“There is a TV ad where a pastor is marrying the bride and groom. He says to the bride, ‘Do you take this man to be your husband, in spite of the fact that he will squander your savings, wreck your car and be out of work at least half the time?’ and I wish someone could have warned me of the consequences of marrying my husband. Look up ‘living with a narcissist’ and there he is to a T. Look up ‘women with low self-esteem’ and that’s me. I am trying to make the big break and am finding it incredibly overwhelmingly difficult. He presents such a reasonable demeanor to the world. I am probably in my last decade. I am frightened half to death, immobilized, doubtful of my own abilities, wondering if I am making the biggest mistake of my life swapping financial security (minimal but comfortable) for an adventure. I saw my mother go off on an adventure and it didn’t’ work out that well for her. I’m just prevaricating, cant commit to one way or the other.”

This, I believe, is a “leap before you look” situation. Once you make your decision, your choices will make way for you. You are not your mother.

“I have been divorced for three years now an I am living with someone whom I had a child with about a year after I divorced, sadly the baby passed away. The problem is that she does not want to accept my children and treats them very badly when they visit. I love her very much but how do I handle what’s happening?”

Get creative...

This said there is no reason whatsoever to expose your children to unkindness of any sort. This matter is not about your partner or about your children. It is about you making a decision about where you will live, about with whom you will live, and about the kind of environment you will provide for your children when they visit. You can separate, you can find an alternative place to live when your children visit, you can ask your partner to move out when the children move in. Get creative and stop thinking like a victim.

“I have a 4 year old daughter from my ex boyfriend. I met someone at the beginning of the year who seemed loving and caring but as time went by he wasn’t the same person as he was before, he treated my daughter differently he doesn’t like her. He always shouts at her for no reason. He wants us to get married at the end of November. I’m expecting his child at the end of December. Now Rod, the question I want to ask you is how can someone love you but hate your child? Is there a future there?”

Reduce variables...

“I was interested in your article about the ‘controlling husband’ investigating his wife’s every move that she ‘secures her privacy’. I always have felt that my cell phone, and the cell phone of my wife, should be interchangeable and left anywhere in the house for either person to use or answer should it ring. Likewise my emails can be left open and whatever comes in and out is for her to see if she wants. I’m opting for ‘one flesh’ and as such operate in unison. The beauty about ‘open communication’ at all levels is that it is quickly noticeable when someone is doing something ‘slimy’. I’m opting for this more relaxed and open model.” (Edited)

USA

You are looking to be “two people in one boat” which I will suggest is ultimately exhausting. “Two people in two boats” I’d suggest you will find far more interesting and refreshing.

USA

1. Forgive everyone left right and center.
2. Give as much as humanly possible.
3. Speak up so others do not have to invent your story.
4. Stay out of relationships that do not immediately concern you.
5. Trust other adults with their own lives.
6. Write your memories so your great-great grandchildren can read them one day.
7. Be willing to negotiate and to compromise.
8. Apologize efficiently and accurately.
9. Take responsibility for yourself and your decisions.
10. Tip well.
11. Risk more.
12. Think and want only for yourself.

“Thanks for your suggestions about the horse-farm. Whenever I have said I’ll come over and help with the horses it’s a big ‘No, it’s his house, his property,’ and this was the guy she told me was making her life impossible when I met her. She says I cannot even to be out in the field. She is sleeping in his house and works with him on Mondays and Fridays. He has already admitted he wants her back.” (Edited)

USA

Here’s my challenge. In moving on do not try to teach the woman anything, or get back at her, or wave my columns under her nose. Just take your things (or have her take her things) and move out of her life. Tell her you are honoring her choices and that you are not willing to be in such a relationship.