Adult son will not accept my new wife….

by Rod Smith

“I would like to reconcile with my son (30). He has children of whom I am very fond. Some years ago his mother and I were divorced after many years and my relationship with my son immediately thereafter seemed fine. A year after the divorce I met a woman and we married a year later. It appears that he does not want to be disloyal to his mother and does not accept my wife as my “primary relative.” He withholds the pleasure of my grandchildren from me. I have tried to reconcile. Are there some basic guidelines I can follow? (Letter shortened)

Your son apparently fails to see that loyalty to a father and accepting a father’s new wife does not necessitate disloyalty to his mother. He would, were he planning for the healthiest long-term outcomes for his children, regard embracing you, your new wife, and his mother, as absolutely essential.

His confusion expressed toward you, I’d suggest lies embedded in unresolved issues with his mother. If he can’t appropriately define himself with her, relating to your “new” family will cause him much discomfort. Issue your son a “here I stand” challenge. I will write more about this tomorrow.

8 Comments to “Adult son will not accept my new wife….”

  1. I have a simular story, but I am the widow woman dating the older widow man and it is a daughter who plays these games in my significate others life. I feel he makes excuses for her. We have dated for 13 years now. We won’t marry for many reasons, but this is probably his main reason his daughter and the grandchildren would be kept away. After 13 years I admitt it is hard to let go, but when issues arrises I pull away because I do not feel he is capable (jsut does not want to) the the Here I Am Stand. Should I be turning away? I am 46 he is 75, I love him. But I am begining to have fears. What if he dies? I feel I will be treated like trash. I have in the past. Sometime I think if I were able to leave now that it would save me some type of greif I would not be able to get over in my future. Its aweful feeling confused at age 46. All I do know is that I love him.

  2. Thanks for your wonderful insight, as with any form of life changing events we should always study and look for the right solutions and follow our hearts… and it is never to late to say “I am sorry” for anything! Healing takes time, but worth it when you can forgive others.

    Thanks again,


  3. Thanks Howard, and may you be a source of encouragement to all whom you love…..

    I’d suggest you go ahead and take the risks life is demanding of you.

    Rod Smith

  4. I am on the other side of this – the “estranger”, I guess, and in my case, a “here I stand” letter would not settle the issue or elicit my sympathy or confidence … Two years ago, my father (historically emotionally/mentally abusive to the family, as well as physically to me) walked out on a 30 year marriage, leaving my sister (15) and brother (10). He moved across town, without announcing his intentions or paying adequate or consistent child support. He also refused to go to counseling, even though his job (minister) required it. For religious reasons my mother would not seek restitution or a divorce. He led everyone to believe he was “working on it”, and I allowed him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, last summer (closure, for me). A week after my wedding, he served mom with divorce papers, moved to a faraway state, and four months later announced he’d just been married and invited us children (I have 3 adult siblings) to “be happy” for him and visit his new family. He did not say any of these things in person, only by emails to all of us except mom. I wrote him back to say that given his behavior, I and my husband don’t want him to have any future part of our family’s life. My original family still has sporadic contact with him, and are still left hanging emotionally. For me, it’s not a question of loyalty, but of principle. While I do think psychological forgiveness is necessary, I don’t think my new (or original) family will benefit from being in relationship with him, even if he did actually apologize for the damage, and I can’t see how this can ever be a “by-gones-be-by-gones” case, nor can I see the decision I’ve made as negative when it’s had such a positive effect on my life.

  5. I have a similar problem w/ two adult sons who will not accept my partner of 3+ years. It’s been over a year since we’ve spoken. The first 2 yrs. they accepted him & when we told them we were planning to retire to S. America (which had been mentioned many times before), everything changed. My older son insulted my partner & behaved very inappropriately & stormed off. The younger one just jumped on the band wagon & they completely wrote me off. From one day to the next, they were gone from my life. One of them moved to Argentina where my ex’s family is. When I found out accidentally, I tried calling & was told that he wasn’t there. I feel that I have been completely cut out of their lives due to a lot of malice from their father. Mind you, they don’t like their father’s partner either & now have a new little brother. Dad has always manipulated them thru money & intimidation so I’m assuming the reason he doesn’t get cut out is because he pays the bills. I miss them terribly & want them in my life – just because we live far apart shouldn’t mean the end of a mother/son relationship. What do I do?

  6. My adult children want to control me. I would go visit my father on father day at a nursing home where he is currently living. Just 1o minute away my son and daughter claim to be to busy or they said that they have nothing in common. Therfore that is why they claim of not visiting their grandfather or grandmother.
    Fourth of July weekend I have been doing alot of thinking especially my son that wish me dead because I caught him telling his cousin to F word me.
    My heart has been sad ever since.I have purchace a car for my son so that when he graduated from high school he would come over to Cape cod and start a bussiness in plummeing all of the tools including a master plummer to help him get started was waiting for him. Instead he decide not to honor his promise . He stop paying for the car. My credit financial call me that 3 payment were not paid. I anitially made a trip to pick up the car so that I can protect my own credit.
    My son and daughter has been all along playing game with me. I have no trust in them because of what they have done to themself and to me that all I wanted was the best for them . But they throw it away just like that. Now they have their own kids and are not doing well. I fear going to where they live because their mother all live together in apartment they all share. They call other family member to investigate me if I was in town visiting a brother of mine that has Parkinson, my father that is 84 years of age. If they are to busy to visit their grandfather . I told them that I am also to busy to visit them. I wish something could be done. I wish for peace and harmonylive and let live

  7. My daughter for four year has been saying that she is saving her imcome tax return. So that she can vacation with me spend time with me. I have always welcome that so that we can all get to know each other especially the grand kid. My wife and I would start making preparation for their arrival. I would cancel my own vacation and doctor appointments.
    When the time come for them to they would cancel it. Because at the last minute she would tell me that she has not have enought money to make the trip . I would offer her meet me half way and I would match it.
    Some how she is expecting for me to spend hundres of dollar a day for a hotel for her and the kids to stay.
    I do not feel conforable with it . Only have enought for my own self. I cannot support her or her lying to me.
    My relationship with her has been declining.
    She feel that I owe her. She acknowledge that she had a great appurtunity living with me in Cape cod, MA she decide to leave me after 2 weeks because she claim it is to boring but in several conversation reminding her what she have done she said she wish to turn the clock back. College was paid for she trow that away. She would have been working with me she throw that away to. when her aunt call her on the phone and told my daughter that she miss her.
    My daughter travel to New hamshire after she decide to leave me, to trash my intergrity to other family member. But after she got involve with a man practically the same age as me.had 2 kid out of weblock he left her or on and off unstable relationship.
    My daughter is now 28 years of age. she has a twin brother . twin brother oldes son dallas wounderfull kid from a prior relationship broken up after she landed in prison for unknown reson. my son has been in and out of relationship. My son girlfriend claim that her kid are of my son DNA came out negative on one kid. the other kid DNA was not done because I believe that my son has gotten attach to this baby. Every year on Christmas,thanksgiving, birthday my wife and I drive over or we send them card and gift. It is never enought. When they investigate me or found something wrong they would trash me like dirt. I am feeling tired of it that I distance my self more and more. I have no trust in them. My older daughter has a relationship with a lesbian girl with whom she also has a man in her life bi lesbian. I am catholic having a hard time accepting her relationship because it is not stable iether. But she want me to accept her kids too.
    If my kid does not want to have respect for me. I wish not to tolorate their unstable behaviour. They are welcome to visit me.we will spend time lunch dinner.
    But I will not support their life and they will stay in a hotel because I have trust issue with them with spying on me so that they can trash me later on when something does not go right for them.

  8. I have a situation that is so out of control I have no idea what to do. I married my husband in June and bot of his adult children have been so cruel to me it is pure torture. Their mother, suffers from Bi-Polar and sychoprenia (sp) My husbands daughter has been diagnosed also. Now his 19 yr old son is exibiting signs of the same disease. In fact he was here for two days and put hair removal in my conditioner and by the time I found out, my hair was gone to the root. I have had death threats and now his son is making my husband choose between me or him. His son is in the Marines and 10,000 miles away. I feel so crushed an destroyed at the moment. I love my husband and his children don’t even know who I am or what I am about. Please help me. Nan

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