Archive for ‘Friendship’

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December 31, 2023

What do you mean “happy” new year?

by Rod Smith

The Mercury and to all who may read this….

Of course I want you to have a “happy” new year. What exactly do I mean?

• May you find authentic inclusion with a group of caring friends.

• May you enjoy significant connection and derive mutual satisfaction with members of your immediate and extended family and family of choice.

• May you have meaningful work, work that respectfully uses your talents, strengths and imagination.

• May your capacity for humor enrich those whom you love and bring joy.

• May you discover new and wonderful things about yourself and others despite your years of experience.

• May regret over past failures provide you with healthy awareness rather than weigh you down.

• May you be part of the solution and not part of the problem in matters large and small.

• May you become more skillful in defining your boundaries and therefore more able to love your friends, family, colleagues, strangers and foes.

• May you resist urges, subtle or gross — all of which may be socially acceptable — to exploit others to accomplish your personal or professional goals.

• May you do no harm and may no harm be done to you.

• May we be agents of peace.

—————
The Mercury is one of South Africa’s longest running weekday morning newspapers. It is published in KZN, a province of South Africa.

I have enjoyed the privilege of writing daily for this newspaper since March 21, 2001. This affords me the unusual joy of occasionally being able to surprise friends. Pictured below is a couple whom I married in Prague (earlier this year). A few days before the wedding I discovered they were going South Africa for their honeymoon. Here they are reading a welcome column in The Mercury while in Umhlanga.

Newly weds…..!
Greeted in The Mercury

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grace | 1 Comment »

December 24, 2023

Is there a better birthday gift?

by Rod Smith

This arrived on my phone from my younger son’s girlfriend this morning;

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | 2 Comments »

December 20, 2023

A note to my sons — shared also with you — about love

by Rod Smith

Love one another is surely among life’s hardest, crucial, most fabulous assignments.

Jesus commanded it. 

He did not suggest it or consider it a good idea. 

If we claim faith in Jesus, His commands leave us no options, no outs, or off ramps.

We are to love those who love us back and those who do not. 

We are to love even those who for whatever reason, have chosen to reject and hate us. Hardest perhaps, we are to love those for whom we are invisible, those who regard us, if they even notice we exist, with indifference. 

We are to love modern day Samaritans (the commonly rejected change from culture to culture, group to group) and Pharisees (today’s know-it-all blowhards who peer down at we lesser mortals) and teachers of the law and hookers and addicts and bankers and Rev. Private Jet pastors and prostitutes. We are to love those who treat us with the contempt shown to New Testament Samaritans. 

Yes. 

Everyone.     

As you, my sons, love others well and as you learn to love even more people – it doesn’t come naturally – from the most distant or platonic of relationships, to the most intimate and sacred love and trust in marriage, you will be guided, sometimes cajoled, driven, even bullied by deep inner impulses. 

Strong tides, forces unseen, forces felt but unknown will rise within you.

These inner pressures are sufficiently powerful that words expressed on any page will not be able to quell the force they will try to exert over you.

Love drills down deep for discovery of the opposite spirit, the counter-intuitive approach, the unexpected, the unanticipated means toward a loving, kind end. 

Love your enemies is not some insurmountable-Jesus-hurdle. 

He did not command it to trick anyone. 

Loving your enemies is the gateway to loving all people, even to love those whom we may consider easy to love.

No one is easy to love. 

Remember, what you can do to anyone you can do to everyone. 

Love is really understanding the parable of the “good” Samaritan and trying to live it out daily.

Love, to imperfectly and briefly quote Paul, the Apostle, doesn’t return evil for evil.

Finally, read Paul’s summary of love in 1 Corinthians 13 and remind yourself over and over again, Paul did not have wedding sermons in mind when he put his heart on paper.

Go into all the world…..

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Trust, Voice, YWAM | 2 Comments »

December 1, 2023

Christmas meditation to get you into the festive mood…..

by Rod Smith

I post this at the beginning of every December so it may “ring a bell” —- no pun intended:

Adult Jesus Ruins My Christmas Shopping

Christmas shopping would be so much easier if Jesus would just remain a baby.

Every time I venture out to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child and try to purchase a gift for someone I love I am stumped.

What do I buy that will somehow declare the birth of the Son of God?

I don’t have the where-with-all for a gift that marks the birth of a King.

Besides, every time I begin to shop in honor of Baby Jesus, I get images of Him being whipped unmercifully and then nailed upon a cross.

Blood spurts derail my shopping. I resist the thoughts but they will not go away.

Before I can do much looking around the malls Jesus jumps out of the crib. He’s fully adult, almost running, sometimes dancing, celebrating on the streets and I can hardly keep up. He’s healing people left, right, and center. He’s getting into all kinds of trouble.

I am lost. I am out of control. No, he’s out of control.

He goes to the wrong places. He loves the seedy parts of town. He goes where I have never been before. He mixes with the rejected. He storms City Hall and insults merciless leaders. He is outspoken, scathing to those who are unfair in their business practices. He doesn’t care about rank, stature, or wealth but detests double standards, addresses them at every encounter.

I want to grab him, shove him back in the crib where he was safe, where we were all safer.

When I thought he would stop in at a church or two – perhaps a cathedral built in his honor – he’s off in a smoky bar with washed out losers. He’s talking politics like I have never heard. He’s hot on fairness, justice, mercy, truth. I tell him not to mix politics and religion and blush with the absurdity of it all.

If he would just stay in one place like a baby should is all I can think.

It’s not long before I am in a jostle with the crowds. It’s not the kind of popularity I was expecting.

Prostitutes love him. Drunks defend him. The poorest of the poor, the marginalized, the rejected, are out in their masses. He dances in the streets with street children and people he has just met. Young men and women, piercings and tattoos all over their bodies, circle him celebrate like long lost friends. Then, ignoring ordinances, he feeds the applauding masses.

Now what do I buy?

Clearly, anything I spend, if I am really out to celebrate the birth of the Christ Child, has to be grand. Yet modest. His birth was modest: a shed, a feeding trough. Secrecy. Shame. Danger. Poverty dictated the details for this dramatic night. I cannot spend much. Yet, it was the greatest night Earth had ever seen. Angels sighed! The order of everything disturbed by Love’s intervention.

I tell him he’s ruining things, that he is too quick to befriend the wrong people, but his mind is elsewhere. I beg him to befriend religious leaders, a pastor or two, but he will not listen.

Then, they are up in arms against him.

All but a few want him gone. He’s a hindrance to tourism. He’s a threat to peace and he’s being accused of not attending church!

Next, he looks crucifixion in the eye.

If only he would remain a baby.

It is so much easier to shop for a baby.

(Published first in The Indianapolis Star some years ago)
…………..
Yesterday’s brief outing to a beautiful market:

Posted in Communication, Education, Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | 1 Comment »

November 30, 2023

How to know you are “spiritually gifted”….

by Rod Smith

You have escaped the world of all-or-nothing behaving. You don’t throw in the towel because you failed. You try again. You seek in all your trying to do no harm, not to yourself or others.

You have escaped the world of black-and-white thinking and cast off your cloak of knowing it all. You know that people who give the impression of knowing it all, really don’t. Sometimes you engage them simply for the (harmless, of course) fun it provides.

You have embraced ambiguity. You understand that the world won’t crumble and the church won’t tumble and your family may indeed breathe a sigh of relief because you are able to admit there are a few things about which you are unsure.

You embrace your frailties, failures and feebleness with deep regret and sadness (sometimes) and humor (sometimes). You are aware that your constant striving, trying to prove whatever, trying to be right, distorts your beauty. You accept that you are a person, not a prized racehorse. 

You desire to be more loving than you have ever been even if you are not quite theologically accurate or sound (who is?). You know that “accurate” theology has killed millions. You want your attempts at sound theology to at least lead you to greater love.

Last evening’s basketball playoff in the world’s really largest field house.

Posted in Education, Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | 2 Comments »

November 16, 2023

Thanksgiving is just around the corner….

by Rod Smith

Next week, aiming particularity for Thursday, millions of people in the United States will travel “home” to a family meal called Thanksgiving. It’s almost a given that, after turkey and mashed potatoes and all the “fixings” and before the football (American “Football” of course) on TV people will go around the table and express their gratitude for everything from the nation as a whole to grandma for fixing her trademark green beans. 

I confess, it is no easy holiday for an immigrant given that it’s my sons and me and no extended family, but we have grown accustomed to it and are always included in Nolan Smith’s (former Beachwood and Durban North person) family for Thanksgiving. 

I have my list ready to go:

I am grateful for my sons and the men they have become. They are honest and very hard working. They know how to conduct themselves in all contexts and I am often moved to tears when others tell me about some of the things they know about my sons.

I am grateful to my readers around the world. I never imagined that The Mercury would become the international platform that it has become for me. 

I am grateful for my extended family around the world who do such an amazing job of keeping in touch. Not a week goes by without a vibrant back and forth involving several continents. 

I am grateful for the speaking opportunities afforded me. It’s a demonstration of Beauty for Ashes and Grace-upon-Grace if ever I knew one.

I am grateful to be an American and to have dual citizenship with South Africa. Really, a man can love two nations. I know it is possible because I do.

My all-time favorite tie

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief | 2 Comments »

October 31, 2023

Remembered?

by Rod Smith

How will we (you and I)……?

When it is all said and done very few, if anyone, will know about my deepest regrets.

Will they know yours? Will it matter if they do or not? What have you done with yours? 

My regrets run deep, run long. 

Some have taken me a lifetime of attempts at repair, some with a degree of success, others with no indications of any success.

It has not been without trying.  

I have looked at myself in the mirror on hundreds, if not thousands of occasions, taken stock, took responsibility for the ways in which I hurt others. 

I have given much time to assess the seasons of my life when indifference was a way of life, seasons when it looked to others as if I was winning, achieving, succeeding, when I alone knew full well I was not.

If I am remembered at all – think of all the people who really are forgotten despite significant achievements – I hope it is for being a man of hope.

Perhaps closest to my heart is the hope that my sons will continue to be the fine men they are today: trustworthy, kind, and respectful; men who give up their seats for their elders, men who look people in the eye when they engage, men who listen more than they speak. 

How will you be remembered?

What is closest to your heart? 

Let me know.

One of my favorite cartoons!

Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | 1 Comment »

October 23, 2023

Ever felt like this before?

by Rod Smith

You are pushing me. 

I feel it. 

When I tell you you are going to tell me it is out of love or concern. 

There are better ways to love me than emotional arm-wrestling. 

You want me to respond to my circumstances as you may respond to pressures you are facing. 

I am not you. 

You are not me. 

We are not the same. 

We each have our own way of handling matters, from matters insignificant to matters of deep consequence. 

This is not a rejection of you or of your love or an insult. It is a tribute to both of us.  

I have no problem with you being unlike me. 

Could you afford me the same freedom and privilege?

Very different life experiences shaped us each and delivered us to our unique challenges. It is only to be expected that our responses will be quite different. 

Even what we perceive as threats are not the same. What seems to be a threat to you lands on me as a challenge. It works the other way around, too.

Let’s agree to love each other so powerfully, that we learn the fine art of leaving each other alone so our friendship may truly flourish.

I am here for you.

We can discuss anything you want and I will do it without exerting any pressure whatsoever. 

Promise.    

Please, return the favor.

Painting in a museum in Vina Del Mar— Chile

Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership | 2 Comments »

October 22, 2023

About Mental Health — maybe yours……

by Rod Smith

No one feels healthy, and on top of the world, all the time.

Emotional ebbs and flows are normal.

Good days and bad days come with being human.  

Give yourself a break. 

If you are “down” for days, if you are unwilling to get out of bed, unwilling to engage in the regular and “normal” joys and tasks common to all people: like eating, bathing or showering, wearing clean clothing, getting ready for the day, the routines required of the general population, it may be time to seek help. 

If you are overly tired and unmotivated, despite having had a good deal of sleep and find it tough to identify any joyfulness in any of your surroundings or activities or relationships, it may be time to seek help. If you sometimes feel plagued by dark thoughts, scary ideas you can’t seem to shed or shake – speak up to someone who can assist you to find help.

Emotional ebbs and flows are common but when the ebbs significantly outnumber the flows, it’s probably time to let someone know you are bordering on desperate or are already desperate. 

While you think and feel you’re trapped in an emotional or relational cul-de-sac of desperation, you probably don’t have to remain there.

Reach out.

There are people willing, qualified, waiting to listen.

An afternoon walk in Vina del Mar, Chile

Posted in Addictions, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace | Leave a Comment »

September 15, 2023

I had a rather unique privilege today

by Rod Smith

I recently traveled to the Czech Republic. 

My primary reason was to solemnize the wedding of friends, Eman and Natan. 

Natan and I met several years ago in a small town near Geneva.

Soon after my arrival in Prague, Natan introduced me to Eman who hails from Sudan. It quickly became clear that Natan, a man of deep faith and courage, had met his match and found his soulmate. 

I love expressions of courage and both bride and groom are overflowing with courage and joy and vision and care and so much else. Their combined natural charisma is as tangible as it is encouraging. 

Natan and Eman met on a remote Indonesian island while each was pursuing a Masters Degree. They dated long-distance, and confronted multiple hurdles of visas, a war, and much else to make their marriage possible. 

Natan announced at a wedding-preparation meal that they would honeymoon in South Africa and spend at least a day or two in Umhlanga.

Welcome to KZN, Eman and Natan, Mrs and Mr Ledvon. 

May your next 50-plus or more years of marriage be as fun and beautiful as your wedding – and may some kind hotel guest be sure you see this column.

They’re on honeymoon abroad and get to read about themselves in a local paper.
Content can be read above…..

Posted in Attraction, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, Grace | 1 Comment »

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