July 22, 2023

Covered this week…….

by Rod Smith

IOWA

Dear Participant:

I have had the joy of being with you this past week: several of you shared meals with me and we met in ways I know I will remember. I hope you will, too. Thank you. Given the time I would have enjoyed such an opportunity with each of you. During your first session with me I told you I would give you my notes from each of my talks. If you read this letter today or in ten years it is all ok with me. People do what they are ready to do. Keep them. See how well they age. Remind yourself that I repeatedly said I am addressing the future you.

Day One I tried to tell you how unique and beautiful you are. This is not an older adult attempting to convince you of something adults generally want you to believe. As I said I really have never met  – 50 countries and thousands of people later – anyone, anywhere who is not beautiful. Yes, I have met people who have done really ugly things and done a few myself, but, you (we) are beautiful. Get to know any human by listening, really listening, and I believe you will soon agree with me.  We talked about leadership: I said Leadership is a Function, a role, not a position. If your motive in becoming a leader is to see your name at the top of a list or to be the boss, your distorted motive will be your constant hurdle. Leadership is about who and what you are and what you do within a community. It is not about status. If it is the status you seek, your drive for recognition will persistently contaminate your leadership. To lead others effectively it is necessary to know what you are good at and what you are not good at. Work at your strengths. Accommodate your weaknesses. Both are yours for the long-haul.  

I encouraged you to consistently define yourself. If you don’t, someone will. Resist the natural anxious urge to define others. Become an expert in your own behavior. Resist the natural (anxious) urge to be an expert in the behavior of others, especially those who annoy you. Listen more than you speak. Make sure you are hearing, not waiting to talk. I closed saying Self-Leadership has by far the greatest impact on how effective you are as a leader. If you can’t lead yourself you can effectively lead nothing and no one.

Day Two I emphasized your (and my) uniqueness. I urged you to find within the depths of where your hearts, minds, spirits, souls meet (see it as a kind of Venn diagram) the beautiful “place” generally referred to as the SELF. YourSELF is beautiful, it’s as unique as your fingerprints, your voice, and your personality. It is shaped by your family history, your DNA, by enduring joyful and nurturing experiences. It is shaped also by trauma, by loss, grief and so much else. This SELF is resilient. The Self wants to be well. It self-repairs (given conducive conditions). It is not Selfish to find and love and know yourSelf. I would suggest it is selfish NOT to. People who avoid Self-Awareness because they consider it selfISH are usually people who put stress on leadership teams and on friendships and battle with boundary confusion – “I am I, you are you, we are we, Let’s not confuse the three” – Remember? It’s corny BUT if you live it, it will save you a LOT of pain and therapist bills!

Day Three I emphasized your God-given desire for Autonomy.  It’s part of your humanity. To desire self-directedness (AUTONOMY – SPACE, ROOM TO MOVE, freedom to be yourself) comes with your birth package. When it is unfulfilled – or ignored – you will be discontent. You have a similar God-given desire for Intimacy. This is part of your humanity. We all want some closeness, to belong, to be part of. Accepting that these Dueling Desires live within you and recognizing they are present in all the people will make it easier for you to welcome both into their legitimate place within your life. You (and I) really grow up when you (we) meet these needs in yourself AND understand that others are similarly driven. When your best friend chooses to be alone (wants Autonomy) it is not a rejection of you (necessarily) if you, at the same time, want Intimacy. Remember, you cannot LOVE and CONTROL the same person.    

This afternoon (Thursday) and Day Four, I left you with eight things I would tell my younger self:

  1. Save, and never touch, one third of all the money you earn. Few people regret having saved from an early age. Few things upset adulthood as well as financial pressures. 
  2. Honor your family and extended family relationships above all other relationships. If you are a brother or a son, a niece or an aunt, be the best one you can be. 
  3. Learn to live without blaming others. While others are indeed imperfect, blaming others for anything will seldom get you to where you really want to go. There are exceptions which I made clear (I hope). 
  4. Forgive, truly forgive, but remember. To forgive and forget is often foolish and even impossible. Remembering is not the same as holding a grudge. There are exceptions which I made clear (I hope). 
  5. Find your VOICE and hold onto it. Finding your voice means figuring out what you want your life to say. Only a small portion of finding your voice has to do with actual words.  
  6. Every unfortunate or bad thing that happens to you will ultimately offer you a choice. Will it become SEED (for growth) or STONE (resentment or hardness)? Seed will be most helpful to you. The choice will always be yours.  
  7. Pursue (chase) education even over romance. Few people regret having a sound education. 
  8. Gain understanding about your power, the power that comes with being human. Treasure it; Protect it, Deploy it. Use it for its intended purpose only.

I have loved being with you. Thank you. I especially enjoyed the Talent Show and the party. I loved watching your amazing capacity to have fun and I particularly enjoyed seeing some of you who arrived earlier this week appearing shy and withdrawn having the time of your lives.

Rod

Dad, Uber Driver, International Speaker and Newspaper Columnist 

07-20-2023 

Posted in Addictions, Adolescence, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Business, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Parenting/Children, Recovery, Responsive people, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust | Leave a Comment »

July 20, 2023

To my younger self

by Rod Smith

Eight things I would tell my younger self

Save, and never touch, one third of all the money you earn. Few people regret having saved from an early age. Few things upset adulthood as powerfully as constant financial pressures. 

Honor your family and extended family relationships above all other relationships. If you are a brother or a son, a niece or an aunt, be the best one you can be. 

Learn to live without blaming others. While others are indeed imperfect, blaming others for anything you are will seldom get you to where you really want to go. 

Forgive, truly forgive, but remember. To forgive and forget is often foolish and often impossible. Remembering is not the same as holding something against another.  

Find your voice and don’t let others try to take it from you. Finding your voice means figuring out what you want your life to say. Only a little of finding your voice has to do with actual words.

Every bad or unfortunate thing that happens to you, once you have gotten over the shock, will offer you a choice. Will it become seed (for growth) or stone (resentment or hardness)? Seed will be most helpful to you. 

Pursue as much education as possible even over and above romance. Few people regret having a sound education. 

Gain understanding about your power, the power that comes with being human. Treasure it; Protect it, Deploy it. Use it for its intended purpose only.

Grinnell College, IOWA

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening | Leave a Comment »

July 19, 2023

Harold and Maud

by Rod Smith

I am sure things stick in your memory as they do in mine.

My parents home on Blackburn Road was the most open home you could imagine.

Strangers were simply people whom you were yet to know.

Week in, week out, on a Sunday our home was open to a flow of family and friends who stayed for lunch and then often stayed for dinner after and afternoon around the pool. All of this occurred while my parents also ran their grocery shop at the front of our property and to which our home was attached.

Often there’d be a dozen or even twenty people for Sunday lunch and my parents were never alarmed when new people showed up, often unannounced.

One couple, apparently our mother’s distant cousins, were regulars. Harold and Muad (of course not their real names) were known for their wealth and their beach-side home in an affluent part of the city. 

Harold and Maud were regulars, coming Sunday after Sunday for lunch, often staying for dinner. 

After my parents sold the grocery shop and after my mother’s death, dad let me know he’d dropped in to see the cousins while out on a Sunday afternoon drive to ease his loneliness.

“Can you come back later, we are having lunch,” said Harold.

As far as I know, Dad never returned.

Not ever.

Posted in Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief | 1 Comment »

July 16, 2023

Readers respond….

by Rod Smith

There is so much to learn from two readers who have responded to a recent column about unfinished grief:  

“My husband died after a very long illness (about 8 years, although it’s hard to know when exactly it started) and after the initial shock, which lasted about three months, I started to think again. I can now say, five years later, that I am very grateful his pain has ended and some relief has come to our immediate and extended family. Of course I wanted a different outcome but I am now living with what I have.” 

“Thank you for sharing the Path of Grief. My husband died almost 3 years ago. I still feel I am on a journey without him and could not contemplate ‘moving on.’ It’s a process and we who are grieving are all on our own path. Life is just so so different after losing a partner, I was married for 61.5 years so never knew a life without my husband but day by day we begin to live again as they would want us to. I’m one of these people who continually talks to my late husband telling him things that are happening in my life and with the family.”

Posted in Faith, Family, Grace, Grief | Leave a Comment »

July 12, 2023

Airport reader….

by Rod Smith

“I am sitting at the Johannesburg Airport Hotel passing time until my flight to reunite with my family in Kuala Lumpur tomorrow. I fell upon your column about dealing with grief. What an inspiring article! Thank you for that. I have not suffered the type of grief one can hardly recover from so far and by God’s grace. I can only imagine one’s loneliness in it. Well done for your advice. Go well my friend. It will be nice to meet you one fine day.”

The reader quoted above was inspired by my writing. I, in turn, am deeply encouraged and also inspired by her response to the column. It’s a very good feeling to open emails to such a warm response. Such responses are what keeps me writing. Added, the writer reveals that she has read the column outside of the usual area of the newspaper’s readership.  

Writing about grief usually gets a lot of reader response. There are a lot of people struggling with loss and are at a loss about how to cope. It is apparently a topic visited only when people are in need. This is fully understandable. Who wants to talk about such things when there is little or nothing to grieve?

Posted in Education, Faith, Grace, Grief | Leave a Comment »

July 8, 2023

What DO you do with unfinished grief…..?

by Rod Smith

“What do you do when you are sometimes overcome with grief years after a significant loss and people do say insensitive things to you?” a reader asks.

You try to learn about yourself, about others, from all that happens to you and all the things people say and ask. You try to grow from it. By growth I mean by doing your part to develop a deeper understanding of yourself and others. You challenge yourself to become kinder than you already are even towards insensitive people. You commit developing greater and authentic empathy for others who have also suffered loss and those who will suffer loss but seem not to know it.

How we, you and I, respond, react, and reply to what occurs to us and is said to us reveals what kind of person is living within the deepest recesses of our hearts, minds, souls. Our responses to the actions of others reveals and exposes who we really are. Awareness of what’s within us will hopefully lead you and me to a commitment to the beautiful journey of repeatedly unleashing the kindness and grace living within you and me (and all people) that we may enhance the lives of others in our individual spheres of influence.

Posted in Grace, Grief | Leave a Comment »

July 6, 2023

Unfinished grief

by Rod Smith

Grief after a significant loss is seldom completed.

I believe this to be true for all whose lives are hit by loss, those who are most immediately impacted, and those who are in the wider circle of relatives and friends. Things don’t “go back to normal” and if they appear to, it’s no indication that the grieving period is over or complete. Such appearances can be as necessary as they are deceiving.

In the best of circumstances lives rearrange. Families re-calibrate. Relationships, close and distant, re-align. 

Hearts  – feelings and will to live – and minds  – thinking and planning – can be strengthened. The capacity to re-think a future is possible but such transitions, often expressed as spurts of change and moments of apparent growth are unlikely to be the result of determined planning. They are more likely to occur as a result of desperation, a will to live, a need to survive.

Although it can sound harsh, even cruel, the outsiders’ push for people to “move on” or the repeated sentiment and falsehood that “time heals” are all part of a community’s ache to survive and part of the unwelcome journey of necessary re-calibration and necessary adjustments after significant loss.

Posted in Grace, Grief | Leave a Comment »

July 5, 2023

The “real” America…..

by Rod Smith

Disney? Grand Canyon? Broadway? Statue of Liberty? Washington DC? 

My dad loved all of the above on his several visits to the United States and recalled them each with great fondness.

But, dad’s real love of this nation was rather peculiar, and once he made me aware of it, it was easy and inexpensive to provide.

He loved the rural breakfast spots. He enjoyed these often-crowded establishments where the waitresses called him honey and sweetie-pie and yelled customer orders at the short-order cook who in turn yelled order up while cracking eggs and turning strips of bacon and shifting piles of hash browns on the crowded grill.

He enjoyed the back-chat between the waitresses and the regulars whose orders they remembered through sheer repetition and whose wives and families they knew.

Dad loved to sit at the counter rather than at a table so he could watch the action, admire the efficiency, and eavesdrop on the behind the counter banter among veteran waitstaff.

On our first visit to such an establishment, his bottomless cup of coffee filled for the third time, dad remarked, “Just like in the movies, bring me here again, this is the real America!”

(Waffle House, Columbus Indiana)

Posted in Communication, Education, Faith, Family | Leave a Comment »

July 3, 2023

At 68!

by Rod Smith

“I never thought that at 68 years of age I would be writing to you for help with family matters. I guess there would be hundreds of people in the same boat as I am and at some stage must reach out.”

I was thrilled to get this letter, not because someone is experiencing family difficulties. I was thrilled because the writer has reached a point where he sees “reaching out” is possible, necessary, and healthy. 

The writer is apparently also aware that family issues are common. He sees there is no age at which a person cannot reach out for help.  The writer’s tone expresses that there is no benefit to attaching shame to experiencing family difficulties and he apparently sees that his family is like many other families around the world, a thought that many people want to resist.  

But, “I never thought that at 68,” is the portion of the letter that caught my attention. It reveals a common childhood illusion that adults have got things worked out, that adults are on top of things, that there is an age at which everything about life comes together. 

I recall having similar thoughts as a tennager. 

Did you? Has it all “come together” for you?

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

June 29, 2023

Happy?

by Rod Smith

When conversations occur with strangers – a dwindling pronomen with humanity’s baptism into the Internet, cell-phones and obsessive scrolling – the “what do you do for a living?” question is often asked.

People offer a version of “all I want to be is happy.”

“What does that look like, what does that mean? How will you know when you are?” is met with confusion.

I get the impression I am supposed to know, that there is common knowledge of what it means to be happy.

I’d suggest happiness is the fruit of seeking and finding a meaningful place within a community. It is to “cut your coat according to your cloth.” It is a by-product of having several equal, respectful relationships, relationships where you are not in charge, calling the shots, determining everything but are playing your unique part in mutual endeavors. 

It is to be wildly generous with possessions, resources, time. 

Happiness is the result of an inward journey to shed aged resentments and petty grievances and to shed even those that are not so petty, even well-earned,  and not so aged. 

Without a conscious inward journey we will be trying to settle past scores, issues which will continue to disrupt the present and guide the future into emotional pothole after pothole of unresolved history where happiness will remain elusive and beyond reach.

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family | 1 Comment »

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