Tuesday

Observations regarding professional athletes, especially those whose rise to stardom is rapid:

1. Getting their own way becomes a way of life, which often leads to troubled personal relationships. What works (determination, quick-thinking, force, charisma) on the field is not usually appealing in intimate relationships. The skills, useful to the athlete in action, can cause athletes to use force or passive/aggressive, or aggressive forms of punishment in personal relationships. This, of course, results in pain for those who are intimately associated with the athletes. Perhaps saddest of all, is that those closest to the athlete are seldom positioned to get help for fear of exposing the athlete to “hurtful” publicity.

2. Men (this is World Cup season) who have not necessarily been accustomed to fortunes are prone to mismanage their quickly acquired wealth and goodwill, and are therefore prone to live reckless lives in the heat of their newfound celebrity status.

The “wise” celebrity enjoys the applause without believing it (adoration can turn to crucifixion in a moment – just ask Tiger!), employs a reputable agents and financial advisors, seeks wise and regular personal counsel, pursues authentic humility, and is deliberate about understanding the separation between adoring, faceless crowds, and the true love born of blood and deep commitment.

Dear Sir,

Towards the end of 2004/ beginning of 2005 I wrote to ask your opinion and advice on my decision to leave my son with my parents to travel to London from Durban and work there for the duration of last year.

You encouraged me to go, stating that if I did not do so I would regret it and that, as long as I knew my son was in a safe environment, I should not allow my life to stand still for him. You even called me from your home to speak to me in this regard (when we spoke you informed me that you were related to Lynette who worked in my building at the time for Advocate John Pammenter).

I wanted to say a HUGE HUGE THANK YOU for all your encouragement. I did work in London for the duration of last year, recently arrived back, and am intending on returning again towards the end of March. My son was indeed no worse off by my decision, in fact my working there allowed me to pay for him to fly to London to visit me, a fantastic and exciting event for a child of 12! I have realised by my decision that I am no longer afraid to travel, that the world may be a huge place, but that I have many many more options available to me now, that I am not afraid to apply to work in other countries, that I would like to try and live abroad (with my son) and work and enjoy another country and their cultures.

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for your advice and encouragement in this regard. I am overwhelmed.

I wish you and your family all the best. Take care, and once again many many thanks!

Kind regards,

COLLEEN

Authentic gains in health in one relationship will have spinoff benefits for your other relationships. Offering your partner greater definition and clarity, standing up to him or her with necessary firmness will offer a generic shift for all your relationships. Defining yourself to your partner will improve the quality of relationship you have with your children. It’s a welcome, often unexpected spinoff. It’s counter-intuitive.

Similarly, if you want your relationship with your boyfriend to improve, develop a deeper bond with your dad. If you are having difficultly with your daughter, look at your relationship with your own mother. You will probably find some clues about how the difficulties are developing.

Members of your Family of origin (you, your parents, siblings, and your children) are intricately connected and the quality of the connection will significantly impact everyone in our circle of influence whether we intend it to or not.

“Our two-year marriage has been rocky. Two weeks ago he left and said he didn’t know how he felt about me. I found out he has been talking to another female for about two months. I have left him alone to give him time to think but I’m ready to know where he is in this. Today I took the opportunity to ask about where his feelings are. He said he had not thought about it much. Talk about a dagger through my heart. He said he was going to start traveling with his job and would be out of town about 8 months out of the year and we ought to throw in the towel. I told him that was not what I wanted but I would respect his decision. I am devastated! I love him and don’t want a divorce. Do you think there is any help for my situation? What do I do next?” (Edited)

He’s living with packed bags. It’s time for you to love yourself enough to want something better. If “better” is to be with your husband it will not be because of anything you do or do not do. Don’t leave your future in the hands of someone who treats you in this manner. Take up your life!

1. Writing this column is as much a part of my life as my morning coffee. Knowing you read it every day in The Mercury, and others get it in different formats in the USA and beyond, allows me a feeling of connection with my readers. I want you to know that schools in the USA close this week for summer, and my children and I will be traveling to Australia. I will spend one week of five fulfilling a speaking engagement in Singapore. I will apportion a segment of the column to reflections from the road.
2. Although somewhat indulgent, I cannot help but draw attention to the birth of my great nephews and niece in Durban this week. James, Adam, and Savannah Arthur were born to Sally and (Glenwood Old Boy) Brett Arthur. The triplets join siblings Kaylee and Amy. The Arthur family clearly take “Go forth and multiply” very seriously.
3. Glenwood High School is one hundred years old. This weekend the community will celebrate its fine history. I offer congratulations to all who have made Glenwood High School one of the top schools in the Southern Hemisphere. Good luck for tomorrow’s rugby – someone please email me the results!