Many a relationship suffer:

1. When being right (or correct, moral, and accurate) is so important, so insisted upon, by one of the parties, that it is at the expense of being loving. A healthy person can sometimes sacrifice the need to be right with the understanding that being loving trumps being right.
2. When anxiety and love are confused. “I am anxious about you” is a far cry from “I love you.” They are not the same thing. Anxious people often believe true love necessitates worry. “How will he know I love him if I don’t worry about him?” is the plea of the anxious partner or parent. A healthy person understands that his or her anxiety is not an indication of love and therefore works toward reducing anxiety in his or her life lest it do its destructive work.
3. When love and control become synonymous. “If you love me you will dress (speak, think, see, hear) according to my will,” says the controller, “or I will question your love for me.” Healthy love insists upon and celebrates freedom.
4. When love means “melting” into each other, giving up individual identity in the name of love. “We’re so close we even think each others thoughts,” proclaims the unhealthy couple. Healthy love elevates separateness, space and individuality.

“My mother and I agreed to go with whatever you suggest. She says I am too young to have a boyfriend. I say I am not. I am 15. He (17) lives near me and it would be easy for me to see him without her knowing. My mother and I have been very close. I want to keep it that way. Please tell us what to do. If you say I am too young what age is not too young?”

I have known 30-year-olds who are too “young” to date, and I’ve met the occasional teenager who was more ready for marriage than some who were on their third spouse.

Nonetheless, I will not side with you or your mother. This is a matter for the two of you to address.

I am a newspaper columnist. I live on the other side of the world from you. It is unlikely we will ever meet. Your mother, on the other hand, has loved you from your beginnings. She has probably nurtured you through thick and thin and it is likely that she knows you at least as well as she knows herself.

Negotiating with your mother, and then ultimately obeying and pleasing her, will do far more for you and your relationships than anything you will ever read from me.

If things are going well or going poorly, if it is at work, at home, or at play, here are a dozen Golden Principles to improve the milieu wherever you are:

1. Take responsibility only for your own actions and allow others the joy and privilege of doing the same.
2. Speak only for yourself and for your young children, and allow all others (usually your children who are twelve and above) to do the same. Of course there are exceptions – this is a broad principle.
3. Show up for yourself – express what you want, what you do not want, both with the understanding you may get neither.
4. Listen more than you talk.
5. Affirm others (help build reputations) rather than destroy others by spreading negativity.
6. Strive for agreement, harmony, and even consensus, but don’t let all future action be crippled if you are met with disagreement, disharmony, and a lack of consensus. I am all for negotiation, but there are times when the search for agreement or harmony or consensus is a form of sabotage. Sometimes, it is not. Wisdom is knowing the difference.
7. Hold empathy as a hope worthy of pursuit, but embrace challenge and adventure as absolute necessities. There are enough boring people in the world, don’t be one of them.
8. Define yourself, not others. Think only for yourself – I did not say think only “of” yourself.
9. Avoid gossip and those who gossip.
10. Do what is right even when it is not popular.
11. Pray, even if you don’t believe in God – the act alone is good for you.
12. Forgive.

“You seem to think that ‘unplanned pregnancies’ should not be terminated and that it is OK for someone to ‘go it alone’. Please take over the financing of the third pregnancy of my ‘host child’ from Child Welfare? She has been told to accept that in her culture the men will run around and have many girlfriends and children. The new boyfriend says his granny will take over the baby once it is born if it can be proved to be his. So in six months is get the DNA tests done, or else you might have to carry on paying for this child as well as the other two. In the meantime she is very expensive. The children do not eat porridge or soup as it gives them diarrhea! The school to which she wants to send them is the one featured in our papers as having 150 children in one classroom and she will need you to pay for them as well as make up to her for lost income. There are the dental extractions she needs that the hospital apparently refuses to do, so you will have to pay privately. I can’t afford this pregnancy and hope that you can.” (Edited)

The issues you and your “daughter” share have nothing to do with money.

Parents can build an environment that is conducive to a healthy childhood by providing a tone and an experience for the child that is warm, encouraging, and accepting.

This context will include:

1. Validation for the child. A place where the child is heard, respected, and encouraged. The child also learns, of course, to validate and respect others.
2. Fun and laughter, fantasy and intrigue, at the expense of no one. (A joke is not funny unless everyone thinks it is.)
3. A set of standards and norms already in operation before the child needs them. We don’t make up the rules as we go along.
4. An atmosphere conducive to telling the child anything in an age-appropriate manner.
5. Age-appropriate responsibilities to help the home to function.
6. An atmosphere where the natural and reasonable consequences of a child’s behavior are allowed to develop.
7. An atmosphere where the child is increasingly aware that he is the major participant in his own success.
8. An atmosphere where the child is expected to be no more and no less than his age.
9. Healthy adults (warm, understanding, and non-possessive people) other than parents, with whom the child spends time.

Dear Rod!

Your columns are usually so helpful, but today’s one gives me an idea. You seem to think that ‘unplanned pregnancies’ should not be terminated and that it is OK for someone to ‘go it alone’. I won’t even say what I think of that but will seriously make my request.

Please will you take over the financing of the third pregnancy of my ‘host child from Child Welfare’? I paid for her schooling and she fell pregnant and had complications, including blood pressure and hypersalivation, that prevented her from attending school. We were just thinking of sending her back to school when she fell pregnant again. Now I have had her working at a crèche where she got free meals and schooling for her pigeon pair, and I have just supplemented her income as she and her children need many hospital visits etc. She has given up work because of this latest pregnancy. She has been told to accept that in her culture the men will run around and have many girlfriends and children. The new boyfriend says his granny will take over the baby once it is born if it can be proved to be his. So all you might have to do in six months time is get the DNA tests done, or else you might have to carry on paying for this child as well as the other two. In the meantime she is very expensive as she and the children do not eat porridge (it makes them sick) or drink soup as it gives them diarrhoea! The children are very upset about having to stop attending the creche.

The school to which she wants to send them is the one featured in our papers as having 150 children in one classroom, and she will need you to pay for them, as well as make up to her for the income she has lost by being too sick to go to work. And there are the dental extractions she needs that the hospital apparently refuses to do, so you will have to pay privately. Soon the daughter will be old enough to join the other girls sitting dozing at the desks and puking in the playground before producing more unplanned pregnancies. Just the thought of it makes me realise I can’t afford this pregnancy and hope that you can.

Regards,
NS

“Pssssst.”

“Who’re you ‘pssssst-ing’ at?”

“You. It not like there’s anyone else in here.”

“I was just checking.”

“You think we going to make it?”

“Mmmmm. Touch and go I’d say, from everything I’ve read.”

“You believe everything you read?”

“Well, why not? I’m not jaded, yet.”

“Is that you thumping?”

“Here you go blaming me again. She’s at the coffee shop. We always get a bit of a thump when she’s in here. Café Mocha does that to people.”

“Put that out.”

“Who me? I’m not smoking. It’s that guy she hangs out with. He smokes around pregnant women.”

“Well it’s reaching me and I don’t like it.”

“Put your hand over you mouth.”

“It doesn’t reach.”

“Pssssst.”

“Is that you ‘Pssssst’-ing again?”

“Get back to what we were saying. What’s going to happen to us if she, you know, isn’t glad we’re in here? What if she makes a choice and, you know, we are not in it?”

“We go back. Silly.”

“Back? Where to? Don’t ‘silly’ me,”

“Don’t tell me you forgot already. We go back to where we came from. You know, the Beautiful Place. The Big Place. There’s no rejection there remember?”

“No. I don’t remember.”

“That’s what they said. They said we wouldn’t remember, but I can still remember some things. Although I’ll admit my memory is slowly fading. I am having a fetus moment.”

“Wait a minute; I remember the gift shop. The day we got loaded with talents and gifts and dreams and ambitions and every good thing. I remember when we were chosen for each other. I remember when we were chosen, both of us, for her. Wow! I remember it all so clearly now. It is all coming back. They said we’d have a place to live and grow and discover everything. They said that although we’d feel far away from the Big Place They’d always be very near to us. Remember they said we’d be very useful and creative and deeply loved every day until our return no matter how we were welcomed on Earth or not.”

“Settle down, you are getting a little hyper. Can you remember if they said it was safe?”

“No. It’s not safe. I remember distinctly. Exciting yes. Safe? No. They said we’d not like it to be too safe. It’s a human thing you know. Humans like a lot of adventure and thrill and risk. Speaking for myself, I cannot wait.”

“Well, you have to. We’re in this together and we get out together.”

“Is that you gulping? Do you think you could respect my boundaries a little? You’re on my side.”

“Hey, you’re a little young to be doing that. Choosing sides and all that.”

“You know what I’m looking forward to? Diapers. I’m tired of swimming around here naked, in front of you.”

“You’re thinking about diapers. Hey, this is life and death stuff. We’re in a womb for goodness sake. This is a danger zone if ever I knew one and you’re looking forward to wearing diapers?”

“Let’s agree on something?”

“What’s that?”

“Whatever choice she makes. However it pans out, let’s stick together.”

“If we get out of here alive I’m telling you now, I’m never going to a coffee shop.”

“And I am never going to smoke.”

“You think she going to want us?”

“I don’t know. I hope so. There’s so much to do out there. So much to see. If she doesn’t want us I hope she’ll hang in there and give us to someone who does.”

“Hey, I have another question.”

“What is that?”

“Are we in an American womb?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Well I heard a lot of stories about that.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t remember.”

“I need advice about terminating or continuing a pregnancy after a one-night event. I am single. I want the child and will take total responsibility for the child. The man, who has told his parents, is distraught and wants it terminated. I am so confused. He says it will ruin his and his family’s life, even though I will never make any demands on him. Please reply urgently.”

Congratulations. What a joy.

While there are unplanned pregnancies there are no absolutely unplanned people. While this is uniquely your decision, I hope you choose against termination.

Your child will have a mission to embrace and a unique place in the world no matter what the circumstances of the pregnancy. He or she will enhance your life (and the life of his or biological father and the extended families each of you have) if you will simply allow him or her a legitimate place in your world.

That the father and his family are distraught is not sufficient reason to terminate. You have everything you need to do this alone. Go ahead, and if possible, keep his name off the birth certificate.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, has enriched my life more than the two “unplanned pregnancies” who I am about to wake up and send off to school.