“My son (almost finished with “top” high school) has very good marks and is a top achiever in sport and yet he is totally unmotivated – and it is getting worse. He says there is no future in this country for boys like him. He was very motivated until a few years ago when he started talking about going to England and trying to make his future there even though we have no connections with England. It’s getting so bad that he is starting to want to miss days at school. What can I do? I am a single mom and he is my only child.”
The “like him” is difficult for me to understand. I will need more explanation about how he views himself. Nonetheless, begin with visits to his doctor and his school counselors. Try to get a health clearance and try to establish if he is facing any unexpected pressures at school or in any other facet of his life. If the coast is clear (he is medically well and he’s not facing unusual pressure at school) on these fronts you may want to point out to your son that there are probably many young men “like him” who are wildly successful and the challenge is to be one of them.
The array of twenty or more police cars, some with their lights still turning, had my full attention as I approached a busy city intersection.
Then I saw the young man, shoulders hunched, his hands tucked between his knees as if asleep on the street, dead.
The fist-sized red blotch in the center of his white t-shirt, had the boy been walking, may have passed for designer art.
At the time I drove by there was no crime-scene tape to keep people away but there was no one near him. No one was checking on him, trying to tend to him or comfort him.
A curtain of horror silenced onlookers, people of all ages who lined the periphery of this scene.
His aloneness shook me as much as the knowledge that he was dead, gone, no more.
Minutes before he was surely running, and now, nothing: no breath, movement, dreams, company or future.
Nothing.
And I could not fathom the depth of pain and sorrow that would soon be his mother’s, father’s, brothers’ and sisters’ and all who loved and taught and coached him.
He’d fallen, face away from where I passed by and so I never saw his face.
Where he’d been struck, marked by the red splash between the shoulders of his slender frame, perfectly in the center of his back, is what I did see.
And, and continue to see, over and over again.
May all who loved and all who knew this young man (19 years old – I read in a news report on reaching home) find comfort and peace.
A few minutes later, also from Nate (21) comes, “I’ve let Duke out. I am going to Muncie.”
“Why?” I replied.
“Buy clothes,” he writes.
Seconds later Thulani texts from New York City: “Checking in. Alaina and I are going to dinner. I’ll let you know when I’m home. Talk soon.”
My sons are far from perfect but when it comes to keeping me “in the loop” they both get an A-plus.
I am deeply grateful for this, knowing several parents who seldom (or never) hear from their adult sons and I know a few who seldom hear from their daughters.
I value every text and every call, even the calls that are requests for cash. I try really hard to take every attempted contact as I am steeped in the knowledge of how unusual it is to hear daily from adult sons.
There are times I am traveling and both boys will text me to say he’s home from wherever.
The most “at home” feelings flood me when I know both my sons are safe and home, no matter where in the world I may be.
The freedom to be alone and enjoy time to think and plan and explore an internal world for reflection and growth and appreciation – with the love and support of significant others.
The freedom to share life with a diverse collection of friends and associates with whom values and goals are shared – with the support of significant others.
The freedom to reach out to family and extended family without explanation or apology — with the encouragement of significant others.
The freedom to investigate and discover new interests and passions quite unlike those previously pursued – with the support of significant others.
The freedom to confront situations that are fraught with unease or dissatisfaction with the hope of developing a plan to shift circumstances and move away from untenable conditions – with the support of significant others.
The freedom to change (and sometimes to fail at changing) established unhelpful patterns, habits that have resulted in painful consequences – with support and not cynicism from significant others.
The freedom to rest and recuperate from stressful days, weeks, months, seasons in order to re-enter life and productivity with freshness and zeal – with encouragement and support from immediate family and significant others.
The freedom to seek help from outsiders and for help to be confidential — with support from significant others.
I have had the joy of being with you this past week: several of you shared meals with me and we met in ways I know I will remember. I hope you will, too. Thank you. Given the time I would have enjoyed such an opportunity with each of you. During your first session with me I told you I would give you my notes from each of my talks. If you read this letter today or in ten years it is all ok with me. People do what they are ready to do. Keep them. See how well they age. Remind yourself that I repeatedly said I am addressing the future you.
Day One I tried to tell you how unique and beautiful you are. This is not an older adult attempting to convince you of something adults generally want you to believe. As I said I really have never met – 50 countries and thousands of people later – anyone, anywhere who is not beautiful. Yes, I have met people who have done really ugly things and done a few myself, but, you (we) are beautiful. Get to know any human by listening, really listening, and I believe you will soon agree with me. We talked about leadership: I said Leadership is a Function, a role, not a position. If your motive in becoming a leader is to see your name at the top of a list or to be the boss, your distorted motive will be your constant hurdle. Leadership is about who and what you are and what you do within a community. It is not about status. If it is the status you seek, your drive for recognition will persistently contaminate your leadership. To lead others effectively it is necessary to know what you are good at and what you are not good at. Work at your strengths. Accommodate your weaknesses. Both are yours for the long-haul.
I encouraged you to consistently define yourself. If you don’t, someone will. Resist the natural anxious urge to define others. Become an expert in your own behavior. Resist the natural (anxious) urge to be an expert in the behavior of others, especially those who annoy you. Listen more than you speak. Make sure you are hearing, not waiting to talk. I closed saying Self-Leadership has by far the greatest impact on how effective you are as a leader. If you can’t lead yourself you can effectively lead nothing and no one.
Day Two I emphasized your (and my) uniqueness. I urged you to find within the depths of where your hearts, minds, spirits, souls meet (see it as a kind of Venn diagram) the beautiful “place” generally referred to as the SELF. YourSELF is beautiful, it’s as unique as your fingerprints, your voice, and your personality. It is shaped by your family history, your DNA, by enduring joyful and nurturing experiences. It is shaped also by trauma, by loss, grief and so much else. This SELF is resilient. The Self wants to be well. It self-repairs (given conducive conditions). It is not Selfish to find and love and know yourSelf. I would suggest it is selfish NOT to. People who avoid Self-Awareness because they consider it selfISH are usually people who put stress on leadership teams and on friendships and battle with boundary confusion – “I am I, you are you, we are we, Let’s not confuse the three” – Remember? It’s corny BUT if you live it, it will save you a LOT of pain and therapist bills!
Day Three I emphasized your God-given desire for Autonomy. It’s part of your humanity. To desire self-directedness (AUTONOMY – SPACE, ROOM TO MOVE, freedom to be yourself) comes with your birth package. When it is unfulfilled – or ignored – you will be discontent. You have a similar God-given desire for Intimacy. This is part of your humanity. We all want some closeness, to belong, to be part of. Accepting that these Dueling Desires live within you and recognizing they are present in all the people will make it easier for you to welcome both into their legitimate place within your life. You (and I) really grow up when you (we) meet these needs in yourself AND understand that others are similarly driven. When your best friend chooses to be alone (wants Autonomy) it is not a rejection of you (necessarily) if you, at the same time, want Intimacy. Remember, you cannot LOVE and CONTROL the same person.
This afternoon (Thursday) and Day Four, I left you with eight things I would tell my younger self:
Save, and never touch, one third of all the money you earn. Few people regret having saved from an early age. Few things upset adulthood as well as financial pressures.
Honor your family and extended family relationships above all other relationships. If you are a brother or a son, a niece or an aunt, be the best one you can be.
Learn to live without blaming others. While others are indeed imperfect, blaming others for anything will seldom get you to where you really want to go. There are exceptions which I made clear (I hope).
Forgive, truly forgive, but remember. To forgive and forget is often foolish and even impossible. Remembering is not the same as holding a grudge. There are exceptions which I made clear (I hope).
Find your VOICE and hold onto it. Finding your voice means figuring out what you want your life to say. Only a small portion of finding your voice has to do with actual words.
Every unfortunate or bad thing that happens to you will ultimately offer you a choice. Will it become SEED (for growth) or STONE (resentment or hardness)? Seed will be most helpful to you. The choice will always be yours.
Pursue (chase) education even over romance. Few people regret having a sound education.
Gain understanding about your power, the power that comes with being human. Treasure it; Protect it, Deploy it. Use it for its intended purpose only.
I have loved being with you. Thank you. I especially enjoyed the Talent Show and the party. I loved watching your amazing capacity to have fun and I particularly enjoyed seeing some of you who arrived earlier this week appearing shy and withdrawn having the time of your lives.
Rod
Dad, Uber Driver, International Speaker and Newspaper Columnist
Save, and never touch, one third of all the money you earn. Few people regret having saved from an early age. Few things upset adulthood as powerfully as constant financial pressures.
Honor your family and extended family relationships above all other relationships. If you are a brother or a son, a niece or an aunt, be the best one you can be.
Learn to live without blaming others. While others are indeed imperfect, blaming others for anything you are will seldom get you to where you really want to go.
Forgive, truly forgive, but remember. To forgive and forget is often foolish and often impossible. Remembering is not the same as holding something against another.
Find your voice and don’t let others try to take it from you. Finding your voice means figuring out what you want your life to say. Only a little of finding your voice has to do with actual words.
Every bad or unfortunate thing that happens to you, once you have gotten over the shock, will offer you a choice. Will it become seed (for growth) or stone (resentment or hardness)? Seed will be most helpful to you.
Pursue as much education as possible even over and above romance. Few people regret having a sound education.
Gain understanding about your power, the power that comes with being human. Treasure it; Protect it, Deploy it. Use it for its intended purpose only.
I am sure things stick in your memory as they do in mine.
My parents home on Blackburn Road was the most open home you could imagine.
Strangers were simply people whom you were yet to know.
Week in, week out, on a Sunday our home was open to a flow of family and friends who stayed for lunch and then often stayed for dinner after and afternoon around the pool. All of this occurred while my parents also ran their grocery shop at the front of our property and to which our home was attached.
Often there’d be a dozen or even twenty people for Sunday lunch and my parents were never alarmed when new people showed up, often unannounced.
One couple, apparently our mother’s distant cousins, were regulars. Harold and Muad (of course not their real names) were known for their wealth and their beach-side home in an affluent part of the city.
Harold and Maud were regulars, coming Sunday after Sunday for lunch, often staying for dinner.
After my parents sold the grocery shop and after my mother’s death, dad let me know he’d dropped in to see the cousins while out on a Sunday afternoon drive to ease his loneliness.
“Can you come back later, we are having lunch,” said Harold.
There is so much to learn from two readers who have responded to a recent column about unfinished grief:
“My husband died after a very long illness (about 8 years, although it’s hard to know when exactly it started) and after the initial shock, which lasted about three months, I started to think again. I can now say, five years later, that I am very grateful his pain has ended and some relief has come to our immediate and extended family. Of course I wanted a different outcome but I am now living with what I have.”
“Thank you for sharing the Path of Grief. My husband died almost 3 years ago. I still feel I am on a journey without him and could not contemplate ‘moving on.’ It’s a process and we who are grieving are all on our own path. Life is just so so different after losing a partner, I was married for 61.5 years so never knew a life without my husband but day by day we begin to live again as they would want us to. I’m one of these people who continually talks to my late husband telling him things that are happening in my life and with the family.”
Disney? Grand Canyon? Broadway? Statue of Liberty? Washington DC?
My dad loved all of the above on his several visits to the United States and recalled them each with great fondness.
But, dad’s real love of this nation was rather peculiar, and once he made me aware of it, it was easy and inexpensive to provide.
He loved the rural breakfast spots. He enjoyed these often-crowded establishments where the waitresses called him honey and sweetie-pie and yelled customer orders at the short-order cook who in turn yelled order up while cracking eggs and turning strips of bacon and shifting piles of hash browns on the crowded grill.
He enjoyed the back-chat between the waitresses and the regulars whose orders they remembered through sheer repetition and whose wives and families they knew.
Dad loved to sit at the counter rather than at a table so he could watch the action, admire the efficiency, and eavesdrop on the behind the counter banter among veteran waitstaff.
On our first visit to such an establishment, his bottomless cup of coffee filled for the third time, dad remarked, “Just like in the movies, bring me here again, this is the real America!”
When conversations occur with strangers – a dwindling pronomen with humanity’s baptism into the Internet, cell-phones and obsessive scrolling – the “what do you do for a living?” question is often asked.
People offer a version of “all I want to be is happy.”
“What does that look like, what does that mean? How will you know when you are?” is met with confusion.
I get the impression I am supposed to know, that there is common knowledge of what it means to be happy.
I’d suggest happiness is the fruit of seeking and finding a meaningful place within a community. It is to “cut your coat according to your cloth.” It is a by-product of having several equal, respectful relationships, relationships where you are not in charge, calling the shots, determining everything but are playing your unique part in mutual endeavors.
It is to be wildly generous with possessions, resources, time.
Happiness is the result of an inward journey to shed aged resentments and petty grievances and to shed even those that are not so petty, even well-earned, and not so aged.
Without a conscious inward journey we will be trying to settle past scores, issues which will continue to disrupt the present and guide the future into emotional pothole after pothole of unresolved history where happiness will remain elusive and beyond reach.
difficultrelationships.com 