Archive for November, 2006

November 8, 2006

Response to adoption column….

by Rod Smith


Dear Rod:

I take the liberty of addressing you as Rod because to me you are a friend I meet every weekday at breakfast. I am from Dbn and read the Mercury every morning. I too have been subjected to invasive questions such as those listed. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have no illusions about how insensitive people can be and take it in my stride. It is when my adopted daughter, who is now 15 years old, is at the receiving end , that I get upset. My way of dealing with this is by ensuring that my daughter feels very secure and loved and is able to talk to me about her adoption any time she needs to. (She was told by us, her parents, at a very young age, that she was adopted.) We, of course did this appropriately, taking her age into consideration. She is aware that most people are unintentionally hurtful and is past making her adoption the focus of her existence. You, of course, have it different because yours is also inter-racial and an adoption is more obvious. You have my greatest respect and good wishes and you and your children will always be in my prayers.

Regards and best wishes


November 7, 2006

Help for those who meet parents of adopted children…. what NOT to ask…

by Rod Smith

Twelve things to resist asking parents of adopted children:

1. Where did you get them?
2. Who are the real parents?
3. Are these your real children?
4. Are they real brothers?
5. How long have you had them?
6. Do you find it easy to love children who are not your own?
7. Do you worry that one day they will leave you and look for their real family?
8. Do you know his medical history?
9. Why did their real mother reject them?
10. Did you know my brother (sister, uncle, aunty, in-laws, former neighors) adopted a child twenty years ago and it ruined their family?
11. Do you think you love them as much as you’d love your own children?
12. Have you caste the spirit of rejection out of them?

All of the above – in one form or another – have been asked of me over the past eight years. The worst, or most ignorant of offenders, are those persons who are so wildly invasive that they ask the questions in front of the children, as if the children are deaf or invisible, and then consider me rude for politely (sometimes not so politely) letting them know that some things are none of their business!

November 1, 2006

I am seeing a man who is not yet divorced and my father gave me a cut-out of your column…

by Rod Smith

“My father cut out your article about dating a divorced person. I have been divorced for a little over a year and have met a ‘soon-to-be-divorced’ man. To be honest I have to admit many of the points struck home. I already have a bump on my head from my first marriage. I don’t have any space on my forehead for new bumps!”

A fulfilling relationship must be based on integrity. He is a married man, legally bound to another woman. Your presence in his life, no matter the condition of his marriage, will hinder that family as they try to save their marriage or get it amicably dissolved.

I’d suggest you terminate your affair until he has his legal affairs in order and then had a year being single. While he is yet married, and willing to see you, neither of you is serving your long-term wellness, well.

Innocent love, in itself, will give you bumps on the forehead. Knowingly entering an illicit affair makes you a willing target.

After you’ve let Mr-Soon-To-Be-Divorced know exactly where he stands, take your caring father to lunch. There are few better ways to ease the wounds on an aching forehead than to have lunch with a caring dad.