Dealing with abusive behavior from someone who as quickly will say they love you… |

Dealing with abusive behavior from someone who as quickly will say they love you…

by Rod Smith

A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:

1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.

Posted on April 2, 2007 at 1:07 pm in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL

19 Comments to “Dealing with abusive behavior from someone who as quickly will say they love you…”

Jim
April 4, 2007 at 2:14 pm

I think this is really true. Also, you can get used to accommodating someone and not even perceive that they are being very abusive to you. They will deny their intent, but in reality they know what they are doing. I would add that “victims” should not blame themselves too easily. If you are a good person, it is hard to understand the mentality of the person who actually wants and even needs to harm you. You have to confront such evil, because you do not deserve being the victim of it. And, simply giving more love to the person will not cure them. You must stand strong.

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tobeme
April 4, 2007 at 2:14 pm

Rod,
Very good points of advice! We do get what we allow and we often support others actions by our reactions. You are a great servant to all of us.

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tmulcahy
April 10, 2007 at 12:13 am

The odd thing is, my spouse exhibits some of this behavior and I’m responding in kind, so that now I’m the one with bad behavior. This relationship is deteriorating rapidly, and I no longer care. Now I wish it was over and I could move on. Living alone would be preferable to this.

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Catherine
June 6, 2007 at 3:03 pm

This has struck a cord with me. My husband often shouts and swears at me for quite trivial offences. I suggest it is inappropriate for him to do this, to which is replies that I should not make him angry! As though it is my fault. I do love him but I can not support this weight on my shoulders any more, which I realise is the burden of this relationship. The thought of leaving makes me feel sad, but I think I will have to as I don’t think that he will change. Sometimes I imagine him dying, and I feel happy – can you believe it! We have 2 small children. Where do I find the courage to leave?

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tmulcahy
June 13, 2007 at 5:27 pm

Ah, Catherine, so true. I have noticed myself feeling the same way. Sometimes I like imagining her dying, and sometimes the thought of separating makes me very sad. It’s over now, but I hate it when she coldly pushes to speed things up. She said one day that she thought we shouldn’t throw away a 15-year investment in the relationship, (I agreed) but two days later said she’d changed her mind and I should just get out.

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Amelia
July 6, 2007 at 7:56 am

yer thats true.. but its not as easy as you say.. or as easy as ne1 says..
im only 16.. and i put up wit so much!..
i used to get abused by my brother but he moved.. now i get abused by my dad and my other brother…
and my mum says its my fault.. but its not..
these tips i get from everyone.. but its sooo much harder to deal with..
trust me..

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Marissa
September 27, 2007 at 11:28 am

I lived with an abusive man for 9 years hoping he would change. Things only got worst as time went by so for all of you in this situation walk away while you still can. No amount of love can change someone who is abusive you are only wasting precious time which you can spend with your children or find someone whom truly does love you. I found a great man whom is sweet, understanding and loving….

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swann
October 2, 2007 at 10:33 am

i’ve read some comments. i’ve been ?? a victim thru 3 husb. currently numb. 3 n i’ve been beaten to a pulp by the first had the verbal n emotional by all 3. the 3rd in the first few years of marriage was sweet kind sensitive n generous. then i became ill but was still funtional able to go on trips n do things with him. i would go into emotional outbursts as one of the symptoms of the blood illness (porhpyria) n he complained that’s when the marr. began to go down hill. a few years later i became ill again with RSD try rsdhope.org n read what this illness causes how bad it is. so as time went on he became closer to my daugh. who’s now 29 2kids n marr. now 19 years later he shows her more compassion n love does more for her then his own wife. m i jealous in a way because as her mom i should be able to have the money to help her when needed i guess i should feel blessed that he wants to help her but i believe it keeps her in a stagnant position from growing up n standing on her own 2 feet depending on her husb. i don’t mind him helping her once in a while but the way he neglects me screams n yells at me almost daily causes me to wonder what the prob is. he goes to church i don’t go to his church but his friends there who use to be my friends can’t n refuse to believe he’s this kind of person because he knows how to turn on the charm to outsiders. i’m stuck i’ve nowhere to go i have to stay here. the gov. isn’t any longer taking apps for section 8 even for disabled. i have no friends because i’ve been told that most folks don’t like me because of my mouth i talk too much. he gone most the time staying away doing wk for his church or favors for others. i think this is just a way to keep his distance from me. as he was walking out the door the other day i finally got up the courage to speak my mind n said i realize u don’t love me anymore but i do believe u care. well you’d have thought i started world war 3 u know what hit the fan right then n i got accused of allowing satan to use me to speak such thing. sorry 4 using bible ref. but the bible does say we’ll know them by their fruits. a girl just the other day told me i was a very sweet good hearted person. so tell me who’s expressing the truth. n how should i handle myself since i have no other choice but to stay here i need to protect my health by not allowing all these things to get to me n cause depression. i have a good attitude. i’m out going to all n i’m a christian also. i keep forgiving my husband over n over daily believe me it’s no easy task n i do love him i’m just no longer in love with him. but i understand even as bad as my marriage is i’m not sure who’s at fault, can somehow over time be fixed. i just don’t know what to do. unless i become silent n we live in a silent house toget. unless we need to speak on a business level. help i’m not sure how to cope anymore i’ve used up all my skills with no success n nothings betters if anything he seems to get worse instead of better. thanx swann (nick) to keep me anonymous.

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Betty B.
December 30, 2007 at 9:15 pm

So how is one supposed to radically shift their response to an abuser? The abuser in my household is my youngest son, who’s 21-years old. He often treats both me and my husband very badly, yelling at us, snapping at us, or not speaking to us. I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m going through menopause right now and often I’m very emotional. Sometimes getting yelled at like this can put me in tears. And it’s all starting to weight very heavily on me.

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Rod
December 30, 2007 at 10:01 pm

You might want to consider that he is now an adult — perhaps it is time for him to move out and be unpleasant to his roommates. I wonder how long others will put up with his behavior. You, having done your share of parenting him, do not need to have someone who treats you poorly live with you. Many 21-year-olds are living outside of their parent’s home and do so very well. This would be a “radical shift” on your part.

Please keep writing. I look forward to your reply.

Rod Smith

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PictureChick
January 15, 2008 at 11:31 pm

Betty B – your son needs to leave. It’s your house. Put him out.

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Carla
August 8, 2008 at 2:04 am

I just left my boyfriend because he had anger issues and violent and abusive behavior. It started with name calling, then pushing, then damaged my car, and the final straw was being punched in the face like a man. I am petite female, 138 pounds and 5 foot 3. I was kicked in the face several times and a higher power did not help me escape from him and his rage. I may not be alive today. After being arrested for another incident prior to this, he had the nerve to call me to have me drop the charges. He told me he loved me, brought roses and flowers, candy and thousands of cards to show me he loved me and signed the cards with a ass kicking. Ladies that is not love love doesn’t hurt. All of this happened within a ten month period. And my soul kept telling me to leave him alone but I felt he needed me. He played helpless seduced me. He witness abuse when he grew up. To make a long story short. You can’t change an abusive person. His been in jail for a few days and my fear is how he will act when he get out. Will I have to look over my shoulder. Will he be upset because I called the police. Then I had to realize. He put himself in this situation because of the bad choices he made. They have to deal with their issues and get some help on their own. You will end up hurt, dead, or emotionallly dead. LEAVE. Somehow someway. I pray for all those who is experienced abuse. And hope God remove that evil spirited person from your life.

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fekans
August 9, 2008 at 4:15 am

Dont focus inside the circle be like an eagle look at your prey from a far you might see that there are dangers that
you dont need to approach, instead find a better prey which
you enjoy eating. politely spend time with yourself grt
out of thet captive situation the nature of attraction will attract you with the best. Ignore and be yourself.

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Emily
February 18, 2009 at 2:39 pm

I am similarly dealing with a very abusive brother. He was alIways abusive when I was a teen but I moved away. Now that I got laid off I ended up moving in with my mom wherehe STILL lives. (he never left home).
Anyway, to make a long story short I’ve realized 20 years later that he has not changed. If anything, he takes complete advantage of my mom but then she is dependent on him as her caregiver. Unfortunately, adult protective services were not very supportive. They basically said I didn’t have enough evidence and everything I said they made excuses for it for him…I felt really betrayed by the way the system is set up. Unless someone stabs you, you can’t do much to find help from government agencies. Therefore it’s up to YOU and YOU ONLY to protect yourself.
This is someone that says “I really care about you” but then denies medical care when you need it. This is a person that says they act in your best interest but then wants you to hand out to him all of your life savings for “investments” that will benefit the family while leaving you dry…
While I did give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he HAD changed, I just realized I re-opened the door for another round of stepping over healthy boundaries. I had to end my relationship with my brother because I had to close the door on the abuse.

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eileen
April 10, 2009 at 8:25 pm

I am dealing with an abusive teen. She has anxiety issues with which we have had professional help. She can be very caring and the “outside world” sees her as this lovely helpful sweet thing. At home, however…she uses insults and threats to get her own way. When confronted, she becomes angry and even more abusive! She absolutely knows how to hurt the most with private things and blame. We don’t spoil her, and she has had a job of her own for a year and she is an honour student, so there are no problems there. But we are a “one car family” and I do a lot of driving and running her around to school for activities and rehearsals and to her lessons. You would think that she would be appreciative of this time we give up. Things go well for about a month and then she BLOWS!! Refusal to pick something up she has spilled or not wanting to be told that we are too tired to stay up until 3 in the a.m. to go pick her up and ask that she stay home or come home earlier. She hits her older sister and the insults begin. My husband is stressed and working 3 jobs. I work in a school and I KNOW that this would NEVER be acceptable behaviour there! I tell my husband this, but he would rather keep the peace and give in…no support there and he has a temper as well.

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- Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
  April 10, 2009 at 9:39 pm
  
  Dear Eileen:
  
  This is most certainly not an easy situation. It seems you have to do all you can to take care of your own well being that you might be better positioned to be strong and steady and immovable with your daughter. Let’s hope readers chime in with their support and suggestions for you. Perhaps some of the conflict is coming from the issue of feeling you have little or no support from your husband. I do know that if you give in the virus of your daughter’s behavior will only try to take greater and further hold.
  
  Let’s see what readers come up with. I am a real live person. You have not gotten this response from a machine.
  
  I will be thinking of you ad hope you will write again and let me know how things are going. Please browse around the website and read many related articles. Also, please print off the one called Differentiation of Self or Self Differentiation. This is a crucial principle behind good mental health.
  
  I’d suggest you try to take your daughter and your family by surprise by being outlandishly healthy and by being very strong and willing to stand up to her and all she offers. It will upset the apple cart but it is a cart she is used to controlling with her behavior.
  
  Peace to you. Thanks for being the kind of loving mother you are.
  
  Rod Smith
  
  Let me know if you want to talk. I will make time for you and I will send you the number.
  
  Reply
anaida
July 11, 2009 at 10:38 am

hi! i have been married for 8 months to a guy who seemed well-educated and liberated. Alas, barely a few months into the marriage he had a violent outburst and bullied me for 4 hrs for a very trivial thing. In denial and disbelief, I gave him another chance only to see him go off again. He used bad words, made me feel wretched, blamed me for his outbursts and said i ‘provoked him’. We started therapy and now, i see him not getting violent. But he is as touchy as ever, argues for 4 hrs and sometimes days even though i beg him to leave me alone. I now feel like he does not regret his behavior even though he says otherwise – he makes demands of me and expects me to fulfill them like nothing really happened instead of showing appreciation that i gave him a chance yet again… in addition, he makes me feel like i am a lowly creature with crude, unrefined thoughts. We started going to a therapist but he lies abt his thoughts… To the outside world, he is the most charming husband. Can he be expected to change?

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- Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
  July 11, 2009 at 11:15 am
  
  You will see I have posted your question. Watch the space for replies. Mine will be up in a day or two.
  
  Reply
Cathy
August 3, 2010 at 3:26 pm

My daughter is very manuplitive and as some of the responses stated most abusive people have no remorse for there actions,
she is 21 and her father and I have been divorced for over 14 years but we both parent together,

I remarried ( a second time)only to find out that he had a Narcisstic personality I divorced him and it is as if my daughters
use this as punishment towards me, I have been away from this person for more then 3 years,
yet I find my 21 year old is just as abusive, I have supported her in going to college she has one year left,
and she has become extremly lazy she says she is depressed only when you ask her to help or contribute,
she did not work the entire summer and expects me to constantly give her money, but she is abusive sometimes violent and will never offer to lend a hand, I really do not feel I should help her when she has no idea how hurful she is, she feels entitelment

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