April 10, 2010
by Rod Smith
Expect sabotage....
Gathered from several sources (Murray Bowen, Edwin Friedman and others) here are principles to steer your life into a more powerful journey than you might already be enjoying:
1. Stay “in relationship” with persons with whom you are facing conflict. Cutting off is seldom helpful.
2. Expect sabotage – it will arise naturally from persons threatened by your success. Remain aware sabotage could also arise because you are pushy. Be sufficiently self-aware so you can tell the difference.
3. Set personal goals that are higher than the limitations others will readily set for you.
4. Intentionally increase your levels of intimacy while simultaneously, with the same persons, intentionally declare your distinctness.
5. Try to say yes more often than you say no. Live with the expectation of adventure rather than be overly cautious and fearful.
6. Give up all attempts to monitor and control ALL other adults. Remember it is NOT love if it not thoroughly based on freedom of choice, thought, expression. Remote controls are for TVs not people.
7. Forgive absolutely, unilaterally before it is asked and if it is not. This is about you, not the person offending or hurting you. Forgiving others does not mean condoning hurtful actions or passively watching it occur.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership |
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April 8, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m in my early thirties and married for two years. I have lost all interest in sex. My wife has been trying to help but now she is angry, frustrated, and hurt. I feel more and more depressed. I love my wife and it hurts to see her cry. When she kisses me I shut down. I tell her to stop; I laugh it off, or pretend I’m busy. I am trying to figure this out and I can’t. The best conclusion is that I am very stressed. I have a lot of anxiety right now. I don’t know why but I went from being the ‘alpha male’ to avoiding confrontations. I don’t know who I am anymore. My wife has been an angel and I seem to be getting worse. I don’t want to go out of my marriage. I am being 100% honest when I say that my wife is very attractive and fit, and sexy. I am frustrated and angry with myself. I am at the end of my rope and I think so is she. I am not gay. The worst part is we want kids and just the thought of having to have sex. I am just considering going to the doctor and getting anxiety pills to help me.” (Edited)
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Space |
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April 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
“The man I date and I are compatible. Months ago he received a call but would not answer. I found this strange. He became defensive and I have been suspicious since. I did what I should not have done and found numerous messages to and from a girlfriend. He denied seeing anyone. I called the girlfriend who said she was in a relationship with him. He says there is no relationship. She confirmed she wants nothing more to do with him but I have found out that they are still speaking. I am now confused because he continues to see me. I am uncertain about where this is going. I find it strange that she would say she is a relationship with him but he denies it.” (Edited)
Don't police him.....
You’re dating. It is supposed to be fun. Playing phone police is not. Stop monitoring him. He is an adult who can have as many friends as he chooses – unless you both decide otherwise.
The confusing thing is not that he continues to see you, but that you, given your mistrust, continue to see him. Find a man who desires monitoring. They exist, and, the bonus is, they perceive controlling behavior to be evidence of real love.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, High maintenance relationships |
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April 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m 31. My husband is 69. I have a young daughter. When my mother was dying my husband helped me through a very dark time. In a state of confusion I ended up moving in and marring him. He is good to my daughter and me but we have never ever had sex. He doesn’t even try. I feel alone and empty. I started an affair with a wonderful man and can feel myself falling in love with him. When I’m with him he lights my whole life up. When I leave him I feel sad and torn. I don’t feel close to anyone and really want to leave. As much as I want to go I don’t want to hurt my husband but staying is killing me. I’m so unhappy I am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain. Any advice?”
Find face-to-face counseling that will assist you to talk things through with your husband. An affair, tablets, and playing hide-and-seek will temporarily alleviate the issues, but not resolve the issues in your sexless, unhappy marriage. Of course your affair “lights up” your “whole life.” This is what affairs do. They also seduce participants away from the “real” issues and offer avoidance, not love.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
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