Author Archive

December 20, 2010

Parents and teenagers….

by Rod Smith

The following points are generally true. Of course there are circumstances where they are not:

1. Your parents know more than you know about important matters. I concede that you probably know infinitely more than your parents do about computers, the Internet, and cellular phones; but they do know more about life than you do. Regarding your parents as foolish will not be very good for you even if it offers the illusion of being sophisticated.
2. Your parents want the very best for you even if you do not agree with them about what is best for you. Loving parents want you to go beyond their life’s achievements and so place pressure on you to study and do well in school and to be wise about your relationships.
3. Your parents will tend to look at long-term ramifications of almost everything. You probably focus on the here and now.
4. Your parents want you to have a wonderful future more than you have the capacity to even imagine. This weekend is not considered “the future.”
5. Your parent’s instincts about people are probably wiser than yours. Trust them.
6. Your parents probably want very little from you. Taking time to discover what it is they want will do you much good.

December 19, 2010

I am Muslim; he is Christian – breaking up is not an option…..

by Rod Smith

“I am a Muslim girl in a 8-year relationship with a Christian boy. We both are 23. Religion is the only problem. He does not agree with becoming a Muslim – he believes I should follow his faith from the day we are married. Our families have not tried to break us up but my family insists on him becoming Muslim. His family insists I become Christian. We are extremely committed to each and I know he feels the same. The major problem is his meddling Christian sister who keeps bringing it up. Wherever we go people are amazed that he’s got a Muslim girlfriend and demand to know what his Muslim name is going to be and if he doesn’t change his name, religion, and get circumcised, that my family will kill him. How ridiculous. Strangers’ words affect him and I don’t know what to do. Breaking up is not an option!”

Attraction is only enduringly possible.....

Speak only for yourself....

External pressure will intensify your love. Never under-estimate the power of invisible loyalties that each of you has with each extended family. These pressures will unify you before marriage but will work against you once you are. There is no easy answer. In all circumstances (especially to parents) speak only for yourself, and let him do likewise.

December 18, 2010

Sylvia the hairdresser- how not to evangelize…

by Rod Smith
Attraction is only enduringly possible.....

Meddling is not "witnessing"....

Now my heart warms toward her but this was not always so when it came to Sylvia the Hairdresser.  I could barely go anywhere without her evangelical interference. It dogged my childhood. If I went to the barbershop, she would see my bicycle leaning against the wall, and when I came out, she would summon me sternly into her salon-for-girls to tell me about her Jesus. I felt awkward and exposed just standing there, in the bright pink salon – seeing my freshly shaved head a hundred times in her hard bright mirrors – hearing what a sinner I was, with girls watching.

God loves you was her persistent theme. Clearly, she did not share God’s predisposition towards me. I was a potential convert – a possible testimony to her faithfulness, a feather in her heavenly crown – and come hell or high water, she was going to get me saved. Somehow, according to her, I had already managed to embody all the despicable acts of humanity in one pre-adolescent frame. According to my well-versed Representative, if I failed to immediately repent (from what I did not know, nor did she make clear), even the impending bicycle ride home could terminate my miserable sin-filled life and land me in my well-deserved Hell. Any implication of Scriptural evidence that Jesus loved children was lost on her; every encounter with Sylvia the hairdresser was a foretaste of the very Hell at which she said my life was aimed.

To me, she felt omnipotent. Meeting her could happen anywhere. The encounters were most prolonged when she bought groceries from my dad’s corner store. This was when we both got it – Dad and I. She tried to discuss her practiced presentations of her gospel, she would shrug her shoulders, extend her arms in despair, and mumble about feet and dust and pearls and swine. From behind the counter, I could see dust rising and pearls glittering around her chosen, blessed neck.

She said, “praise the Lord” a lot and never once waited to hear anything from Dad or me. I knew we would never make it with her Jesus. In fact, I was quite sure I preferred not to, knowing she looked forward to a promised preeminent place, ruling and reigning with God forever and ever and ever and ever.

In Sylvia the Hairdresser, the fine art of meddling in the affairs of others, which she called witnessing, was perfected. Because God is all knowing, she made everything her business. No marriage, no illness, no child-rearing practice in her self-declared parish escaped her watchful eye. I knew it was only a matter of time before she would find out I liked to play music. Once she came into our house when I was practicing Lara’s Theme from Dr. Zhivago and she stopped me mid-bar to tell me I was “playing for the devil.” She rampaged about the debauchery that followed young boys who played music for the world. I sat accused, hands spread on the piano keys and wondered how a beautiful melody, played very simply in our living room, was found pleasing to the devil and capable of leading to such destruction, the likes of which in all of my eleven years, I had never heard. “Praise the Lord,” she sang as she left our sleazy home, victory under her belt and my head in a bag.

So how I ever fell in love with Jesus of the New Testament has nothing to do with Sylvia the Hairdresser who dogged my childhood with her evangelical interference, as much as I am told she believes it. Rather, a few people befriended and loved me beyond my deserving. They listened to my wild ideas about faith, love and life, then, when I asked, told me in Whom they believed. And in the telling of such freeing, courageous and beautiful love, I saw the Heart of God.

Rod’s road-post from DROID.

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December 15, 2010

You are cold, uncaring, and arrogant….

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly possible.....

Sometimes you are correct....

Whenever I write, “get a life” or “victim-hood is unattractive” or “move on” or “blaming your parents has an expiration date”, I usually get mail declaring I am uncaring, cold, arrogant, that I do not understand, that I was having a bad day – or, all of the above.

I concede: I am fully capable arrogance, coldness, of failing to understand, and of having a bad day.

When I suggest someone take up his or her life in the midst of a bad break-up or in the wake of a betrayal, I am doing so out of a deep sense of both understanding and caring, and hopefully, in a spirit of humility.

I know it sounds cold to suggest someone participate in his or her own resurrection from within the rubble of brokenness. But the journey of rebuilding has to start – and there is no better day than today and no better moment than the immediate!

These are the golden expressions of a person who will get well: I will get through this; I can do without a person who swears at me; I will learn about boundaries; I will not be poorly treated by anyone; there’s life after a breakup.

A person who begins speaking this way has begun to “get a life”.

December 14, 2010

He thinks therapy is silly….

by Rod Smith

“My husband does not love me anymore. I am a really jealous person and I have accused him of affairs and he always denies it. Last night he told me that we needed to be fair and that I needed to leave. It scares the living lights out me when I imagine my life without him. He has been gone for most of the day. I don’t want to call. I know that will probably make him angrier and more distant. I noticed also he is not wearing his wedding ring. It really hurts to be told that you are not loved when you still love the other person. I am in no shape, way, or form a perfect person. I have a temper just like he does. I would love to seek therapy but he thinks that kind of thing is silly. I really think I’ve lost him forever. We have been married for 8 years. I guess I am really feeling hopeless right now.”

Victim-hood is most unattractive – get yourself out of it. To assist you, please read This Is Not the Story You Think It Is by Laura Munson. I’d suggest it is essential reading for anyone (male or female) living in a threatened relationship.

December 13, 2010

You did not mention Al-Anon…..

by Rod Smith

“In an article you wrote regarding a wife supporting her husband’s therapy with an addiction specialist for his (the husband’s) sporadic but serious bouts with alcohol, I was concerned that you didn’t mention Al-Anon to the wife. Wherever this person is living, there is an Al-Anon group.

“The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcohlics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.

“Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organisation, or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.

“Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.”

Thanks for this reminder. I trust the woman who wrote the initial letter will see your wise suggestion.

December 12, 2010

I think of Mary…., and Jesus, and…..

by Rod Smith

I imagine, Mary, that it was more than a difficult birth. All those miles journeyed so late in a pregnancy did not make things easier. Of course there’s nowhere for you to stay, the man you are with is not your husband. You say the child is not his. What else are people to do but hold the door firmly closed, and send you on your way?

Here he is, Mary, the baby God promised. In your joy and pain there is no relief as guests who have traveled long distances stand in line to pay homage to the baby as if to a king. I should imagine Mary, that there is a little resentment toward you from some quarters, all this attention for a woman of questionable morals.

I am sure that it was a difficult childhood, Jesus. Being young and studious can be a tiring combination. Feeling called, appointed, anointed, intimate with God and so at home in the temple could infuriate men in search of the God you claim to know. The tongues surely wagged declaring you illegitimate. “Who’s your father,” I bet they taunted, “We know our father is Abraham, but who is your father.” It must have gotten a little old Jesus, even when you were so very young.

I know it was a difficult career. You faced extremes at every turn. Ostracism here; worship there. I cannot imagine the pressure you endured from religious quarters. Turning water to wine, healing the blind, raising the dead, multiplying food, walking on water, and calming storms I would have thought would increase your popularity but largely it had the opposite effect. How much good can you do before those who pride themselves on knowing God become a little edgy? Demonstrating the power of God through working miracles can get a person in trouble rather quickly. Perhaps you should have known better.

I know friendships were troublesome for you. I’m sure it was a difficult day when you looked into the eyes of a friend, a very close friend, and found yourself looking into the eyes of your betrayer. There he was pointing you out in the garden and then, to rub salt into the wound, doing it with a kiss. Those who had come to seize and accuse you, place you on trial were taken aback at your composure, your presence, your attitude, despite all you knew about what was in store for you. Where did you get the faith, Jesus?

I cannot imagine what it was like to be so widely wanted dead. Religious leaders wanted you out of the way. Political leaders accused you of disturbing the peace. Then, fancy this, they join forces in some weird alliance to get you. Then, the Enemy also wanted you dead. You showed him no tolerance, wouldn’t take his bribe; you wouldn’t join forces or share power. You just wouldn’t demonstrate any flexibility Jesus, not on any front, even for a moment.

Finally, and surely most painfully, God wanted you dead as atonement for sin. It’s no wonder, Jesus, that you perspired blood and pleaded for the removal of the cup that was before you.

After all you went through I cannot imagine what it was like to be brought back to life. Appearing to your beloved friends, your mother, your brothers and sisters and hundreds of people must have brought you all joy enough to party in the streets. The added bonus was that now, death itself, was dead.

I cannot imagine Mary, what it was like to be his mother. As surely as you knew water would become wine you knew the crib would become a cross. You also knew that despite all the pain and drama, the sealed tomb would open and the risen Christ would declare to the world once more, that God is intimately invested in the affairs of humanity and the details of every life.

December 12, 2010

Give Something Away Every Day (GSAED) begins avalanche of donations….

by Rod Smith

“The ball started rolling purely because of GSAED. It is a heart-warming story, with a happy ending. Motala Heights Children’s Home is a refuge run by a residents association in an informal settlement near Pinetown. They care for 120 children between 1 and 15 years old. Their ‘Christmas Tree’ – an event eagerly looked forward to as you can imagine – was scheduled for next Tuesday – but yesterday the sponsor pulled out without warning.

“Warwick Chapman – a hugely energetic person cared enough to get involved. Through Facebook, he managed to get a R5,000 donation from one of the GSAED followers to kick the fund off. That started an avalanche of donations – from someone baking 120 cupcakes on Monday, through scores of wrapped Christmas gifts to cash donations.

“Now, one day later, it looks like the party and meal promised will be even better than was originally planned. Rod, it all comes down to the GSAED campaign. People were in the giving frame of mind – and they latched on to the opportunity as it presented itself. Thank you for opening so many people’s hearts and minds to the opportunity to give.”

A reader….

Des Ramsay

December 9, 2010

Remaining human in a world that wants to knock it out of you…..

by Rod Smith

Attraction is only enduringly possible.....

"Love you enemies" (Jesus)

Remaining human, humane (able to be compassionate, to feel, think, plan, embrace your own pain and the pain of others) is a constant challenge in an environment that repeatedly attempts to dehumanize, objectify, and knock the humanity out of you.

Every murder, death of a child, every act of violence anywhere, ought to immobilize humanity, bring the world to its knees, ought to stop everything as we shudder at the ramifications of what we can do to each other. Every act of betrayal, act of gossip, act of physical and spiritual aggression ought to horrify us. But of course, through bitter, repeated experience, we become inured to all but the most immediate horror – that which impacts us very directly.

Yet, we are affected. We are all lessened by the moral chaos, terror, the violence, put-downs, rejections, rumors, gossip, thievery, and the evil that is rampant everywhere.

Yet the challenges of the Saints remain: do not return evil for evil; be generous in a world that is often not; be hospitable; do good to those who are not good. Love your enemies. No, not tolerate your enemies, love your enemies.

Trying to embody these humane values keeps us “foolish” and human.

Oh, what a joy results when our humanity prevails and rises above the conniving, the betrayal, the physical, emotional, and spiritual violence, the hardness, in our surroundings – each of which might just as easily consume us, render us inhumane.

December 7, 2010

She wants to study abroad; he discourages her….

by Rod Smith

“My daughter (25) wants to leave a long-term relationship to go overseas and further her studies. In the meantime the man she has been seeing for several years has put all kinds of roadblocks in her way. I know he doesn’t want to see her go because he says this was not in their long-term plans. He is quite possessive and now she is finally beginning to feel his hold over her. I feel that if he loved her he’d want her to become more educated and he’d encourage her. How do I encourage her to follow her dreams? How do I tell him that if they were meant for each other then they will end up together? He has a good career and would prefer for her to rely on his qualifications for the rest of their lives. Please guide me.”

State your opinion individually to both persons and then relinquish control of the outcome. If your adult daughter cannot overcome this apparent hurdle without your help she is unlikely to succeed in any credible learning environment be it at home or abroad.