“I made a promise to my boyfriend that I would always be ‘there’ for him. One day when he needed me I could not be there. He said he felt let down, very mad, sad about what happened. A week later he won’t let it go. He went from being happy, cuddly, and laughing to reserved, mad, and ignoring me. It tore me apart. I need to fix this, to tell him something that will put him at ease. He has a bit of a temper and whenever we have problems sometimes it lashes out, but he always keeps his promises to me. I need to restore his trust in me and I would like to make him happy again. I need help on what to say to him and how to stop this from happening again.”

Say something like: “I am sorry I did not meet your expectations but it is unloving of you to hold onto this. Rather, focus on controlling your temper. If you’re like this (demanding, moody, attention seeking, immature) when we are dating what are you going to be like if we marry? And, take care of your own happiness. It is a far too big an assignment to put on me or anyone else.”

“I have been married for six months. Before I got married I have some debts that I’m no longer able to pay back because my partner doesn’t work. I never told her about these debts before. What can I do? My income is only enough for our rent and groceries.” (Unedited)

Take on a second, even a third job. Work all night if you must. Do anything it takes to pay your debts. If you were man enough to get yourself into debt – be man enough to work your way out of it. Although this has nothing to do with your wife, I’d suggest she get a job, too. If she’s somewhat angry at your lack of full disclosure before you married her, then accept her anger. It’s justified. PLEASE wait until you are out of debt before you father any children.

As always at New Year, and especially this week between Christmas and the New Year, I do a lot of thinking.

1. Please join me in making 2009 the most useful and fulfilling year each of us has ever enjoyed. I am going to pray to live a life of deeper grace and appropriate generosity. I am going to give more.
2. I will do all I can to turn my insight into determined action. There is little point in seeing or understanding a problem if I do nothing about trying to correct it.
3. I am going to try to live more in the present and the future, than I do in the past.

What will you do? Please let me know.

Thank you. I am very aware of the enormous privilege I am afforded in writing this 200-word daily newspaper column which is published in South Africa and the USA. It is also widely on the Internet. The latest statistical analysis, according to one of many web sources, show that a large percentage of the web-readers are in Australia and Canada. But the column is still geared to its initial readership: The Mercury readers of Kwa-Zulu Natal.

Everything changes. You turn around and something has moved, someone’s charging higher prices, or neighbors you really like move to another neighborhood. Of course it happens in personal relationships too. This person’s in love (when he always thought it had escaped him); another person’s alone when always thought he’d love and be loved forever.

Yet, some things remain dismally the same: your weight might be your constant battle. Your in-laws might still be too demanding. Your son, after all these years, continues to hate homework. Try as you might, you just can’t seem to be as affectionate and “open” and intimate as your partner wants you to be.

Take heart: you’re fully human! Pick your battles, embrace approximation (getting your way only sometimes, settling for a little less than perfect, realizing that life is a process and some things take a long time), and relax. Take action, even a little action, over the things that seem fixed or immovable, and embrace the changes over which you have no control.

Open your hands, don’t grasp, clutch, grab, or try to manipulate the future, your children, or anyone in your sphere of influence. Then, when change is foisted upon you, and you remain fully aware of how powerless you are to change your more unpleasant realities, you will, at least, have grown in grace.

is now available. Please go to link on the RIGHT to make a purchase.

This little book ($8.00) is a perfect stocking stuffer for a person who wants to be more aware of cultivating healthier relationships. At 4″X7″ and 30 pages, it is a quick read through the alphabet of helpful relationship reminders. Buy in bulk ($5.00 each after 10), use it for a small group, use it to help you meditate on how to be clearer and more defined…..

Email me or follow the link on the right, and I will make sure your order is delivered as soon as possible.