think all those manicures and facials were for nothing.

    Reply
38. 
    ouch
    March 14, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    anon,
    This is not easy ….to tell you what you dont want to hear but here it goes. There is nothing wrong with you. He has some things he needs to look at within himself and fix. You need to move on. Love is blind, but it is also kind, not self seeking, always trusts, always hopes. You need to love yourself first. It is hard to love oneself when you are totally focused on loving another…all your energy goes to him. Centered on him…all around him….all about him. You feel you cant leave because you feel lost. You dont know where to go, what to do, or who to trust to discuss this with. You are keeping secrets from the family that you love and that alone is taking all your energy and creating a feeling of withdrawal from them. Trust me when I say you dont want to lie to the and create a distrustful feeling with the only support group you have if he leaves again.
    Taking responsibility for our own feelings, pain, and doing what is right even when it feels so wrong is loving yourself. Deep down you know this is wrong but you must face your fear and choose to love yourself. Given that you would have given this advice to your daughter but not exhibit it yourself is a mixed message for her. Most of the time kids will believe your actions over your words.
    “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the very thing you think you cannot do”. Eleanor Roosevelt.
    Good luck to you. Keep your head up high and realize that their are many of us out there who have been right where you are and we are living examples that you will gain strength and everything will be okay.

    Reply
39. 
    Liz
    May 22, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    This is the best advice i’ve gotten in awhile.

    Reply
40. 
    love
    May 26, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    easy n i walk away

    Reply
    • 
      neetu
      May 1, 2010 at 2:47 pm

      I am an Indian woman and married for 3 years. My husband lost his parents when he was 15 years and left in a hostel. There were so many problems in his family in the past (I came to know now only). My husband since the beginning has not been loving and caring for me. In the beginning he used to shout at me a lot. But now he is working upon that thing. I was such a happy go lucky girl who used to keep laughing and make others laugh, but I don’t remember even a single day when I did not cry. My husband doesn’t have any feelings for me. He hurts me emotionally. He doesn’t do anything on special occasions like birthdays or anniversary. He says he does not know what to do. But I put lot of efforts for him. He doesn’t fulfill my requirements. I didn’t receive anything from him, no love, no respect, no feelings, no financial security. We have a daughter also. I really think that separation will be a solution because if I don’t have anyone in my life, I will not have any expectations and won’t be hurt also. But where should I go and what about my daughter’s future? I don’t know how long will i be able to survive like this?

      Reply
41. 
    Debbie
    July 26, 2009 at 10:28 am

    Funny. The worst thing I did was get married just a little under 10 years ago. I wish he’d leave me.

    Reply
42. 
    britt
    November 13, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    I was just reading your advice but to me its hard, very hard. My boyfriend and I had a lot of argument and he finally broke up with me. He told me he doesn’t love me anymore and later on he told me he said that just so I can let him go and he didn’t mean it. Now were friends and I can’t stand to look at him without wanting him more. Were friends but when I ask him if there is an “us” in the future he says maybe. I’m no where close in finding someone else and all I want is him. WHAT SHOULD I DO? I’m a mess and I don’t know what to do. I’m hurt and all I want is him. Do you think he will take me back because the last thing I want to see is him move on with someone else. He still comes up and talks to me. Should I just keep hanging on to him as friends? (Letter significantly corrected to make it somewhat readable)

    Reply
43. 
    Anonymous
    November 30, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    After 11 years my husband comes home and says he’s not happy and he just fell out of love w/ me. I’m 7 months pregnant w/ our 2nd child. He acts like it doesn’t even bother him. He’s just very cold and distant. He was never that way. I thought he may have had a girlfriend at work but nothing. He doesn’t even want to talk about anything he says he’s done. That’s just ridiculious to me. How can someone walk out and just be done after all that time and effort?

    Reply
44. 
    britt
    December 12, 2009 at 4:46 am

    Well hey its me britt again well my boyfriend who I fell in love with has moved on with another girl. He tells me it was a mistake and when I asked if he wanted to be with her forever he said no.. I’m so lost in time I do not know what to do. I have tried to move on but I haven’t found anyone who gets my attention like how he does. He says he sees an us in the future but how do I know he’s telling the truth and I’m so hurt he picked someone over me. I’m really lost and I don’t know what to do. He still has feelings for him but I don’t know how to get him back. I love him so much I wish he never moved on with that other girl. I mean she’s a bit fat and I’m skinny I don’t understand why he picked her over me. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my whole life and in still very young.. What should I do….

    Reply
45. 
    ASY
    December 27, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    I’ve been with my partner for 8 yrs. he’s 4yrs younger and this was an issue to me before I committed to this relationship. I’ve been very vocal yet submissive in all aspects. i enjoy exchanging ideas not knowing he found it as argumentative and confrontational. Now he is very resentful and unhappy. I reassure him with my love everyday; and him the opposite. I have to reassure myself and this is difficult when we are no longer intimate for the past 4yrs. we’ve been so engrossed at work and lost everything that we regarded to as quality time. As a way of self-fulfillment, I gained a lot and now feel so ugly. I enrolled in a gym, eat healthy, reach out to him whenever possible, and serve him as I always did.
    I am willing to change to be able to fix us but he remains cold, indifferent, judgmental, and verbally hurtful. I take responsibility for this change in him bec of what he endured in our initial years together unknowing that I suppressed his emotions and thoughts by raising mine. Everyday is a personal conflict and I am not always strong to have the right perspective.
    I love him.
    He told me to keep our promise to each other… never to let go, but he is taking every opportunity to prove me wrong, selfish, pretentious, a control freak, etc.. I cannot show him my love and end up holding back on him at times bec I was accused of being selfish. He said I do these things to keep him happy so that he will STAY with me. I have never heard this in my entire life and I am lost. We make the life of our partner good bec we love them and it becomes our happiness to see them happy. I never saw it in this light of being selfish. Can we still be saved or is it time to throw in the towel? Bible says to voice out your thoughts and emotions but support on his decision. I this still normal?

    Reply
46. 
    Broken
    January 2, 2010 at 12:24 am

    I appreciate your advice here. I’m surprised to see how easy it sounds, but how hard it seems in my mind that it will work. But I’m at a point in my marriage that I don’t know any other resolution. It’s like when your down to no other options, anything that seem like a glimmer of hope is worth trying.

    I met my husband through a friend of mine. We became the best of friends. We laughed together and spent every moment that we could together. We wasn’t looking to jump into a relationship and agreed on just being friends. We hung out a lot for several months and one day we realized that there was something more there than a mere friendship. We chose to begin a relationship and soon after decided to marry.
    We did really well for a few months but then things started getting crazy. I had to have a hystorectomy a few years before and all of a sudden it’s as if the life change decided to come right after he and I married. It’s crazy and I feel that it’s a bit unfair for both of us, but there isn’t anything a woman can do to make that part of life any less difficult. So, here we are now after a year of marriage and he is telling me that it’s hard for him to love me without us having sex as often as he would like. I have tried to take care of him and show him how much I love him and it’s just not working anymore. I am at the end of my rope, and hearing that he has such a hard time loving me makes things even harder for me emotionally.
    I will give this a try and hope that it will get us through all of this.. I really love him so much!!

    Reply
47. 
    ASY
    January 2, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    Reading the bible may sound corny but it sure helped me get through the roughest times. I suggest you go through PSALMS first and listen to inspirational and instructional guidance through http://www.livingwordcm.com/

    scroll down to the bottom for the different talks that might best suit your need.

    I am not saying it will save your relationship; just that it will give you peace and a better perspective of how life should be.

    asy

    Reply
48. 
    b
    January 4, 2010 at 3:09 am

    Wow, I’m sitting here after about the 4th time in the past few years that my husband said he didn’t love me anymore. SO, after the first time he said that I decided there must be an answer, and God forbid, I would find it and fix it. Oh, I thought it must be my appearance, maybe I’m not as sexy as I was before our baby. So, I joined a gym, lost all of the baby weight and then some. Guess what…he didn’t say a damn thing. After the next few times, SO I thought, maybe he would like the house more organized or more tasty gourmet meals or maybe his clothes laid out for work. EEEEEH! Wrong again. I thought maybe I would quit my career and help him with his lifelong business dream and allow us to get into an amazing amount of debt so he could build his dreamhouse on a lake. EEEEEH! Wrong again. Maybe I would give him more freedom and not be the first one to call everyday and ask how his day is going or ask when he’s going to be home after work. Maybe he needs the choke hold loosened, right? EEEEEEH! Maybe he needs….Ladies I have been there and done that. I have gone around and around always looking at myself and what I did or didn’t have to offer this incredibly fantastic and wonderful man/husband who did nothing around the house, never took me out, never complimented me, forgot my birthday repeatedly unless reminded and oh ya, had an affair with another married woman. And here I was such a FOOL to believe that it was ME who couldn’t be the woman of his dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!! So after this last time, I am finally listening to him. Guess what, HE DOESN”T LOVE ME! He has been trying to tell me that for years but “didn’t want to hurt my feeling.” I told him tonight that I am leaving him with our two children (SOOO hard to do). They are only 2 and 5 (we have been together for nearly 12 years!) I put my career on hold for 10 years for this man, I have no money, no resources….but I decided tonight that enough was enough and that the ultimate crime would be to show our two little daughters that being treated like crap is okay. I would be showing them to keep on loving and changing yourself for a man that emotionally unavailable. I have recently sought therapy with a licensed psychologist who is a Christian and pro-marriage. He told me what has happened is that everytime I was there to make things better or to take care of business for him, or to make it easier for his dreams to come true, I changed from an equal parter to a “mother” role. He said it was at that time that we quit being equal partners and that we became unequal with me in the mother role…thus he is incapable of loving me in an equal way. I TOTALLY understand this logically and it makes sense. The counselor told me I was a co-dependent enabler to a very very selfish person. Wow. He told me that my husband was like a spoiled child with no rules or boundaries. And, the more I did for him the more he wouldn’t love me. Um, I would have thought that to be backwards but hey, what do I know, geesh. He told me that my husband would continue to act out in an affair or act depressed until he got what he wanted which I would make sure that he got whatever made him happy. Damn, I wish someone would have told me this 10 years ago. Well truthfully, I am not an idiot, I chose to ignore red flags of this unbalanced relationship. I just really wanted to always stay married and have a two parent household for our children. I was willing to forget myself to have that. I really thought I could fix it and make him happy. I was willing to stay in an unhealthy relationship so I could have that. Ladies, when it isn’t there it isn’t there. You can try your best to WISH yourself into thinking you have this great marriage or that he LOVES you and the kids. He will SAY that but that is empty talk. Actions speak LOUDER than words….remember that? It’s true, don’t fool yourself, don’t be afraid to be alone or to rethink your life plan. Do get Michele Weiner-Davis Divorce Busting and see what happens. Take care of yourself…even if you are like me, so devoted to your family that you probably wouldn’t be able to pick out your own meals at the grocery store or pick out a movie just for yourself without thinking what everyone else in the household would like. You probably wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if you had free time except roam around Target. I have come to the conclusion that I need to GET A LIFE. It’s all about you and the kids now, get therapy for you and the kids. If you are a co-dependent person then you can’t do this alone. No one expects you to. Being alone now or after the kids grow and leave probably scares the crap out of you. Surround yourself with the best people who can support you in whatever you decide. Even if it means going back to him at some point (which I wouldn’t reccommend but don’t be hostage to anyone else’s opinions as to what you should do), Start rebuilding your life and let the cards fall where they may. You can do this. Write down a plan a start today. YOU are worth it. Hey, wasn’t I pretty great anyway? Now, I don’t have to prove it to him, I have to prove it to myself. Do what you need to do. You know what I’m saying.

    Reply
    • 
      anon
      March 6, 2010 at 10:40 pm

      What is up with these men? What do they have to say for themselves……I know we women have to get on with it (whatever that means for each person) but really WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT! Why bother getting married, having kids, the whole family thing. Do they think it’s a game? That messing with our minds is the right thing to do? That true love is something that meets certain criteria and if any of the criteria isn’t met that then they believe they have rock solid grounds for not loving someone anymore? I think that these men really don’t have a clue in what love really is in the first place. And unfortunately we women end up being the victims to this cluelessness.

      Reply
49. 
    asy
    January 5, 2010 at 7:28 am

    Very well said b!

    The things you said are so so true. Sometimes we’d rather focus the blame on the man but not willing to move on with our lives… good thing that my man turned around after realizing the true effect he had on me and finally aware of what he wants…

    Love is not an emotion… it is a decision. And he decided to keep us 🙂 Praise God!

    asy

    Reply
50. 
    WillandFelsmom
    January 5, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    I was surprised to read a few posts on here that I could have practically written myself. I’ve been married for 10 years and have 2 young children. About a year and a half ago, my husband told me he respected me as the mother of his children but doesn’t love me anymore. Then his cell phone bills started getting really expensive and I found out he was having an emotional affair (on the verge of becoming physical). I was going nuts over this – unable to accept it, and I told my husband one night that whatever he did to stop loving me, I’d find that switch and turn it off too just so I could stop hurting. He said don’t do that, you won’t lose me, we’ll work on things. Turns out he hadn’t stopped talking to her. One night this woman even called me and told me my husband didn’t love me anymore. My husband didn’t like this too much, and finally told her it was over.

    Unfortunately after that, whenever I suggested that we go out just him and I, he said “why?”, and surprise surprise, doing nothing left us in the same position as before and about 4 months ago, I confronted him about his “distance” and he said his feelings hadn’t changed, that he still didn’t love me. He said he’d sleep in his truck so the next few nights he did just that, he’d pick up the kids from school and leave when I got home. A few nights later I woke up in the middle of the night and called his cell. I asked him where he was (for some reason) and he said “you’re asking because you see I’m not parked beside my truck, right”. So I asked again and asked if he was with someone, to which he replied yes. I asked who she was and he said “stop hurting yourself, it doesn’t matter”. I told him I hoped it was worth it and hung up. I felt like my skin was going to just crawl off my body. I had chills. He rushed home and said he had been at a friends’ house and that he was confused and didn’t remember what he said on the phone, that he was half asleep. For months he denied sleeping with her and kept having long phone conversations with her. One night he was going on a motorcycle ride, I knew she was goign to be there, he said he wished he hadn’t invited her but that it was just a motorcycle ride. He gave me money to take the kids to the fair and went on his ride. When he came back I found a motel receipt in his pocket and on it it was written 2 guests. I showed it to him and he said there were lots of people and the girl made a mistake. He got meaner and meaner about it telling me he’d told me the truth and I should leave it alone. Then 4 days later I heard her say she loved him on his voicemail. I found an appartment and moved out. He came over and said he couldn’t afford all the payments for the house and he’d have to give the bank the keys. So I offered to move back in to pay for expenses. He said before I move there’s something he needs to tell me and that in the end it’ll be up to me whether we stay together. He says that I was right about the entire thing and that he’d cut off all communication with her. He slept in the basement and I slept upstairs (still do). He said at first he didn’t feel guilty about what he’d done but a while later it hit him and he cried. He said his father who’s a loser never did anything like that to his mom.

    Well fast forward 3 months later, he still talks to her from time to time (as far as I know) although there are a few things that don’t add up. He said he just wanted to use her to get out of our marriage. He says he still doesn’t love me and he doesn’t expect that to change. Still no efforts have been made on his part and he says he doesn’t want to make any efforts. He calls me names and tells me nobody else will want me and that I can’t take care of the kids. Other times he stops with the insults and tells me that he knows I haven’t done anything to him but he wants to be alone and to be free and that to stay with me would be using me (because I have a good salary).

    My husband is 39 and I believe this is a mid-life crisis from hell but I can’t take much more of this. My children need to come first, sometimes I have no patience with them when they do the littlest thing because of all I’m going through.

    We have alot of common debt and so I can’t just walk away. Would you believe that after 10 years I still look out the window to see if he’s home yet because I like being with him. That’s starting to fade – mostly because he comes home with the worse attitude and because he’s hurt me too much. I’ve spent ten years with a man who has hardly ever said he loved me and who has never voluntarily hugged me or held me in his arms because, as he says, he doesn’t like that stuff. I would say I don’t know what to do but I don’t think there’s much to be done.

    Reply
51. 
    b
    January 9, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Gosh willandfelsmom, I know exactly what you are going through and hurts so much doesn’t it. I you’re like me you feels like a worthless unwanted peice of **** that is so confused and doesn’t understand why her husband would chose something else over your great home and great family. My husband and I actually own a business together, property and have major debt together. I have sought legal counsel and there is a way out. You are worth more than this. When my kids asked my the other day why daddy isn’t coming to live with us, I told them that a happy home is better than an unhappy home and that daddy and I are unhappy together. They still asked why and my answer was “adult stuff” but we are still friends, and we can call or go see him anytime, we will go together to their sporting events, recitals, and birthdays. There will be this short term confusion until they see how this is all going to play out and in the mean time, I am working on myself and my confidence so I don’t feel like scratching his eyes out everytime I see him. We really need to be friends. Don’t stay and create something that’s not there…It will never get better. Good luck.

    Reply
52. 
    mick
    January 10, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Thank you all for your posts. ”asy” reminded me like a boot-in-the-head, ”it is a decision”. I stumbled upon this due to escalating conflict with my wife and a crisis point 2 nights ago. My wife seized upon my ”no, i haven’t been loving you, not for some time now”. She, ”it’s official then, it’s [our marriage] is all over then”. We’ve just notched up 20 years. So what did I mean, ”not loving you”?
    When i proposed i thought ”I’m in love with this woman”, when in fact i was in lust. Some may call it in-fatuated. Before marriage [10 weeks later] i realised that i was not in love, but we had formed a friendship that had mutual signs of respect and support, and i made a decision to love this woman, to support her and be a life partner. My intended and i discussed this within the framework of pre-nuptial counseling and I thought all of this was a shared understanding, but my wife did not remember it this way this morning.
    I have failed to live up to my part of the marriage contract we made, by neglecting to choose to love my wife each and every day. OK, at times she made it difficult, but in neglecting my commitment i was opting out.
    Thank you for sharing. Your stories have made me realise that what i have failed to do has defined my wife’s experience in our marriage and she has reciprocated in kind.
    Btw, i have been faithful and truthful – but i have not honoured her with the attention that reminds her ”you are special in my eyes”.
    Today is a new day. We have talked and new understanding is being created. We agreed to do our best to express the love of Jesus Christ, even when we at times feel abandoned. My wife says we are on the same journey. Yes we are, but in different dodgem-cars.
    Blessings to all for 2010

    Reply
53. 
    Ms. sorry
    February 12, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Hi everyone, after 12 years of separation, the pain is coming back, like when I first find out that my husband was cheating on me with a married woman with 2 daughters. I was 13yrs old when I met my husband we were together for 12 yrs and then got married when I was 25yrs old and had a beautiful premature daughter two yrs after marriage. At first, I thought he can’t accept the fact of my daughters prematurity and I was focusing on my daughter due to her health condition and wasn’t giving much attention to him and that’s the reason he had an affair, but little that I knew……I was wrong! I find out about the affair 3yrs later after the birth of my daughter and confronted him, he said he loves me and that I was the best wife that he can ask for and it was wrong for what he did, but on the other hand he can’t leave the woman, she divorced her husband for him and she done so much for him. I find out that he knew her during the beginning of my pregnancy and she was giving money to my husband to pay for our rent and started a business. I love him so much that I wanted to kill myself, but when that moment came, I started to think of my daughter, this isn’t fair for her, what’s going to happen to her, who we take good care of her, she didn’t ask to come to this world…..I brought her here, so I have to love and care for her and be responsible for her. I tried everything to make him change his mind, but it didn’t work, he won’t leave her but didn’t want to leave us and requested to be with us on Mon, Wed and Friday and the others days with her and my first reply was how bout Sunday with a smile and turn my back on him. It hurt so bad, I thought and thought, cry and cry, was asking myself what did I do wrong, I don’t want to ask him to leave but I love him, so I have to let him free. So the following day I had to leave the house for picking up some work at home stuff and when I came back, my daughter was crying in her high chair and he was piss off and stump bad into his bedroom without saying anything, oh btw we slept in separate rooms for 3 yrs already, cause he claims that he can’t sleep with my daughter monitors on all night ever since she was discharge from the hospital at birth. What happen that night, what did he do to make her cry so bad, then I thought of my daughter this isn’t healthy for her with so much of this arguing and crying around, I don’t want to teach her wrong, that mans can treat us like this and since he is showing unhappiness, I ask myself, do I love him this much to let him free……yes I do, so I requested him to leave the house if he finds happiness with her and told him that I love him dearly and if he ever make up his mind, our door are always open for him, he pack and left and slept over at his store. The first few days, he’ll come back looking at us at the window with tears in his eye and bring us out for dinner and shopping, then 2yrs later he had a son with her and I felt like dieing when he told me that, he did see I was tearing and ask what happen, if I wanted to have another baby. To me I always felt that he is mines and I am his and he will come back one day because we belong together. I thought it over and that I have to let go cause there’s another child involve, so I pick up my feet and say to myself that, it’s his lost, not mines and I will live as happy as can be with my daughter. Through out all this years, he comes and brings us to dinner on and off and calls my daughter every Sunday. It’s been 12 yrs, we’re still not divorce and my daughter’s 15, now that I’m more mature and realized what has happened, little that I knew like mention before I was wrong, it’s my lost, not his, it’s not about our daughter it was about me. I was young, the youngest in my family and his the oldest in his (12yrs different). His like a big brother to me, he taught me a lot of things, but I have no experience with mans, so through out the entire relationship, I was so comfortable with him being there for me and without paying any attention of his need, how I should of love, care, compliment, respect, treasure, and put him to my first priority, I’ve mess up. I hope and pray so bad that I can be given a second change because there were no warning signs. I have no interest in other mans, I still love him and think of him daily. I’ve been crying daily for the past 2 weeks about what I was doing wrong after 12yrs, I am so so sorry, I really want to go and apologize to him and let him know he will be my only love. I don’t want to break his present relationship up for his sons’ sake, but I really want his forgiveness.

    Reply
54. 
    asy
    March 7, 2010 at 12:42 am

    i left him and so far been feeling so light and free after so long. I still miss him of course and I also have to deal with the occassional deprsession attacks but definitely in a better state.

    It is useless to live with a person who constantly makes you question your worth. God did not intend for me to live that way; it was only I who was stubborn to stay on.

    God is with me and my family and hopefully in due time, He will also be with him.

    Asy

    Reply
55. 
    Tasha
    April 5, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    The love of my life has left me, and I did all the things that you said not to do. I was not thinking right. Now it’s too late…how do we make ourselves go on, without this person who was our soulmate, if they don’t come back to us. I have tried moving on for several months, loving myself, doing things, activities…Still he is in my mind and everywhere around me (in my thoughts). I have not been able to move on and everything I do does not have any meaning anymore without him. He was my bestest friend.

    Reply
56. 
    asy
    April 6, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Hi Tasha, after 1.5months of separation I am often sad and still in tears amidst knowing he is not good for me and my family. This is why I can say that the problem is with me now. One day I stumbled across an article on-line that went something like… you control your own happiness. Your emotional state is dependent on how you say it should be and not on another person – especially not that guy. He is gone so move on – life and happiness is how you define it to be so stop making it him. You need to do this for yourself. People have various reasons for getting into a relationship and obviously he was not committed to you. Maybe what you need to do now is ask for God’s help. Tell him how much you want to feel better and pray that he helps get through this ordeal. I will pray for you just as I do for myself. This is not the time to give up – We can do this!

    🙂

    Reply
57. 
    Tasha
    April 7, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    Hi Asy, thank you so much for your comment. Yes, I know that it is up to me, and my happiness is within myself. It has been several months, and I have done everything possible including seeing a psychologist and trying to myself happy. The problem is that I also do not have any family, noone, and I just feel that he was the only family I had and the only person who has ever known really known me and understood me. I have prayed to God also, every day, several times. But maybe if we keep praying and keep praying for each other it will help us more. I will pray for you also. Thank you again so much for your response. This is life and it’s so hard right now.

    Reply
58. 
    Tasha
    April 7, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Another thng that I feel is that it is all my fault and if I did not push him to commit to me we would still be together. I feel that I made him leave.

    Reply
    • 
      asy
      April 8, 2010 at 9:21 pm

      Come on! I too think, feel, that way – – – and he said it so himself. It all boils down to him not loving you enough to stay with you. This is how it is. I bet you would take him with all his imperfections right? so why should you settle for less and worse, blame yourself for this? What you did was right by letting go. Let him explorethe world knowing that he lost your love – – – your unconditional love. Hopefully, if he is indeed the right one for you, he’ll find his way back. In the meantime, I don’t think its health to splice & dice what happened. It will just keep you stuck. try to engage in other activities and make new friends. This is what i am doing now and still i will say it is hard but it helps to know what moves you forward and what keeps you stuck. Keep the faith! Asy

      Reply
59. 
    Badcat
    May 12, 2010 at 7:18 am

    I’ve read a lot of the posts here and they have made me feel a little better.
    I have been married for 10 years to a very good man. He is in the Air Force. About 5 years ago he was deployed to Baghdad, and he came home a completely different person.
    Being stupid, we got a house together despite the signs that things were not the same between us.

    He has grown more and more distant, though he still wants affection and sex, he does not really reciprocate. For the last two years I had been blaming myself for all of this. And I did make a lot of mistakes in the beginning. But I have changed as well, and changed for the better in my opinion.

    We finally had a talk a few days ago before he left for his two week tour. He admitted that his feelings for me are gone. But he does not know if it is post traumatic stress disorder or if we have just grown so far apart we are not compatible anymore.

    I still love him very much, and am IN love with him as well, but this time instead of ignoring reality, I faced it, faced the fact that he no longer loves me, let it in, and the grief has been great.

    He wants to try to get diagnosed for PTSD before we do anything. But my gut feeling tells me that it is not PTSD that is the problem. Unfortunately I don’t have any money of my own. I am looking for a job right now. I will have to stay here in the house until I have enough money to move out.

    In the meantime I have moved all my belongings into the spare bedroom and a friend is bringing me a mattress to sleep on. My husband doesnt’ know I have done this yet and I know he will be upset that I won’t sleep with him (WHY would he think I would sleep with someone who does not love me?) I am hoping we can live peaceably as roommates for a few months, become friends, while I unravel my life from his.

    I must admit, that I am terrified. For ten years my life has been about being here for him and his son from a previous marriage (whom I did not adopt, I am thankful to say) and I had nothing else in my life. My family are all dead and I am alone.

    How do I conquer this fear, and not cave in and stay? He will want me to stay, because he needs someone to take care of things when he goes on his military duty. But I won’t be used and I won’t stay to make his life more convenient.

    Reply
60. 
    Hurtjustlikeyou
    May 26, 2010 at 12:23 am

    So many people with the same story, same pain. Why do we do this to each other? My husband, my BEST FRIEND, hurt me in the same way as described by many here. He was the kindest, funniest, truly NICE person. He was the rock of my life, the ONLY thing I could count on. So to say it was shocking, is an understatement.

    My question is, WHY do people do this to one another? Especially to someone who at least at some point, was considered “good enough” to “spend the rest of my life” with? This cruelty that people show one another, is so sad. Is that what humans are like, deep down: selfish, cowardly? If you don’t feel “in love” anymore, why do you assume it’s the other person’s fault? Why do you not have the courage to face yourself, find the true problems and solve them (with your spouse’s support)?

    Marriage is sacred. The vows are not just words, they should hold meaning. If one gets married simply because one feels “in love”, then what happens when the “love” fades? Even worse, is it worth sacrificing your spouse, children, for “what might be” with the other woman? Why not work with what you have already, make it even better than before, instead of jumping into another relationship blindly? What is wrong with the world?

    Reply
    • 
      Anonymous
      July 24, 2010 at 11:45 pm

      I know exactly what you are saying. My husband said he is unhappy after 14 years and said he’s “always felt it” whats that supposed to mean? Now he wants a divorce and leave me with a 2 and 11 year old sons to raise by myself. I also thought he was better than that, apparently not. He just told this to me 2 weeks ago and I am still in shock, but it is setting in, I need to know more than “I am unhappy” got to be more to it than that.

      Reply
61. 
    flower
    June 22, 2010 at 4:28 am

    Hello there
    It’s amazing to see how many woman in the same situation, it’s like a contagious disease
    I am in the same situation than you ladies, a husband who doesn’t care much if it not at all, with two childreen, anyway. Here it’s what I think, life is too good and too short to be waisted in a toxic, negative relationship. Life is just to precious to cry everyday, It’s not worth it, we should run for our life, for a peaceful and happy life, after all we all deserve a good life particully our childreen.
    the problem it’s fear; we are afraid to leave because we don’t know our future but with a strong faith everything should be fine. Nothing happen for nothing, trust me!
    just MOVE ONE!!! Don’t close the book just turn the page for a new chapter, a new beginning with confidence. Those kind of men are very selfish and insecure.
    I would like to add one more thing, look for your own happiness which mean do not wait for someone else to give you happiness, to be happy it’s up to you!
    Gos bless you all.

    Reply
    • 
      sophie
      June 24, 2010 at 7:58 pm

      Flower you are so right . Its all fear because my marriage is not working out very well but im afraid and i feel like its all my fault . I hide my feelings from my family a lot because i feel like im the reason that my husband does not love me anymore and i feel like everyone can see right through me . It has made me loose a lot of self esteem and i wonder what my future has to hold for me .

      Reply
62. 
    Emily
    June 26, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Thank you.

    Reply
63. 
    Shara
    July 6, 2010 at 8:34 am

    This article is entitled ” Best things you can do if your HUSBAND says he doesn’t love you.” I’ve been in that situation, jumped through all the hoops and felt all the anguish, fear, self doubt, loneliness and all the other tortures of the heart that the posters above expressed.

    I read each one of the stories of women suffering torment due to a man deciding he didn’t love them anymore and I wonder now….what if we changed the word “husband” for “friend” or “sister” or “brother”?

    Would we even consider allowing anyone other than someone in a romantic relationship to treat us so unkindly, selfishly, coldly day after day and still continue to want them around and be willing to put up with humiliation, pain, emptiness, hopelessness, fear and loneliness just to keep them around for another day?

    I don’t think I would, and realizing this, I am going to try to apply it to my current troubled relationship. If he doesn’t love me enough to treat me with kindness and consideration then I need to accept that the relationship we once had is over and that the one we have now is unhealthy and unhappy and move on.

    Reply
    • 
      Naomi
      October 16, 2010 at 3:28 am

      Sometimes we have to open our eyes while in the situation at the time. I had a chance to do him bad before he got the best of me and didn’t take up on the opportunity. Meaning that if you time first, men will sometimes adore you and knowing how close to let them in, is more than a notion. I believe that men seem to like the games playing with your emotions back and forth. Because when they are not done with you they come at you and get in but when they are done, they sleep around and no matter how much they say that they are a good man, they turn bad at one point. When they want what they want, they go for it and expect you to let them back in. So if you know that your relationship is failing and he comes back; then give him a hard time and he will appreciate it. Men seem to like when you play hard to get! You cant play it too far but just enough that makes him think that he is not all that! I cannot say this is fall apart proof but I remember that it worked for me because they do not like to feel like you got over on them.

      Reply
64. 
    april
    July 7, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    my husband left me and my 5yo boy two days ago to be with his other woman. before her there has been 2 other affairs in the course of one year. i caught him with the first one and he chose to end that and try to work it out with me. it was difficult and there was too much hatred and coldness coming from him. but i saw that he tried and things were ok for a couple of months. then in october he got another girl. the signs were all there but i ignored everything. he stopped that one on his own. probably because he met this third woman, whom he loves very much and has been moving mountains for just to be with her. they spent weekends together, on vacation, and almost every night he was with her for many months. he told me lies about all these outings.. going out to jog, drink with friends, trip out of town to work, etc. i knew he was lying but sometimes i wouldnt confront him just to keep the peace. sometimes i did and he would just deny things. finally i confirmed the affair and showed him the evidence. i threw him out and took him back and threw him out and took him back a few times.. several reasons: he misses his son, his son misses him, he doesn’t have money yet to get his own place, i took pity, etc. the main thing was, i asked him to give our family another chance (it was me who asked, despite what he did), but he refused. he said it will never work out because we have been married almost 13 years and we couldnt make things work. so he said, based from experience, it’s a vicious cycle. and so he didnt want to work things out anymore and kept seeing the other woman.. their relationship is deeper now (they have a joint bank account, he borrows her car, she lends him money, her daughter knows him, he spends a lot of time at her house, they go on trips as “family” out of town, etc.) i know he loves her and she loves him. so finally first week of july i said get out of my life and i dont want to see you again. he misses his son with me and is guilty for hurting me, but couldnt let the girl go because of his love for her. oh and he hurt me physically three times in the last year, a couple of times it was bad. he also gave me an infection from the first girl.

    anyway right now i am feeling both relief and immense sadness. for my son, who will be missing a lot of would-be family moments with me and his father. my son loves his father very much. i also cry because i thought we had it good and i thought he really loved me.. right now my husband is making huge money and he spends a lot of it on his girl and her daughter. he gives me enough for tuition and rent but it comes with a lot of words like how he worked hard for it, etc. just to be able to give us that money. i am now trying to look for work so i could move out of this place which holds so many bad memories. if it were just me i wouldnt let him see our son anymore because he abandoned us. but my son will be devastated. so we are arranging something. it just hurts so much, i gave him the best years of my life (22 to 36 yo) and i tried to give him what he asked for so our relationship could work out. but still he got another woman. and the other night he texted that even if the other women weren’t there, he still wouldn’t want to live with me. which hurt like hell. i am in pain because i get nightmares and nights are specially lonely. i often cry myself to sleep or wake up at dawn just to think and cry and feel sorry for myself and my son. and while im suffering i know he is happy, out there with his new “family” on a vacation or hanging out together and spending all the money he’s making which he should have spent on us his real family. they are so happy now, and i am miserable here at home and that just sucks.

    Reply
65. 
    casey
    August 13, 2010 at 3:03 am

    Why are men such jerks? My husband is having an affair with a married woman. His colleague. They started about 6 months ago and he told me he feel in love with her and he just cannot let her go. I wanted to divorce, but what about our son? I do not want our son to grow up without a father. But then again, to grow up with an immoral father? I am just so lost right now.

    Before her, our marriage and sex is not great but I do not think it is that bad. So why does he have to look for another woman? Yes, we all have our own share of problems, but when he husband does not give her attention, she look for my husband? And my husbnd fall for such a woman with no integrity and a mother who does not think of her children? And yes, she has 3 kids.

    I cannot understand how can he even fxxx her? She fxxx her husband and my husband fxxx her. Don’t he feel dirty? I can understand if she is single but a married woman with 3 kids?

    Appreciate if someone could enlighten me on this. I want him back, but can I really forgive him?

    Reply
66. 
    Eugenia Jones
    September 6, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    I needed to read this today

    Reply
67. 
    Sarah
    October 3, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    I am willing to try anything at this point to save my marriage. I never knew anything was wrong until three weeks ago when he said he loved me but not the way he use to. Of course I was distraught and spent days crying and asking what I had done only for him to become more upset with me. Hope this works!

    Reply
68. 
    Naomi
    October 16, 2010 at 3:09 am

    What to do if he away from has pulled from you and being cold and with another women? The dust hasn’t cleared and he has been with a woman who is related to an in-law and out of town but she plans on relocating to the city. When I text him about his mail etc. he is short or rude and tell me we are done and can be friends but he isn’t very friendly. He is with a whorish woman who has slept with his sibling and other family guys. His older sister is doing her best to keep them hooked up and doing a good job since it is her sister-in-law. He seems to be siding with her and cursing out his other sister who is close to me. I have said some bad things to him to him to be revengeful – all by text; he will not talk to me on the cell. Do you think he is forever gone? And if this other women is a temporary fix for his feeling confident when he didn’t get it from me? He has been warned that this girl is no good and she has been stating that they are getting married in 3 weeks of being with him. I feel that he is a goner because most likely he has slept with her and no telling what he has contacted sexually? Could we be just friends with all this gone down? How do I keep him from being mean to me after 15 years/second break-up even if we didn’t marry?

    Reply
69. 
    myhiddenpassion
    October 23, 2010 at 12:47 am

    thanks for the good advice..maybe you’re right..i just need to love myself more….

    Reply
70. 
    AmyElly
    November 5, 2010 at 11:39 am

    These comments and stories have been very helpful and encouraging to me. It’s nice to realize that I’m not alone.

    I have been married for 9 nine years. We have a daughter (2yrs) and a 5 mo old son. During my pregnancy with my son, I noticed my husband getting distant and he stopped saying I love you. I said it to him all the time, but he never said it back. It was a rough pregnancy, had to bedridden in the last trimester and rushed to the hospital for a week. I remember after my son was born by emergency c section, he just was there but on his cell, texting, not emotionally there. When I came home 4 days later, I remember putting my son down to bed and my husband was like, well, I’m going to bed and I said wait! Kiss me goodnight! He just rolled his eyes and looked like he was kissing a toad.

    I just knew something was wrong. So when my son was 2 months old and I had the energy to have a conversation, I had a huge conversation and asked why he wasn’t affectionate anymore, was I a rebound from his first girlfriend, just what’s going on! His response was, I want a divorce. I was shocked!! I mean, I knew there were issues but not divorce! I said what about counseling?? We just started talking about our issues! He said that he’s done. Doesn’t love me anymore, that he fell out of love with me while I was preggo!! Seriously?? I’m sorry, how selfish is that! He said he thinks that I don’t love him! What the F!! I gave birth to his son, love his family, love his friends, raise our kids, clean, cook, let him go out constantly with his friends. I’ve been a great wife over the years! He just said he’s done with my family and me. My family is a just different (he just has a mindset that his fam is perfect) than his but they are mine. After begging hours later, he said in order for us to work, I would have to cut off my family forever and change. If he loved me, he would love my family. He would love me for me, not asking me to change. And change what? This is me, I’m not this person he is wanting – this aggresive person. I’m just a sweet, easy-going girl. He wants me to prove my love to him. I love him! I don’t want a divorce, shouldn’t he be proving his love to me since he said he didn’t love me?? I’m so confused. I love my family and I will not cut them off forever. He needs to accept all of me. I have given up my life for him, gave up my job, moved to his city/state that he was born and raised in, go to his church, go to all his family functions with a smile on my face. When he went to my family functions, he came with a grunt and just sat there like a lump. So annoying and embarrassing! I would just make excuses for him to my family, oh, he’s not feeling well, had a hard day at work, couldn’t sleep last night, but I can only make up so many excuses for his behaviour. We are still trying to work things out but this sucks! I can’t help thinking everyday, that he wanted to leave me. I just told him, I wanted to know if he is going to stay or leave. I hate this limbo. But he just told me, nothing is set in stone. How do I go on, how I do ‘prove my love’ and go thru all this effort and he doesn’t stick around in the end. I just don’t want to get hurt if he actually leaves, I just wish he would jsut love me! Want see my parents, grab and kiss me, bring me flowers. But alas, he does none of that, and hasn’t done that in a looooong time. 😦 I love him, and he is a good dad, although he works 6 days a week and goes out a lot with his buddies on his time off. Just hard….

    Reply
71. 
    Sweet Relief
    December 5, 2010 at 4:49 am

    ((((Hugs))) to everyone that has posted here in the last few years.

    After reading every single post, I now feel ready to make the decision to leave my partner. I realize more clearly then ever between your posts and an unbelievably turbulent day that he is emotionally abusive. He and I have been together for 5 years and he has mood swings (every few months) of wanting to be in and out of our relationship. He’s never cheated (to my knowledge) but he withholds love, affection and attention and then when I eventually get angry about it, he says that that’s the reason he wants to leave. Passive aggressive, mind games. I don’t even care anymore. I now realize that I should not be fighting for something that he doesn’t value. He is arrogant and a Harvard business school student so he believes the world is his. He mocks me, talks to me in condescending ways, is as sweet as pie around his school mates but behind closed doors can be nasty, petty, selfish, stingy, dismissive, vindictive, rude, and evil spirited. He has no problem telling me no but demands so much from me! He is attractive, charismatic and ambitious but mostly I was reluctant to leave because I felt bad for him. I always made excuses for his rude, childlike behavior because I told myself that he didn’t realize that he was behaving so cruelly. I even told myself that he could not count on his parents as a child and that I would be the one to show him what real love looks and feels like. Wow, what was I thinking…better yet DRINKING?! I have convinced him many times over that WE love each other and are meant to be together. How ridiculous is this? You need someone else to lay out the relationship value proposition for you in order for you to stay? Double Wow. I always wondered what would happen if I kept up this “trying-to-be-the-strong-woman-that-holds-it-all-together-act”. Would he eventually come around? Would he finally love me the way I love him?

    We have LOTS of great times together but I think I am ready to go. Reading all of your posts just showed me that at the 10-15 year mark I will probably end up having the same conversation with him and experience the same shock that you all did because his heart was never fully committed to us forever. Sure he loves me and I love him but one thing I’ve learned is that just because you love/care about a person does NOT mean that you respect them. This will be the hardest thing I’ve EVER done but I will rely on each woman’s strength I am so proud to read about in these posts. See you on the other side LADIES!!! Moving back to NYC to finish living the life I was meant to.

    You are all beautiful and I would like you to take a moment to really think about this…. You are already ARE! You think you should be more attractive, smart, pleasant, sassy, sexy, strong? Well, you already are! Let it shine through. You are unique and special because God has only endowed the world, since the beginning and to the end of time, with one YOU. Only you can offer the world the special gift that is you because no one has shared, learned from and processed all of the experiences you have exactly in the way that you have. I am glad that our paths crossed and you have definitely made my life better as a result. Thank you all for your wisdom and honesty, vulnerability, and beauty by words.

    Reply
72. 
    Yasmin
    January 3, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Hi everyone
    I stayed up tonight reading everyone stories and my story is kind of the same. I am 25 years old and he been married for 3 years now and i have a beautiful baby girl who is 15month old. Me and my husband have not been getting a long for while now because he never really worked and did anything for himself when i realised is not going to get a job or do anything i want back to uni and told him to look after the baby while i study i also got me driving license. I felt good and in control of my life, so to cut the story short i could not depend on him. I stopped all the nagging and telling him what he needs to do and just got on with my things. As time want pass he started to be distinct and started to sleep the the spare bedroom. One day he told me he is not in love with me and he is been thinking a lot about this and we should both move on with our lives. I was in shock but i still acted normal and want to my classes like everything normal. Three weeks ago we had a small argument which was not even that big and he took some of his clothes and just left. i cried and cried every night and told his mother and sister everything they said this is not like him he loves his family why would he do that. he comes everyday and sees his daughter and buys shopping for the house like everything is normal tries to talk to me like everything is OK. I cried and asked him why are you doing this to me i am a good wife who always put your feeling first and stopped telling you to get a job, i never ask anything from you apart from being my husband and loving me. i am really confused i don’t if he is sad and depressed about himself, i don’t no if he is seeing someone else which i find it hard to believe because he is here most day he just doesn’t sleep here he says he is living with a friend near by. He keeps on saying really hurtful things like i am not in love with and all i want is my daughter to be in my life and i need to move on. today i came from his mother house and his whole family was there talking to him saying why you doing this. breaking your home and your family. i find it easy some days and i pray and ask god to guide me and help me and easy my pain but some days i just end up crying. i baby is learning how to walk and i feel that i cannot enjoy baby development it kills me knowing that and we are on this early stage of our marriage and he is saying things like this. Is like he is blaming me for the way his life is turn out to be all i did is support him in any way i could. I grow up with a single parent and that is not good in a way even thou my mother did well on her own i always wished my mother and father were together so i knew what to expect from a man like a role model. I still love him and want to try everything i can to make it work but i feel like he is searching for something his family are telling me to be patient with him and he we come around and say sorry. If that is how he feels then is there a point of me seating and waiting for him to come around. I really don’t no what to do i am so stressed out and doing my last year of university and i cannot be dealing with this right now. i use to be a very happy and fun gal and i use to size 8 or 10 before but now i am like size 16 and put on a lot of weight i no i am a really pretty girl but right now i feel ugly and worthless. I feel so sad all my friends are with someone that really loves them and some of my friends are getting married themselves it just hurt knowing i am in this situation. I no he is so lucky to have me but i feel like i could of done more. i don’t no i am just confused and hurt at the moment…

    Reply
    • 
      elle
      April 28, 2011 at 2:50 pm

      I’m so sorry, Yasmin! I know you say you love him, but he’s a jackass. You love the ghost of what you thought was a good relationship. It is natural that you feel saddened and depressed. But its going to get better. If you can, please find someone to talk to. I have to honestly tell you, if he is not sleeping at your home, he probably is seeing someone else. You can’t see it now, but you are lucky. He is an idiot and you only wasted 3 years. You’re young, and beautiful and have time to find someone else. I wasted my best child-bearing years on an abusive idiot for 7 years before I got out. Now I am happily married to someone who cherishes me. Take care of yourself and your little girl. Good luck to you.

      Reply
73. 
    chey
    February 25, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    well ive tried the above n it doesnt work

    Reply
74. 
    Vicki
    March 1, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Did all that. He left anyway.

    Reply
    • 
      elle
      April 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm

      Good riddance. Now you’re free to find someone who truly loves you. There are literally hundreds of people we could love in this world, so he’s not that special is he? If someone doesn’t want you, you don’t want them. Simple. Another thing I will say, men are simple. If he says he doesn’t want you, he means it. If he does want you it’s obvious. Either way you should be concentrating on you. Like one lady says “build your fortress.” It should never be ALL about him by any means. Not to say you don’t love or treat with respect, but don’t neglect the most important person in your life. I learned this the hard way. And now that the chump is out of your life, you have an opportunity to pamper yourself and be the person you want to be.

      Reply
75. 
    Happiness
    March 16, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Girls,
    Based on my experience, you can rely only on yourself these days. Men come and go. The best thing you can do is to build “your fortress.” Although I got married 3 months ago, I have already started thinking about what happens if he goes. There are some signs that I do not like. By “your fortress” I mean your financial stability/independence, your education, your career, your relatives, and your health. You must invest in yourself first!!! Your husband should be your temporary cash flow that may or may not disappear eventually. It is nice to have him around, but you will survive without him just fine! YOU are the only person who can make YOU happy, not your husband. Do not get me wrong: I love my husband at least at this point. He loves me for now too. BUT things change, with kids or without kids. Most women with kids will think twice before having an affair. A lot of men will do it in a heartbeat especially if there are no immediate repercussions. This is a sad reality! My ex-fiance did. My father did it. My two aunts’ husbands did it. My sister’s first husband did it. My closest friends’ husbands did it. Why should I be different? Why should you be different?

    So, every day think about your fortress and how you can make it stronger. I do! Hugs!

    Reply
76. 
    LIMA
    April 9, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE TOO SCARE TO MOVE ON,,AND THINK NO ONE ELSE WILL LOVE ME,,I KNOW HE DOESNT LOVE ME FOR FACT BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT I WILL DO WITHOUT HIM,,IF HE LOVES ME HE WOUDLNT HURT ME THE WAY HE HURTS ME,,,I BEENN MARRIED TO HIM FOR FOUR YEARS N NEVER DID HE SAID TO ME HE LOVES ME,,WHAT SHOULD I DO?

    Reply
77. 
    keenloo
    April 16, 2011 at 5:22 am

    Strong women of this world,thank you.I’m from south africa a single mother of a one month beautiful boy,his father used to love so much before iwas pregnant therez nothing he wont do for me.he wanted a baby with so much but ididnt cos I was busy trying to build a life for myself 1st but I fell preggies-i love my son.his father proposed traditionally to my family n promised to marry me.he wasunavailable through out the pregnancy saying iwas acting irrationally bcos of my hormones.after the baby was born he was around but wanted to give our son his last name but my family refused as I wasn’t married n he had promised to marry me so now if he wants the last name what is he saying about me?I wanted t give him the last name but I also didn’t want to defy my family.he was unavailable emotionally n physically so I ended things@for the 100th time.but now I want him back,I want things to be the way they used be when loved each other.he says that me begging him to come is unattractive n that he will come back when he wants t. He says that if I move on he doent care.after reading all there posts I feel liberated, but its hard cos my son hasn’t had a chance to have a family at all he has walked into an emotionally broken mothe.his a good father but I just wish he wooing?d come back.

    Reply
78. 
    sally
    April 20, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    Wow this is somethin i needed to hear. Thanks 🙂

    Reply
79. 
    elle
    April 28, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    I absolutely agree with this. I was dating my now husband for five years and I wanted to get married and move things forward. I mentioned once that I was not going to play house forever and if that was his plans then I would be making alternate plans. I didn’t say I’m leaving you or when or what my plans would be. Most importantly, I did not bug him about it. I went on with my business, pampering mystelf, etc. Then one day he just proposed. The rest is history. : ) Not saying that a man who says he doesn’t want a woman anymore will come around, just that its his decision what he wants to do. Why argue?

    Reply
80. 
    Heart Broken
    May 6, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    I’ve been married for 4 months. A month ago, I caught my husband talking to some woman on the phone. I talked to her and she said she didn’t know that he was married,I still don’t know what happened between them. But there was definitely something going on. The problems may have started way before but I didn’t notice until the day after we got married. The day after we got married he was telling me that he was telling people at our wedding that they should never get married. And that’s all I’ve been hearing for the past four months. How it might be a mistake, but he still loves me and wants to work it out. Before getting married we were happily dating for 4 years and living together for 3 years. We talked about everything, getting married, having children. Now he doesn’t know if we made a mistake or if he wants to have kids and the worst part is that he knows he loves me but he doesn’t know what kind of love it is. What’s a girl to do? We don’t have children so I thought I could easily leave and not look back. The truth is that I love him, I gave 100% of myself. .So I’ve stayed and started to see a therapist.And I wanted to write what she’s told me because it has really helped me and may help you when you are in a desperate situation, like most of you are. She said if you want to stay, OWN IT. Don’t fight about things. In a neutral tone state the facts. Example, “You say you love me but when I called that girl she said she had a relationship with you for two weeks”. When you get overwhelmed, take a bath, put your whole body under water except for you nose, listen to your heartbeat, hug yourself and tell yourself that you love yourself. Right now you feel abandoned and unloved, so this will make you feel like you are a child in the womb, getting the nurture and love that you desperately need right now. When you find yourself going crazy, close your eyes and imagine yourself turning the volume down of the radio. This will calm your anxiety. And remember to breath, 10 seconds of breath in, hold it for 3 and release. Ask him to go to couples counseling and try to work it out. That’s where I am right now. I’ll keep you posted on the progress. Try these things along with praying and I promise you… you will get through the day. 1 day at a time.

    Reply
81. 
    Anonymous
    June 7, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    EXCEPTIONAL ADVICE!!!!!!!! ❤ It only took me one day of following your words… My husband apologised for the way he has been acting-he is scheduling an appointment to speak to a phsycologist to help him understand why he got the way he did. Last, but definitely not the least- he pulled me close to him-hugged then kissed me, and said,"Babe, Im sorry for putting you through this bull-you don't deserve to be treated this way, and I love you!" Yeayyy. Hopefully this is a turning point. Thank RS.

    Reply
82. 
    PRF
    June 9, 2011 at 1:37 am

    Thank you for confirming my decision to do exactly what you said! I hope other women will take this advice to heart. Begging, crying and acting pathetic may keep in him around a little longer but it won’t MAKE him love you! Does any woman want her husband to stick around not knowing if he loves her? I’d rather live with my cats than live with uncertainty. I believe that roping and hog-tying a husband into staying is wrong because ” Stockholme Syndrome isn’t love and your husband may grow to hate you; and even worse, you’ll no longer have any of his respect!!!

    Reply
83. 
    Anna
    June 23, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    Thank you for the advice Ann ! I’m normally a happy go lucky person and this doesn’t bother him in the least bit. We have been married 40 plus years and approx 29 years without sex or any kind of intimacy. We changed our living habits years ago, we are apartment dewellers. I have the upper level of our house and he has the lower level. My husband built a small apartment down stairs, he has a kitchen, bathroom and a bedroom. Plus his work shop is there also, and he is more interested in that shop than me. We both have part time jobs and we don’t work the same days so we aren’t home to much together. It sounds like a terrible marriage and for me it is, for him he’s happy with the arrangement. I can only assume he doesn’t love me and I’m Ok with that as long as we stay apart.

    Reply
84. 
    Amanda
    July 2, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    After reading all of these truly emotional and upsetting stories, here is mine. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and together for 20. Last week, he came home and said he didnt love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He had apparently been thinking about this for a long time as he had things all worked out he just needed my agreement on everything from division of assets to joint custody. Our appointment with the lawyer is July 11th. At first I cried all the time and as the days go by it has gotten easier. We have 2 minor children together and when I think of their future and everything we had planned together I get angry. How can he want to be with other women? How can he want to do everyday things with somebody else and not me? We have been together for so long that like other couples we have settled into a routine and he says he is tired of that. He wants to be happy and in that new love phase and we cant go back to that. I personally think he is going through a mid life crisis but he doesnt think so. He went out last year and bought a motorcycle and has been going to they gym everyday and out to clubs with his friends on weekends. All of his friends are either divorced and make it look wonderful or they want to be and complain about their wives. I am so confused. I cant make him love me and that is why I agreed to go to the lawyer with him. He still lives in our home and sleeps in our bed and wants to have sex with me. So what can I do to keep us together? He says his mind is made up and things will be easier if our divorce is amicable and we dont have to fight it out in court. Any words of wisdom?

    Reply
85. 
    Anonymous
    July 6, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Great advice. So true. I did it for one weekend only, after 2 months of my husband wanting a divorce, and voila, he came running back. Now, he is the one begging for a relationship, and I am the one not sure..lol. Of course, I am sure, but you have to make him beg a bit 😉 So, after all my yelling, crying, screaming, I switched and was independent. Got my hair done, looked good, was happy, and most of all was NOT at his disposal (yes I ignored all his calls for a whole weekend). He freaked out and came back home 😉 I am looking at him across the sofa as we speak right now 😉
    So be cool, and take a distance, do not call him. But, do support him, be nice, kind, sexy, funny, if you get a chance to spend time with him- no crying, or begging – please please please look good, happy. Also, keep on telling him you do want a relationship, and not ready to give up, but maintain your dignity. Always remember, “it will always be fine” whatever happens. Time is the best healer.

    Ah! saying that I did scream and shout at the start of his outbursts, and that did 2 things, – 1) make him run away 2) feel sorry for me. He said he hated seeing me in pain. (remember after I got over the crying, I started to ignore him and be cool- then he came back)

    So I guess a combination of everything, got his emotions going. There is no right formula, but do trust your instinct and judgement, it got you to who you are today, and yes you are wonderful!!!

    Love,
    Roxanne

    Reply
86. 
    Anonymous
    July 6, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Amanda. I think if he is still there he does love you. He is going through a phase right now. I went through the same thing as you. I say try to enjoy the moments with him, and do the thungs he is now interestd in. Make him see that you can also have fun and break the routine. As the initial advice given, remain independant and not at his disposal. Try to do your own things and let him see you happy (also give him a chance to meet you). Go on holiday, and tel him you are leaving, but dont give details..for a couple of days, and dont call him while away. when you are with him, just be cool about everything…and one last thing do guard your heart

    Reply

Trackbacks

1. Best advice (thumbs up!) « Just another Weblog
   January 29, 2008 at 5:48 am
2. 2010 in review | Rod Smith
   January 2, 2011 at 9:35 am

Leave a Reply to Anonymous Cancel reply

Enter your comment here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Email (Address never made public)

Name

Website

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s

Notify me of new comments via email.

Notify me of new posts via email.

Δ