I agree I could have been more helpful to the man who now avoids dating divorced women with children. Here’s a sample, with minimal editing, of the landslide of mail….

“A bit harsh weren’t you? (Mercury 7/10/2010). Unless the hapless running fellow gave you a lot more than you gave us, seems you were having a pretty rough day when you penned your tart response!”

“You obviously have no experience of dating a single mother. Her guilt and self-recrimination at the breakdown of her marriage drives her to over compensate and not discipline the child. There is also the problem of paternal visitation as you normalise the family dynamics. It’s time for the child to visit daddy and returns bitter and twisted having been used as a pawn in the divorce. So I suggest to Mr. Anonymous to run, like the wind and find a childless mother.”

“I would disagree with your quick judgment. The man’s tone is a little cynical, but usually you are tactful, honest, and helpful. It’s not about controlling. I think your opinion of how to balance a new three-way relationship like that would be helpful rather. The question you should address is what/how SHOULD a gentleman do / act in a relationship with a single mom.”

My beautiful story begins with an email two days after the 23rd birthday of a very special girl. You see, this girl is the daughter I gave up for adoption at birth. It was the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, mind-numbing thing I’ve ever had to do in my young life.

We found each other through an adoption website and quickly started communicating. I was shocked, excited and nervous all at the same time when we began exchanging emails. Will she accept me, judge me, be angry with me?

We made plans to reunite with family in August, it was a beautiful reunion. When our eyes met for the first time, the tears freely fell and we locked in an embrace that was so warm, beautiful and inviting I didn’t want to let go.

We spent hours looking at pictures of her life with this wonderful family that openly welcomed her as their own and raised her to be a beautiful, carefree, loving, responsible young woman.

She has welcomed her new family with open arms. We have so much more to discover about each other and my heart swells at the thought of her in my life.

My family is now complete.

submitted by “Shara”

It had been a sultry day in Durban and I had been rushing from meeting to meeting. En route to my final meeting I stopped off at a busy shopping centre to buy snacks for my book club. With ten minutes to get to my last meeting, I packed the shopping bags into the boot, closed it, and moved to the front door. A car guard was waiting politely to help me reverse from my parking spot. Car guards are plentiful in Durban. They can be “in your face” and generally not at all useful in assisting with either parking or exiting from a parking space. Many people (including me) consider them to be a nuisance.

As usual, I had no cash but I did find 50 cents in the car. I handed it to the car guard with an apology for the meager amount. I promised I’d him give more the next time. He looked at me, and, in perfect English and with an underlying French accent he said, “Madam, do not diminish your act of generosity by apologising for the amount given. It was given willingly, and with a smile. It is accepted with the same.”

Niki Armstrong

“Single mothers are highly problematic. I have dated two of them and the relationship typically suffers as a result of the mother-child relationship. When dating such a woman, one is jumping into the middle of the aftermath of a divorce, in some cases the ex-husband hanging around when the the ‘new’ boyfriend comes in. Then there’s the problem of the mother’s regimen of discipline toward the child, often non-existent. And, what can the ‘boyfriend’ really say or do about the child’s behavioral problems? Such ‘families’ have significantly and damaging bitter ends. While single mothers are attractive when I see one now I run the other way!”

I’d suggest you keep running – from all women. This will save at least a few women the tiresome bother of dating a man with controlling, narcissistic tendencies.

“Children at school call my son (8) hurtful names. He is not a rough, sports-crazy boy. He is soft, gentle and is used to being with two sisters. The name-calling is disturbing for him because he has no idea why it is happening. He doesn’t understand any other way to be a boy so he finds the taunts very confusing. Please help.”

Visit the school and do what is possible to protect your son. Alerting school authorities, while necessary, is unlikely to achieve much. Mean children are hard for any school to police.

Coach your son to stand up for himself. The sooner he learns he is able to speak up and defend his innocence, the better he will be equipped to do so for as long as it is necessary.

Create role-plays and games where he can use and hear his voice and become accustomed to the idea of speaking up on his own behalf.

Having done such an exercise with a few children and I know its power to defuse bullies and make your son a formidable, appropriate opponent of all who would try to belittle his strengths.

A parent responds:

“I read about the 8-year old boy who is being called names at school. This child might attend a traditional, boys-only school, where the notion of survival of the fittest reigns supreme.

“Too often fathers send their sons to such schools because they attended them or feel that this sort of limited learning environment will make ‘men’ of their boys. The truth is that these schools are outdated and lack a balanced view of what sort of character and skills we need to instill in future generations.

“While it’s all very well to try to teach our children to ‘stand up for themselves’ this often means introducing an approach totally foreign to the well-adjusted family. This child gets to school and is shocked into wordlessness when he/she encounter rudeness or violent behaviour – all learned behaviours from dysfunctional home environments where dissatisfied parents are to blame.

“Children mirror the behaviour witnessed within the family. It’s time we, as parents, faced up to and accepted this truth. The way we display our dissatisfaction within the primary relationship is the way we teach our children to deal with their relationships.

“My advice is that your parent removes the boy from that school and find a more enlightened establishment and then begin a programme of self defence skills.” (Edited)

It is the depth of the tie or entanglement between people that can keep couples together despite toxic circumstances like addictions, constant expressions of anger, violence, ridicule, or unfaithfulness.

“Why doesn’t she leave him after his unfaithfulness,” or “I wouldn’t put up with her drinking,” are easy observations to make when details are revealed about a troubled relationship – but it is not as simple as packing bags and moving out.

There are often children, schools, houses, cars, debts, and extended families keeping people together. There are memories. There’s the hope that things will improve. Being together has become a way of life. Even the most troubled relationship can make a person feel he or she belongs. Even the most controlling of marriages can feel “normal”.

For one couple a raging fight might be as “comforting” as a romantic dinner might be for another couple.

There are multiple overt and covert pressures that glue people together despite the most trying of circumstances.

It’s not love – it’s habit, hope, and a shared history that can make a conflicted relationship feel impossible to escape.

“I married 19 years ago. We have struggled but have always been able to talk through things. I am the major provider with a more established career. Our daughter turned 18 this year and moved in with her boyfriend before she finished school. This, and the global financial crises, has created turmoil in our life. He has moved out. He says if we are to get back together changes have to happen without defining the changes. I have been moody, depressed. We are working with two separate counselors. My counselor says he’s dealing with ‘emotional immaturity’ and being more ‘real.’ He said that a separation was not the best solution. His counselor told him a separation will do us good. She told him to avoid contact with me. I am devastated. I cry everyday and he says that pushes him farther away. I am not sure we are with the right counselors. I asked him to move back and he said that wasn’t a good idea.” (Heavily edited for space)

You will not be able to help the marriage until you begin to learn to care for yourself. Please set aside three days and read “A Walk on the Beach”, “A Year by the Sea” and “An Unfinished Marriage” – all by Joan Anderson.

I am thoroughly convinced that there are always reasons to hope. No matter how dire or conflicted the circumstance, no matter how bleak the prognosis, while there is life, and even beyond it, there remain reasons to be hopeful. Like you, I’ve seen hope in action. I’ve seen painful family scenarios, the most estranged of siblings, the most obstinate of personalities, turn, and find previously unimagined degrees of humility, and move in healthier directions.

But of course evil abounds, and it tries to rob us of hope. Of course men and women are capable of inflicting much hurt and destruction. But I believe that the good in this world by far outweighs the evil. There is goodness and kindness and benevolence latent in every man, woman, and child, and I believe it far exceeds an inner desire for hate and destruction.

And while I am well aware that this idea will be considered absurd in some circles, and heresy in others, I’d suggest that when a lonely woman reaches again for alcohol, or the deprived man engages in illicit behavior, or an adult or teenager self-destructs, these behaviors are desperate acts of prayer, desperate attempts at sanity, desperate attempts to relieve pain and even restore hope.

“My stepfather has become increasing verbally abusive to my mother, who only tries to please him. He has always had a reactive streak in him, and calmed down a few years ago, but with the increase of success within his business he has become far worse than I ever remember. I often overhear screaming fights where he lashes out at her, and tells her she is an idiot, has the brain capacity of a gnat and how he is the best she will ever find. When it comes to affection, he only shows me anything when there are other people around, and I have come to the realization that he does it purely as a front. He often states how much people admire him for taking on a family but with his character I doubt he would have a family without us. He emotionally abused my brother so much that he eventually left to live overseas to gain some peace and perspective. I am studying so listening to their fights is part of the package.” (Edited)

Abusive behavior will prevail and grow only if accommodated. Your stepfather has no incentive to change while his behavior is tolerated. You are an adult: remove yourself from his environment and hope your mother does the same.

1. To travel widely at home and abroad.
2. To ride a horse at full gallop.
3. To write a book.
4. To give away one full salary check at least once a year.
5. To forgive those who have offended, hurt, or damaged you.
6. To live intentionally in a community of family and friends.
7. To tutor a child who is struggling at school.
8. To affirm and thank those who have challenged you to live a life of integrity.
9. To be an agent of grace and healing for those who are suffering.
10. To identify each of your five to seven areas of gifting and deploy each one to its full capacity.