Meaning
I want my life to count, make a difference, contribute to the greater good, to have MEANING.
I cannot exist in a vacuum, but in a community with persons of similar desires to create something beautiful with the skills, resources, and years that we have at our disposal.
I want to serve a cause that is greater than my own fulfillment.
I want to plant now, so people I may never meet or know or hear of me, may harvest something rich and rewarding in their futures.
E is for Empower and Enable
Do I Empower others or Enable?
I EMPOWER others and myself when I get out of their way and anticipate that they will speak for themselves. I am empowered when I understand and apply the critical distinction between being responsible TO others but NOT and responsible FOR other adults. I empower others when I allow choices and consequences of choices to run their course. I am empowered when I learn to distinguish between helpful pain, necessary, useful anxiety, what to embrace and what to ignore. I am empowered when I work at healthy, necessary separation, even when in love, and even when having strong soul-ties.
I ENABLE others if I lie to cover, run interference, or protect others, in hopes of keeping people employed, protected, or “close.” I am an enabler if I feel overburdened with mis-placed responsibility or rewarded with mis-placed responsibility for anyone. I am enabling others when I feel like I am living more than ONE life. I am enabling when someone’s choices – both good and bad – feel like my responsibility. I am enabling when I am unable to see myself as a separate being from another, and regard the connection as “oneness” or love, a soul-tie, making the enabling crucial, necessary, and somehow inescapable.
DIFFERENTIATION of Self – a Murray Bowen family systems principle and term – is a life-long internal journey to be my distinct self, while also honoring, enjoying, recognizing the benefits of togetherness with others. It is the challenge every human must face.
If I avoid growth, I will fuse, I will be enmeshed with others, many of whom will appear to welcome the company of equally growth-avoidant people. They may find it very attractive, even “spiritual.” Little will feel as spiritual as a good fuse-buddy.
Enmeshment, or fusion, will make me more likely to place responsibility on others, even blame others, for the way in which my life develops.
Contrarily, to differentiate is to get into the driver’s seat of my life and provide a platform for maximum growth for myself and everyone in my circle of influence.
Differentiation of Self is being aware of not confusing the “I” the “you,” and the “we,” but giving the best of myself AND getting the best for myself from all three. I can be simultaneously intimate and autonomous, I can and will define myself, knowing that if I do not, others will naturally be inclined to fill the vacuum and define who I am for me.
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STUDY: John 21: 1-19
We have repeatedly discussed each of the 8 Bowen Concepts and looked at discussed genograms. I think you have worked very hard. I have tried to demonstrate how the concepts interlock and how they are Bowen’s observations about how families and groups and society “works” and evolves.
In closing today I would like to look at:
ANXIETY (3 kinds) / NON-ANXIOUS PRESENCE
Definitions of Growth and Holiness and Spirituality
And try to answer any questions you may have.
Scripture: John 18: 1– 14
THE EIGHT BOWEN CONCEPTS
We have talked at various depths about 6 of the 8 concepts. Today we shall complete the underlined 2 – my hope is that you will see how they all interlock, a sort of rubik cube where all the parts are all the parts and yet all separate at the same time – I know, I know, not easy to visualize!
* Today’s Scripture passage illustrates Differentiation of Self under the most extreme of conditions. It also illustrates societal emotional process (mass behavior) although that comes later than the portion of reading,
** A family genogram
Your three adult (your NOW) genograms.
Review of Monday
– what was learned? (not what was taught?)
Group Study: Luke 10:25-37 – an attempt to get a glimpse at how dangerous this parable really is, how brave Jesus was to tell it, and how dangerous it is to water it down to simply mean helping someone who is in distress. It is about far more than that.
Genogram at an age between 8 and 14 years of age.
The Eight Interlocking Concepts of Bowen Theory
Much occurs when people meet.
Within milliseconds the drawbridge – we each have one – may go down with a hearty welcome or remain up and sealed shut.
There may be Immediate comfort or discomfort, or levels of both.
Suspicions may be endorsed or deleted.
Information and misinformation transmission occurs at a speedy rate.
We read and misread and read and misread each other constantly – all within the backdrop of our unique experiences and training, our hurts, pains, goals, and desires – known and unknown.
The accent (if one party is not from “here”) is loaded with meaning. Clothes (anything unusual); laid-back or dominant stance; voice tone, volume, intonations; levels of energy or lack thereof, are cumulatively processed.
Triggers can be triggered. Stereotypes ignited. Warmth flows, or doesn’t.
The wave, the handshake, the hug, smile or frown, degrees of sincerity or insincerity are downloaded by the “who-are-you” antenna and the “can I trust you” antenna issued to all at birth to be processed with the morass of stored history, experience, memories, good and bad.
Every encounter is a miracle.
And, yes, with all that, we — you and I – are called to be neighbors and to love one another.
Introduction to Bowen Theory and to the week ahead.
Exercise: PSALM 23
Genograms.
This is a drawing of any client’s family relationships covering at least three generations. It is always a “drawing in progress and process” as people and families are constantly evolving (chabing, growing).
The genogram is a predictive tool (it is not determinative) revealing what’s likely to occur within a family (where and when there is no intervention) by seeing what’s set in motion by preceding and passed on from generations.
My hope is that each student and staff member will complete his or her Genogram.
All family members are deeply connected to all other family members. The manner in which people are connected either nourishes or drains individuals and the entire network – and, of course – many relationships do both and at the same time.
Size (power, perceived importance, lack of boundaries) matters in all relationships – family or not.
What is desired and the goal for all of our relationships? Respect, Mutuality, Equality.
It is my pleasure and joy to near Geneva in Switzerland this week where I will teach Family Systems theory and practice. Over our five days together I hope to:
While every class is unique and the material is designed for each group, my focus is always to encourage deep engagement from every person. As insights are shared the way opens for the group process to be at least as powerful as the content.
You are welcome to follow the class by reading the daily posted outlines at www.DifficultRelationships.com.
How to be low-maintenance.
Join me as I continue my journey toward being a low-maintenance person:
difficultrelationships.com 