How much to tell post affair

by Rod Smith

“I have a questions that I was curious what your opinion would be. In my practice, I often work with individuals who have had an affair but have not told their wife/husband about it. I usually advise them to come clean because I believe that it will in some way or another affect the relationship even if the other person never learns of it. Of course, many of my clients think this is crazy because they believe if they tell their partner this will be the end of the relationship. What is your practice when it comes to this?” (Family Therapist, Krakau, Poland.)   

I too believe it is better for couples to “come clean” but I have to respect that it is the client who sets the pace and the degrees of detail divulged. I have seen such confessions further destroy an already tenuous marriage and aggrieved spouses become obsessed with the details and who then cannot rest until all arising questions are answered. When intimate details are shared the knowledge can further seduce the married couple away from reconciliation. I have seen it be helpful (full disclosure) and I have seen in further destroy. I encourage the client to determine what the mariage can endure.

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