Archive for ‘Manipulation’

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September 10, 2006

Quit being “emotional pirates” and get out of each other’s boats……

by Rod Smith

The earlier people realize that life is a solo challenge, and this includes children, the greater the degree of health will potentially flow into a family. Despite all the love and support a loving family can provide, individuals who clearly see their own powerful and distinct role in creating their own success will better contribute to the overall health of the family.

People who are “in the same boat” (or see a committed relationship as a “bicycle built for two”) usually confuse embracing another’s anxiety, indulgent sympathy, and, empathy, with love. Their attachments (fusions, dependencies) become so inordinately inflexible that one person’s anxiety (or issues) results in debilitating the effectiveness of other family members. In other words, “If I am not making it, and if you love me, you will so strongly iddentify with me that you won’t make it either.”

Healthy people do not permit the anxiety of loved one to destabilize (overwhelm) their own wellbeing, but offer challenge to the anxious because they understand the value of strength over weakness. This does not mean they are untouched by the sufferings of those whom they love, but they are particularly aware that remaining distinct, remaining strong in the presence of problems is not only the wiser way to function, but it is the greater gift to the family and the larger community.

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Trust | 1 Comment »

August 22, 2006

I don’t normally enjoy your column…

by Rod Smith

Dear Rod,

I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t normally enjoy your column! The reason is that you tend to be too judgmental and autocratic. Maybe you are thinking now that I’m being defensive and reactive because your answers touch a soft spot with me. You may very well be correct but I believe the reason is because nothing is ever so definite and ‘black and white’ in any relationship. Though we always do feel as though this is true – the old big, fat ego again.

I have attached one of your previous column’s which my boyfriend put next to my bedside and gave some of our friends a copy to ‘prove’ to them that I was such an awful person and exactly what you had written applied 100% to me. Very hurtful!

I wrote that letter to our psychologist who we were seeing for help in our relationship. I now go alone as he says I am the one with the problems, I am the one that needs to change and he is perfect – yes, 100% correct and with no personality flaws.

With regards to today’s question and answer: I do identify with this woman as my boyfriend does attack, insult, character assassinate and yell at me. a couple of months ago I used to react equally as provocatively and angrily. I now do not react as I have realised it is when he is inebriated, worrying about his Mom who has cancer, or his business which is in dire straits or all of the above. This by no means justifies his behaviour but at least I am not perpetrating the behaviour or getting caught up in the lose-lose situation. He inevitably calms down and carries on as though nothing has transpired.

His ‘good’ side is 80% of the time and he is the most generous, affectionate, fun-loving, passionate man I have ever known so it far out-weighs the dark side!

However, I have stayed in destructive relationships prior to this for the simple reason that I have had to believe and ‘buy’ and allow the verbal abuse – e.g. I am stupid, argumentative and have serious mood swings for no rhyme or reason – because if I didn’t I would have to walk away because nobody can believe they are loved if someone accuse you of these atrocities and they are NOT true. Do you understand the logic here? I’m finding it difficult to articulate. I just mean you have to buy into the story so that you believe the love is there and that person can help you change and then, only then, will the relationship work. Psychi of an abused woman?

Anyway the other issue is, to quote you, “Tell me what keeps a person in a relationship that apparently offers nothing but pain and humiliation?” We stay in relationships like this because it does not just offer pain and humiliation! We don’t discuss or question the beauty and joy and comfort and compassion because there isn’t a problem on that side and we desperately want to correct and heal the dark side. Also it seems that in some relationships we desperately want the roller coaster ride because without the lows and dips they can’t have the elating, endorphin releasing highs. another reason for staying or being ‘trapped and the victim’ is low self esteem – get them to watch Oprah’s show!

I adore all your advice re kids, parenting – single and step! Thank you for that! God bless and I’m sure you’re helping hundreds of people.

Reader
Durban, South Africa

Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Therapeutic Process, Victims | 4 Comments »

August 18, 2006

What power do you have over people close to you?

by Rod Smith

Please write, I'm reading...

Please write, I'm reading...

There are some things a person simply cannot do for another person, despite love and commitment. This does not mean that two people cannot work together towards shared goals.

It is impossible to make another person:

1. Be happy. Be fulfilled. Become angry. Change. Succeed. Fail.
2. Love, want, need, or miss you. Be glad to see you. Love, want, need, miss, or be glad to see someone else.
3. Trust you.
4. See, feel or think in a certain manner for an enduring period. Most people are willing to “sell out” their minds, ideas and dreams for the sake of romance, but this (“selling out” your mind) does not usually last for very long.
5. See the light, or get some sense into their heads.
6. Lose or gain weight, save or spend money, want or not want sex.
7. Use, or stop using drugs, alcohol and cigarettes or bad language.

As far as other people’s relationships are concerned, it’s impossible to keep people apart who want to be together, and keep together, those who want to be apart. Embracing such goals is likely to have the opposite effect. People feel closer when their relationships are threatened and tend to resist relationships when coerced by others.

Posted in Communication, Family, Manipulation | Leave a Comment »

August 13, 2006

Rearing Children: What you laugh at and encourage in a small child might not appeal later..

by Rod Smith

Reader: My husband says I laugh at the “wrong” things my son (4) does. He says that “cute” and “charming,” when my boy wants his own way, in our young son (4) will come back to bite us. This is a point of regular, often playful, discussion between us. What do you think?

Rod’s Response: While there is so much to be enjoyed around young children, your husband has a point worthy of discussion. Cute, charming, manipulative behavior from a young child – “working the room” to get his own way – might be the source of great amusement, but the similar behavior, from the same child at thirteen, might be considered obnoxious.

Be aware of what you applaud and be careful what you allow to win you over. If charm and manipulation succeed at three, at five and at seven, you might have a tough task trying getting your teenager out of the habit.

But many children are cute and charming as a natural expression of who and what they are without any desire or intent to manipulate. While adults must be careful what they endorse, they ought also to be careful regarding what they interpret and consider manipulation in children.

Posted in Adolescence, Children, Education, Family, Manipulation, Parenting/Children | 1 Comment »

July 26, 2006

Appearance is everything – how to hurt your partner while looking innocent

by Rod Smith

Rod Smith, MSMFT

Please forgive my cynical tone, but I have seen three couples in the past few days who have perfected the art of hurting each other while remaining “perfectly innocent.” Here’s how to do it:

Bargain with sex. Use it as a reward for getting what you want. This will go a long way to grind down your partner’s confidence. If you are really good at this, you will feel somewhat like a puppeteer who is able to get whatever he or she wants out of a puppet. Over time, if your partner is sufficiently complaint (something you want to ensure!) you will always get your way in all areas of your life and being a loving partner will hold little challenge for you but to remain ahead of the game.

Be very passive. Withhold your opinions, insights and contribution from your partner in matters that hold little interest for you, yet be very vocal when things don’t turn out as you expect. Sit back. Leave all the important decisions (that do not really interest you) to your partner. Avoid getting fully involved yet leave room for blame. This is quite an art, but once perfected, it will serve you well.

Posted in Manipulation, Victims, Violence, Voice | 5 Comments »

June 29, 2006

Long distance romance keeps me at the phone……

by Rod Smith

Q: Regarding long-distance relationships a reader writes: “Does sitting by the phone, waiting for the other person to call, every day, even when they don’t call, mean you are dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship?”

A: Your behavior does not necessarily suggest you are “dependent and heading towards an unhealthy relationship.” Good friends frequently wait by the phone when they expect a call from someone they love. Wanting information and connection is a deeply human quality and ought not be interpreted in a negative light.

But, continuing to be glued to the phone “to be immobilized” just in case he calls, even when it is not scheduled call, while other tasks, other friendships, other responsibilities are neglected, certainly puts you on the way toward an unhealthy connection.

Does he know you are waiting? If he does, and then still does not call, his behavior is cruel and ought not be tolerated. If a person knows you are waiting, and does not call within reasonable time, I’d suggest you are working harder at the relationship than your counter-part. This, in itself, is a big red flag.

Long-distant relationships are very difficult. Distance (like darkness and disease) amplifies. Issues usually seem more drastic, extreme, urgent, the further apart people are.

Posted in Communication, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation | Leave a Comment »

June 27, 2006

Girlfriend and wife behavior at parties gets lots a mail…

by Rod Smith

Recent columns about friendliness, interpreted as flirting, have generated a lot of mail. Of course I do not support deception in relationships, and of course, when a partner salaciously fishes for the attention of the opposite sex it can damage the sanctity of a committed relationship.

But open (not covert) friendliness at parties that generates a jealous and anxious response from the partner, suggests deeper problematic issues between the couple, quite apart from the “flirting.”

A person who tries to curtail a significant other’s open friendliness through threats, withdrawal, the angry eye, by driving home in silence or in a rage, has a bigger issue than the one who “flirts.”

Love, aside from being the polar opposite of controlling behavior, resists jealousy. Love refuses to accommodate the demands of the jealous party. No relationship benefits when jealousy gets it nasty way.

I’d suggest women who are openly friendly at parties, who innocently enjoy people, continue to do so. I’d suggest jealous husbands deal with their jealousy without blaming it on the woman.

Then, if a woman is so desperate for male affirmation that she is truly salacious, I’d suggest something more helpful than curtailing her behavior at parties is required if the relationship is to survive.

Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Sex matters, Trust | 10 Comments »

June 13, 2006

Wife flirts at parties and I do not like it

by Rod Smith

My wife and I have lots of fights because at parties and family occasions she flirts with all the men. And NEVER flirts with me. She says she is just being friendly. I cannot understand why she carries on doing something she knows I do not like. What should I do?

It sounds like your wife has a lot more fun at parties and family occasions than you do. I'd suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone. There are several reasons she "carries on doing something she knows" you do not like: she likes it; it is innocent; she understands it is not a good idea for you to control how she has fun.

Perhaps, if you took your focus off your wife and relaxed a little, she would want to flirt with you. Jealousy is not very attractive. The sooner you realize that your jealousy is your problem and that it has nothing at all to do with her behavior, the sooner you will be over it.

Two things: 1. He (or she) who has the feeling (in this case jealousy) has the problem. 2. Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Love, Manipulation | 102 Comments »

June 6, 2006

It all began so well — then he showed who he really is

by Rod Smith

“I met my ‘Prince Charming’ through an acquaintance. We hit it off from the beginning, but without any emotional fireworks. We shared a passion for ballroom dancing, and found we had much else in common: a love of the outdoors, music, humor; we are both financially independent, and we are both divorced with grown-up children. I thought it strange that he had no close friends and did not socialize beyond a very small circle, and that he showed no interest in introducing me to any of his family members, other than his married daughter. This should have been the first alarm bell to ring.

”Gradually he became more controlling, but in very subtle ways. He monitored what I ate and drank. He criticized my dancing when it wasn’t up to his standard. I had to live up to all his expectations all the time. He criticized my political opinions. Slowly but surely, he began to criticize all my opinions. There were violent outbursts of temper if I stood up to him in any way. Yet through all this, he remained the caring, thoughtful man I had grown to love, particularly when we were in the company of others, and I was so flattered that he was interested in me.” (Extracted from a much longer letter)

Posted in Anger, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation | 2 Comments »

June 1, 2006

Girlfriend wants sex details of past relationships: what must I do?

by Rod Smith

Q: My girlfriend wants to know all the sexual details about my past relationships. She seems to think this will make us closer. I don’t want to tell her anything but she gets all withdrawn when I won’t and she says I am protecting other women and hurting her. Please tell me what you think I should do.

A: Don’t give Ms. Jealous what she says she wants. Details of your former relationships are none of her business. Allowing her to peer into those relationships will most certainly will not bring you closer to each other. Since her desire to know such details probably comes from long-felt insecurities, it is more likely the stories of your past will fuel even greater degrees of jealousy and insecurity. Consequently, such talks are more likely to drive you apart than bring you closer. Besides, that you are no longer with a person does not mean it is legitimate to dishonor the privacy you once shared.

Posted in Manipulation, Past relationships, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Triggers, Trust | 6 Comments »

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