April 4, 2023
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Written and published with permission – I learned a long time ago NOT to write about immediate family (or even distant family) without permission.
On a personal note…
Almost every night I before I go to bed I reduce a handful of greens and fresh fruit into a delicious drink using a powerful juicer or liquidizer. I wash the jugs, clean the blades, and get it all ready for a similar ritual in the morning.
I know I leave the liquidizer plugged in the wall-socket.
Every morning — when the boys were teenagers —. I come downstairs it’s unplugged.
This very slight annoyance grew mostly because it made no sense and because both my sons were asleep when I faced this minor irritation and I’d forget to ask after the day got rolling and my attentions were focused elsewhere.
This week we have all been home in the mornings and so I asked.
Thulani (19) said that of course he unplugged the liquidizer every night as a “safety issue.”
He enlarged:
“Well dad, what if you walked in your sleep, came downstairs, put your hand into the liquidizer, turned it on and you lost your fingers? You won’t be able to play the piano anymore.”
I pointed out that none of us sleepwalks and that I never put my hands into the liquidizer even when awake. He agreed.
I asked if he’d be unplugging the dishwasher and washing machine in case I drowned and I think he said I was being ridiculous.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation |
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April 2, 2023
by Rod Smith
At the start of a new work week may I offer you encouragement?
Stop hiding who you are behind a desire to be accepted or to fit in.
Let people know who you are and what you want.
This does not mean you have to be pushy or overbearing.
In both strong and subtle ways define yourself.
Leave little up to guesswork.
Do this, even if you start in very small and incremental ways, with the people you are close to and to the people whom you love. This may take some people by surprise and even catch them off guard, but the people who love you will be delighted to hear your voice.
You will immediately begin to feel less anxious when you begin to define yourself. As you advocate for yourself, even in the smallest of ways, you will begin to like what you see and what you feel and think, and you will grow even more beautiful than you already are. If you have been a “I just fit in with others” or “I hate conflict” kind of person you will begin to notice you will have lower levels of anxiety as you reverse your “fit in” and “avoid conflict” tendencies and allow your personality and your wishes to emerge and ultimately shine.
Welcome to a great week.
Posted in Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, Grace, In-laws, Leadership, Listening, Reactivity, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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March 30, 2023
by Rod Smith
Today, and every day, try to be the adult you hope your children will become. How else will they learn what it means to be an adult? Who else will teach them?
Try to stop blaming the teachers, coaches, or the school for your child’s every challenge, difficulty, or hurdle. Blame restricts maturing, yours and theirs.
Try to stop blaming the government, the economy, or prejudice for every distress or dilemma you face, unless you think blame will be a good tool for your child to take into adulthood. If you want your children to be adults who take responsibility for their lives then show them how it’s done. Your children won’t forget your temper tantrums no matter how young they may be; and they will probably emulate them.
Demonstrate, by your own display of excellent manners, the manner in which you hope your child will navigate life and relationships. It is true, they are going to watch and learn from multiple sources, but you are their primary resource when it comes to how they will respect and treat others. Little eyes are watching.
Respect, visit, and be kind to the elderly so they know exactly how to do it when it’s your turn.
Dismiss no one; look down on no one. Young eyes and ears are absorbing how to be in the world, and we, we parents, are the primary teachers.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Voice |
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March 28, 2023
by Rod Smith
“Writing in the sand” is a strong metaphor for me.
My usage is in reference to a New Testament moment.
When confronted by men who desire to trap him, Jesus twice stoops to draw or to write in the sand.
Theologians have postulated much on what it was he wrote or drew.
I believe he was “steel-ing” himself. He was readying himself for a strong, suitable reply to what may have appeared to bystanders to be an impossible dilemma. Jesus was thinking, mulling things over, reminding himself of his calling and the power that was his and and was not his.
He was doing what you and I are called to do when faced with dilemmas, complex or easy.
When we take time to write or draw in the sand we give ourselves the time we need to consider many options when we make decisions.
Taking the time offers time for increased perspectives.
He was no loose cannon and we know how damaging they can be.
I have been writing or drawing in the sand for months, designing and planning suitable responses to tough situations.
It has taken me far more than two stoops and I know I will make many more.
But, I will emerge and act on decisions made while stooping these many times and drawing in the sand.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Education, Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Leadership, Reactivity, Responsive people, Sabotage, Triangles, Trust, Voice |
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March 28, 2023
by Rod Smith
“I have never been close to my parents or to my in-laws. My parents accept this and know how to ‘dance’ with me. My parents accept me like I am. My in-laws are always trying to get closer to me and I think of it as suffocating. That’s how it feels to me. What can I do? This is causing some conflict in my marriage and with my children. They are the kinds of in-laws who want to be very involved with their grandchildren which of course means being quite involved with me as their mother.”
There are several things you can do, the first thing to do is rejoice that you have in-laws who want to be involved with your children. This is a wonderful gift to you and to your husband and your children who will reap wonderful benefits of a close relationship with their grandparents in the future,
Try to express your feelings of “suffocation” to your in-laws. This may assist them to “dance” a little differently with you. Your request, your observation, is legitimate. Expressing it kindly, I hope, will lead to greater understanding.
Your in-laws and your parents are all part of your immediate network of family. Avoid getting your husband into the middle of any of these things.
Do your own talking and try to avoid doing your talking “through” him.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
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March 26, 2023
by Rod Smith
I believe we are fully adulthood when:
We can be authentic with all people, including our parents, treating all others respectfully as equals, despite rank, position or the apparent lack of it.
We respect mutuality and equality, and want both in all of our relationships.
We have acknowledged our hurts, grieved appropriately, and decided to live to the fullest.
We can delay gratification.
We have stopped blaming others for the condition of our lives, especially our parents.
Ambiguity, mystery, and uncertainty are allies, not enemies. We can hold seemingly conflicting thoughts and beliefs without becoming unsettled.
We are able to recognize when and how we were victimized but no longer think, speak, feel, or behave like victims.
We have a small group of people to whom we talk about almost everything, but feel no compulsion to tell anyone everything.
We stop apologizing for things for which we could never be held responsible and efficiently clear up misunderstandings.
We can see that all things are related and are therefore hesitant to apply quick solutions to complex problems. We respect the law of unexpected consequences.
We learn to appreciate and love “the moment” rather than live as if we are perpetually waiting for a day when things will be better.
We can perceive when others do not have our best interests at heart yet remain appropriately engaged with such people.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Family, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Parenting/Children, Triangles |
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March 26, 2023
by Rod Smith
Managing will consume you. If you don’t watch your step you’ll be seduced into thinking that managing IS leading. The two will become confused and leading will morph into managing – not the reverse. Endless administrative tasks will drown you. The risk-averse, the anxious employees among you (mostly managers) will exercise power and keep you managing to keep you from leading. They are managers. That’s what they do. Of course they will try to manage you. Then, the very same people will complain, “There’s just no leadership around here!” It’s a sinkhole. Avoid it.
Over-listening to whiners. If you allow the whiners among you too much of an ear they will drown out healthy voices. Whiners are often very aggressive, especially when ignored. They’ll feel entitled to shape your job. Don’t let them. Whiners are NEVER satisfied. Whatever you do will never stop their whining. Listen to whiners, yes, but listen to the healthy, the enthusiastic, and the busy, motivated people six times as much. Pole-vault this sinkhole.
Tripping over the remains of your predecessor. I am all for honoring the past, but leaders must determinedly point to a greater future. Resist the understandable urge to protect the memory of whomever you follow, especially if you are doing it in the hopes of gaining acceptance from those who loved the previous leader. It’s a sinkhole. Flee it.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Family Systems Theory, Leadership |
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March 25, 2023
by Rod Smith
Help me write about this please, fellow southern Africans…. .. help me capture a concept…… correct me where I’m incorrect.
Of course such ideals are commercialized and misunderstood and misused. Such perverse uses does not render the initial ideals as invalid:
Ubuntu is a Zulu word.
Many Zulus, and descendants of Zulus of southern Africa hold sacred the ancient concept of Ubuntu. It captures a lore of hospitality, openness, and the power of community, the necessity of the individual to live within community. The individual is empowered by the community and does his or her share to empower others.
Ubuntu is an ideal way of life to which a Zulu may aspire.
It means we make each other. I am more who I am when I am connected to you. You are more who you are when we acknowledge our mutual need for each other. We can do more together than we can do alone.
Ubuntu has little room or accommodation for the lone genius. Consensus is valued. As far as possible, all voices are attempted to be heard. Age is deeply respected. It’s community-above-self, as a way of life.
No one is “thrown away” or written off.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Living together, Love |
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March 22, 2023
by Rod Smith
When you stop and listen to your life – your emotions, urges, compulsions, complaints – what may your life be attempting to say to you? Here are some things I perceive my life tries to draw to my attention, and what I have seen clients self-identify as they pay attention to their lives:
- You are carrying fear. Have you considered finding out where it comes from? It may come from a generation or two before you. Fear can travel from generation to generation. What purpose is it serving for you? What will it take for you to lay it aside for a while or get rid of it completely?
- You want to reconnect with old friends and several people who have known you for a long time. What is holding you back? Why are you resisting? What memories are you trying to avoid as you re-embrace this beautiful time of your life? You seem to be choosing loneliness when company is available.
- What grief is tugging at you for attention? What losses are you ignoring that won’t let you off the hook? Uncried tears will manifest, be it through anger or sadness or both. Identify the source of your grief.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Grace, Grief |
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March 21, 2023
by Rod Smith
Listen, first, to your own life.
I know I think and write a lot about listening.
Listening is among our most powerful capabilities as humans.
I do try to really listen to others and —pivotal— to myself, to what my own life is saying or trying to tell me.
How will I ever be able to hear others if I’ve given up listening to the person closest to me, the person within me?
Without attempting to be too obscure, if we stop listening to our own lives, really listening, we will distort what others are trying to tell us because our own unheard lives (ignored lives) will not stop trying to break in and be heard. We will “hear” others while aching to be heard, like listening to a radio station with limited and distorted reception.
Let me illustrate with a benign (somewhat) illustration.
A friend returns from a holiday and wants to tell you about it. When the conversation is over you realize you’ve done all the talking about your holidays and your life and what you’ve been doing and you hardly heard anything your friend tried to say.
Your unheard life took over!
Taking over conversations, competing with others for the “best” story, talking over others, reveals an unheard life!
Someone asks you how you are but ends up telling you how he or she is and he or she has heard nothing about you!
You just met a person who’s given up listening to his or her own life.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication |
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