Archive for ‘Domination’

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September 29, 2006

He wants me to leave my job and move to a small town…

by Rod Smith

Reader Writes: I’m months away from getting married to a man who works and lives in a small town. Over a few months we had problems because wants me to come live with him, and, as much as I’d love to live in with him, I have a job and can’t imagine myself staying at home not working. It would kill me. I do not want to lose being independent and I am scared of depending on him for everything, including money. He has given me an ultimatum before, and since we are so close to getting married, I know that he will make me choose again between the life that I love (working and being financially independent) or staying with him to be a house-wife. I love him but I’m not sure if I can give up everything I am  and have, including my happiness, for him. I also think it’s unfair of him to expect me to be the one doing all the sacrificing. Do you think I’m being unfair and unreasonable? (Letter shortened)

Rod Responds: Ultimatums sre not in the language of love. If this man had any sense he’d come running to join the wise woman your letter reveals you to be. Rethink everything. I’d suggest this is probably not a good match!

Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Domination | Leave a Comment »

August 22, 2006

I don’t normally enjoy your column…

by Rod Smith

Dear Rod,

I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t normally enjoy your column! The reason is that you tend to be too judgmental and autocratic. Maybe you are thinking now that I’m being defensive and reactive because your answers touch a soft spot with me. You may very well be correct but I believe the reason is because nothing is ever so definite and ‘black and white’ in any relationship. Though we always do feel as though this is true – the old big, fat ego again.

I have attached one of your previous column’s which my boyfriend put next to my bedside and gave some of our friends a copy to ‘prove’ to them that I was such an awful person and exactly what you had written applied 100% to me. Very hurtful!

I wrote that letter to our psychologist who we were seeing for help in our relationship. I now go alone as he says I am the one with the problems, I am the one that needs to change and he is perfect – yes, 100% correct and with no personality flaws.

With regards to today’s question and answer: I do identify with this woman as my boyfriend does attack, insult, character assassinate and yell at me. a couple of months ago I used to react equally as provocatively and angrily. I now do not react as I have realised it is when he is inebriated, worrying about his Mom who has cancer, or his business which is in dire straits or all of the above. This by no means justifies his behaviour but at least I am not perpetrating the behaviour or getting caught up in the lose-lose situation. He inevitably calms down and carries on as though nothing has transpired.

His ‘good’ side is 80% of the time and he is the most generous, affectionate, fun-loving, passionate man I have ever known so it far out-weighs the dark side!

However, I have stayed in destructive relationships prior to this for the simple reason that I have had to believe and ‘buy’ and allow the verbal abuse – e.g. I am stupid, argumentative and have serious mood swings for no rhyme or reason – because if I didn’t I would have to walk away because nobody can believe they are loved if someone accuse you of these atrocities and they are NOT true. Do you understand the logic here? I’m finding it difficult to articulate. I just mean you have to buy into the story so that you believe the love is there and that person can help you change and then, only then, will the relationship work. Psychi of an abused woman?

Anyway the other issue is, to quote you, “Tell me what keeps a person in a relationship that apparently offers nothing but pain and humiliation?” We stay in relationships like this because it does not just offer pain and humiliation! We don’t discuss or question the beauty and joy and comfort and compassion because there isn’t a problem on that side and we desperately want to correct and heal the dark side. Also it seems that in some relationships we desperately want the roller coaster ride because without the lows and dips they can’t have the elating, endorphin releasing highs. another reason for staying or being ‘trapped and the victim’ is low self esteem – get them to watch Oprah’s show!

I adore all your advice re kids, parenting – single and step! Thank you for that! God bless and I’m sure you’re helping hundreds of people.

Reader
Durban, South Africa

Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Therapeutic Process, Victims | 4 Comments »

July 5, 2006

A reader writes….

by Rod Smith

Hi Rod:

I read your column (in our morning newspaper) everyday and it’s like you already know me. I have just ended a horrific relationship which ended on a very bad note. I was trapped under his spell for three long, painful years. Lots of crying, and my poor heart was so trodden on. He is an alcoholic and had dangerous temper tantrums including smashing five of my windows in my flat whilst my children were with me. He nearly died with the injuries and as a result has a messed up hand which will haunt him forever.

It was a relationship that we both knew was bad for both of us. We brought out the worst in each other but loved each other to distraction. He proposed last year, I accepted then called it off at the end of January this year. Months went by with him stringing me along – he didn’t know what he wanted, made up all sorts of excuses and I couldn’t take it anymore. He left with his tail between his legs three weeks ago. I changed my cell number and barred him of sending me emails. He is such a coward and could never stand up for anything or make decisions.

Please keep up the encouraging daily tips.

Megan

Posted in Anger, Domination, Trust, Victims | Leave a Comment »

June 13, 2006

Wife flirts at parties and I do not like it

by Rod Smith

My wife and I have lots of fights because at parties and family occasions she flirts with all the men. And NEVER flirts with me. She says she is just being friendly. I cannot understand why she carries on doing something she knows I do not like. What should I do?

It sounds like your wife has a lot more fun at parties and family occasions than you do. I'd suggest you stay home. If her friendliness is so threatening to you she ought to go alone. There are several reasons she "carries on doing something she knows" you do not like: she likes it; it is innocent; she understands it is not a good idea for you to control how she has fun.

Perhaps, if you took your focus off your wife and relaxed a little, she would want to flirt with you. Jealousy is not very attractive. The sooner you realize that your jealousy is your problem and that it has nothing at all to do with her behavior, the sooner you will be over it.

Two things: 1. He (or she) who has the feeling (in this case jealousy) has the problem. 2. Love and control cannot coexist in the same relationship.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Love, Manipulation | 102 Comments »

June 6, 2006

It all began so well — then he showed who he really is

by Rod Smith

“I met my ‘Prince Charming’ through an acquaintance. We hit it off from the beginning, but without any emotional fireworks. We shared a passion for ballroom dancing, and found we had much else in common: a love of the outdoors, music, humor; we are both financially independent, and we are both divorced with grown-up children. I thought it strange that he had no close friends and did not socialize beyond a very small circle, and that he showed no interest in introducing me to any of his family members, other than his married daughter. This should have been the first alarm bell to ring.

”Gradually he became more controlling, but in very subtle ways. He monitored what I ate and drank. He criticized my dancing when it wasn’t up to his standard. I had to live up to all his expectations all the time. He criticized my political opinions. Slowly but surely, he began to criticize all my opinions. There were violent outbursts of temper if I stood up to him in any way. Yet through all this, he remained the caring, thoughtful man I had grown to love, particularly when we were in the company of others, and I was so flattered that he was interested in me.” (Extracted from a much longer letter)

Posted in Anger, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation | 2 Comments »

May 18, 2006

Partner abuse

by Rod Smith

(Published in THE MERCURY, 05/18/06)

Partner abuse is not restricted to physical abuse. This is misleading. Emotional and psychological abuse, while not requiring visits to the hospital, can be as equally devastating as domestic violence. It (emotional abuse) IS also Domestic Violence.

If your relationship drains your self-esteem, isolates you, feels more like a prison sentence than a loving relationship, it is likely you are in a controlling, abusive relationship.

If any one of the following is true I’d suggest you get immediate outside help:

1. When you talk about your feelings your partner railroads the discussion and gives you no time to think or express yourself.

2. You can’t discuss what is bothering you for fear of things getting out of hand.

3. Your partner criticizes, humiliates and undermines you.

4. He or she ridicules you when you express yourself and ridicules your family and friends.

5. He or she keeps you “in line” by withholding money, the car, the phone.

6. He or she has stolen from you and run up debts for you to handle.

7. He or she has thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you, opens and reads your mail, checks your phone bill and reads your emails.

8. You are often afraid of the person you are supposed to be closest to.

Posted in Anger, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sexual abuse, Space, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence | 18 Comments »

May 9, 2006

He won’t decide……. after 20-plus years!!!

by Rod Smith

Reader’s Letter and Question:

“I am in a relationship with a married man since 1983. My family was totally against this. When the relationship started I was informed that my partner was going through a rough time and he had only married his wife because she was pregnant and he was responsible to take care of the children. As my relationship developed, when I questioned him about my future he advised that his children were still young and he grew up without a father and did not want the same to happen to his children. I have been waiting since then for him to make up his mind and make a decision but to date he has not. The relationship was ‘on and off’ as he was always insecure about me because of my openness with people and my previous relationships. He has not learnt to forgive me. He keeps telling me that he loves me and things are going to work out but all this time have past and I am now in my early forties and am getting lonely.”

Response:

You have been thoroughly duped by a very selfish man. He HAS made his decision and it is to use you for his own ends for as long as you will allow it.

Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Domination, Victims, Violence | 7 Comments »

March 26, 2006

Partner disrespects me; treats me like a doormat

by Rod Smith

My partner treats me like a doormat. I don’t mind doing the things he asks me to do if he’d show some appreciation now and again. I work all day while he is home watching movies and talking to friends on the Internet. When I am home he doesn’t have time with me because he has to focus on getting a job. He gets angry and silent when I am not all happy to see him and the truth is that I am not very happy to see him because he is hard work and very demanding. Please help.

I bet you could tell me every detail about this man’s behavior, yet be stumped if I ask you about your own. He treats you this way because you allow it. When you start to stand up for yourself and you refuse to be abused, he will move on to the next willing doormat. Sadly many women are willing to put up with lazy and abusive men so he will have no problem finding another willing host for his leech-like behavior. You’d be better off without this man but it will first require you to be able to face the prospect of being alone.

Posted in Domination | 1 Comment »

March 15, 2006

Three poisons for love: Manipulation, Intimidation, and Domination

by Rod Smith

TUYL

Stay OUT of control...

When people have to use intimidation, manipulation or domination, the relationship is already spoiled or poisoned. It has become a power play of control. Redeeming such a relationship is possible with the implementation of a wise plan, strongly re-defined boundaries, enduring commitment, and the possibility of a time of separation in order that perspective might be gained.

Willingness and desire to be together, equality between people and complete mutuality are the hallmarks of healthy relationships. Where any form of strong-arm tactics are used, the relationship has already taken a turn to become something harmful to both the parties.

Each of these relationship-poisons (manipulation, domination and intimidation) can be very subtle, coming in different shapes, sizes, and intensities.

Here are some of the evidences of manipulation, intimidation, and domination in a relationship:

1. The relationship has been kept on an unequal footing in order that one person might keep power over another. In a severely controlling relationship, both persons might have forgotten there are choices at all.

2. One person tries to get what he or she wants without declaring what is wanted. In attempting to get what the one person wants, both persons are in some way diminished.

3. One person does not see the other as totally free.

Confused boundaries4. One person tries to get what he or she wants through threats or withdrawal.

5. It is expected that every move, thought, and feeling will be reported at least from the less-dominant person to the other. If one person is unwilling to tell all, it is assumed there is something to hide.

6. One person is not free to make plans without consulting or getting permission from the other.

7. One person in the relationship continually evaluates and examines the commitment and love of the other.

8. The dominant person tells the other how they should feel and usually re-scripts any division or disagreement into the appearance of unity.

9. One person feels at liberty to speak for both people and then, is offended when the partner wants to express his or her own views.

10. Desire for self-expression or a distinct voice (by one) is considered betrayal or a lack of trust (by the other).

11. One person expects unilateral support for his or her opinions, choices and desires, declaring somewhat of an attitude which says: If you say you love me then you have to love everything about me, under all conditions, and all of the time.

12. Difference in opinion or having different interests is considered a lack of love, or a lack of respect and commitment.

Simple definitions and a metaphor which might be helpful in considering the three “cancers” of relationships:

Manipulation: playing chess with another person or with people. Maneuvering as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into loving us or doing what we want.Explosive

Domination: playing chess with another person or with people as in manipulation. The difference is the dominator has removed the opponent’s pieces without declaring so in the first place.

Intimidation: playing chess with another person or with people where winning and losing comes with either the threat of punishment or actual punishment.

Healthy Relationships: There is no element of either winning or losing; they are not a game of chess at all and are free of tactics and agenda.

Posted in Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Sex matters | 40 Comments »

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March 14, 2006

My boyfriend tells me what clothes to wear and it annoys me. What must I do?

by Rod Smith

Don't feed jelousy....

Don't feed jelousy....

Buy him a mannequin and flee! He can dress the dummy in whatever clothes he deems suitable as often as he pleases. The mannequin will give him the total control he wants over you, and, since dummies are brainless, he will be able to win all arguments and keep “her” in total submission.

That you ask the question suggests you are putting up a fight and resisting his advances on your brain. Small-minded men (any who dictate what “their” women wear, to whom they talk, how they spend and arrange their time) usually flee any sign of independent thinking on a woman’s part if, at first, they cannot kill it. Strong women frighten them since they confuse control and “love.”

Don’t fall for it. Love and control are not even in the same family. A man who wants to dictate how you dress will also want to tell you how to think, feel, and see before long. Men who want to control “their” women do so because they are rarely capable of feeling in control of anything else. A healthy man will leave your clothing choices up to you unless you specifically elicit his opinion.

Posted in Domination, Manipulation, Trust | 28 Comments »

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