Sometimes our father was silent on matters I’d hope he’d respond, defend himself, speak up, correct errors, adjust and align to brings matters a little more in his favor.
But now, I think I understand, or at least I am beginning to understand.
He seemed to sit and watch, observing closely all that was gong on around him, taking it all in, and I’d wait for an assessment but he’d offer none.
I think that now I understand.
Sometimes our father relayed naval stories of such graphic violence with such painful and long-lasting ramifications that I’d wish he’d hold his silence.
But, he could not.
Action at sea and losses of friends to the water, the onboard fires, the sirens and warnings of imminent attack were buried deeply in his memory and left him a gentle man, tolerant, but not naming of fools. He was one who entertained wild and youthful ideas while seeing it all against a backdrop requiring he not respond, speak up, correct the errors, adjust and align or brings matters a little more in his favor.
Perhaps, even though I hsve never faced action at sea or the graphic fears that are the backdrop of war, I can begin to understand why I tend to choose silence when others may prefer me to respond.
Learn the ART of living fully in your own head, and only, in your own head. Think for yourself. Try not to interfere when others think for themselves even when they express thoughts you’d never think. It’s allowed. MINDing yourown business, avoiding crossovers, is a crucial and necessary art in the empowering business. Like everything, it begins at home. Your spouse, adult sons and daughters, your parents, all the adults you know have unique brains capable of their own thinking. You may find this harder than it sounds if you are accustomed to living in multiple heads other than your own, and in yourown.
Why is this important? It’s fundamental to trust, growth, respect, equality, mutuality and all those good things. I’d suggest it would be highly disrespectful of me to assume I am better at doing your thinking than you are at doing yourthinking. If I focus my mind on my business and trust you will do the same, the meeting of our minds has the potential to enhance both of us. Conversely, if every time we talk or spend time together you cross over in my head it is likely much of my energy will be spent, not in thinking and exploring with you, but in attempts to safeguard my head-territory.
One of my very favorite pieces of art. It’s from Gorky Park, Moscow. Street artist — 1992.
I am grateful to Mercury readers who inquire about my health following my bout with salmonella.
As I have written, it knocked me out.
Serendipitously, my sister was already scheduled to come to the USA from South Africa to attend my son’s wedding and Jenny has been more than able to assist me in my recovery.
My doctors inform it will take a while but assure me my “numbers” are “trending” in the right direction.
While it is not where I would like it to be, I am walking 5000 or more steps a day.
I have canceled my travel plans for the rest of 2025. I don’t like canceling arrangements with people who have relied on me for years to bring my academic portion to their family therapy programs.
My immediate goal is to rally all of my physical and emotional strength so I am strong enough to stand for long enough to perform my son’s wedding and hold onto my emotions while I do it. His walk down the aisle with 7 groomsmen (one being his brother) and me, and the entry of the 7 bridesmaids, then the bride, is sure to evoke powerful emotions for us all in the home church of his beautiful fiance in a city three hours from where we live.
It surprises me, now that my sons are adults, what catches my attention abou them and makes me burst with pride. They’re not the things I anticipated when they were young boys. I think I was falsely oriented around things of a more grandiose nature.
I enjoy watching them engage with other adults and how they do so with ease, respect, kindness and humility.
They know how to say “thank you,” and when to say “thank you.” This, in my opinion, is one of the most important skills a human can have. I meet men twice their ages who have apparently not acquired this skill.
They are naturally respectful of the elderly. They hold back at doors and open doors. They’re eager to give a seat to someone who needs it. They’re on the lookout for how they serve, how they can help. This is more impressive to me than a lot of other things I thought I’d find impressive.
They do not hold back if they want me to know something, want to ask me something, or request a favor. I love the fact that they’re open about their needs and their wants, but they’re quite willing to hear yes as they are to hear no. No is tough for me, but I am learning.
My sons live in different cities from each other yet it appears they’re almost daily in contact with each other. That they are friends with each other means the world to me.
Cameras can transform not-so-friendly people into Mr and Mrs Charming.
You may have noticed cameras and social media often dictate attitudes and behaviors.
Don’t be fooled.
Little reveals integrity and the lack of it more than how so-called powerful people treat all other people. Position and reach and power mean nothing if they lack authenticity and it’s all for the camera.
If he (no matter who he is) looks down on others, shows his power by withholding legitimate tips or generosity to prove a point, you have met an untrustworthy type. If she expresses that she’s surrounded by incompetent idiots and says things like, “If you want something done properly do it yourself,” beware.
Do not trust the “only for camera” smiles or niceness. If everything shifts in the above scenarios when a camera appears, beware.
A kind and generous person is kind and generous when there are no cameras, when there is no applause. A person who can relax and enjoy himself or herself over a meal with people with whom they have little or nothing in common without racing for the camera to publish their goodness and humility for the world to see, is a person of depth and of trustworthy integrity.
Allow yourself to experience your emotions – even the extremes. Don’t cover or hide from your grief. If you are feeling joy, express it. Avoid constructing a wall or barrier between you and your emotions. The day may come when you cannot see over the barrier, let alone climb the wall.
Take time to hear as many “sides” to every story. Don’t rush to judgment. There are usually 7, 8, even 10 sides to every story. Hear them all. Things are often not as they appear. Listeners take all the time needed to hear things out.
As far as you’re capable, go back and make right where you have failed. Often, this may be impossible. Make a list of your regrets, determine never to move in those directions again. Learn, recover, learn recover.
Even if it’s not in your usual habit, try to talk more to people you care about about the things you care about. Don’t rehash hobby horses. Let people into unexpressed parts of your thinking.
Notice your indifference. This is where you’ve been unmoved, unaffected, by things that ought to move everybody, ought to affect everybody. Allow the world about you, near and afar, to have its impact on you.
One corner of my home office……. you’re welcome here.
I know competition is tough, really tough, but I think I win the International Best Sister Award. My Australian brother would win a parallel brother award but today I’m celebrating my South African sister, Durban’s own Jennifer Arthur.
As I’ve previously written Jen is the original Facebook. She remembers everyone she’s ever met, be it for 7 minutes on a train or plane somewhere in the world, and somehow gets them a birthday message. She keeps contact with people for years despite the brevity of a first encounter. There’s always a way to stay in touch and Jen finds it.
Jen’s adored by her 9 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild and by my adult sons. I’ve heard children, seen their longing, as they request she be their grandmother. My sister is widely known as Granny Goose.
This week, in fact 3 days ago, my sister landed in the USA for my son’s wedding, a journey booked without awareness that I’d be in need of assistance following my joust with salmonella. My kitchen is organized, my house has beautiful new touches, and recuperation feels 100 times easier.
Even Duke my Lab has switched allegiances and is under her feet as much as possible.
You may earn more than I do and live in a nicer house – but our loneliness is probably the same. When it rips us apart it doesn’t really matter who has the most cash or the nicest home. Loneliness doesn’t care where we live or about our financial status. Invite me in – perhaps we can be friends and ease our common pain.
You may be more educated than I am and you may have graduated from a respected university – but I know that if you regard anyone, anywhere with contempt, your education has given you little worth knowing. I may not be very bright by your standards but I do know that truly educated people never use it as a weapon. Talk to me – I might be able to teach you a thing or two.
You may be more travelled than I am and can talk about places I have not heard of or could afford to visit in my wildest dreams – but if travel has made you contemptuous of your homeland and its peoples then travel has not done its finer work in you. Citizens of the world find beauty and wonder everywhere. Come to my house – my culture is as interesting as any you will find on any distant shore.
Who are you? You don’t matter. I don’t care one way or the other. Your life, your existence means nothing. Get out of my way.
While such sentiments are usually unspoken they drive behavior.
Sometimes, mine.
Headlines? I don’t read them. Who wants bad news? What goes on Gaza and Israel and South Sudan and Ukrain and Russia and wherever else on the planet is too far removed for me to care, too complicated for me to understand. Let’s watch something feel good. What’s on Netflix?
The shooting on the street leaving a young man dead and his body in the street is an inconvenience. I am going to be late for work. The congested traffic gets more attention than the death of a young man and the pain his family must now face.
Indifference. Zero empathy. No room for cross-over human care. What’s that?
Perhaps it has always been this way.
I think not.
This is surely sin at its finest? The acceptance of the idea that I can be indifferent (unaffected, untouched, devoid of empathy) to the suffering of others.
As long as it does not inconvenience me, I don’t care.
Your “spirituality” is not measured by how much you (or I) read the Holy Scriptures, sing hymns, pray, clap your hands, run around a sanctuary with a purple flag, dance to contemporary religious music or reject those who do.
It’s not determined by how much you visit your place of worship or how much money you donate to its causes.
It’s not affirmed by your title (if you have one) or the ornate design of your robe (if you wear one) or the position you hold in the hierarchy of your faith tradition (if you’re part of one).
But, it is affirmed by your willingness to take responsibility for your life, your choices, and the good use of your skills and talents.
A biopsy of the validity and integrity of our faith and spirituality is revealed in how we treat people, especially loved-ones and strangers; how we love our enemies, offer hospitality, respect, regard, love those who reject our beliefs.
Do you clean up after yourself? Are you wisely generous to a fault? Do you love those who are different from you, whose lives might be in direct conflict with what you believe? Do you love others by listening?
If you take full responsibility for yourself, become extraordinarily generous with what you have, embrace diversity, and love others by listening, you will fast-forward your “spiritual” growth. Actually, you will put it on supercharge.
It’s not your title, the reach of your authority, or the crowds who respect and adore you. Rather, it’s how you respect and love and respond to those who don’t.
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