January 10, 2011
by Rod Smith
Pietermaritzburg Educational Psychologist, David Weekes, contacted me. At my request he modified yesterday’s column: Thanks, David:
The parent who ENABLES …
1. Overprotects, makes excuses for or covers up his/her child’s misbehaviour and, thereby, undermines the authority of the other parent and teachers.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded by responsibility for his/her child (ensuring rules are followed, doing things for the child he/she is capable of doing for him/herself).
3. Feels like he/she is living more than one life as if the child’s choices and actions are entirely the parent’s responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – worries needlessly about how his/her child will turn out, perform in school, cope with bullies.
5. Seems unable to distinguish between “self” and “parent” and, in seeking to be a “good” parent, reinforcing an unhealthy co-dependence.
The parent who EMPOWERS …
1. Learns to stop overprotecting (“I will not lie for you and write an excuse note when you are not ill.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible for his/her child’s wellbeing and assuming responsibility when it is the child who is accountable.
3. Learns to allow many choices (within limits) made by his/her child to run their course so the child can learn from the consequences of his/her actions.
4. Learns to distinguish between useful anxiety and what is and is not a legitimate cause for worry.
5. Works at promoting a healthy, necessary separation to foster a sense of independence in that child.
David can be contacted at davidsw@telkomsa.net
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
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January 6, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I am single male 30, educated, professional. My parents’ background is Pakistani. I have never been married and never had any children. A woman I know is 31 and from Germany where she lives with two boys ages 3 and 2. I have known her for nine years. We met and she moved to Germany. She always rejected me when we were young and she was single. She now wants to divorce her husband and spend the rest of her life with me. My family will never accept her and her family will never accept me. Please guide me.” (Edited)
You potential relationship sounds fully loaded with problems. First off, she is married. If she divorces, and is single, for at least two years, and then wants to be with you that it another matter.
It seems you are an escape route for her right now.
You are going to need and want family (your family) and so I’d respectfully submit to you that the scenario you are placing before me is not a good platform for a healthy life together.
Of course I can be wrong, but I suggest your single life will be far more attractive to you than the complications you will invoke if you head in her direction.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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January 2, 2011
by Rod Smith
There are some things a person simply cannot do for or to another person, no matter how much commitment there is, how noble are the goals, how much effort or determination is involved, or how significant the need.
This is especially true when people are in love, a condition where people are most inclined to believe in their power to change another person.
It is impossible to make another person:
1. Be happy or fulfilled, angry, change, succeed or fail.
2. Become healthier. (This does not mean that two people cannot work toward their individual health together. It means that one person cannot make another person grow in any manner.)
3. Love you, want you, need you, miss you, or trust you.
4. Love, want, need, miss or be glad to see someone else.
5. See, feel or think in a certain manner for an enduring period.
6. See the light, or get some sense into their lives.
7. Lose or gain weight, save money, want or not want sex.
8. Use or stop using drugs, alcohol and cigarettes or bad language.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust |
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December 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m in a love marriage (as opposed to arranged). When we were in love we used to talk about my parents. After our marriage he is treating my parents like slaves or enemies. Since it’s a love marriage I am not able to console my parents. He says my parents are playing a game with me, using me as a source for everything. This is not so. Now I hate my love. He takes care of me like a queen. He gets everything for my parents but he doesn’t want to see them. I don’t want any belongings from him for my parents. I want only his love for them or at least a relationship between them.” (Edited)
Speak up.....
(a) Love your parents AND your husband.
(b) Resist trying to get him to relate to your parents.
(c) Do not let him dictate your relationship with your parents any more than you try to dictate his relationship with your parents.
The sooner you find your voice (as opposed to obeying his) the more you will all be able to love and respect each other.
Defying him (to love your parents) will ultimately enhance, not ruin your marriage, even if at first, it seems to shake every foundation.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships |
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December 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am so upset. My ex-husband gives lavish gifts to his new girlfriend and drops in for a few minutes and gives his children token presents and me nothing. My children saw all he was stacking away for her at their ‘Dad’s Christmas’ and then he tells them he can’t afford much this year because of the worldwide global economy crises. He’s like a little puppy around her. Around us he’s all gloomy and full of the woes of the world. Please help.”
Don't try to reason with him....
you want some tips to deal with your ex and your children in the aftermath of a divorce and in the apparent tidal wake of his new-found love. Your already know (or at least surely will be discovering) that you have no control over him.
If you had any (control), he’d still be with you.
The worldwide global economy crises takes years to hit new love – so resist trying to explain or understand the gaps in his reasoning.
Allow your children to ask their father their own questions. Expect no gifts from him.
Try not to access information from the children regarding his new love. Such information will not serve to empower you and nor are the details of his life any of your business.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children |
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December 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I found this morning’s column (December 22, 2010) very appropriate to my situation. I have had a strained relationship with a family member by marriage. We hardly have any contact now, and to be honest, I find that this works for me. Life seems less stressful than it used to be. I realise that I am doing exactly the opposite of what you suggest. The woman has been diagnosed a severe emotional and psychological condition and has been physically violent in the past if any of us ever stood up to her, and I do not want that again. Are there occasions where avoidance really is the best option?” (Edited)
Of course there are exceptions
– there usually are. No one is expected to reconcile (this is different from offering forgiveness) in any relationship where there has been violence of any kind (especially sexual).
I would suggest that what you have termed avoidance may be re-framed as being acts of both self-preservation and wisdom. A quick aside: remember that reconciliation takes at least two persons while forgiveness takes only one.
The Smiths (my sons Thulani and Nathanael and I) in cold and snowbound Indianapolis wish you an extravagant and safe Christmas.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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November 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
“After a five-year abusive relationship I took two years to reflect and think. Then I met a boyfriend two years ago who was perfect for me. About a month into the relationship he started telling me he had a problem with the way I dress. I had told him all about the abuse in my last relationship. He told me my ex was crazy and that I am beautiful and that he should have been proud to be with me. So the guy who said my ex should have been proud of me is now the guy saying no skirts, no shorts, and no dresses. I’m not allowed to dye my hair black: it makes me look easy. If guys look at me it’s my fault. I feel ashamed because I’m back in the same situation as before and feel super dumb.” (Edited)
A man who has to control a woman does so for many reasons, none of which have anything to do with the woman. Perhaps it’s time to take another sabbatical from men. While you obey things will not improve. He told you HE has a problem with the way you dress after a month – and you are still with him 23 months later!
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation |
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November 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
It's the journey, remember...
A healthy family – and I will remind you that no person or family is healthy all of the time (that’s unhealthy!) – sets itself on broad and healthy goals that include being:
1. Unpredictable, spontaneous, flexible; allowing each person and each generation, to be different from the former generations.
2. Forgiving (reflective, gracious) – allowing little or no time for the gathering of injustices.
3. Funny – often self-deprecating.
4. Hospitable – welcoming of strangers and guests.
5. Generous – eager to share with persons in need.
6. Open – willing and able to embrace difficult issues.
7. Diverse – welcoming of persons of all shades, creeds, and ages.
8. Free – creative, honest, displaying growing integrity.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Young Love |
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October 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
Lake Geneva, Switzerland
“Thank you on behalf all my many single mother friends for the article published yesterday. Thank you for acknowledging our bravery and struggles. Thank you understanding the many roles we play and the many difficulties we overcome because of our love for our children. Thank you for noting it is near impossible to have a romantic social life as solo parents. Thank you for listing and understanding what women do not need in a potential partner or in friendly advice. I am 50 and the mother of two sons whose fathers disappeared when the going got tough.
“I have been a single mom for 32 years, and despite the challenges, long hours, and little thanks associated with the job of single mom, I have been blessed to have my sons and love them dearly. I am also proud of having still managed to forge a career, own my home, a car, and travel the world. I have recently studied to become a Life Coach. I just sit with the thought that my children did not chose to be born and hence, are entitled to the best Mom and woman I can be. One thing I know is that my son’s will make wonderful Fathers.”
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Schnarch, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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October 18, 2010
by Rod Smith
Honor courage when you meet it
the bravest people I have ever met. Not only are many fighting financial battles with a former spouse, they are at the same time negotiating with schools, coordinating visits to doctors, ferrying children to and from sports events, strategizing visits for the children with the other parent, and trying to placate a boss and colleagues at work. Simultaneously, many are trying to maintain some form of sanity though attempting to develop the semblance of a social life while having to face a stigma (thankfully it is diminishing in some cultures) about being divorced at all.
What divorced mothers do not need is:
1. Romantic involvement with a needy man – especially one who is in search of a mother but doesn’t know it.
2. Judgment about her parenting, her discipline, or her children’s behavior.
3. Questions about what went wrong in her marriage, or the suggestion (overt or covert) that had she “given” her marriage to God, or been more obedient or submissive, or prayed more, fasted more, tithed more faithfully, her marriage would have survived.
4. To be thought of as an easy target for sex as if it is the one thing she must surely be missing now that her marriage is over.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family |
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