Within milliseconds the drawbridge – we each have one – may go down with a hearty welcome or remain up and sealed shut.
There may be Immediate comfort or discomfort, or levels of both.
Suspicions may be endorsed or deleted.
Information and misinformation transmission occurs at a speedy rate.
We read and misread and read and misread each other constantly – all within the backdrop of our unique experiences and training, our hurts, pains, goals, and desires – known and unknown.
The accent (if one party is not from “here”) is loaded with meaning. Clothes (anything unusual); laid-back or dominant stance; voice tone, volume, intonations; levels of energy or lack thereof, are cumulatively processed.
Triggers can be triggered. Stereotypes ignited. Warmth flows, or doesn’t.
The wave, the handshake, the hug, smile or frown, degrees of sincerity or insincerity are downloaded by the “who-are-you” antenna and the “can I trust you” antenna issued to all at birth to be processed with the morass of stored history, experience, memories, good and bad.
Every encounter is a miracle.
And, yes, with all that, we — you and I – are called to be neighbors and to love one another.
Introduction to Bowen Theory and to the week ahead.
Exercise: PSALM 23
Genograms.
This is a drawing of any client’s family relationships covering at least three generations. It is always a “drawing in progress and process” as people and families are constantly evolving (chabing, growing).
The genogram is a predictive tool (it is not determinative) revealing what’s likely to occur within a family (where and when there is no intervention) by seeing what’s set in motion by preceding and passed on from generations.
My hope is that each student and staff member will complete his or her Genogram.
All family members are deeply connected to all other family members. The manner in which people are connected either nourishes or drains individuals and the entire network – and, of course – many relationships do both and at the same time.
Size (power, perceived importance, lack of boundaries) matters in all relationships – family or not.
What is desired and the goal for all of our relationships? Respect, Mutuality, Equality.
If we had a chance to talk and listen to each other, here are a few things I would enjoy talking about:
I’d like to talk about what each of us is really good at and hear and tell a few stories to demonstrate our identified strengths.
I’d like to hear about three or four defining moments in your life – when things shifted or directions changed – and tell you about a few of mine.
I would like each of us to hear about the people who love us or have loved us and for us to tell a few stories about how the love is (or was) expressed.
I would like to hear about how you see your future – no matter what your age – and have an opportunity to tell how I see mine.
I would like to hear of occasions when you have been misunderstood and what others tend to misunderstand about you. I’ll be more than ready to let you in on my experiences of being misunderstood.
I would like to hear about what you want and tell you about what I want. If we get this far in our talking I hope we are both ready for the most spiritual discussion possible which is deciding and declaring what we really want.
The “outside world” can be a dangerous place for children.
Another exceedingly dangerous environment for children can also be their own homes. While medicine cabinets, cleaning materials and unlocked swimming pool gates are a legitimate threat to the child-safety, the unguarded mouth of an angry adult can inflict grievous harm to a child.
A vigilant parent might install childproof locks yet leave a totally exposed web of anger in every room of the house. Unresolved anger in a parent, expressed through unpredictable displays of frustration and annoyance or rage, can quite effectively sabotage a childhood and even pass a baton of anxiety and rage to unborn generations. It is in their own homes that children might be at most in danger. At home they learn about trust, and exercise the most trust. It is at home they will learn, or fail to learn, by watching and experiencing, almost everything they will ever know about love.
It is at home they will make the most mistakes and receive the most affirmation and correction. It is at home that children will learn about fear and hurt and rejection and empathy and love and acceptance.
Children are constantly seeing, feeling, learning, trying, sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing, watching, waiting and taking it all in.
Monitoring diets is a crucial aspect of childhood health. Another “diet” is the calm, security, predictability and warmth healthy parents can provide.
If you have the opportunity to see “The King of Broken Things” run at it.
What thoughts keep you awake or greet you first on waking?
What thoughts can you not shake?
I will let you in on what’s on my mind if you are interested.
If you are not, I understand.
I often sigh and move on when I receive a parallel invitation.
In November 2023 had the joy of teaching young adults near Lome, Togo.
I noticed groups of children walking to and from school. The chatter (in French) caught my ears; the neat and proudly worn uniforms, my eyes. The shared joy and delight of the children touched and warmed my soul.
I asked questions here and there to find that the school is indeed on the same property where I was teaching and run by the same organization.
I requested a visit.
It’s a bamboo L shaped structure. In one corner of a sandy play area there is a single netball hoop with no net. The student body of about 250 children, Kindergarten to about Grade 6, under the tutelage of about 10 faculty, using merger supplies, are heads down and studying, reading, or writing notes off more-than-used chalkboards.
In one room there was beautiful singing.
As I walked through each bamboo room I saw joy and serious study occurring.
I found out that when the weather changes all are sent home to safety until bad weather passes.
Contact me if you’d like to assist – and build a classroom or two.
If you are a taxpayer in the USA and give a gift (large or small) your gift to OPENHAND INTERNATIONAL, INC will be tax deductible.
When engaging those of advanced age, approach with deep respect, kindness, openness.
Expect to be enthralled, to learn.
Besides, in a flash of time — yes, 30, 40, even 60 years, is a flash of time — and it’ll be you.
Listen rather than speak.
Learn, rather than try to teach.
Wait, hold onto yourself.
Offer time for a reflective exchange.
Imagine how you’ll want to be treated in a few years — and do that.
The life experience embodied in the person before you, if you’ll take the time to hear, will astound you. But, it requires necessary time to hear and the power to resist the urge to do all the talking.
Be aware of chasing away an elderly person’s desire to engage you because you talk too much. I’ve seen Elderly People resort to silence rather than compete with the know-it-all nature that often comes with youth.
Ask questions and be willing to listen. Ask about former careers and accomplishments. Ask about love and loss and grief and recovery and you may learn more about love and commitment than you imagined. Remind yourself, as you listen, that being elderly is not a liability but an invaluable asset to adult sons and daughters and grandchildren and great grandchildren and to society at large.
Engage exactly how you will hope to be engaged a few years from now.
I shall reply more fully soon. I’m at a wedding in the midlands and quite busy with family.
I will be in a position for a better reply soon.
May I publish your letter on my website. If yes, do you want your name, or any other details withheld?
Rod Smith
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May 7, 2024
Dear Rod
I am pleased that my sharing with you of the changes in my destiny, have been a joy for you, Rod!
I can compare this message to a sermon – one is never sure whether the seed has fallen on rich soil or fallow ground/rocks.
You have my permission to publish my letter on your website – with no withholding of any of the content, nor any changes needed.
I notice that the family wedding in the Midlands, is followed by a busy programme being imminent!
Regards,
Gary
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May 3, 2024
Dear Rod
Earlier this week I read your response to the fund-raising decision on behalf of Dale College, by the new incoming Northwood headmaster, Dr Garth Shaw.
Your comment mirrored the many pearls of wisdom which I have read since your first contributions (2001) to the column in the Mercury.
After 38 years in the banking world, and aged 58 years, I was not happy to ride out another huge change with a Barclays, UK, takeover looming over Absa Bank.
It was amazing how a colleague anonymously dropped off your article dated 4/4/2001.
Question: I’m tired of the “rat race” yet too poor to retire. Any suggestions?
Answer: If all you have is money, indeed you are poor.
Your message was very clear to me!
As one of the leaders in the province, I was aware of the enormity of the early retirement, by 5 years, a decision which I needed to embrace.
That was a turning point in my life, and career – and I have you and your message to thank, as I approach my 80th birthday this weekend.
Early in 2002 I retired, and I was well looked after by my employer.
My wife and I spent the next 10 months converting our family home at 71 Old Mill Way, Durban North, into what was ultimately a large 4-star bed and breakfast – Cornerstone! It was biblically named, and over the next 13 years we hosted 13 Heartbeat Healing ministry weekends, on behalf of St Martin’s church, in Chelsea Drive.
It was time to move on, and late in 2016 we sold the house and business, and moved to Doone Retirement Village in Manors, Pinetown.
Suffice to say we are very active in numerous activities and ministries – “Here I am, send me” is our witness.
Both of our grandsons are at Northwood, They will enjoy and benefit from the quality leadership of Dr Shaw, from the beginning of the 3rd term.
Thank you for your words of truth and wisdom, which changed my life path for the better!
Behold — look closely, observe, see, acknowledge, identify — your Mother.
We all have or had one.
No matter what your memory, treasured for its overwhelming sense of love and acceptance and unconditional positive regard, or the sad antithesis of all that is good and associated with good mothers and mothering: behold your mother.
Consider your mother as you would fine and treasured art, a masterpiece and, then, give thanks.
Remember the good times.
Recall the hard times, recall the challenges you gave to your mother and the challenges your mother brought to you.
The woman you called mother brought to the unique relationship with you, experiences and heartbreaks and history of which you, as a child would know nothing.
Yet, you’d know and experience and benefit, and even suffer the impact of it all, all she is, or was.
Behold, living or dead, known or unknown, behold, appreciate your mother.
There is something wildly healthy about doing so be your mother saint or villain, victor or victim, well or unwell.
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Emotional Wellness and Living An Authentic Life will be my topics at The Westville Bowling Club on May 9, 2024. Please email Shirley@ShirleyWilliams.co.za for details in the event you’d like to attend.
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Sunday, May 12, 2024 I shall have the privilege of delivering the Mothers Day sermon at the two morning services (7:30 and 9:15am) at Musgrave Methodist Church on the Berea.
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Saturday 11th from 9-12 with Terry Angelos at ST. Michael’s in Umhlanga…..
Instantly, he replied, with a link to nine varieties of venomous snakes inhabiting Namibia. The communication left me with the distinct impression I’d be tripping over nesting pythons, wrestling extended families of puff-adders, fending off multiple varieties of mambas at every turn.
Ours was the only flight coming into Hosea Kutako International Airport, Windhoek, for a few hours. The immigration officials appeared rather pleased to stamp the Boeing 737-load of us in. I was more than pleased to be admitted after the 20 minute walk from the parked Airlink aircraft to the airport buildings. The African sun blazes, I tell you.
Airlink, I understand is a rather new South African carrier, an airline I have found to be friendly and efficient. It’s interesting that even on the quick domestic hauls — at least the flights I’ve enjoyed— Airlink finds it possible and profitable to serve all passengers delightfully boxed meals in recently sealed time-stamped containers each with fresh fruit and an “African dessert.” The part I most enjoy is washing it down with a traditionally served hot cup of tea – while there remains a selection of wines freely available.
Namibia, formerly South West Africa until 1990, is large, mostly desert, and Windhoek, one of the major cities is a two hour flight almost directly north South Africa’s “Mother City,” Cape Town. My immediate impression: Windhoek is as vibrant and modern as any large metropolitan city anywhere in the west, while rural Namibia is as rural as I have known on this fabulous continent.
The “Foundations of Counseling Ministries” students and facilitating staff whom I am teaching for the week make a full classroom of 20 hailing from 7 nations: Kenya, Zimbabwe, Namibia, Netherlands, Switzerland, South Africa, and Tanzania. Each student is in a different part of his or her journey towards a degree from The University of The Nations.
Next week I will be back in South Africa and in my home town. I will attend the wedding of my great niece and speak at a few public gatherings, one of which will be a live, three hour discussion with Terry Angelos, the best selling author of “White Trash” subtitled “My Year As a High Class Call Girl.” The memoir is as graphic and tough to read as it is redemptive and full of hope and joy.
If you follow my “On The Road” series of columns, you may have noticed that this time I have not written about the long flight from Newark to Cape Town or the inconveniences that come with international travel.
Here’s why: the teacher for the week in a parallel class offered on this Namibian rural campus, which is 840 acres of sprawling bush with a settlement of houses and classrooms sitting somewhere in the middle, arrived between 2 and 3am on Monday after a 9 hour public bus ride — think Greyhound — from a town in northern Namibia.
Bishop Leonard was up and teaching within a few hours.
I am over complaining about the inconveniences of Boeing and Airbus travel, thank you, Bishop Leonard.
On days when I feel like a local adventure I drive for Uber. I have to believe there is something powerful at play when it comes to coincidences.
This week I picked up a passenger from an obscure petrol station in a busy truck stop. The gentleman headed for the front passenger door, which I have noticed, only South Africans and Australians tend to do. The rider revealed he’s from KZN, specifically Isipingo. I immediately practiced my limited Zulu with him and we are both taken aback by the serendipitous nature of our meeting. On the same day, hours later, another passenger informs me that he goes regularly to visit the elephants at Thula Thula Game Park in KZN — and spends a few days in Umhlanga on the way!
KZN’s own best selling author Terry Angelos and I will have a morning together where we talk about her memoir “White Trash.” We will discuss her powerful work and its themes of redemption and reconciliation. You are welcome to attend. Terry will talk about her book and I hope to show how Terry has unintentionally revealed several fundamental principles of Family Therapy, applicable to all families of all cultures. Join us please for this 3 hour morning session on May 11, 2024. Shirley@ShirleyWilliams.co.za has all the details.
difficultrelationships.com 