I got a wonderful welcome in Korea!
November 6, 2008
He preyed on me…..
“I read the 26 points and most of them relate to my situation. I was widowed 3 years ago after 30+ years of marriage. I was so very lost and it was suggested by a neighbor that a friend of his could help me with my plight. Two years on I am totally and utterly miserable, but feel unable to leave the situation. I don’t know why – perhaps its because I have never been alone to ‘find the real me’. He bombarded me with flowers, gifts, my son thought he’d walked into a florest shop! Very slowly he started to close in by saying that he didn’t see that much of me and I felt guilty – so eventually he was there every single day from 2pm onwards 7 days a week. If I went out to see a girlfriend during my day off from work he would ring me several times and if I didn’t hear or didn’t answer he would sulk (pout) and get ‘stroppy’ (ill-tempered). He accused me of having affairs with my colleagues, he read my emails, checked my phone. Before this all happened he wanted me to buy a house with him 1/3rd him 2/3rds me. (He got divorced last year 2007).
“Every holiday we have been on he has more or less ruined. If I fall asleep in the car he suddenly brakes to wake me up – says he is worried that I may injure myself if we have an accident! – my children hate him – he is coarse and abusive at times but comes across as a very nice man to others. His language is foul at times, he ripped his shirt off and grabbed a knife saying ‘use it on me’. His friends think he is Mr. Wonderful – this is just a short list of things he has done – he has hurt me physically but the worst thing of all is that he has played with my mind. I don’t know if its me half of the time because he says, ‘you don’t mean that, this is what you mean.’
“I believe he ‘preyed’ on me during the early stages of my loss and I was so alone I was grateful. He really did seem a nice person, but he has turned out to be something quite the opposite. I am still with him but don’t think it will be for much longer as he is getting fed up with me not making a commitment to him. I will not sell my house and buy one with him.
“I feel dreadful most days – so whoever reads this – please – if you know or know of someone who has recently been bereaved – tell them to beware – there are men out there that prey on the vulnerable.”
Four pointers to assist reader:
1. While this is not helpful now, a good rule of thumb is to NOT enter any new relationship until at least a year has passed after a divorce or the loss of a spouse. I believe one should wait for at least three years after a thirty-year marriage.
2. When things are “too good to be true” they almost always are. Wanting you home ALL the time, waking you up when you’re asleep in the car, checking your phone – all these are warning signs that you have met an abusive and controlling man. Control and love cannot co-exist. Run the other way no matter how many flowers he sends you.
3. Your future is not in this man’s hands, and nor is your future in the hands of any man or any relationship. You suggest he is “getting fed up” because you will not commit to him. It is time for your “fed-up-ness” to drive you to some important changes you want. Your emotional well-being is more important to you and you do not have to wait around until he decides he’s ready to make a change. Ask your adult children to help you get out of this situation as soon as possible. I am sure they will more than run to your help.
4. Expose ALL violent behavior, all abusive behavior – no matter how “nice” the man is to others. No person ever deserves to go through what you are enduring.
October 30, 2008
I am seeing my former college professor, who is also a married man…
“I have been in a relationship for two years with my married, former college professor. How in the world do I end this? I have never been in love. I was raised a strict Catholic, even looking at a married man was against my morals. Somehow I got lost. I looked up to him so much now the man who I thought was my hero has destroyed me. How do I end this?”
As you have discovered, layers of deception under girding your covert liaison cannot lead to long-term fulfillment. The imbalance of power, and your vulnerability, while skewing the responsibility toward this devious professor, does not let you off the hook. You too, are an adult. Regarding your faith: this is not about knowledge. It is about distorted “space” (the room and the distance between you) and very fuzzy boundaries. Take the initiative. Cut all ties. Offer no explanation. Don’t fall for the “closure” nonsense. The pain you will experience is worth it, and will be nothing compared to the pain you will know when the relationship is exposed, or when the professor decides to go his selfish way and to cut off from you. You deserve better, but will not find it until you walk through this fire, get some rest, gain perspective, and then are able to move on.
October 15, 2008
How can I help his son feel more comfortable?
I have known my boyfriend for eight months and recently moved in with him. He has a son (11) and a daughter (15) who come every Wednesday and every second weekend. My three young children live with us. When we discussed the move with all the children together they seemed very happy. We discussed house rules and who would be sharing rooms. So far all has worked well with four of the five children. His son however complains of headaches and stomach aches and makes comments like ‘I would rather be at mom’s house’ and ‘I need time alone.’ My son has moved into his room with him and they get on quite well. His son had his father to himself for about four years where they did everything together. I understand that this must be very difficult adjustment for him but it is causing some conflict between his father and me. How I can help him to feel more comfortable without us having to move out to let him have his father back? (Shortened)
Do all you can to get out of their way. It’s the father’s issue, not yours. Regard it as a pre-existing condition. I am surprised only one child is reacting to the change. I will say more on this tomorrow.
October 12, 2008
I hate being a so-called stepparent…
“You never win when you are a stepparent because the child comes first and the child can never be wrong in the parents’ eyes. If any stepparent says anything negative about the child regardless how young or old, we will always be seen as the evil one. My ‘fiancé’ said we will not get married until his son and I get along which means he wants me to look the other way when his son orders me around and talks to me anyway he wants too because daddy isn’t going to do anything about it. But I will not put up with it either from anyone but my own parents. I am forty and no twelve-year-old has the right to tell me what to do. I hate being a so-called stepparent. It’s making my life a living hell and I am so miserable because I am always the one to blame for everything!”
I’d suggest both “daddy” and “stepmother” do a little growing up before walking down the aisle. When a forty-year-old writes like an angry twelve year old might write, I can only wonder what’s going on in the home! Stop fighting. Get some distance. You are not peers and yet is seems you are fighting like angry little siblings. Besides, if you hate it before you’re married you most certainly won’t find it too attractive once you are. What is in this for you? A man who treats you like a child and a boy with whom you seem to have issues of sibling rivalry. Then, and I must ask, why do you, an adult, allow your parents to treat you with any degree of disregard? Herein perhaps lies something of the root of the issue.
October 7, 2008
Please suggest some books on living well….
My family has constant struggles and I am always trying to define myself and things seem better for a while and then I slip back into old patterns. Are there books you’d suggest everyone read to get a handle on living well?
Regarding your observations within your family – my experience is exactly like yours. I too slip back into former patterns. Then, once I notice it is occurring, I re-group, and try again! Such is the nature of growth and change. Embrace it.
What to read? I’d suggest Harriet Lerner’s books for men and women, even though the books are specifically written for women. I call the books the “Dance” series for each book has the word “dance” in the title. For the more committed student of families and family process I’d highly recommend Rabbi Friedman’s Generation to Generation. Then, for persons challenged by the often-messy dynamics of intimate relationships, I’d suggest either The Sexual Crucible or Passionate Marriage, both are by David Schnarch. Perhaps the most challenging book I have read in the past few years, and it is particularly geared to leaders, is Rabbi Friedman’s Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of a Quick Fix.
October 6, 2008
Twelve-year-old seeks help with feeling obligated…
“I am 12. I have been a friend to a boy who is now getting on my nerves. He always sits next to me. He always begins the day with ‘Did you hear…’ and it’s about an embarrassing fact about someone. He usually asks me what we have next as if I am his personal assistant. I tell him that he should know his own timetable and then, like clockwork, he comes back to me at the end of the next period and asks me ‘What do we have?’ My teacher used me an example of good behavior. I know that being good is never something to be ashamed of, but I am honestly going to blow up soon. I feel very bad (obligated). I know that I am one of the only people who listens to him, but I am getting annoyed.” (Minimally edited)
Feeling overcrowded is seldom comfortable. Your response to this uncomfortable situation is appropriate. Address him directly. I’d suggest a third party facilitate this difficult conversation if he were older than you are. Tell him, as strongly as possible, that you will be choosing to establish some distance from him – while also remaining one of his friends. Both of you stand to learn important life lessons as you succeed in defining yourself to your friend. Learn it now, it will serve you well forever.
September 25, 2008
My son gets money from his grandparents who can’t seem to say NO…
My son (19), although he does work, gets a lot of money from his grandparents on his father’s side. Although we are divorced, and it his father’s parents, I still feel some responsibility and that my son should not do this. They can’t seem to say no to him and I just heard he ran up his grandmother’s mobile phone account to an astronomical amount. I recently got an indirect message from my husband that my interference was not appreciated. Please advise. (Letter edited)
If I were in your shoes, I too would feel overwhelmed with the sense that your son is being inappropriate. I would find myself wishing my former in-laws felt more empowered to refuse to give my son money, and I would most certainly desire he did not ask for it.
But, we are dealing with autonomous adults. Your son and his grandparents are free to engage in whatever dance they wish to enjoy. At some point, and probably without your help, someone in the mix is going to begin to insist on a change in behavior, and it is likely to happen without your having to interfere.
September 24, 2008
Email used for destructive ends in family…
“A family member has utilized emails to catastrophic ends in our whole family. In particular he aimed them at a person who has repeatedly saved him in financial difficulties. Added, he has a destructive relationship with his son. The son left home and cannot see his way clear to reuniting with his father. Any conversation result in lengthy emails about out how badly the son has behaved. Why does he use emails as his method of communication? He criticizes and abuses and ends the email on a loving note assuring his love despite the wrongs he is blaming others for. When a reply is sent he cleverly twists and changes the meaning. It’s almost as if the emails fulfill a need for him. Our decision to delete all further emails has now been made. I put an instant stop to it not wanting to enter into his mind-control emails.“
Destructive hobbies are hardly a new phenomenon. Irrational behavior escapes rational explanation. Don’t even try to understand it. As you have already done, encourage other family members to delete all of his emails without opening them. Declare the family will only engage in face-to-face communication, in the presence of several people, when this relative declares he has something to say.
Remember:
1. If you feed it, it will grow!
2. You cannot reason (successfully) with unreasonable people (yet reasonable people try to do it all the time!).
September 23, 2008
He / She has “checked out” of our relationship……
My spouse has “checked out” of our marriage. What can I do? (Prevailing theme of three letters received in the past 24 hours)
1. Relax. While it might seem impossible, the first thing to do is live a “relaxed life.” Don’t go off in a flat spin of activity. Do not presume the breakdown is about anything you are doing or are not doing. Assuming blame will send you on a wild goose chase and you will only end up more exhausted than you probably already are.
2. Hold your tongue. It is in the early or the “desperate” phase, when it seems as if a relationship is failing, that impossible promises are made and many hurtful things are said.
3. Get some distance. Try to see “the whole” rather than spend your energies focusing only on what is painful. Acquiring some distance or gaining a new perspective might only be possible once you have vented everything you are thinking and feeling to a close and trusted friend. Do not be afraid to do this. A good friend will be willing to hear you out.
Of course there is so much more to say, but a good place to begin is with SLOWING down so you have time to THINK! Hurrying to “put things right” or to re-vitalize your relationship will prove to be most counter-productive in the long term.
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