April 21, 2008
by Rod Smith
“The thing I never understood about my husband, and perhaps men in general, is that work is very important. When he’d sometimes choose to work rather than be home I mistakenly saw it as rejection. He sees working on the weekend as a way of making sure we have a home. He doesn’t need as much ‘together time’ as I do. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I just wish I had seen this a lot earlier. It would have made things easier in the beginning when I still believed I could change him or that he’d change himself for me. This is a very good marriage and I just see his career as one important part of it.” (Paraphrased)
“It took me years to understand that he doesn’t see love or passion or commitment like I do. I always wanted to lend him my thoughts or tell what he was supposed to say. This would just drive him crazy. Learning to listen to what he did not say was as important as trying to understand what he did say.” (Paraphrased)
“My husband will do anything for the children. He’s irrational when it comes to loving and protecting his daughters.” (Direct quote)
Posted in Communication, Differentiation |
1 Comment »
April 10, 2008
by Rod Smith
I'm going to have a great Friday
to make this an extraordinary day, to be followed by an extraordinary weekend. I have the ability required to be a loving, kind, firm, and responsible member of my family, my neighborhood, and my city.
I know how to serve others – and I will do so with a thankful heart.
I know how to listen to others – and I will do so with an attentive ear.
I know how to live a generous life – and I will give and help relieve the suffering of others.
Today, and this weekend, all people in my circle of influence will be better off for knowing me.
Children will get my ear.
The elderly will get my time.
Persons within my most intimate circle will get both.
I will not complain about anything. I will not pick on people. I will not focus on what is wrong with the world, but will try to be part of the healing it so desperately needs. I will live this weekend with a deep sense of gratitude, paying careful attention to the beauty and the vibrancy of life everywhere I go.
Posted in Differentiation |
2 Comments »
March 25, 2008
by Rod Smith
My family is troubled. We are facing financial issues, relationship problems, and change (one sister is getting married, one sister is getting divorced). I am 23 and feel as if my parents are looking to me to be the wise one. In the meantime I am trying to build my own life and get an education. I work two jobs and I really don’t feel like I have the time or the energy to be my family’s helper as well. I feel a lot of guilt over this. Please help. (Condensed)
There are no easy answers, no formula to tell you what you should or should not do, but there are broad guidelines: assume no debt you did not incur, go to the source of an issue rather than recruit others through gossip, define clearly what you will and will not do given any requests for help.
You will contribute more to your family’s problems (than you will contribute to the solutions) if you try to be more than a son to your parents and brother to your sisters. It takes great wisdom to avoid taking on what are not legitimately your responsibilities, and perhaps even greater wisdom to take responsibility for what are legitimately your responsibilities.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
2 Comments »
March 12, 2008
by Rod Smith
I find it fascinating that after seven years (I think it has been that long!) of You and Me I still get a stack of mail every day. Thanks. Thanks a lot! Three years ago I had so many readers asking for back issues of the column that I began posting the column on a website. This has resulted in almost half-a-million hits on www.DifficultRelationships.com from readers all over the world. I find all of this greatly satisfying and I owe the men and women of The Mercury and The Mercury readers much gratitude.
I am frequently asked about the column, about whether I get tired of reading about people’s problems, and whether I print letters as they come. I am also asked about the most common issues people face, and I am asked if I really do phone readers on occasion.
I do not get tired of hearing from readers no matter how troubled the circumstances may be. I do reduce letters to 200 words and I try to remove clues to the reader’s identity. Perhaps the most striking issue or theme unifying most family problems is the seeming unwillingness to speak up when problems first emerge. And, yes, I really do phone readers from time to time.
Thanks for reading You and Me.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
February 6, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Blind you from the real issues you and your family are facing.
2. Distort your thinking either by amplifying or by minimizing the real issues.
3. Make you inordinately suspicious of others and so you create “necessary” enemies.
4. Make you inordinately trusting of a few in whom you place all your trust.
5. Suck all the energy out of you so you can hardly function, or,
6. Shift you into a high gear of over-functioning (doing for sake of doing) until you all but collapse in exhaustion.
7. Make you overly nice (superficially pleasant, kind, or generous) in order to keep people from wondering what is really going on with you.
8. Isolate you from the people who love you so that you are “outside” of the walls of your own helpful, loving community.
9. Keep you up at night so you are rendered too tired to function well during the day.
10. Drive you to temporary relief found in substances, alcohol or unhelpful sexual or damaging religious activity.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
3 Comments »
February 2, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife still tries to dominate me and interfere in my life. I have moved on and have a new woman. My teenage daughter and I have a very good relationship but whenever my ex-wife is around I am reminded why I divorced her. How do I get her to understand she is divorced and must get a life of her own?”
Your mutual connection, the daughter whom you co-parent, will remain integral to both of your lives. It will therefore be to the advantage of all concerned if you remain kind, forthright and strong in all of your dealings with the woman whom you once loved enough to marry.
Include your “new woman” in as many interactions with your ex-wife as possible. This will serve as a constant reminder to your ex-wife that you have, in fact, moved on.
As an aside, I’d suggest that while your ex-wife’s behavior continues to elicit a strong reaction from you, you may not have “moved on” as much as you might think.
You remain as powerless over your ex-wife as you were when you were yet married. I’d suggest you take time to evaluate the reasons she can so effectively get under your skin. What is it about you, that her behavior so gets to you?
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships |
2 Comments »
January 30, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My parents are heavy smokers and I don’t want them smoking in my home. I am Biblically constrained to obey my parents and therefore feel I cannot ask them not to smoke when they visit me. Please help.” (Letter shortened)
You are an adult and therefore you are not “Biblically constrained to obey” your parents. Children are commanded in Scripture to “obey” their parents – and you are no longer a child. You, an adult, are to honor your parents and I’d suggest you could honor your parents while also requesting your mother and father to not smoke in your home.
Go ahead: speak up! It is your home and you are the one who must live with the lingering odors. An adult son or daughter who can engage in adult-to-adult conversations with his or her parents is indeed behaving in an honorable manner!
I am “constrained” declare that the Bible certainly does not expect any child to be blindly obedient to a toxic parent, and therefore be submitted to danger or abuse or unacceptable behavior of any kind. Integral to honoring anyone, is the ability to stand up to that person and refuse to be manipulated or intimidated, especially in the name of love or obedience.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
January 29, 2008
by Rod Smith
Did you hear about the mother who complained her children were always in her hair? Now that her son and daughter are adults she can’t get them to return her phone calls. They are out of much more than her hair.
What about the dad who buried himself in his work just to find some peace and quiet? Now that he’s retired and his adult children are living such busy lives he never sees them. The peace he craved is driving him crazy. He had no idea quietness could be so loud and unsettling.
Then there’s the one about the mother who complained the children slowed her down in the mornings making her late for everything. Now, with nowhere to go, she’s never late for anything. Her daughter texts her saying, “Can’t talk. Will phone next week.” Her son ignores her voicemails altogether.
And while these scenarios are birthed in my mind, the situations are very real. Go to any retirement home and you’ll hear tales of abandonment and woe. But here’s the really scary part: in so many ways we get what we want, and then discover we didn’t want it that much in the first place.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children |
3 Comments »
January 28, 2008
by Rod Smith
“Our daughter is seeing a man and with a bad track record. She has already been married once before. The problem we have is the impact her life has upon her children. The children (9 and 7) are torn between their mother, father, and the new man. They want to be loyal to all the adults in their lives but it seems no one stays for very long. The children get let down constantly. As grandparents we try to be as consistent as possible without interfering in our daughter’s affairs. Our only issue is the amount it affects the lives of our grandchildren and we often talk about how this will impact their relationships one day.”
Like each adult must, you grandchildren will face their individual histories and have to decide to make the best of what they have been offered.
Few people, without considerable work, can break the orbit a parent provides and so, yes, it is likely (although by no means inescapable) that your grandchildren will face some relational issues in their futures.
Continue to provide the sound platform you do provide, and trust the children to gain progressive and helpful insight into their lives.
Your job is to continually expose them to what is possible in a healthy relationship.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
January 21, 2008
by Rod Smith
1. Be aware of the unique, honored position I have in your life, and regard it with the respect it deserves.
2. Hear you, even if you are telling me things I’d rather you not say.
3. Be willing to disagree with you, when, in my estimation, you are wrong, off target, or unfair in your actions or thinking.
4. Forgive you when you hurt me, even though I will sometimes make it very clear to you how the hurt occurred.
5. Expect the very best of you and applaud your use of all of your skills and talents.
6. Tell you the truth as I see it, as kindly, efficiently, and succinctly as possible.
7. Live my life as purposefully as possible in my daily journey toward fulfilling the deepest, most powerful yearnings of my head and heart.
8. Be generous to you (without giving you money) and be kind to you (without trying to solve your problems).
9. Not inflict my anxiety upon you.
10. Stand on my own two feet without pushing you over.
11. Engage you in necessary conflict that I may love you more powerfully.
12. Speak well of you in every circumstance.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Teenagers, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
2 Comments »
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