My children and I are off this morining to the South Pacific and Asia – where I am engaged in several speaking assignments.
Please be patient. It might be a day or two before I can post again.
Editors: I have already sent the whole week of columns off to your copy editors.
It is my policy NOT to place the column on the web until it has appeared in “hard copy” on newsstands.
Rod Smith
“My girlfriend lied about having leukemia to get sympathy and to make me feel like I was important to her. Not only was that odd, but she used to spend time with an unsavory character who was always with women. She claimed he was her best friend and that she understood him differently than anyone else. I know they were also sexually active on the side. Talk about hurt from my first girlfriend and the girl who was my first intimate experience. Suicide definitely crossed my mind when I found all this out.” (Edited for general audience)
Rod’s Reply: Suicide would have served no good purpose. Perhaps you will exercise some caution the next time you fall in love. It seems your former girlfriend is a troubled woman and your escape from her influence can only be good for both of you.
READER: My dad had a stroke last year but has recovered. During that time I had spent a lot of time caring for him and taking him for medical attention. After his stroke I have been having a lot of panic and anxiety attacks which results in me having high blood pressure and a raised pulse rate. My anxiety is caused when I have a headache, which I immediately associate with high blood pressure. If I have any aches I always associate it with some dreadful health issue. Please advise me as to how I can overcome this ugly feeling as I want to feel secure again and not have that dreaded feeling. Please help me?”
Visit your private physician for a complete checkup. Your experience with your dad has baptized you into a milieu of illness and anxiety, making you hypersensitive to your own potential to be sick. It is understandable that you will think the sky is falling and the worst is just around the corner with every ache or pain. It is time for you to recover from your dad’s stroke, and a visit to your doctor could help set that in motion.
Write to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or visit http://www.DifficultRelationships.com.
“Since I have stopped communications with two of my friends via telephone, ‘sms’ and visiting to their homes the relationships have ceased. Prior to this I highlighted that if I did not contact them, they’d not communicate with me. They would not bother sending me an sms checking to see if I was doing okay. Their excuse was always distance and airtime, yet, when they needed a loan or something, distance did not stop them coming to my home. One of my friends began communicating with my partner, little chitchats, and not once did I see a message from her asking how I was doing. Am I just a friend to them when they need something? Am I being petty or is what i am feeling true?” (Edited slightly)
Rod replies: The relationships are not reciprocal and you feel used. The details might be petty but the feelings are real. Remain calm and tell both friends exactly what you see and feel. You may have to resign yourself to enjoy one-sided friendships, or find more responsive friends. Resist reading your partners chitchats with others. It’s not a good idea. Then, if you want someone to know how you are, tell him or her, rather than wait to be asked. The former is healthy. The latter is a manipulative ploy.
“My second marriage did not withstand the pressures of blending a family. I recommend professional family counseling for all who try. The divorce rate amongst couples with children from previous marriages outpaces the horrendous rate of first time marriages.
“My stepson viewed me as the enemy. I represented the deathblow to his fantasy that somehow his parents would reconcile. Children very often feel as if the divorce was their fault, and, as irrational as that may be, it is what they feel. It’s important step-parents understand that the child is projecting all of the rage, fear, and heartbreak outwardly towards the new scapegoat.
“Many parents feel guilty about their divorces, and so have unhealthy boundaries with their children. They overcompensate, or do not expect enough. This creates fuel for a fire that is going to rage anyway. Anyone who has raised teenagers understands that this may be one of the most challenging times in the family life.
“As difficult as it may be to hear, blending families rarely works. If one has the option I would suggest separate living arrangements. It doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t continue, but I would remove myself from the dynamics of the parent/child/ex-spouse and regain a sense of self and peace.” (Edited for space)
“I seek help for my parents who live in New Zealand. I have ticked all the items from your article on 2006/05/18 about spousal abuse on my mother’s behalf but both are in dire need of immediate help. They have been married for 32 years and I have grown up seeing my father mistreat and disrespect my mother. She thinks about leaving him all the time but says she doesn’t know stops her. My father gambles their savings and he’s an alcoholic who blames my mother for his failures. It’s almost as though my mother has become comfortable with being uncomfortable all her married life. As they are getting older, I fear more and more about their safety and I want to help them. Can you help me help them at all?”
Rod responds: After 32 years they are “in dire need of immediate help.” I don’t think so. They have danced this way for so long you can be sure nothing will change because anyone of us writes of says anything. Until your mother sees something about her behavior that must change, things will stay the same. Regard yourself as powerless over your parents’ marriage. The sooner you do this, the sooner one of them might get some helpful help.
I will be in Australia for a week (next week), Taiwan for the next two weeks, then Korea for one week after that.
I will return to Australia for a few more weeks (visiting Sydney, Canberra, and Melbourne) and head home to the USA in the later part of July.
Thanks for your interest.
I will post daily “You and Me” columns from those destinations.
Rod and Children
Reader: My fiancé has anger problems and it got so bad that he threatened to beat me. He says he is not physically abusive but the verbal threats scare me enough. He blames me, saying I provoke him and if I do, I don’t know how I am doing it. He gets angry even at the baby sometimes. I have got myself into a bad situation because I’m financially dependent on him and we have a baby together. He is so sweet and, boom he changes with outbursts of rage. I love him and then I’m scared of him. I try to trust God that he will show me what to do, but anxiety and depression get in the way of seeing things clearly. I pray and still find no peace.
Rod Responds: This is not about love, but safety. Please read Anna Quindlin’s book entitled “Black and Blue” and do whatever you can to remove yourself, and your baby, from this dangerous situation. You, no matter what you do, cannot provoke him to abusive acts. His anger is HIS responsibility. Please do not marry this man. Marrying him will solve nothing but only allow him even more control of over you and your life.
1. Knowing that your aging parents are satisfied with life
2. Seeing your children engage in work and learning because work and learning are good despite the promise of reward
3. Carving out the time to read a great book
4. Turning an enemy into a friend
5. Finding a wad of unexpected cash in an old suit pocket
6. Getting your shoes shined in an airport while you just sit there looking rich
7. Being served a perfect cup of tea
8. Enjoying good curry
9. Hearing a family member apologize when wrong
10. Bathing a baby, then rocking him or her to sleep
11. Long-lasting friendships
12. Finding you keys and wallet when, this time, you thought they were gone for good.
difficultrelationships.com 