October 27, 2006
by Rod Smith
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Some people are so angry, have been angry for so long, they would not want to be without it. It is the only way they know how to relate to the world.
Life does not have to be this way for the angry person. There is always the grace to forgive, and the choice to live in peace with all people everywhere.
Obvious manifestations of anger are outbursts of temper, resentment, and the failure to forgive. These are the easy clues to detect an angry person. More subtle expressions of anger are deep cynicism, estrangement from family and friends, the desire to self-isolate and the loss of faith in loved ones. These are as much signs of anger as is cursing at traffic.
Anger begins as scaffolding surrounding a life, but then, if it is not dealt with, if matters are not settled; if it lingers, anger can become the very structure itself.
Give some angry people a reason to forgive, to give up their anger and they are left with nothing. Anger is the lens through which they see the world, manipulate and control relationships, and without it, they become nothing.
They have sold their peace in exchange for their resentments and have forgotten that it does not have to be this way.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Boundaries |
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September 25, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Writes: I am in a bad relationship with a man who is trustworthy but I have no ability to trust him. I jump down his throat a lot and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious and accusatory. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change (through therapy) but it’s a process. My upbringing was abusive and I know my damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing this fantastic man who would be a fabulous dad and loyal husband. Being around him makes me face my fears but every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me and he imagines me having his babies. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Your honesty, his patience, and, adhering to the wisdom of your therapist might get you to the “other side” of your current problems. If you really seek to resolve your childhood issues, which are sounding so loudly in your present, be sure your therapist is skilled in “family-of-origin” therapy, so these powerful past experiences can lose their powerful grip upon your present.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Triggers |
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September 18, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader: My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. At first I was the one who messed around with my ex-girlfriend. I was young and couldn’t let go. However, she stood strong and gave me another chance. Since that day something inside me changed. It was almost as she re-instilled my morals. I go out and go home to her. No cheating in any way. No flirting. She’s the only woman I want to be. For reasons to do with her education she’s moved away and I only see her every second weekend. We hardly talk because she is either busy or with friends who are mostly guys I have never met. I have had an uneasy feeling for a few weeks. What do you think? (Edited for space)
ROD’S REPLY: I trust your change, with or without her, is enduring. If this relationship is to last, you are going to have to learn to trust your girlfriend and resist allowing the distance to so unsettle you. Uneasiness within you will make your occasional conversations and visits feel controlling (for her). Talking with you will feel like a burden, and burdening her with your uneasiness, while she is enjoying herself, will only create a larger distance between you, and she might decide a long-distance “heavy” relationship is not worth the effort.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Attraction, Long distance relationships |
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June 11, 2006
by Rod Smith
All relationships require a developed sense of timing, of knowing when it is the appropriate time to talk about important matters, when to play or when to consider change. People get into hot water with each other because they fail to time their requests, fail to anticipate what the other is thinking and feeling, before they present their agenda.
Timing is as much an issue with married couples as it is with bosses/employees, teachers/students, and children/parents. To choose the right time to engage in conflict, to bring up a sensitive issue, to ask a tough question, is not an act of manipulation, but the attempt to display wisdom.
It is probably not a good time to discuss important matters when the other person is: 1. Rushed or preoccupied with other important matters. 2. Anxious about matters unrelated to you. 3. Has just received unwelcome news. 4. Is feeling pushed or cornered. 5. Is feeling used or unappreciated.
Under these conditions it is better to back off rather than forge ahead with your agenda whether it is your wife and you want to talk about buying a new car, or if it is your boss and you want to discuss higher compensation.
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Family |
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June 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: I had a miserable childhood and an even more a miserable life. I never get along with my family I am what you call a black sheep. I am now married and have one child. My marriage is on the rocks. My child and career are draining every bit of energy from me. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. My husband has a gambling problem! My credit cards are maxed out and I am trying to pay all the bills. I have no time for myself and even if I tried it still is not enough. I am losing my mind?
A: You have a very good mind and are apparently a high-functioning person: you work, can write a good letter, care for a child while under duress, and so there is always hope.
Redirecting these very skills, I believe you can find the help you need to gain some semblance of control over your destiny. Find a credit counselor at a church or place of worship; join a small group of healthy people who are working on their own lives. Make some legal plans so you are not victim of your husband’s bad habits. Things might start to change when you begin to move beyond victim thinking.
Posted in Anxiety, Love, Victims, Voice |
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May 15, 2006
by Rod Smith
- He/she has excessive unaccounted for mileage on the car and chunks of time and money for which he/she will not account.
- He/she hides bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements.
- He/she uses lower or different tones on his/her phone when you are around.
- He/she is present in body alone because his/her head seems to prefer living or being elsewhere.
- You are checking the mileage on the car, clockwatching to know where your he/she is, and counting his/her money to know where every cent goes.
- You are rummaging through bills for credit cards, cell phones and bank statements in an effort to retrace his/her steps.
- You are trying to listen to every conversation he/she has with anyone.
- You are present in body alone because you spend your waking moments trying to get into his/her head to see what he/she is thinking, feeling, planning, and wishing.
- Details for business trips (who, when, why) are obscure or hard to pin down.
- Compliments feel like efforts to manipulate; apologies feel like warnings; looking in each other’s eyes feels very unsettling.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Voice |
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May 8, 2006
by Rod Smith
Q: My husband does not like my parents very much but puts up with them when they visit us about once every two weeks. He is civil to them and will even chat with both my parents about all sorts of things – all when it suits him. I want more – I want them to really bond like I have bonded with his parents. I think this will be good for our children to see a warm loving relationship between their father and all their grandparents. What can I do?
A: Stay out of this! Don’t interfere in relationships that do not include you. Your husband’s relationships with your parents might impact you, but they don’t include you. Leave your husband and your parents to “bond’ in any way they feel comfortable (or uncomfortable).
Your anxiety about the affairs of others is likely to be more damaging to your family than your husband’s cordial relationship with your parents.
Want for yourself and for matters that directly involve you. Wanting for others will make you feel superior, and make you feel important, but it is a waste of your energy. Don’t waste your wanting!
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Family, In-laws |
33 Comments »
April 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
Reader Query: Our son is 7 and the youngest of two. He is going through a terrible patch of feeling unheard, unloved and unequal. He is very intelligent and confident which is extremely over-powering. His demands cannot be met because he has overstepped all his boundaries. He has a heart of gold and a soft inner personality but his outer appearance is tough and strong. He is crying out for help and so are we, especially me, his mother with whom he feels he can just be himself and it gets very out of control. I find myself trying to escape him, which torments me because my two boys are MY LIFE. My husband says he needs to know where he stands, find where he belongs in life, and, once his confidence is up again, he will excel because he has leadership qualities! The boy has just overcome shingles and was very ill. I am certain it was due to stress, although I could be wrong. Please help. (Letter edited)
Rod’s Reply: I found your letter moving. Please seek face-to-face help with a pediatrician. Consider a personal journey to a place where your children are part of, but not YOUR LIFE. Some space between you and the boys might benefit everyone in the family.
Posted in Anxiety, Children, Family, Parenting/Children |
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April 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
Have you had feelings come over, even overwhelm you, that you recognize from childhood? Has background music, the whiff of a particular perfume, seemed to emotionally cripple you? Unresolved childhood traumas will almost certainly visit victims as they get older.
Sadly, it is in intimacy that negative associations of childhood most strongly stir. It is in the beauty of loving relationships that the memory of an inappropriate or abusive moment tugs eerily from a distance. A forced closeness years ago now hinders you when you long for adult intimacy. It is in love that the traumas of childhood raise ugly heads. So intricate is our human makeup that intimate connections stir positive and also negative memories. It’s negative triggers that are indiscriminate, often unyielding, forming debilitating links to the hidden pain of our lives.
Tensions with a spouse might have nothing to do with the spouse but with what’s unresolved from our adolescents. We fight yesterday’s battles today, with the “wrong” person. The conflict is an attempt to settle childhood scores. There’s benefit to discovering relationship struggles often have their origins a generation from where we might seek resolution. Examination, prayerful consideration of our bundle of triggers can defuse them and peace might be found.
Posted in Anxiety, Manipulation, Marriage, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Triggers, Trust |
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March 31, 2006
by Rod Smith
Are you a responsive person (as opposed to a reactive person)?
1. Responsive people can function within life’s many tensions without becoming overwhelmed.
2. They can see possibilities within problems.
3. They are extraordinarily flexible and they can be very playful.
4. They shape their emotional environment, bringing calm and creativity to their context, rather than assuming the anxieties of those around them.
5. They initiate creatively rather than react defensively and can be objective and consider implications for everybody involved.
6. They see the immediate and the long-term effects of decisions.
7. They see the whole picture and how the whole moves and changes; they do not see only parts, but also how parts influence and impact each other.
8. They do not recruit others to be on their side when conflict occurs.
9. They are not “either / or” or “black and white” thinkers but can see many alternative options and possibilities when reactive people think there is none.
10. They place thinking above feeling: feeling is consequent to the thinking, not the reverse.
Posted in Anxiety, Responsive people, Trust, Voice |
4 Comments »
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