Girls, offer your dad your arm; link it with his. With your arm tucked in his, there’s nowhere you cannot go, there’s no place that is unsafe, there’s no destination too far, and no journey (no matter how short or long) that is not worth the effort. Walk with your father in this manner as often as is possible — it’s very good training for when you have to walk alone.

“My husband always wants to go out with ‘the boys.’ I believe married men don’t belong in nightclubs without their wives. This has been ignored. We have tried counseling and he lies at those sessions. I recently kicked him out as I found out that he had been in contact with two women he’d met. He keeps coming back, and I can’t prevent him from seeing our young son. His family is convinced that I am making too much of this as the relationships were not physical. He has no idea of how deeply he has hurt me. I was always the one to try to find a solution but he has pushed me too far this time.” (Shortened)

You have as much control over your husband as you do over the weather. Give it up. Let him be the boy he apparently needs to be. You do, however, have some control over how you and your child will be treated. After a three of four months of living apart you might both be ready for a compromise of sorts. For now, hold your ground. He might grow up when he sees you are serious.

“My partner and I split up after five years. We have a child (3) and were extremely happy. I always had my own life and we also shared quality time. Her flirtatious nature wasn’t obvious. After an illness, our son was 6 months old, things slowly changed. She became moodier and demanding. I set us up in new house and home, hoping that this would help her become more productive. She spent up to 5 hours online chatting while I was at work. Her fiery emotional attack-style defense appeared when I talked about it and my resentment grew. I ended up seeking some sort of fling online, which came to nothing. On day we discussed things and become closer again but it was very temporary. She became more and more venomous until I reacted and screamed at her to leave (I meant just go outside and cool down) but she moved out. I was very upset, hating both her and myself, while trying to be a strong dad for my son. My advice to anyone, if it doesn’t feel right, it most probably isn’t. Go with your gut instinct. Be honest. Always keep a part of yourself even within the tightest of relationships.” (Letter edited)

“My husband, after eight years of marriage, told me, when I was about to give birth to our second baby girl, that he was not in love with me anymore. She is now 18 months old. This has been the worst 18 months in my life. He stayed and I have done some very compromising things to make him love me, including getting breast implants. I know I cannot change his mind because I have done everything I can. In the meantime have missed the last year and a half of life with my beautiful girls. I think women think we can fix everything. I am slow to discover I cannot.” (Minimally edited and shortened)

Indeed, I hope you and your children will find the future you really want. While the pain of your immediate past could totally debilitate you, I hope it is clear that to be immobilized by your husband’s inconsideration will not bode well for your family’s future. Perhaps, one of the saddest aspects of your letter is your apparent naïve belief that modifying your breasts would be enough to keep your husband. Dare I say that a man who stays in a marriage for the shape and size of breasts is not worth keeping?

Sometimes people are too close….

1. Moods seem contagious. (“If you’re down I find myself being down too.”)
2. Joys, pleasure, pains, ups and downs, resentments and rejections of others, are all “tandem” experiences. (“We do everything together. We even like the same things. We even DON’T like the same people!”)
3. Looking out for each other (demonstrating care) is rather a form of keeping watch (checking up). (“I love you so much I can’t let you out of my sight. The truth is if you are out of my sight I get eaten up with feeling out of control.”)

Sometimes people have a healthy distance…

1. Moods seldom “jump ship.” (“I monitor my own emotional life. It’s not helpful if we both feel down at the same time.”)
2. Joys, pleasure, ups and downs, resentments and rejections of others, are all “individual” experiences. (“Of course we have individual interests. We are vastly different in so many ways. I really like some people he doesn’t really want to spend time with.”)
3. Looking out for each other (demonstrating care and connection) is an expression of genuine interest. (“We ‘talk’ all day sometimes. Some days I have no idea where she is or who she’s with. That’s how it is when you are busy.”)

“I was engaged recently and have been with my partner for three years. We have had our troubles but have always worked through things. My partner was hurt by my confession that I had unresolved feelings for my ex-boyfriend. We had many conversations and decided to try again. He had since been hanging out with new friends and acting out of control. He started to lie about his whereabouts and we we’re always arguing. I felt as though a commitment to our relationship meant that he had to live accordingly and respect the boundaries of our relationship. I was happy for him to see his friends but not happy that it seemed devious and sly. I felt like I was not a priority and as though he felt like I was always whining and trying to control him.” (Considerably shortened and edited)

I’d suggest you remove yourselves from each other’s lives for a while. Do some “letting go” and get some perspective on what you want. You are both going to have to learn to stay out of each other’s emotional business. The issue is not that you are not close enough — you are too close! Everything he does affects you, and this is not a healthy platform for a lifetime of loving.

“My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year and a half. I fell in love with her a long time before that, but now I just don’t feel the same way. It’s like I want to break up with her but than at the same time I don’t know what to do without her. She is the love of my life but I can’t stand the way she is always blaming me for things that have nothing to do with me. I don’t know what to do. Please help.” (Edited)

Deciding you can’t live with her or without her, hardly gives her a lot of room to move. She’s a player in this too. It’s time for you to have a good head-to-heart talk with yourself (find out what you really want) and follow that with a good heart-to-heart talk with her (to find out what you both want). Greater clarity will probably do each of you a lot of good. At some point in your life you might discover that loving a person must progress beyond intense feelings of love.